This is my 70th post - I think I've blogging for about 10 months - I'm 10 days off my 8 month bandiversary and I've lost just shy of 40lbs. What pisses me off is that I had lost just shy of 40lbs 6 months ago. Nothing has happened for nearly all of my banded life. I can't change what has been. I can only affect what will be.
As you will know from recent posts, I recommitted for Phase 2. I have already fucked up Phase 2. It went wrong two weeks ago when I went to Alton Towers, a theme park in the north of England. We were only away for a couple of days with friends and had a great time (including me being so brave that I was able to spend an afternoon at a water park in nothing but my purple swim suit!), but after a pretty good fortnight and a loss of 4lbs, I felt out of control and started eating badly again and then some how rationalised just waiting til after my birthday (Monday 28th May) to get back on track. So that's what I did - Wednesday 30th was Phase 2:1 and it went great for three days, I was in the gym every morning before 9am (early for me!) and eating was good again. Until I had a really bad mental health day on Saturday and fell off the wagon again. When I weighed in on the 30th for my restart, I had gone all the way back up to 213.6lbs! Higher than I was when I began Phase 2 and a gain of about 5lbs in a week! This morning I was 209.4lbs.
I AM SO FED UP OF ALL THIS!
So what can I learn from the past month? One mistake leads to a throwing in of the towel. If I can't do things exactly as I planned (e.g. if I end up going out for dinner with friends rather than have my planned chicken at home or whatever), I feel like I'm no longer in control and that it'll take lots of planning and a specific date to start again. When I have a particularly difficult mental health day (sadly they are frequent), that I'm still relying on food to make it better. I sometimes just feel so panicked, so out of control that I have to do something to help it in the moment, in the past that has been self-harm, but I am desperately trying to make that part of my history not my present, so the only other behaviour to get past the feeling that I've learnt is to eat.
I WANT TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT. I WANT TO GET TO GOAL.
I've been really enjoying the benefits of exercising more. I've been working really hard at the gym and I feel stronger and fitter which is AWESOME! It's not become enough of a habit for me to jump up raring to go every day though. I know that if I just keep going then I will get there!
I'm pretty much in charge of all the meals, my man is very easy going (obviously likes man food) but he can just have some fries with his dinner or whatever while I stick to the protein and veg - on the good days, it's been really good! Aiming for 1200 calories, 70g protein, loads of water, loads of veg. It's so frustrating that just a few mistakes send me off onto 2500 calorie days of chocolate and sweets and biscuits (aren't we lucky that these are our sliders!) Generally I reckon I'm at the sweet spot. I can't eat more than a cup of food. I can't really eat much bread, pasta, rice or fries/potato wedges/any potato product apart from really skinny crispy fries and mash. I'm very very happy that I can still eat salad, I've heard a lot of people have problems with lettuce in particular. Salad is a big favourite and I eat it for lunch every day. Pretty much the only time I PB now is when eating with other people who don't know about the band - I panic that I'm going too slowly and that someone will say something. Obviously I try and avoid worrying about it because as we all know pb'ing is gross and horrid and can affect your ability to eat solid food without throwing up more.
What it comes down to - and this is the discovery - though it was so obvious that I should be given a dumbass award - I am scared of failure. And so, because I'm scared I'll fail when trying my absolute hardest and putting my all into it, I create a self fulfilling prophecy by sabotaging myself. It's not astrophysics! This is the exact same problem I have with every other area of my life.
How do you get past this?
Love you all x