Anywaaaaaay...weird. My first port of call today is to say thank you to you all for your lovely, supportive, encouraging comments on my last post. I was so pissed off. In particular, I want to thank Kristin (http://myjourneybeingbanded.blogspot.co.uk/) for her kind words and for directing me to her series of 'Holy Grail' posts which have done so much to help me this week. If you haven't read them, go read them. I think that over time, and with re-reading, different things about Kristin's posts will inspire me and become significant, but for now, the thing I want to focus on, the thing I feel I need the most, is to find some semblance of balance.
Our fabulous JRD just mentioned in her most recent about needing to find balance because life and our motivation and our moods, are ALWAYS going to go up and down. As is life.
I am a complete all or nothing person. With everything. And I also believe I'll fail at everything (great self-esteem right?!) SO - if I'm going to fail, and thus not do anything perfectly, why do anything at all. This is why I'm half-arseing my way through my degree, because if I try my best and don't do it 'perfectly' then it seems like the end of the world or something. In terms of my band and losing weight, in my head I'm either perfectly on track - not going over my calories (not even once), exercising 5 days a week and losing 2lbs religiously (and you can't even guarantee that last one no matter what you do!) - OR - off the wagon and using that as a justification for eating everything and anything (within the band's limits of course). For example, when I'm not on track and I'm at the supermarket, I look at the things that are really bad for me, that if I'm honest, generally make me feel ill (too much fat since banding makes me feel quite nauseas), and think, I best get them now and eat them all at once while I'm off track because I can't have it when I'm on track.
All that this all or nothing madness is doing is causing failure and self-hatred. Whenever I thought of the classic Einstein quote (the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results), I always thought it just applied to my binge/fat self - but actually I have to apply it to the bigger picture - if I continue the all or nothing self, I'm always going to get the same results, which currently is this maintenance I've been experiencing for 6 months. And yes it's good that I've pretty much maintained, apart from those few pesky lbs, but this isn't how I want to do it when I do finally get to goal.
SO - with all this in mind - I have to come up with a new strategy and mindset. For now, I'm changing three things:
- Only weigh in once a week (instead of every day as per usual). I never wanted to admit that I was affected intensely by the number on the scale, but I am. If it's up, I hate it and want to give up. Instead of looking at my daily fluctuations, I'm going to hope for an overall downward trend. Any loss is a loss. I've got to stop looking at 2lbs a week as the only success. A gentle, gradual decrease in my weight is ok. It has to be ok because the way I was looking at it before was hurting me.
- Exercise to make me happy. I want to achieve things in my exercise and fitness. I want to succeed through hard work and perseverance. I really like the feeling when I finish my workout, knowing that I did a positive thing for my body and my mind, I took a step in the right direction.
- Just for now, I'm not going to count calories or necessarily track, just for now I want to get out of the rigid diet perfectly mentality. I'm really going to try and listen to what my body wants and needs. I particularly want to get rid of 'last chance' binges which make me feel like shit, are no good for my band or for my mental health. I know I'm an emotional eater, so I'm just going to try and slow down and think and address those moments when they come. I'm going to try and stick to bandster portions, 3 meals a day, 2 snacks and do my best to get my protein and fruit and veg in, and hopefully just feed my body with what it needs, not what my tastebuds of my emotions desire.
I don't expect this necessarily to lead to weight loss straight away, and that hard for me to come to terms with, but in the long run, I'm addressing what has been wrong and finding a new way to go about things.
So last Wednesday I weighed in, 208.6lbs, only 0.8lbs from my recent lowest, and I'll update you this coming Wednesday as to what the scale has to say.
I leave you with my biggest NSV to date...
I RAN A MILE!!!
My first ever mile, about 14.5mins, so hardly the speed of light, but it's the furthest I've ever run and I stopped at 15 minutes, 4 minutes longer than my longest run of 11mins back in January. I am beyond proud of myself and I'm going to try and do it again tomorrow!!