Epiphany

I have a big post for you - I just free wrote a monologue and I'm not going to edit it, I'm just going to put it out there.  I didn't weigh in this week because the number was just going up.  Today I have done really well stopping, thinking, and asking whether my actions take me towards my goals.  I didn't buy any binge food and so far, apart from a bit of ketchup, haven't had any sugar.  Feeling ok.  So here goes...

"I am always going to have a problem with food.  Accept it.  Whether I’m thin or morbidly obese, food will be my battle.  This does not define me.  It does not mean I am destined to a life of binging and obesity.  I will not be normal when I reach my goal weight, I will not be able to forget everything I’ve learnt and eat like the people around me, it will require constant maintenance.  That’s ok.  That’s my deal in life and I can handle it.  I can handle it.  My size therefore, is not my lot in life.  It is changeable.  It is not who I am.  My obesity does not spell out other personality traits.  Just because I am currently obese, it does not mean that I am greedy or lazy or disgusting or weak.  It does not mean I am worthless or without motivation.  Just like if I was thin it would not mean any of those things.  My personality is separate to my body.  My personality is separate to my size.  My weight does not dictate who I am.  Just because many fat people do not like exercise and would rather sit than move, just because a lot of fat people eat huge amounts, don’t care about their bodies and would never want to run, does not mean I am like that.  It is not their fat that makes them that way, that is their personality.  My personality does not look like my body.  I am very strong.  I have overcome a huge amount in my life and have tackled some trauma that means my life isn’t easy, but I am still here.  I have not given up.  And I will not.  I am strong.  Strong people can lift and move and walk tall and move obstacles out of their way.  I am kind.  I am kind to those around me, I like doing things for people.  I am patient and considerate and gentle and loving to my friends and family.  Some wonderful people want to be around me, and they could choose to be around anyone.  But they want me.  I have a positive influence on their lives.  I instinctively want to help others and make them happy.  I can also, therefore, be kind to myself.  I would never treat anyone the way I treat myself.  I wouldn’t speak to anyone the way I speak to myself and I wouldn’t give up on any one the way I do to myself.  I would never tell anyone they were worthless and that their dreams were unachievable.  I don’t need to say those things to myself anymore.  I can say kind things to myself.  I can act kindly towards myself.  I can behave in a way that makes me truly happy and supports wellness and a good life.  Just like I would do to my loved ones.  I am funny and enthusiastic and with that comes energy.  I don’t always feel energetic, but I have to the capacity and capability to be.  The more fun I have and the more I do, the more that comes.  Enthusiasm leads to positive experiences.  The more of those I look for and embrace the better I’ll feel.  I’m intelligent.  I am close to getting my degree, I can play the piano, I understand Freud and even some Kant (not Derrida though, but who needs to?!)  I’m well read and passionate about literature.  I love reading.  I can figure things out, I can understand what is being explained to me, I know a lot of wonderful vocabulary to describe all the amazing things I see and think.  I’m intelligent and smart people often make smart decisions.  I can make those smart decisions about my life and my happiness.  Just because my body is currently this size, does not mean I don’t like exercise or healthy food, it just means I’ve taken a beating and have had a very negative and depressive attitude that does not serve me anymore.  The behaviours that I have adopted to help me through the trauma in my life are no longer useful, helpful or kind.  I don’t need those behaviours anymore.  I am strong enough to do anything and I don’t need dysfunctional and harmful behaviours to hold me down anymore, I don’t want to be held down.  I have things to do, a wonderful life to create with a fulfilling career and a wonderful family of my own to have.  I got stuff to do and I don’t need any of that pain holding me down anymore.  I can find strength in pain.  I will find the strength.

The second part of this is about want.  What do you naturally want to do?  Ask: do you want to go for a run right now?  No.  Do you want to watch a Gerard Butler film right now?  Yes.  Do you want to watch or read hoarding research?  Yes.  Do you want to do your uni work?  No.  Understanding the immediate and delayed gratification and focussing on the benefits of both, transferring the want, I will begin to make some behavioural changes.

Every time I make a decision I want to and will ask myself:  Does this take you closer to, or further away from your goals?

It’s as simple as that.  You may know the right answer but take the opposite action, but it’s a start.  But for this to work I must figure out my goals.  Goals will take a variety of forms, long term, short time and lifetime.  For now:

Finish my degree and get a 2:1.  This has to come first because of the time limit.  I can and must finish my degree in one month.  I have let my schedule slip but that does not mean all is lost.  I am smart enough to do it.  I am brave enough to do it.  Procrastinating makes me feel sad, lost, angry and pathetic.  Completing a day of studying or an essay makes me feel proud, capable and relieved.  Which would I rather feel?  I love the literature, get excited about figuring it out and enjoy it rather than feeling afraid of it.  This is your last opportunity to get stuck in because in a month it’ll be done and you will have achieved the most amazing thing.  You may even miss it once it’s gone.  You can do this.  You got this. 

Get a hold on my binge eating.  Start eating proper meals when hungry that give me nutrition, energy and satiety.  I would prefer this to eating chocolate for breakfast (leftover from the night before’s binge.)  I would like to feel hunger.  I would like to feel that my digestion is healthy.  I like the way clean eating makes me feel clean inside and clean minded. 

Get fit.  I really want to be able to run the whole 5k at the end of June.  I want to achieve my weekly goal of running 4x a week and increasing my running time a little every session (approximately one extra minute running per session).  I want to continue increasing my fitness, adding weights and resistance to my repertoire and eventually, maybe even in 2014, run a marathon.  The sense of achievement I will get from this will be immense and I would love to know what my body can do and how it will feel when physically fit and looked after."

Love to you all xxx