Silly Scale

Well I'll be damned, I got back on the scale this morning about half an hour after my first (and official) weigh in, and suddenly gone were those extra 2lbs and I was at the same weight as last week - 16st5lbs(229lbs).  I don't know how 2lbs could've melted away in half an hour, I only had a wee in between!  My scale is fairly new but it wasn't very expensive, maybe the scale is a rubbish one?

In other news, though mushies start tomorrow (though it's after midnight, so I guess it's tomorrow now), I had some tuna with mayonnaise for dinner - I thought I'd be able to eat the whole can with 2tbsp mayo, but I don't think I even managed quite half.  It's a funny thing to be full on so much less than before.  I chewed it to death and took small mouthfuls - does tuna mayo count as a mushie?  Oh dear, it's suddenly occurred to me that it might not be??

I was wondering if anyone knew how I might film a vlog?  I just recently bought a webcam because my computer doesn't have one built in - but I don't know if there's a program on my computer that lets me record things - do you have to download some software to do it?  Sorry, probably a silly question, but I'd really like to do a vlog so you can all see me!

And lastly, thank you so much for your comments and your virtual hugs - I can't tell you how much better it made me feel to have them all fly in after my post earlier.  I feel so lucky to be blogging and to 'know' you all and have your support as well as being inspired by your stories.  This community really helps me feel less alone. x

Weigh In Grump

So it's weigh in day.  As reported in my last post, I seemed to have gained 3lbs overnight.  I managed to lose 1lb of that but I still have to report a gain.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st7lbs (231lbs)
Weight Loss this Week: +2lbs
Total Loss: 16lbs.

I know that we're meant to focus on recovery, not weight loss, but I just feel so demotivated by this.  I feel so miserable all the time, I shut myself away from my friends, I don't answer my phone, I hide.  And then when I do try and contact people, I don't get much of a response, like they don't want to see me.  I was just hoping that I'd feel less miserable because I'd had the surgery and that I'd be losing weight, not gaining it.  I haven't gone over 1000kcal per day so it must just be nonsense or a scale based head fuck.  I go onto mushies tomorrow which I'm looking forward to, but I fear it'll just lead to another gain next week.  Sorry for the pity party. x

Pics and progress

Ok, it seems that the last post went through so I'm trying again with crossed fingers!

I'm now on Day Eleven since surgery and am doing just fine.  Haven't needed any painkillers for the past 5 days and have been far more mobile.  I think my incisions are healing fine, though a little stitch is sticking out of one of the small ones which is creeping me out because it's like a transparent spider's leg!

Very frustratingly, I stepped on the scale for a sneaky peek this morning and it said I was THREE pounds UP since my weigh in on Friday.  This is unacceptable.  However, for my weigh in last week I was using different scales to usual so perhaps I didn't really lose 6lbs last week.  I didn't think they were that different though, maybe a lb max.  My calorie consumption has risen by about 200kcal since week one but I'm still on liquids and not going above 1000kcal per day.  What's happening?!

Here are my starting pictures - though taken the day before surgery so I was already 12lbs down.  I don't know what possessed me to do underwear shots, but perhaps the more awful these ones are, the better I'll feel when I have some progress and goal pics to compare them with.  Sorry they're so crap, I really should've got someone else to take them.

And here's me before surgery, though I hadn't yet been adorned with my oh so sexy compression stockings!

And a gruesome one, my main incision, taken 2 days ago.  Gross!

So a nice handful of grotesque pictures for your viewing pleasure!  I'm hoping that the 3lbs I seemed to have gained in the past 5 days are just an awful mistake and that they'll disappear quickly.

I'm not too hungry, but am sick of liquids.  Only 2 more days!!  Did anyone go onto mushies a tiny bit early?  I'm not getting enough protein at the moment, and I definitely need to work on getting more water.  Also, can't wait to get back to the gym and really start feeling the benefits of losing weight and the band.  I feel kind of frustrated at the moment because I still feel so lethargic.  Hopefully changes will be noticeable soon.

Much love to you all xxx

Blogger trouble!

I've posted twice now and I don't think my posts are going through.  Very frustrating.  Let's see if this one works.  I had posted a lovely long post with pictures and everything!

Day 6 and Weigh In

I am so behind on all your blogs!  I don't know if I'm going to be able to catch up on all of them...so I'm sorry not to have commented on anything for nearly a week.  But thank you all from the absolute bottom of my heart for all your comments, they made me feel so much better.

It's Day 6 now and I'm feeling quite a lot better.  I'm still pretty tired (doesn't help that it's freezing with dark skies at 11am over here in England) and I have some pain behind my left collar bone and left side, feels like a stitch.  But other than that, much better.  I took my dressings off yesterday in the bath (how wonderful to have a bath!)  Then I decided I had to wash my hair (it'd been nearly a week, yuck!) and thought this would be easier in the shower than in the bath.  I also chose this moment to be when I took the final dressing off to reveal the biggest wound.  Now, I don't know if it's just me being a wuss again, but taking those sticky dressings off when they're so stuck to your skin, really hurts!!  So there I was standing in the shower trying not to cry whilst taking this dressing off and slowly revealing the horrible cut underneath and...I fainted!!  Fell right down into the bath bashing my knee really hard and my boob.  It was a horrible shock and I just sat there in the empty bath sobbing whilst my mum on the other side of the door tried to insist she could break the door down to help.  No way was she seeing me in all my naked glory!!  Luckily it's only my knee that hurts, I was so worried that falling down (and let's face it, it was a pretty heavy fall) so soon after surgery was going to screw everything up, that my band was going to ping off my stomach or something.  Obviously not!

On to more exciting news...weight loss!  Weigh in day seems to have moved to Fridays now so this morning meant weigh in.  I know that once I'm on mushies and then solids pre-fill I may not lose much or even gain a little but I'm taking this week's weight loss as a victory.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st5lbs (229lbs)
This Week's Loss: 6lbs
Total Loss: 1st4lbs (18lbs)

This is WONDERFUL!!!  I know I've only been existing on liquids (which is getting OLD by the way) and not getting in many calories, but I thought that might hinder rather than help my weight loss.  I'm really glad to have seen a big number because it's hard to remember why you're putting yourself through all this pain sometimes.  And one of my favourite things about weigh in day is that I get to update my ticker!

Day Three

Thank you all so so much for your comments!  Sorry not to have posted again sooner.  I've had quite a lot of pain and discomfort.  Maybe I'm just a complete wuss, but I don't tolerate pain that well and it makes me panicky.  But the pain is definitely less today.  I've spent most of the past 2 days sleeping, topping up pain meds every 4-5 hours.  I've been really struggling to eat/drink anything.  I know I need to do better.  I just hate that uncomfortable feeling in my chest!  My goals for today are more walking and more water.  I've been having little walks around the house, but I'd really like to go outside today.  I managed to have a shower today (taped a plastic bag around my belly) which was a wonderful thing!  I should be able to take my dressings off tomorrow or the next day.  I've also been having injections each day to prevent blood clotting (my sister's been doing them so far) and man, do they sting!  Only four more to go.  Did any of you find it hard to take deep breaths and struggle to get much down?

I ended up telling my sister and my best friend.  I'm glad I did, they've both been lovely and have been visiting me.  Both were quite shocked.  My friend said she thought these things were only for really big people (like 800lb men) but I told her, this is what big enough for WLS looks like.  I felt quite vulnerable telling them, but I know that they'll be supportive regardless.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll feel a lot better.  I've got quite a bit of pain in my mid section and chest and behind my left collar-bone.  I'm going to try and eat/drink more to get my strength up.

xxx

BANDED!!!

I did it!  I made it through surgery and out the other side!  I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable and am burping my head off!  Just managed to have a little bit of soup after not really eating anything for 36hrs.  Have had loads of water and am doing fine.  Propped up on the sofa at home now.  Will give you more details when I'm feeling up to it.  Thank you all for your lovely messages, love you all! x

We're on like donkey kong!

All your crossed fingers and toes and eyes and whatevers paid off!  I AM BEING BANDED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so so relieved that it all went through in time and that my diagnosis didn't mean the surgeon couldn't give me surgery.  I leave in 3 hours to drive up to Birmingham where the hospital is (only a 2-3hr drive), where mum and I will stay overnight and then I we'll get to the hospital by 7am.  I'm not allowed any food after midnight and no water after 5am (I'm going to set my alarm for 4.45am and just glug all the water I can) - the dry mouth and thirst after surgery is one of the things I'm least looking forward to, I tend to feel panicked if I'm thirsty.

The second exciting thing is that I had my end of pre-op weigh in today.  It would've been tomorrow but I'm not taking my scales.  I'm sure they'll weigh me, but it won't be the same.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st11lbs (235lbs)
Total Loss: 12lbs!!!!!

I am absolutely delighted as my aim was to lose 7lbs during pre-op.  I'm worrying my head off about my liver being too fatty because even though I lost 12lbs, I definitely didn't stick to the diet exactly and had three big sugar binges.  But overall I did ok, I've been eating so much less than I had been.  It's a relief not to be eating so much.

So, thank you so much you fantastic and brave and gorgeous women, thank you for your virtual hugs and concern and positivity.  It really helped get me through.  I'll do my best to post on Sunday afternoon just to let you know that I'm ok and home.  Wish me luck!  See you on the other side. x

Psychiatrist

Unlike in America, a psych evaluation is not a standard part of the pre-op, for most people it isn't required (though we do have to fill out depression questionnaires and reveal any mental health problems).  But because of the information sent to my surgeon about my depression, it became essential.  Terrified of delaying surgery, I went to see a private (very expensive) psychiatrist for an assessment (in general as I have been meaning to do it for years) and specifically for surgery.  He confirmed what I thought which is that he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (though the name's now being changed to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and Binge Eating disorder.  However, he didn't see any reason why surgery couldn't go ahead.  He said that I had the capacity to make the decision, that I was aware of all the pros and cons and he is going to ok me for surgery in his report.  So now - with less than 36 hours to go til surgery (booked in at 7am, Saturday), and only 21 hours until mum and I leave to drive to Birmingham, I have to be sent the report by the psychiatrist, I then have to forward it to my patient care co-ordinator, who will then forward it to my surgeon who will then *fingers crossed* approve my surgery.  So it's all dependent on the right people seeing the right information in time.  It is VERY stressful.  Right now I don't know for sure if I am having surgery on Saturday but I am just going to carry on as though that original plan is in place, otherwise I will be too upset and it might be upset over nothing.  SO - I am waiting on an email from the psychiatrist and I'm fighting the urge to pester him - it's nearly 8.30pm here and although he did say it would be evening when he sent it, it's getting quite late.  I just want to know that I'm having surgery!!

Don't read this if you're sensitive to F-Bombs.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck.  My fucking surgery date may well have been fucking pushed back due the fucking ineptitude of my GP practice and my stupid fucking mental health problems.  Fuck's sake.

Basically got a call from the nurse today saying that because of the information only just received and processed from my GP (I basically have 2, home and uni) relating to my depression and 3 trips this year to see them about suicidal feelings - including a suicide attempt in January (not sure if I should share that or not...), that I have to see a psychiatrist before I can have surgery.  Apparently the psychoanalyst who I've been seeing for nearly 18 months won't do.  To see a psychiatrist on the NHS here could take up to 3 months, I can't wait that long.  Surgery HAS to be this Saturday as planned.  Right now I'm planning to see a private psychiatrist tomorrow, costing me £600!!!!!  I don't have that kind of money.  Mum has offered to put it on her nearly empty credit card, but even then, it's not certain that I will be able to have surgery in time - depending on what the surgeon thinks about the outcome (that's even if he accepts a private psychiatrist over an NHS one) - AND - I don't know what outcome of the appointment would mean I can or cannot have surgery.  They haven't told me if surgery will be completely cancelled if I get a certain diagnosis or not.

THIS IS TOO HARD, I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS.  I'm terrified that it's all going to go wrong and I'll never be able to have surgery and I'll be this way forever.

One week down, one week to go.

Weird...I posted yesterday but I'm not sure that it went through properly...And now when I try and copy and post it, it's got a pink background.  So Weird!!  I'm just going to write the whole post again.  It said there were zero page views on the post...maybe I'm just being ignored all of a sudden...who knows?!


Anyway, my news was, that I'd had my first weigh in...and am now only 6 days from surgery!!  It's so soon!  Can't believe it!  So, I do weigh in every day (can't help it) but Saturdays are my official weigh in days for now.


Starting Weight:  17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight:  17st1lb (239lbs)
Total Loss:  8lbs!!!!!


Woohoooooooo!!  This is the most I've ever lost in a week and I now have just under 100lbs to lose!!  The pre-op diet is hard because I feel deprived.  It's not that I'm massively hungry all the time, but I just feel like I'm being punished.  I think I felt this as a child since it was very rare we had treats and all I saw was everyone around me at school being allowed a sweetie day or dessert that wasn't fruit.  But I'll get through it.  


This time next week I will be a bandit!!!

Day 5 = Success

Just wanted to quickly say thank you so much to those of you who commented on my post yesterday.  I feel so much better knowing that everyone struggles with the pre-op diet and that I will get through it.  Today was a very good day in terms of the diet, I'd say about 95% good which is enough for me.  I've been feeling a bit chirpier today too, it's been a long time since I've felt like that.  I went to a life drawing class this evening which was great, I love life drawing, especially in charcoal.  I wonder if I could ever have the body confidence to strip off like our model did in a room full of 40 strangers and friends.  Could any of you?!

Screw Up

Ok - a scary, honest account of the last 4 days.  Be gentle.

I started well and have mostly continued well.  It's not a liquid diet that I have to do but one that consists of 2 eggs for breakfast, chicken salad for lunch, and fish/chicken with green vegetables for dinner.  Plus 3 x fruit per day, s/f jelly and broth.  So I'm sure it's not as awful as the liquid diet.  BUT...it is very hard because I'm still just eating regular food with the same lack of willpower as I had last week and for the the whole rest of my life. I have cheated twice.  Not little cheats, big cheats.  First day was fine, big pat on the back.  Second day I was in a terrible emotional state (still am) about university and whether I should really be here, about where I live and generally hating all the anxiety that stops me living a normal life.  And I thought I was going to explode, to jump out of the train, to...I don't know what.  And the only way I could think of to break this cycle of thinking was to have food.  I ate a bag of chocolate and a bag of sweets.  Not individual servings.  It was a horrible thing to do after a successful start.  Not put off by this, it has happened again.  Yesterday did perfectly and most of today and then I had the same panic/stress build up and I bought more sweets.  I CANNOT afford to do this again.  The fear I have that surgery won't be performed because my liver is too fatty, or that maybe I don't deserve to have a band if I've found the first four days so hard.  But thing is that through the days it was fine, and on the good days it was fine.  I didn't have a problem with the food I was having, I wasn't even that hungry, I missed lattes and diet coke but didn't feel starved.  But it is the emotional eating that I couldn't control.  Please someone tell me they screwed up at least once on the pre-op, even in just a small way??  Or that I can get past this...  Oh dear.

Pre-Op Diet - Day One.

Today was the first day of my 2 week pre-op diet.  I can't believe that this time in 2 weeks, I will be banded.  It feels like someone else's story, I can't believe all this is actually happening.  Today was ok, though I had quite long gaps between eating so I got quite hungry before dinner.  I live in a shared flat of 8 on campus and sadly my anxiety disorder has reared its awful head and is causing me a lot of problems when it comes to going into the kitchen.  I know logically that my flatmates are just people, just like me, that they won't hate me or hurt me, but I become paralysed and I can't seem to force myself to just go to the kitchen and make food.  If I can't overcome it, it's really going to get in the way of my healthy eating.  I have to get a handle on it.

Today was my official starting weight weigh in.  It is the highest number I have ever seen on the scale, but at least it will never be there again.  It's only down from now on.  I weighed in at:

17st9lbs (247lbs)!

Oh dear oh dear.  I'm feeling very nervous and small when I think about the task in front of me.  But we all adapt don't we.  Hopefully the next two weeks will whoosh by and before I know it, I'll be out of surgery and thinner than I am right now.  I'll get around to taking some 'before' pics soon. x