Degree Stress

Hi lovelies, got a bit behind with reading your blogs but all caught up now, sorry for minimal commenting.  I have been wildly busy getting my degree finished.  Still got just over two weeks to go so I expect to be pretty absent til then.  Wish I could be blogging more right now, but just have an insane amount of work to get done.  My first deadline is this Monday when I'll be handing three essays in (that I haven't finished yet!), then one a week for two weeks.
My weight is still upsettingly high, none of my clothes fit, and I'm closer to where I started than I can bear.  However, I got in contact with my band office and have a phone appointment with the dietician on the 1st May, and then on 7th I'm going in for a fill.  I can definitely eat way too much, pizza, pasta, bread, and much too much.  I don't know about hunger because I never leave it long enough between eating to feel it.  So I'm going for a fill, aiming for about 0.2ml, I had 0.25ml taken out about 7 months ago, which coincides with the start of my weight gain, I don't know how I didn't put two and two together - stupid!
I still believe I can do this.  Once my degree is done I'm going to get back to training for my 5k, got a heart rate monitor that connects to my iphone which I'm excited to use.  I will not give up.
Love to you all xxx

Hoarders

Missing some bloggers at the moment - Andrea, Cat, Rachel, Sarah, JRD - thinking of you all - don't know if you're reading, but hope all's well.  LOVE!

It felt really good to get that last post out.  It was good and felt really positive compared to a lot of the negativity of late.  I haven't bought binge foods for the last four days now.  That's not to say I have eaten all that well, still had some things like ice cream and kitkats at home, but the I haven't spent the last 4 evenings surrounded by my chocolate and my sweets in binge quantities like I usually do.  This is a huge achievement. The evenings need to change from binge fests, to relaxation without food.  I am full after dinner, I don't need to eat.  So the habit needs to change.  And so far I'm doing that.
I've got a cold (though it's getting better) so haven't run for 6 days, but hopefully will get back to it tomorrow.

I'm on my eighth hour of learning to drive, it's going well but is stressful and scary (it's all manual/stick shift over here don't forget!)  I'm having about 4 lessons a week.

I realised that in my last post I mentioned that one of the things I like doing is researching and watching programs on hoarding but didn't explain this.  Once my degree is over (less than a month, people!) I plan to set up my own business as a professional organiser/declutterer with a focus on hoarding and life/home organisation.  I am very organised, love cleaning and organising, creating functional systems for the smooth running of home and life.  It's all very exciting.  It's the first time I've really felt motivated and excited about a potential career that is at the same time realistic (compared to previous plans of being a rockstar or A-list actress).  Just thought I'd clear that up in case you thought I was a hoarder (I'm the opposite, in fact).

Must dash.  Love xxx

Epiphany

I have a big post for you - I just free wrote a monologue and I'm not going to edit it, I'm just going to put it out there.  I didn't weigh in this week because the number was just going up.  Today I have done really well stopping, thinking, and asking whether my actions take me towards my goals.  I didn't buy any binge food and so far, apart from a bit of ketchup, haven't had any sugar.  Feeling ok.  So here goes...

"I am always going to have a problem with food.  Accept it.  Whether I’m thin or morbidly obese, food will be my battle.  This does not define me.  It does not mean I am destined to a life of binging and obesity.  I will not be normal when I reach my goal weight, I will not be able to forget everything I’ve learnt and eat like the people around me, it will require constant maintenance.  That’s ok.  That’s my deal in life and I can handle it.  I can handle it.  My size therefore, is not my lot in life.  It is changeable.  It is not who I am.  My obesity does not spell out other personality traits.  Just because I am currently obese, it does not mean that I am greedy or lazy or disgusting or weak.  It does not mean I am worthless or without motivation.  Just like if I was thin it would not mean any of those things.  My personality is separate to my body.  My personality is separate to my size.  My weight does not dictate who I am.  Just because many fat people do not like exercise and would rather sit than move, just because a lot of fat people eat huge amounts, don’t care about their bodies and would never want to run, does not mean I am like that.  It is not their fat that makes them that way, that is their personality.  My personality does not look like my body.  I am very strong.  I have overcome a huge amount in my life and have tackled some trauma that means my life isn’t easy, but I am still here.  I have not given up.  And I will not.  I am strong.  Strong people can lift and move and walk tall and move obstacles out of their way.  I am kind.  I am kind to those around me, I like doing things for people.  I am patient and considerate and gentle and loving to my friends and family.  Some wonderful people want to be around me, and they could choose to be around anyone.  But they want me.  I have a positive influence on their lives.  I instinctively want to help others and make them happy.  I can also, therefore, be kind to myself.  I would never treat anyone the way I treat myself.  I wouldn’t speak to anyone the way I speak to myself and I wouldn’t give up on any one the way I do to myself.  I would never tell anyone they were worthless and that their dreams were unachievable.  I don’t need to say those things to myself anymore.  I can say kind things to myself.  I can act kindly towards myself.  I can behave in a way that makes me truly happy and supports wellness and a good life.  Just like I would do to my loved ones.  I am funny and enthusiastic and with that comes energy.  I don’t always feel energetic, but I have to the capacity and capability to be.  The more fun I have and the more I do, the more that comes.  Enthusiasm leads to positive experiences.  The more of those I look for and embrace the better I’ll feel.  I’m intelligent.  I am close to getting my degree, I can play the piano, I understand Freud and even some Kant (not Derrida though, but who needs to?!)  I’m well read and passionate about literature.  I love reading.  I can figure things out, I can understand what is being explained to me, I know a lot of wonderful vocabulary to describe all the amazing things I see and think.  I’m intelligent and smart people often make smart decisions.  I can make those smart decisions about my life and my happiness.  Just because my body is currently this size, does not mean I don’t like exercise or healthy food, it just means I’ve taken a beating and have had a very negative and depressive attitude that does not serve me anymore.  The behaviours that I have adopted to help me through the trauma in my life are no longer useful, helpful or kind.  I don’t need those behaviours anymore.  I am strong enough to do anything and I don’t need dysfunctional and harmful behaviours to hold me down anymore, I don’t want to be held down.  I have things to do, a wonderful life to create with a fulfilling career and a wonderful family of my own to have.  I got stuff to do and I don’t need any of that pain holding me down anymore.  I can find strength in pain.  I will find the strength.

The second part of this is about want.  What do you naturally want to do?  Ask: do you want to go for a run right now?  No.  Do you want to watch a Gerard Butler film right now?  Yes.  Do you want to watch or read hoarding research?  Yes.  Do you want to do your uni work?  No.  Understanding the immediate and delayed gratification and focussing on the benefits of both, transferring the want, I will begin to make some behavioural changes.

Every time I make a decision I want to and will ask myself:  Does this take you closer to, or further away from your goals?

It’s as simple as that.  You may know the right answer but take the opposite action, but it’s a start.  But for this to work I must figure out my goals.  Goals will take a variety of forms, long term, short time and lifetime.  For now:

Finish my degree and get a 2:1.  This has to come first because of the time limit.  I can and must finish my degree in one month.  I have let my schedule slip but that does not mean all is lost.  I am smart enough to do it.  I am brave enough to do it.  Procrastinating makes me feel sad, lost, angry and pathetic.  Completing a day of studying or an essay makes me feel proud, capable and relieved.  Which would I rather feel?  I love the literature, get excited about figuring it out and enjoy it rather than feeling afraid of it.  This is your last opportunity to get stuck in because in a month it’ll be done and you will have achieved the most amazing thing.  You may even miss it once it’s gone.  You can do this.  You got this. 

Get a hold on my binge eating.  Start eating proper meals when hungry that give me nutrition, energy and satiety.  I would prefer this to eating chocolate for breakfast (leftover from the night before’s binge.)  I would like to feel hunger.  I would like to feel that my digestion is healthy.  I like the way clean eating makes me feel clean inside and clean minded. 

Get fit.  I really want to be able to run the whole 5k at the end of June.  I want to achieve my weekly goal of running 4x a week and increasing my running time a little every session (approximately one extra minute running per session).  I want to continue increasing my fitness, adding weights and resistance to my repertoire and eventually, maybe even in 2014, run a marathon.  The sense of achievement I will get from this will be immense and I would love to know what my body can do and how it will feel when physically fit and looked after."

Love to you all xxx

Run Things Run Day

1. I had my meeting with my personal training friend, R, yesterday.  We went for a run along the seafront in Brighton - 2 mins on, 1 min off x 5; 1 min on, 1 min off x 5 - it was tough, and cold which left me coughing for about half an hour afterwards.  We then spent an hour and a half chatting, I told her about my band, I admitted and wrote down my binges and all the awful eating of the last few months.  I felt really emotional but, for the first time in a while, hopeful.  She was really caring and helpful.
2. We decided to focus on non-food related behaviour changes to start with to give me a chance it success to begin with (food being my biggest obstacle).  So the changes that we worked on:
3. Get up at the same time each day.  I'm not a morning person and my time is very flexible, so I've decided to set my alarm for 9am every day and do my best not to go back to sleep.  Don't judge for the late alarm.  I always feel like shit when I wake up to an alarm, I'd LOVE to naturally wake up by 8am every day...one day perhaps.  
4. Also - for at least 30 mins before bed, to switch off the TV, computer, stop studying and just relax, read a magazine, chill.
5. Every Sunday night I've got to take my resting heart rate and send it to her.  I guess as my cardiovascular health goes up, that number should get better.
6. And in preparation for my 5k in June, I've chosen to run 4 days a week.  I'd rather do more days rather than fewer so it becomes more of a daily habit.  I was achy after running yesterday, but I went for another run today as planned.  Initially I was going to do the same program as yesterday but I didn't want to be looking at my watch every couple of minutes.  Instead I downloaded C25K and did Week 2, Day 1.  I did fine and I was really glad I did it (outside even though there were flakes of snow falling from the sky!) but it was less than planned.  Next run (planned for Saturday), I'm going to do Week 3, Day 1. 
7. Got my second driving lesson tomorrow!  Excited and nervous.
8. I'm still really struggling with my eating and I'm very upset about the gained weight I can see on my body.  But I'm starting to take steps towards a healthier life at least.
9.  This is me after my run before my shower.
10. I'm reading and following lots of new blogs, hi everyone xxx

Late BYOC

For a bit of light relief, I thought I'd join this week's BYOC (thanks darling Draz), I don't even care that it's so late!

1. What's your first reaction when you get really angry?

I don't really know how to deal with anger.  My whole life I've witnessed my mum get into a completely hysterical, apoplectic state during arguments with my step-dad.  From a young age my sister and I had to literally pick her up off the floor where she would have slumped herself, exhausted from screaming her head off in fury.  The arguments never warranted such a reaction, but she would just lose it - she would shoot off into the limbic part of her brain (the little centre where you lose your shit) and not come back until she was exhausted.  I swore I'd never be like her.  I swore I'd never get into that state, because what if I did and could never get back again?  What if one day my children had to pick me up off the floor, a sobbing, hysterical mess.  So I shut down, I turned all my anger inwards.  After my Dad moved to Australia when I was 10, the anger, the grief and the horror of abandonment left me traumatised, angry, ashamed, self-hating and depressed.  But I became nicer and nicer to those around me.  I turned all that anger inwards and the result was 4 years of self-harm that got worse and worse by the day.  I have made peace with the fact my dad left over the past couple of years.  I had it out with him in 2011, and although we've always been close, I had hidden all the anger I felt towards him until then.  Since then I've done my best to not shy away from anger so much, though if I feel angry with a loved one I rarely project it onto them.  I am so afraid of people not liking me or perceiving me badly (because I assume they already do because of my weight), that I keep my anger in.  It doesn't stop me feeling it though.  And I'm pretty sure it's toxic.  I'd really like to work on just processing it normally instead of stuffing it down and inevitably eating it.

2. When is the last time you cried in sadness or in joy?

I am a crier.  I gotta say, I am one weepy little mush bag.  Can't help it.  Adverts, goodbyes, kindness, people achieving things (Oscars, Olympics, singing talent shows) are the worst!  Loving people (sometimes with Ben or my bestie Lizzie I just cry because I love them so much and because they love me.)  Having said that, I can't remember specifically the last time I cried.  It was probably in the last 3 days.

3. If the stars aligned and everything was perfect from your partner to your job and income and everything- how many kids would you choose to have?

Well, I'm not quite at the baby making stage yet, though I go through periods of extreme broodiness!  Ben and I definitely want kids.  I was thinking two, one for each hand, and also I grew up with just my sister whereas Ben has two older sisters so he wants three.  I think it's quite common to want what you grew up with, that's what's familiar to you.  I think I'd be happy to have three in a perfect world.  Realistically I don't know what our lives (and incomes) hold.  We'll see.  I'm thinking the first one in the next 4-5 years.

4. If you won the lottery- what is the first purchase you'd make?

Oh my gosh, I think about winning the lottery all the time.  I would really love to win the lottery, I know it sounds so greedy and superficial, but goodness me it would be wonderful.  There are so many things I'd want to buy, a house, a kitten, a Boxer dog for Ben, rehab for my sister, back surgery for Ben's sister who has a terrible slipped disc situation and has to wait at least two months for her surgery whilst being in agony all the time, a round the world plane ticket, all the things.  But maybe the first thing would be an all day full body massage.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

In blog land, I'm so happy to be blogging again.  I've received so much support from you all lately, particularly for my last post.  It means so so much and makes me feel less alone.  I've been reading every day and would like to be blogging at least once more per week.

In real life, well, the last post speaks for itself in terms of where I'm at mentally with my eating and my weight.  Apart from that I had a busy but lovely Easter weekend.  Spent Saturday at a spa for a friend's hen do (bachelorette party), got a half hour back massage, swam, sat in the (rather violent) jacuzzi.  There was a steam room and sauna too but I had a ton of essay writing to do while I was there so I just lay on a lounger by the (indoor) pool (it's like 0 degrees here) and worked.  Was lovely and relaxing.  Then we went out for Turkish food (hummus, tzatziki, flat bread, chicken, lamb, harissa etc - yum), and then for cocktails in the evening.  On Sunday we spent the morning at my mum's with my sister and her boyfriend, my step-sister, her husband and daughter and my grandparents.  Ben did me a little easter egg hunt in the morning (because they are one of my favourite things!) and then we had another one for my niece in the afternoon.  We then went to Ben's mum's where all his family were including his two nephews, who are 2 and 4.  I adore them, such rascals!!  Then yesterday we went to Ben's dad's for more family, more eating and more eater egg hunts.  Unfortunately I pb'd both days, I get nervous and eat too quickly at family events - stupid really.

Now it's back to reality, I've got a lot of work to do - there's not really going to be any let up for the next 6 weeks until 13th May when I finish my degree!!!

Anyway, love to you all, thank you again for all your kind messages.  I'll let you know how the curfew goes starting tonight xxx

Curfew

The scale said 226lbs when I stood on it this morning which is up 3.2lbs from last week.  I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF.  Nothing seems to stop me gorging on food all day every day.  My band certainly doesn't stop me.  Why must the band allow all sugary junk food to slip through it?  I feel like such a failure.  Nearly 18 months out from surgery, I've now slipped so far backwards that I've only lost about 21lbs and I'm fucking sick and tired of it.  My clothes that I had been wearing are now too small again, my back hurts.  What am I going to do?  Remember when you went into surgery with the fears of 'what if my last resort doesn't work?' - this is what it looks like.  This is what failure looks like.  Fuck.

Sorry, just had to get that out.  I know it's not pleasant to read about other people's self pity and misery.  I wish I could be all light and hope, but I feel hopeless.

I've made the goal to work towards this 5k, I'm meeting my personal trainer friend on Wednesday for a run and for her to give me my training plan.  So right now I'm not doing anything to help my weight go in the right direction, but in two days time I am.  I am doing a good thing for my health starting on Wednesday, so maybe I'm not a failure, maybe I haven't given up?

I need a food goal.  I need to do something to stop the free for all I've pretty much been on for 7 months.  When I joined Food Addicts Anonymous back in February, I was at rock bottom and I lasted without sugar, wheat or flour for one week before a binge caused me to lose my way.  I know sugar is the enemy.  But the trying and failing over the three weeks I tried to follow the FA program made me INSANE - I couldn't study, my moods were extreme, I was horrible to everyone around me.  I am so damaged and mentally unbalanced that I need binging and sugar to live.  I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

I'm going to make a food goal.  From tomorrow, I am going to stop eating at 9pm.  Seeing as my worst binging is at night, after dinner, before bed.  Even if I can't stop binging or eating shit, at least I can try and minimise the time I have to do it.  If I can cut out 2 hours a day (9pm - 11pm when I'll try and go to sleep), then I will in turn be consuming less overall.  By giving myself an eating curfew, I hope to focus a little better on my goals, my reasons for wanting to lose weight etc.  Just something to stop the free for all.  And then on Wednesday, I'll see about adding my 5k training as well.

Sorry again for the melodrama and the misery, one day I'll be better.