I'll be a runner yet...

Drumroll please.......

I just entered my first ever 5k!!!!  It's on 23rd June, 11am - I'm raising money for Cancer Research UK - I am so excited.  Now, let's just cast our minds back to August, I ran for 22 minutes (a mile and a half I think) - half way to a 5k.  I've enlisted the help of a dear friend (she's marrying her long term girlfriend next summer and has asked me to be a bridesmaid!!!) who is a personal trainer - she's going to set me a program and try and workout with me once or twice a week.  She lives an hour away so it's not super convenient, but she can at least set me going.  She said, not only could she help me finish the race, she'd have me running the whole thing with a smile on my face!!  Not only that, but we talked about the possibility of using this as a starting point to lead up to....running a MARATHON April 2014.  Me?  A marathon runner?  I weigh 220lbs, I am a lazy slob (at the moment) - but I WILL beat this hellish disease of obesity.

In other news, I had my first driving lesson on Wednesday!  Was so nervous (I know 24's pretty late to start learning) but it went really well.  The instructor was really friendly and very clear and reassuring.  It was a big deal for me to not only start learning something new, but to put myself in a situation where I'm one on one with a stranger, but I beat my anxiety this time!  I'm hoping to be done with lessons in about 12-14 weeks.  My sister is giving me a car (for free!), though it's only a crap little Nissan Micra, insurance shouldn't be too high on it though as its got a little engine.

Love to all xxx

Avoid This Pity-Party

Because I decided that I was going to commit to blogging and being honest and weighing in every Monday and posting the results - I weighed in this morning.  I was met with a 1.8lb gain.
Things I've been doing this week to warrant this (it's not like it's a surprise) -
Not exercising; not going for my daily walks as planned; not wearing my shiny new pedometer; not tracking my calories or even food journalling for that matter; binging; eating sweets, chocolate, crisps, cakes and biscuits pretty much daily (that's all those things everyday for those of you who thought maybe it wasn't that bad); feeling sorry for myself; crying; avoiding the world; feeling distant from my boyfriend; feeling very very angry and hateful towards myself.

Now this might all just sound like a big load of self pitying puke - but it has a purpose.  By identifying everything I'm doing wrong, I should be able to make it right.  I have deja vu right now.  I don't want to be so negative and I don't want to keep gaining weight, but I just can't seem to stop.  I feel like I have no self control, my band does its job, but I just wait til there's space and carry on eating.

If you made it this far without immediately closing your browser, sickened by the ego-centric self-pitying drivel, then I admire you and wondered if you had any advice for a very lost little bandster.

xxx

Ten Things Thursday

Thanks lovely Mama Laura Belle x

1. I have been a slug today.  Worse than a slug, a sloth or a mollusc.  I often feel like a pathetic little mollusc, not worth a thing.  How sad.  
2. Thursday night is Boy's Night in our flat, Ben has 3 best male friends who are wonderful, gorgeous sweethearts and I love having them round.  Unfortunately, because I feel sluglike, I will mostly be hiding away in my bedroom studying and eating chocolate.
3. My attendance at uni has been despicable.  I find the seminar setting too much for my anxiety, I hate it, I feel claustrophobic and like I can't leave if I need to.  And because I feel so anxious, I can't concentrate and don't learn anything making me feel frustrated and stupid.  It also feels like a waste of my time when I could instead be in the library reading and actually making progress.  However, tomorrow is my last ever lecture and seminar and I WILL ATTEND!
4. I'm going to a screening of Casablanca in London tomorrow in a fab 40s themed cafe/bar where we have to dress up and join in and sing and hopefully drink cocktails.  I'm going with a couple of my uni friends that I don't see anything near enough of, they're fun, high energy, very tall and gorgeous.  I tend to feel like a very fat micro pig around them.  But it's such a waste of time thinking like that so I'm going to focus on what I'm sure will be a wonderful night.  I was in a outfit quandary not having time, energy or funds to shop, so although not fully in fitting with the theme, I'll be wearing a blue dress with white polka dots and a heart shaped cut out at the back, with a black blazer and (low) heels (can't walk in high and my fat feet like horrid in them).  I'll try and remember to take photos when we're there.
5. I've never been a heavy smoker, the most I probably smoked was in my first year at uni when I found it a great social gateway, I probably smoked about 10 on an average day.  In more recent years I'd gone down to only smoking about three days a week, 4-5 cigarettes a day.  Anyway, I had never, since a started smoking as a teenager, made the decision to quit.  I felt I was a social smoker rather than a proper smoker, I like it, it made me feel rebellious and antisocial which got me through moments of anxiety by keeping people away from me (I don't think it really did that, it was psychological).  So, I decided to quit on 26th Jan, had my last one that night during Ben's birthday party...And I haven't had one since.  So we're getting on for two months.  I rarely miss it, I don't even like smelling it any more.  I decided not to replace it with an electronic cigarette and I am smoke free. It's funny how I can stick to this so easily, seeing as according to the world, tobacco is more addictive than sugar, yet I can't give up sugar...
6. I'm not happy with my gym.  I signed up for a year because it meant the cheapest monthly rate.  That was only three months ago.  The equipment is fine and there's enough of it despite it being a very small gym, that's not the problem.  The problem is that it's an intimidating, male dominated environment.  I think the manager (or one of) is a woman, but most of the staff are laddish young men in their late teens or early twenties and clearly use it as a social place as well as one of work.  They all stand in reception and chat.  Rarely does anyone greet you or say goodbye, I feel judged for being female and fat (though I expect that's in my head).  On top of this, the lockers are kept down in the changing rooms in an area that regularly floods (there's a sign on the wall saying this is unavoidable) and each time I've been, there have been fewer and fewer lockers with keys, just empty unsecured ones - the last time I went there wasn't a single key.  I'd come from the library (as will be my normal schedule for the next 2 months) and had my laptop with me, my purse etc - there was no way I was leaving them while I worked out.  So I couldn't work out, I had to go home.  Furthermore, they don't have a website or email address so my only options to discuss my complaints and potential early ending of my year long contract, is face to face or over the phone.  Now with my anxiety, I just have no idea how I'm going to do this.  I only feel comfortable talking to the woman (I saw her once and she dealt with my membership when I joined and I think she's the manager or owner) but I can't guarantee she'll be there, and even if she was I don't know if I'd be able to pluck up the courage to speak to her.  Tell me what to do darling bloggers?!  I want to work out!
7. I'm terrified of the amount of work I have to do between now and the end of my degree...
8. I'm in such a fight with myself about food.  I don't want to eat shit any more, I don't want to feel heavy and bloated and (ahem) farty and gross and keep gaining weight.  And yet, I clearly want or maybe need to eat all the time, awful food, eating all day long with pauses to let the food go down.  So how do I get the first one to win instead of the latter all the fucking time.
9. Turns out, I really like blogging, shame I didn't blog for so many months.
10. I love all of you, love your support, love your stories, I feel so inspired by the runners, the fighters, the honest accounts of slip ups, fuck up and misery.  It helps us all in different ways.  x

Soup and Drills

According to my pedometer, I took 14628 steps yesterday which equates to 10.5km (over 6 miles) and 656 calories burnt!  It was the second day of setting my alarm for 8am (early for me!  Don't judge!) and going for a walk.  I walked for about 80 minutes before I had to head to an appointment with the the dentist.  I had to have FOUR fillings, do you know how much drilling that takes!!  Dreadful - I was blessed with fairly nice looking teeth, I never needed braces or anything, but I also inherited terrible dental health from both parents and am prone to problems.  Plus it doesn't help that I hadn't been to the dentist for 2 years!  My poor face felt all weird and numb for about three hours from the anaesthetic (administered by a big fat needle into the roof of my mouth!)  The silver lining of it all however, was that I made some delicious carrot and sweet potato soup, the leftovers of which I'll have today.  I know we're told not to have soup but I usually fell fairly satiated for a good few hours on a big bowl of soup.

We went out last night to a comedy club venue where Ben and others from the region (he's a supervisor in a supermarket) put on acts to raise money for Comic Relief (a big charity fundraiser that is on every year in the UK - I think the total raised was about £70 million).  It was all a bit cringe worthy and led to me drinking a couple of large bottles of fruity cider and then giving in to chocolate on the way home, but it was nice to get out and do something a bit different.  I've been spending so much time with my head in books lately as I try and finish my degree.  I'm not mad at myself about the indulgence because I'm just taking it easy at the moment with my food, choosing instead to focus on movement and exercise.  My eating disorder is such a psychological problem that the more I try and battle it through diet alone, the more twisted and knotted it gets in my head.  At least exercise is more straight forward - though still requires motivation, an internal battle with laziness (to which I am shamefully prone) and an organization of my time.  I'm hoping that I can gradually increase my exercise and fitness levels and have this in turn motivate me to improve my diet.

I'm very happy to be blogging again, I love reading all your blogs, I get such a wonderful feeling of solidarity from your all.  Love xxx

The Ugly Truth

I'm not going to dwell on it - but...my official first Monday weigh in revealed:
Weight 221lbs
Total gain since September = 24lbs.
Well shit and bollocks.  That is a LOT to have gained back, my BMI's back up to 39, my jeans don't fit and it's all stupid rubbish shittywankballs.

BUT(t)!  I did great today, ate well (close but with a few adjustments to what I had planned) and I did half an hour of exercise.  Not at the gym as planned because I arrived there and hadn't brought my sports bra or my headphones.  The gym was packed and I just couldn't face it - but I didn't let it derail me and worked out as soon as I got home. Pat on back!

Happy to be back blogging xxx

Move Monday

Thank you for the warm welcome back dearest bloggy friends.  Would you believe it, this is my 100th post!!
I've been blogging for over 18 months (with the occasional hiatus, ahem...), nevertheless it has been a wonderful thing sharing journeys and stories and struggles.

So my first pledge in getting on track is to move more.  From tomorrow I will be wearing my pedometer every day trying to clock as many steps as possible by generally taking opportunities to move as well as going for brisk, purposeful walks.  Plus, to let off steam, to raise my energy levels, to raise my serotonin levels (lord knows my depression needs it!), to increase my fitness and to decrease my big fatty fatness, I will be going to the gym as often as possible (aiming for 4x a week).

I also want to get consistent with when I wake up.  Because my schedule is very flexible (despite having a LOT of work to do for my degree), combined with my not being a morning person, means I struggle to get up in the morning.  On top of this, all three of my 'mental health meds' cause drowsiness.  But I've started sleeping in later and later and it affects my mood, my work and my energy.  So my aim now is to set my alarm for 8am and be up, showered, dressed and breakfasted by 9am (obviously it takes us some time to eat brekkie) so that I can get on with my day which will be made up of studying and exercising!

Tomorrow - 18th March

• 8am alarm
• Breakfast - porridge with skinny milk and raisins
• Walk - 1hr
• Lunch - leftover pulled pork with some salad
• Study at the library 1-6pm - (snack: roasted edamame beans, apple)
• Gym - 30 mins walk/jog on the treadmill (would love to be 50/50); 30 mins random setting on recumbent bike - Level 7; weights - all areas including 60 crunches, 30 squats, 30 lunges.
• Dinner - chicken, carrots, peas, sweetcorn, sweet potato mash, yoghurt.
• Aim to be in bed by 11pm

Wish me luck! I've got to start taking forward steps! x

YooHooo

My sweet jellybeans, I have been MIA for so so long now.  But today, after 4 months, we finally have internet installed in our flat!  I didn't read any blogs between mid November and mid Feb but I'm now as caught up as I can be, I miss you all.  Amazing things have happened since I've been away - Laura Belle's having a little one!  Ronnie and Andrea are engaged!  So exciting.  I've also seen a drop in bandsters blogging (including me of course!), but I know and hope everyone knows, that you can come back any time.

Now for the bad...I was down 50lbs, I'm now only down 28lbs.  I've gained back 22lbs and I HATE it.  I feel so so angry with myself and so frustrated and terrified that despite having surgery, I'm going to fail.  I'm 17 months out from surgery and I'm still in the same headfuck food addict's mess.  I have tried everything.  I recently started going to Food Addict's Anonymous and attempted to completely give up sugar, flour and wheat, I lasted about a week.  Then back to the cycle.  The band is doing its job, I'm at a good restriction level, and when I eat the correct portions of good high protein bandster food, I'm kept in check.  But, alas, the old adage, sliders go down oh so easy.  My binge foods (chocolate, sweets, biscuits and crisps) all go down and I eat them in binge quantities every day.  I feel sick.  I feel so fat and thick and weary.  I haven't been exercising.  I have been crying, desperate.  I've got two very very tough, work packed months til I finish my degree, I am all over the place - always been bonkers, but I reckon its only going to get crazier while I write the 33,000/8weeks that'll get me my degree.

But...I WILL NOT GIVE UP - EVER.  So no matter what I say, I will never give up.  I can't stay fat and I can't remain in a state of hopeless food addiction that provides so much noise in my head leaving little room for anything more interesting and important.

I am going to start blogging again, commenting, reading to keep focussed.  I am going to focus on high protein, high fibre, low sugar.  I think these three things are the way to good health.  Everyone who is successful with the band and with weight loss, consistently exercises.  I want to be that person.  So I am going to commit right now and book my first 5k.  I have a gym membership, I just bought a brilliant new Omron pedometer (the two days I've worn it I averaged 8,000 steps without trying, so I'm aiming for 10,000 minimum every day).  I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel good about my body and I really want to be fit and healthy.

I'm also going to make a short term goal:  I graduate on 17th July.  Between now and then, I want to lose 30lbs.  It's a stretch goal, but I've got to get the scale moving down again and by having a goal to work towards I hope to motivate myself with weekly weigh ins (how frickin long has it been!)
Graduation Goal - 189lbs - coming to get ya!

And here's a picture of Ben and I in case you forgot what I looked like xxx