Late BYOC

For a bit of light relief, I thought I'd join this week's BYOC (thanks darling Draz), I don't even care that it's so late!

1. What's your first reaction when you get really angry?

I don't really know how to deal with anger.  My whole life I've witnessed my mum get into a completely hysterical, apoplectic state during arguments with my step-dad.  From a young age my sister and I had to literally pick her up off the floor where she would have slumped herself, exhausted from screaming her head off in fury.  The arguments never warranted such a reaction, but she would just lose it - she would shoot off into the limbic part of her brain (the little centre where you lose your shit) and not come back until she was exhausted.  I swore I'd never be like her.  I swore I'd never get into that state, because what if I did and could never get back again?  What if one day my children had to pick me up off the floor, a sobbing, hysterical mess.  So I shut down, I turned all my anger inwards.  After my Dad moved to Australia when I was 10, the anger, the grief and the horror of abandonment left me traumatised, angry, ashamed, self-hating and depressed.  But I became nicer and nicer to those around me.  I turned all that anger inwards and the result was 4 years of self-harm that got worse and worse by the day.  I have made peace with the fact my dad left over the past couple of years.  I had it out with him in 2011, and although we've always been close, I had hidden all the anger I felt towards him until then.  Since then I've done my best to not shy away from anger so much, though if I feel angry with a loved one I rarely project it onto them.  I am so afraid of people not liking me or perceiving me badly (because I assume they already do because of my weight), that I keep my anger in.  It doesn't stop me feeling it though.  And I'm pretty sure it's toxic.  I'd really like to work on just processing it normally instead of stuffing it down and inevitably eating it.

2. When is the last time you cried in sadness or in joy?

I am a crier.  I gotta say, I am one weepy little mush bag.  Can't help it.  Adverts, goodbyes, kindness, people achieving things (Oscars, Olympics, singing talent shows) are the worst!  Loving people (sometimes with Ben or my bestie Lizzie I just cry because I love them so much and because they love me.)  Having said that, I can't remember specifically the last time I cried.  It was probably in the last 3 days.

3. If the stars aligned and everything was perfect from your partner to your job and income and everything- how many kids would you choose to have?

Well, I'm not quite at the baby making stage yet, though I go through periods of extreme broodiness!  Ben and I definitely want kids.  I was thinking two, one for each hand, and also I grew up with just my sister whereas Ben has two older sisters so he wants three.  I think it's quite common to want what you grew up with, that's what's familiar to you.  I think I'd be happy to have three in a perfect world.  Realistically I don't know what our lives (and incomes) hold.  We'll see.  I'm thinking the first one in the next 4-5 years.

4. If you won the lottery- what is the first purchase you'd make?

Oh my gosh, I think about winning the lottery all the time.  I would really love to win the lottery, I know it sounds so greedy and superficial, but goodness me it would be wonderful.  There are so many things I'd want to buy, a house, a kitten, a Boxer dog for Ben, rehab for my sister, back surgery for Ben's sister who has a terrible slipped disc situation and has to wait at least two months for her surgery whilst being in agony all the time, a round the world plane ticket, all the things.  But maybe the first thing would be an all day full body massage.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

In blog land, I'm so happy to be blogging again.  I've received so much support from you all lately, particularly for my last post.  It means so so much and makes me feel less alone.  I've been reading every day and would like to be blogging at least once more per week.

In real life, well, the last post speaks for itself in terms of where I'm at mentally with my eating and my weight.  Apart from that I had a busy but lovely Easter weekend.  Spent Saturday at a spa for a friend's hen do (bachelorette party), got a half hour back massage, swam, sat in the (rather violent) jacuzzi.  There was a steam room and sauna too but I had a ton of essay writing to do while I was there so I just lay on a lounger by the (indoor) pool (it's like 0 degrees here) and worked.  Was lovely and relaxing.  Then we went out for Turkish food (hummus, tzatziki, flat bread, chicken, lamb, harissa etc - yum), and then for cocktails in the evening.  On Sunday we spent the morning at my mum's with my sister and her boyfriend, my step-sister, her husband and daughter and my grandparents.  Ben did me a little easter egg hunt in the morning (because they are one of my favourite things!) and then we had another one for my niece in the afternoon.  We then went to Ben's mum's where all his family were including his two nephews, who are 2 and 4.  I adore them, such rascals!!  Then yesterday we went to Ben's dad's for more family, more eating and more eater egg hunts.  Unfortunately I pb'd both days, I get nervous and eat too quickly at family events - stupid really.

Now it's back to reality, I've got a lot of work to do - there's not really going to be any let up for the next 6 weeks until 13th May when I finish my degree!!!

Anyway, love to you all, thank you again for all your kind messages.  I'll let you know how the curfew goes starting tonight xxx