Happiness

Well hello my gorgeous girls!  Sorry I have been a little absent of late.  I must say, I have been having the most wonderful time!  I think I might have met a rather nice man!!!  And I think he's quite keen and I like him!!  Have been feeling excited and hopeful and generally happy all week because of him and spending time with wonderful old friends now that everyone's back in town for Christmas.  

On the band front:  I was meant to have a fill last Wednesday but ended up rearranging it because I had some family dramas going on and I just couldn't get away in time.  The fill now isn't until the 17th January, but I'm feeling ok.  To be honest, I haven't been paying that much attention to what I've been eating but that hasn't meant I've over eaten, I've actually not felt too bothered about it.  I don't feel any need to binge right now and am just trying to remain calm over the Christmas period and not get too stressed out.  There's going to be lots of food and things I don't usually have around me.  I'm not going to be able to always avoid it or make my usual choices but it's no big deal.  It'll pass, January will come around and I'll just keep on going, and if December ends up being a bad month on the scale, that doesn't mean that the rest of my life will be ruined.  It doesn't mean I won't keep losing weight and eventually get to my goal, because this isn't like every other time.  This time, we can all do it.  So many of you are doing it!  Just look at how incredible Ronnie looks as a great example of success!!  

Right, there's a big spurt of happiness for you, now I must go to sleep!  I'm a little behind on your blogs but I will catch up and I will do my best to leave some lovely comments for you.  Love x

Weigh In and Picking Myself Back Up

Hello my lovelies,  sorry I've been absent for a few days, really need to start posting more than once or twice a week.  But I have been reading and commenting a bit, will try to comment more.  But know that I'm reading and being inspired and thinking of you all.  Unfortunately, after my last post, things didn't get much better, and although I didn't go straight back to old habits (not completely possible so I guess there is a band in my belly!), I definitely wasn't on track and wasn't tracking (usually use myfitnesspal) and was eating too much.  So the scale was being a bitch and telling me each morning that I shouldn't be making these bad choices, I think there was one day when I was 6lbs up from last week!!  I think that was the last straw and I'm glad to say I've now had two good days and counting, tracking and staying within my calories.  I guess the scale was being extreme to help get me back on track because today's weigh in was much kinder.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 15st7lbs (217lbs)
Weight Loss this Week: 1lb
Total Loss: 30lbs.

So you'll see that I'm back where I was two weeks ago, gained a lb last week and lost it this week.  I feel very lucky that I wasn't back in the 220s this week and I frightened myself with how easy it was to lose sight of my goals.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your supportive comments last week.  I've read every single one of your blogs from start to finish (yes, even the really long ones that have been blogging for years!) and I know that everyone goes through bandster hell and that all of you are huge successes, I can be like you.  At least I hope so.  It really meant so much to me that you all responded with such kindness.  I hope I can repay it.

So here's to a better week, I will not spend another two weeks flirting with the same lb, I am going down.  Christmas will not get the better of me!!  Love x

Struggling

Ok, so I'm having a bit of a tough time with food.  I'm able to eat a lot more than I should be able to and it's so hard to not to revert back to old habits when it feels like nothing's in my way.  I try to remember why I'm doing this before eating, but it doesn't always happen.  I know everyone struggles once in a while.  I'm just afraid that this is all too much a case of willpower, and if so, how is it different from before?  I hope that once I get a couple more fills, things will change.  In the meantime, I've been trying to get my protein and water in and I've been to the gym the last two days.  In fact, on Saturday, I ran for 11 minutes!!!  Remember a couple of weeks ago I ran for 8 minutes which was the longest I'd ever run, well how's that for a 30% increase!!  I was very proud of myself, and it felt good to get moving again.  I'm heading home for the holidays tomorrow and I look forward to being active when I get there.  I'm scared that I'll gain weight again this week, maybe I should use that fear to help motivate me.  I'm just afraid that I won't be able to do this.

Grumble

So I gained a stupid lb.  It's been on the scale all week.  Then when I first stepped on the scale this morning it said 217lbs, the same weight as last week, stepped on it 3 more times and every time it showed 218lbs, 1lb up, so I had to be honest and put down on here what the scale said.  I have changed my ticker but I'm not going to pay any attention to this otherwise.  I do feel like binging because I feel upset and angry that I have lost this week and then that snowballs into being angry at myself for getting into this state.  BUT, I know that I was going over my preferred number of calories (1200) by a couple of hundred each day and I didn't go to the gym at all or do very much walking, and I'm incredibly stressed because I have a very difficult essay to write and no time left - I'm going to have to just hand it as it is, and apologise to my lecturer and myself for writing something that is a waste of time to read.  Hopefully next week will be better.  I'm going home from uni back to my family on Monday until the 8th January and so I won't have a gym just right there, I need to figure out what exercise I'm going to do in place of it.  Sorry for the boring and depressing post.  You're all fabulous. x

Beyonce

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCjALaD-K2Q - Beyonce, If I were a Boy. x

I just wanted to do a quick post about Beyonce, the real one, not the one round my stomach.  The reason I named my band Beyonce is because I had recently fallen in love with her after watching all the footage of her from Glastonbury (which I have never been to, but would love to!).  She is fierce and beautiful and inspiring and an amazing example of modern feminism and seems to be incredibly driven, moral and good.  On top of this she has the most incredible voice.  Well, for a little while, I hadn't exactly forgotten why I loved her, but I wasn't really listening to her music (some of the up tempo ones aren't really my favoured style of music) and just wasn't paying her the attention she deserves.  Until this Saturday that is when there was an hour long 'Evening with Beyonce' on tv where she sang some of her songs and answered some questions from the audience etc.  I turned the tv on and within about 3 minutes I was sobbing and I pretty much didn't stop crying until the show was over.  Now what was it about her that turned me into a snotty mascara stained hysterical mess.  I'm really not exaggerating when I say that I cried for the whole hour.  I think it's because I look at her and I see the distance between where I am and where she is.  I see her confidence and her talent and I want it.  It's not even about her phenomenal looks, but more about her freedom, and courage and her fitness.  I want to be able to move like her, to dance without fear of judgement.  The passion in her face when she dances and sings, she's telling a story.  I think the singing thing is the main thing that makes me so emotional though.  I have wanted to be a singer for a long time (with a few spells of wanting to act, write, direct etc) and many people have told me that I have a brilliant voice.  But I can't believe them.  I don't believe I'm good enough.  I know I don't sound awful, but I definitely haven't found my own singing personality, I really would like to be an interesting singer (I'm inspired by Joni Mitchell, Adele, Florence etc), not just someone who can belt out perfect notes.  And yet I can't seem to get away from the need for the perfection and instead focus on passion.  Anytime I'm at my piano when I go home, or go to the piano rooms on campus, I am so critical of myself that I sometimes forget to enjoy it.  I have performed once or twice in public and sometimes in front of my friends, but I have no where near enough self-belief or confidence despite others telling me I have the talent.  WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?  Because if I don't end up singing for the rest of my life, then I'm never going to be fulfilling my passion or the one thing I might really be good at.  I want the self-belief that Beyonce has.  I want to be brave enough to find opportunities to propel myself into a singing career.  I probably just sound like I'm whining.  But I just feel so inspired by her and so mesmerised and grateful that she exists.  I named my band Beyonce because I hope that this will finally be the route to becoming my best self.  The version of myself that I don't hate and maybe then the distance between Beyonce and I, won't feel so great.

I've been 1lb up from Friday's weigh in all week.  I'm really hoping to be at least 1lb down if not the same weight as last week to help keep morale up over the holiday season.  I've got my second fill appointment booked for 21st December, but might have to change it as it means I'll be on mushies for Christmas day which might be a bit too tricky.

Love to all x

Catch Up.

I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted!  Naughty me!  I kept thinking of things to write about and have had plenty of time, so no excuse.  I think sometimes I get nervous of posting in case it ends up being a completely lame and meaningless post.

But I suppose I have got some things to report.  Firstly, weigh in.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 15st7lbs (217lbs)
Loss this Week: 4lbs!
Total Loss: 30lbs!!!

I was not expecting a 4lb loss!!  All week my scale was showing a 1lb loss, until yesterday when it showed 3lbs lost, so I thought that was great, jumped on this morning and was greeted by this glorious number!  Funnily enough, I have eaten more calories this week.  Probably an average of about 1400 calories per day rather than 1200.  Perhaps my body just needs a bit more than I was giving it?

MAJOR NSV ALERT!!!  Ok, so on Sunday I was at the gym, doing my usual 45 minutes on the bike when I thought I'd have a go on the treadmill, just to see how long I could run for.  2.5 years ago I was training with a friend who's a personal trainer and I managed to run for 7.5 minutes, I was about 15lbs lighter then.  But more recently, I hadn't been able to run for more than about 3 minutes.  So I got on the treadmill, set it going at 4.2 mph, not fast I know, and I ran for EIGHT minutes.  This is the longest I have ever run for in my entire life!  I know it may not seem like much, and I certainly wasn't going that fast, but it is nevertheless, an AMAZING achievement for me and I really want to build on it. Unfortunately my calf muscles absolutely killed me for four days afterwards because I was stupid and didn't stretch.  I'm looking forward to getting back in the gym now that my muscles have recovered.

Now I have to admit something, I haven't been eating that well.  I know it might not seem to be the case because of my weight loss this week, but that's only because my calories were in range.  I've been eating crisps (chips) and 1 or 2 chocolate bars per day, most days.  It's the same as my old, pre-banded pattern, that I would get treats for myself and save them til I was in bed watching tv in the evening and then eat them because they make me feel good.  I feel crap admitting this, but I want to be accountable.  I think one of the problems I'm facing with this, is that at the moment, I'm still losing consistently and I'm eating comforting sugary food.  This seems like a win/win.  But I went to sleep last night feeling like something was wrong, and I know that I want to be healthy, not just thin.  And these foods aren't good for our health, it's not just about our waistlines.  So, although I'm very happy allowing myself a square or two of dark chocolate each day, I don't want to be gorging myself on low quality junk every day.  Any advice or similar problems??

It's been a strange week, I don't know if I'm ill, or just adjusting to all the changes in my body that have been happening lately, but I've been mostly asleep for the past 3 days.  I usually suffer from chronic insomnia, so if I get sleepy, no matter what time it is, I try and take advantage of it because I clearly need to catch up on sleep. But it makes me feel weird.  Only one more week until I'm off from uni for a month over Christmas!  Just need to get through the shitload of work I have to do in the next 8 days.

Love you all xxxxxxxx