The scale said 226lbs when I stood on it this morning which is up 3.2lbs from last week. I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF. Nothing seems to stop me gorging on food all day every day. My band certainly doesn't stop me. Why must the band allow all sugary junk food to slip through it? I feel like such a failure. Nearly 18 months out from surgery, I've now slipped so far backwards that I've only lost about 21lbs and I'm fucking sick and tired of it. My clothes that I had been wearing are now too small again, my back hurts. What am I going to do? Remember when you went into surgery with the fears of 'what if my last resort doesn't work?' - this is what it looks like. This is what failure looks like. Fuck.
Sorry, just had to get that out. I know it's not pleasant to read about other people's self pity and misery. I wish I could be all light and hope, but I feel hopeless.
I've made the goal to work towards this 5k, I'm meeting my personal trainer friend on Wednesday for a run and for her to give me my training plan. So right now I'm not doing anything to help my weight go in the right direction, but in two days time I am. I am doing a good thing for my health starting on Wednesday, so maybe I'm not a failure, maybe I haven't given up?
I need a food goal. I need to do something to stop the free for all I've pretty much been on for 7 months. When I joined Food Addicts Anonymous back in February, I was at rock bottom and I lasted without sugar, wheat or flour for one week before a binge caused me to lose my way. I know sugar is the enemy. But the trying and failing over the three weeks I tried to follow the FA program made me INSANE - I couldn't study, my moods were extreme, I was horrible to everyone around me. I am so damaged and mentally unbalanced that I need binging and sugar to live. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
I'm going to make a food goal. From tomorrow, I am going to stop eating at 9pm. Seeing as my worst binging is at night, after dinner, before bed. Even if I can't stop binging or eating shit, at least I can try and minimise the time I have to do it. If I can cut out 2 hours a day (9pm - 11pm when I'll try and go to sleep), then I will in turn be consuming less overall. By giving myself an eating curfew, I hope to focus a little better on my goals, my reasons for wanting to lose weight etc. Just something to stop the free for all. And then on Wednesday, I'll see about adding my 5k training as well.
Sorry again for the melodrama and the misery, one day I'll be better.