Poorly

Dear dear petals, I'm sorry I've been absent this week.  I'm very ill at the moment.  I have a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or sometimes called Unstable Emotional Personality Disorder - and with the stress of all the uni work I have to do (huge deadlines coming up), it's flared up very badly.  I can't even begin to think about losing weight at the moment, it's all I can do to get through each day.  Sorry to be a big old misery guts.  Love you all xxx

BYOC - Late like the white rabbit.

Thanks lovely beauty Draz for BYOC once again!


1. Whether you’re a parent or not….what do you think the appropriate age is to talk to a child about “the birds and the bees”?

Well, I'm not a parent yet - I'm so excited about having children.  I'm in no hurry, I'm only 23 and my relationship is also young, but I know I'm meant to be a parent one day!!  So, sexy time chat, huh?  Well, I was first taught sex ed at school when I was only 7, just basics I guess - I can't really remember, and then again much more in depth when I was 10.  So I think school got there before my mum did.  I also had an older sister (5yrs older) which I think played a part in me maturing quickly.  I got my period when I was 10 and definitely really really fancied boys (not really sexually, but like I was just obsessed with them) from about age 8/9.  My mum has always been very prudish, calling things 'down-belows' rather than by their real names.  So I think it's important to be frank and open about names of things, not make anything to do with the body or sex taboo - but just pay attention to each individual child's maturity and always answer their questions truthfully.

2. What’s the color scheme in your bedroom?

We're renting and the decor of the whole flat is neutral creams, beiges and browns.  I wouldn't choose brown, but cream/white for carpets and walls is nice.  My bedding (thankfully the boy doesn't mind) is pretty pale florals with pink cushions.

3. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use on your hair?

I don't always use the same thing, depends on what's going cheap in the shops when I need some more.  But Herbal Essences often features, particularly the moisturising conditioner which smells like coconuts, and usually something for coloured hair to keep my blonde looking pretty.

4. And since it’s nearly summer time…do you paint your own toes, go some place for pedicures or not paint your toes at all? What’s your fave toe color?

Well - I used to hate feet, everyone's and my own.  But over the last few years I've become a lot more tolerant of them and by taking better care of mine, I like them more.  I've never had a pedicure because I always thought feet were gross and was scared that I'd be laughed at (silly I know!)  But just lately, I really really want to get one!!  I paint my toes, usually in whore red, and their painted most of the time.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week!


Good week in one way because my darling man has the week off work and I'm lucky enough to have him here for lovely times.  But I've got an absolute crapload of uni work to do, about 10,000 words to write and 3 exams all very imminent.  I've been in meltdown mode for a while now.  My mental health is really suffering.  Yuck.
Blog land - blogging more is going good and I've been reading consistently and loving your comments.  LOVE x

Workout Wednesday!!

I really want to thank Cat for Workout Wednesday.  For quite a while, I saw everyone else enthusiastically reporting their workouts, inspiring each other - and I couldn't participate because I just wasn't working out.  But now - mwahhhaaa!  I am!  I've been doing really well pretty consistently doing at least half an hour at home with my stepper and weights and yesterday and today I really kicked it up a notch and realised just plodding slowly up and down wasn't enough - that I could essentially 'run' (in bursts, not for the whole half hour) which made for MUCH better cardio, kept my heart rate up the whole time and made me sweat like a cow in a sauna.  When the 'running' (like running upstairs I guess) got too much, I'd have a break from that and start doing crunches, press ups, bicep curls, tricep dips, lunges, squats etc until I was done with that and then back to the stepper.  FEELS SO GOOD!!  Actually I have a bit of a headache now, but I think that's coz I didn't drink quite enough water this morning.  I am hydrating to the max now!

Speaking of working out and water - after reading Draz's post about weighing in heavier after working out (as in the morning after) because muscles retain water or something - I wonder if that's happening, I saw an EVIL number on the scale this morning - and couldn't possibly have eaten enough to warrant it (despite an abundance of Easter eggs entering my body).  Anyone else experience this?  Is it just a case of drinking more water to combat it?  TELL ME!!

FORGOT TO TELL YOU A BIG NSV FROM LAST WEEK!  So exciting that I had to shout that last sentence.  I bought a pair of jeans!!  Now this might sound like a very routine activity, indeed wearing jeans may be a near on daily occurrence for many of you.  Backstory:  I haven't bought a pair of jeans for about 4 years.  I haven't worn a pair of jeans for about 2 years.  I haven't worn a pair of trousers in a year and half.  This is because I just seemed to be the wrong shape for them.  I wear leggings, every single day.  With a skirt mostly (black of course) and occasionally a dress.  In the UK, most high street shops go up to a size 18 (I think that's a US 14??)  And in tops and dresses and skirts, that's the size I was (now a 16 in those items - yay!) - but when it came to trousers/jeans, I just couldn't admit to myself that I was bigger than that.  If I'm to admit it now, I think in trousers I would've been about a UK size 22.  And you can pretty much only buy a 22 in the few and far between plus size stores - somewhere I try and avoid going because they make me sad with their expense, lack of variety/style etc.  So, I went into a nice high street shop for a browse last week, and picked up an armful of jeans to try on - all bootcut, size 18 short (I'm only 5'3") - I tried on 2 pairs and both fit - not only did they fit, they looked GOOD!!  I bought a dark denim pair and have very much enjoyed wearing them since.  I've had compliments from friends and family and my darling boyfriend said I look great in them.  Periodically over the last few years I've done this, picked up a load of jeans in a size 18 feeling sure that they'd fit, and only just getting them over my knees and wanting to cry/die.  And this achievement, this NSV is such a great, tangible measure of my success.  Every time I wear them, I am proud of myself.

I know I've been pretty down on myself the past few posts, but after reading such kind comments from you all, I just feel so much better.  I'm not doing perfectly with my eating, but I'm working out.  And I'm getting there.  I've always been such an all or nothing person that I forget about progress and see anything but perfection as complete failure that is always all my fault.  I've gotta get over that.  Exercise is my friend and so are all of you. xxx

Grumplestiltskin.

Thank you all so so much for your comments on my last post - meant so much to me and I'm really going to try and take on board what you said and just blog for me!  Love you all!

I've been incredibly emotional the past couple of days.  Some might say hysterical at moments.  With my mental illness, I know that these lows will come and go, it's probably the worst that Ben's seen me, so that's a bit scary.  He's assured me he isn't going anywhere though.  I'm doing my best to believe him.  No, I do believe him, it's just the irrational crazies in my head that try and tell me otherwise.

It's weigh in day today.  Whereas in the past this was an exciting day with a new low to report, sadly I'm up a lb, back to where I was 2 weeks ago when I supposedly 'got back on track'.  Part of me just wants to bitch and moan and say all the usual, why aren't I losing weight, why isn't the band working for me (my least favourite saying!) blah blah blah - but instead - I'm going to tell you what I've been doing.

Probably half the week on average, I've been doing better.  This is a positive thing.  It means, a lot more of the time (than in the past few months) I'm trying to keep in the forefront of my mind what I'm doing and why.  I've been tracking on MFP a lot more - probably 4 days a week.  But some days I just don't have the strength.  I feel so overwhelmed emotionally, that sometimes I feel like I need to do anything to prevent me from falling apart and never recovering.  Sadly this sometimes means I don't know where else to turn except to food.  I'm working on it.

Big positive though:  I've been working out!  I've been doing 40 minutes on my little stepper, incorporating squats, lunges and weights during that time.  And I've just started doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - I love her so much, and I miss her on the Biggest Loser.  It's tough and my body hurt for 2 days, but I love it.  So maybe I'm gaining muscle?  Anything to make me feel better about this gain.  A gain or a stay the same can be so so demotivating.  And a loss can be the opposite.  Frustrated and cross.  Boo Shitty Boo.

Blog Fog.

I want to be blogging more.  I really do.  And I read your blogs and am so entertained and love being updated frequently on your lives and never do I find it a drag hearing about your lives and bands.  And yet, I've convinced myself I have nothing interesting to say, that you'll read my blog with a sigh - BORING - I hear you say.  Now, I know this is all silly and irrational, I'm prone to this sort of paranoia - and so really, what I need to do, is re-evaluate blogging, what it's for, why I do it, what it means to me.

1. Accountability - checking blogs everyday keeps the band, weight loss, exercise etc in the forefront of my mind - I am prevented from disappearing into the abyss of denial where I pretend none of this is happening to me, that I don't have a weight problem and that I can eat whatever I like and be skinny (MADNESS!!)
2. Friends - a really love you all.  There I said it.  Don't care if it's unrequited, it's too late, it's out there like romantic puke.  I feel really connected to so many of you bloggers, our gorgeous JRD for example, who I'm convinced would be my bestie if we lived in the same place.  And I love all your comments, it's so wonderful to know that so many people follow and comment and care!  (Maybe I should remember this when dipping into the silly paranoia - see above.)
3. Tips/Advice - there are lots of seasoned bandsters on here whose advice is invaluable, but whether someone is as far along as me (nearly 6 months) or only just starting out, there is always something to be learned.  Whether it's recipe ideas, problems that others are maybe too shy to talk about (bodily or mental) or good workouts.
4. Inspiration - seeing the progress that everyone is making is so inspiring and heart warming and I feel so proud of everyone and want to be like them.

So, I want to be part of this community.  Blogging for me hasn't been particularly cathartic in the way I was hoping it would be because I'm so anxious of what everyone thinks of me and I'm censoring myself in all sorts of ways because of this - what a terrible bore!  So maybe that should be my first blogging challenge.  To write whatever I damn well want.  Sound good??

Now, to finish, off, I'm sure you've all been just dying to see what my gorgeous boyfriend (and roomie!) looks like - here's a photo of the two of us from a couple of weeks ago.  Living with him is heaven so far!

Weigh In

So bit of a fail really - but after a fairly good start, eating went down hill midweek, had a terrible binge day - was just feeling so miserable.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 14st11lbs (207lbs)
Loss this Week: 1lb
Total loss: 40lbs

So I don't get to change my ticker coz it's not a new lb, but at least it's down.  More down next week please, scale. x