http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCjALaD-K2Q - Beyonce, If I were a Boy. x
I just wanted to do a quick post about Beyonce, the real one, not the one round my stomach. The reason I named my band Beyonce is because I had recently fallen in love with her after watching all the footage of her from Glastonbury (which I have never been to, but would love to!). She is fierce and beautiful and inspiring and an amazing example of modern feminism and seems to be incredibly driven, moral and good. On top of this she has the most incredible voice. Well, for a little while, I hadn't exactly forgotten why I loved her, but I wasn't really listening to her music (some of the up tempo ones aren't really my favoured style of music) and just wasn't paying her the attention she deserves. Until this Saturday that is when there was an hour long 'Evening with Beyonce' on tv where she sang some of her songs and answered some questions from the audience etc. I turned the tv on and within about 3 minutes I was sobbing and I pretty much didn't stop crying until the show was over. Now what was it about her that turned me into a snotty mascara stained hysterical mess. I'm really not exaggerating when I say that I cried for the whole hour. I think it's because I look at her and I see the distance between where I am and where she is. I see her confidence and her talent and I want it. It's not even about her phenomenal looks, but more about her freedom, and courage and her fitness. I want to be able to move like her, to dance without fear of judgement. The passion in her face when she dances and sings, she's telling a story. I think the singing thing is the main thing that makes me so emotional though. I have wanted to be a singer for a long time (with a few spells of wanting to act, write, direct etc) and many people have told me that I have a brilliant voice. But I can't believe them. I don't believe I'm good enough. I know I don't sound awful, but I definitely haven't found my own singing personality, I really would like to be an interesting singer (I'm inspired by Joni Mitchell, Adele, Florence etc), not just someone who can belt out perfect notes. And yet I can't seem to get away from the need for the perfection and instead focus on passion. Anytime I'm at my piano when I go home, or go to the piano rooms on campus, I am so critical of myself that I sometimes forget to enjoy it. I have performed once or twice in public and sometimes in front of my friends, but I have no where near enough self-belief or confidence despite others telling me I have the talent. WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS? Because if I don't end up singing for the rest of my life, then I'm never going to be fulfilling my passion or the one thing I might really be good at. I want the self-belief that Beyonce has. I want to be brave enough to find opportunities to propel myself into a singing career. I probably just sound like I'm whining. But I just feel so inspired by her and so mesmerised and grateful that she exists. I named my band Beyonce because I hope that this will finally be the route to becoming my best self. The version of myself that I don't hate and maybe then the distance between Beyonce and I, won't feel so great.
I've been 1lb up from Friday's weigh in all week. I'm really hoping to be at least 1lb down if not the same weight as last week to help keep morale up over the holiday season. I've got my second fill appointment booked for 21st December, but might have to change it as it means I'll be on mushies for Christmas day which might be a bit too tricky.
Love to all x