Bad State of Mind

Dearest Jellybeans,  oh how I wish I could regale you with tales of success and weight loss and happiness and fun, but I'm afraid that's just not really life right now.  I'm so bored of promising to get 'back on the wagon' and catch up with everyone's blogs (though I have just caught up a bit), and then failing at everything I've said I'll do.  I've basically been living on copious amounts of sliders - last time I checked I was up 6lbs from my lowest.  That's horrifying!  And yet, seeing 203lbs on the scale didn't change anything, I can't seem to connect my head.  All the family difficulties we're going through at the moment with my sister and my mum and stepdad being so close to divorce are too much for me to handle with my already very limited capacity for stress.  My mental health is hard enough to battle without anything going wrong around me, so when so much shit falls around my ears all at once, I just go into desperate survival mode, which unfortunately means almost constant eating of high sugar foods.  All the while I'm eating, I'm distracted from the pain.
So I've compiled a list of the sliders I've been living on that I no longer want to be part of my diet:

Sliders That Are Ruining My Life:

Sweets – primarily Haribo Tangfastics

Chocolate – Dairy Milk/Buttons/Twirl Bites/Chocolate Bars

Biscuits/Cookies

Cake

Crisps

Popcorn

(Snack a Jacks/KitKats) – in brackets because I feel that planned consumption of these helps me stay on track rather than derail me.

And these are the foods that I want to be eating because they make me feel good, they will help with my weight loss and I won't have to feel like a failure anymore.  I still have nearly 60lbs to lose for goodness' sake!

Foods I Need To Be Eating to Lose Weight:

Chicken/Turkey/Ham

Low Fat Sausages

Extra Lean Mince Beef

Vegetables – carrots, broccoli, green beans, peas, sweetcorn, courgettes, cucumber etc.

Fruit – grapes, strawberries, bananas, raspberries, melon.

Cheese – low fat mozzarella, babybel, half fat cheese, light Philadelphia

Yoghurt – low fat, petit filous, greek/fromage frais

Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes

And definitely the most important thing of all and the thing the band is there to help us with:

ONLY EAT WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I did this then I would be losing weight, because I'm rarely hungry.  Actual tummy rumbling to tell me I'm hungry.  Not just, oh, I'm not so full I'm going to pb any more so I can stuff something else in my mouth.  This keeps me at a constant level of full, but because they're sliders they don't cause me to pb or get stuck the way a lot of other, non-slidery food does.  I don't know if I'm too tight because I mostly eat sliders.  I suspect I might be.  The only way for me to test my fill level is to eat proper food and assess whether I can eat properly without pbing.  If I can't then I'll get a small unfill.  Being too tight pushes us to eat sliders because we feel deprived and in need of food.

So step 2 is exercise.  I so admire fellow bandsters like LapBand Gal and adorkbl for their commitment to exercise.  I want 'Every Damn Day' to be my motto and yet I haven't worked out in maybe 2 months??  I feel like jelly and crap because of it.  My muscles have decreased, I don't feel as strong, I just know that my first run after this hiatus will be so hard and set me back a good few months of training.  I was getting so close to running for half an hour and now I need to accept that just 5 or 10 minutes will be a struggle.  I've got my iphone now, I've got the Nike+ running app to track my runs, I've got some new running tights and a new sports bra.  I've got time today.  I should go and run shouldn't I... in the back of my stupid head I'm like, oh but you've already ruined today by eating sweets all morning, why not just ruin the rest of the day.  But that's useless thinking.  I won't get anywhere if I think like that.  Oh dear, help!  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to go for a run.  So there.  Even if it's ever so brief, I'm going to get out there and do it.  I need to pop to the shop to get some milk anyway.  Skinny milk of course!

Ok, I'm so sorry for the psychobabble, nonsense rambling post - just had to get some stuff out of my head.

Love you all xxx

One year Bandiversary!

This is a post we all publish - we have so many expectations and fantasies and goals in mind when we first set out on this path or weight loss with the help of the band.  But I think for most it's always different to what we imagine.

I wanted to be much nearer goal by now and I am feeling a bit forlorn.  I just got Ben to take some comparison pictures of me in my undies (aren't you lucky!) and at first I just felt disgusted and horrified by my big jiggly belly, and the rest.  But then I looked at the photos I took of myself this time last year and the difference is definitely a significant one.

With my mental health being what it is, I think I should feel madly proud of myself.  I am certainly an emotional eater.  I still am.  The band has not changed that.  And the fact that my emotional needs are great, having lost 50lbs (still at 197lbs this morning) is an incredible achievement.

So despite just a bit of disappointment about not being somewhere nearer my goal, I am damn proud and happy with my accomplishments.  And that bit of disappointment shouldn't go to waste, I want to use it to motivate me into getting to goal in my second year of being banded.  I think I accept now that it's just going to take more time than I want it to.  But the wonderful thing about the band is that it (for the most part) keeps you in enough control not to gain everything back as soon as you (temporarily) give up, and that's what has led me to be successful so far.

I wish this had a happier tone, but I'm poorly with a cold, sitting in bed, still trying to shake the negative feelings that bubbled up when I looked at my pictures.  Despite that, I'm posting them so that I can look back and see where I've come from.  And hopefully the photos I take this time next year will make me proud.

Certainly one of the greatest things about this year and the band has been all of you.  I feel like I know you, I think and even sometimes dream about you.  I feel loved and supported and informed by all your stories.  We're all very lucky to have each other through this.  Thank you so much to all my 91 followers, and please, if I'm not following you, leave me a comment with a link to your blog, because I want to be following you back.  And finally to anyone who is recently banded or pre-op or just trying to decide - for me, getting the band was one of the best decisions I've ever made, I haven't regretted it even once and I know that not only would I not have lost 50lbs, but I would've gained and been bigger than ever and more miserable than ever.  So go for it!  Now don't cringe at my photos!

October 2011:

October 2012:

Times of Strife

Darling ones,

I know I have been MIA - been really struggling with shitty family situation - my sister being responsible for the care of her daughter, my beautiful 5 month old niece, Betty - whilst drinking and taking hard drugs.  Totally unbearable and I am furious and disgusted at my sister's behaviour.  I just want to take my niece and give her the loving environment she deserves.

I have been seriously tight the last few weeks and have been surviving on sliders mostly, which is just crap and makes me feel crap.  My bandiversary is on Monday and although I won't have quite reached halfway, my weight had gone back up to over 200lbs and I've managed to lose 3lbs getting me back to my lowest of 197lbs.  Maybe I can make that 196lbs by Monday to at least have a new low to celebrate a year banded.

I haven't done any exercise in a LONG TIME!  I feel like I'm in limbo because we're living with Ben's parents and waiting to find our own place.  Ideally we'll be moving in 3-4 weeks if we manage to find somewhere.  I haven't wanted to blog because I feel like such a failure.  Like I'm not trying hard enough and complaining all the time.  I was up to date with everyone's blogs until about a week ago when I just ran out of time - so much reading to do for uni - but from today I'll be back on track reading and do my best to comment when I can.  If you think of it, send some good vibes my way.  Thinking of you all.

LOVE xxx