Thanks lovely Mama Laura Belle x
- I have been a slug today. Worse than a slug, a sloth or a mollusc. I often feel like a pathetic little mollusc, not worth a thing. How sad.
- Thursday night is Boy's Night in our flat, Ben has 3 best male friends who are wonderful, gorgeous sweethearts and I love having them round. Unfortunately, because I feel sluglike, I will mostly be hiding away in my bedroom studying
and eating chocolate.
- My attendance at uni has been despicable. I find the seminar setting too much for my anxiety, I hate it, I feel claustrophobic and like I can't leave if I need to. And because I feel so anxious, I can't concentrate and don't learn anything making me feel frustrated and stupid. It also feels like a waste of my time when I could instead be in the library reading and actually making progress. However, tomorrow is my last ever lecture and seminar and I WILL ATTEND!
- I'm going to a screening of Casablanca in London tomorrow in a fab 40s themed cafe/bar where we have to dress up and join in and sing and hopefully drink cocktails. I'm going with a couple of my uni friends that I don't see anything near enough of, they're fun, high energy, very tall and gorgeous. I tend to feel like a very fat micro pig around them. But it's such a waste of time thinking like that so I'm going to focus on what I'm sure will be a wonderful night. I was in a outfit quandary not having time, energy or funds to shop, so although not fully in fitting with the theme, I'll be wearing a blue dress with white polka dots and a heart shaped cut out at the back, with a black blazer and (low) heels (can't walk in high and my fat feet like horrid in them). I'll try and remember to take photos when we're there.
- I've never been a heavy smoker, the most I probably smoked was in my first year at uni when I found it a great social gateway, I probably smoked about 10 on an average day. In more recent years I'd gone down to only smoking about three days a week, 4-5 cigarettes a day. Anyway, I had never, since a started smoking as a teenager, made the decision to quit. I felt I was a social smoker rather than a proper smoker, I like it, it made me feel rebellious and antisocial which got me through moments of anxiety by keeping people away from me (I don't think it really did that, it was psychological). So, I decided to quit on 26th Jan, had my last one that night during Ben's birthday party...And I haven't had one since. So we're getting on for two months. I rarely miss it, I don't even like smelling it any more. I decided not to replace it with an electronic cigarette and I am smoke free. It's funny how I can stick to this so easily, seeing as according to the world, tobacco is more addictive than sugar, yet I can't give up sugar...
- I'm not happy with my gym. I signed up for a year because it meant the cheapest monthly rate. That was only three months ago. The equipment is fine and there's enough of it despite it being a very small gym, that's not the problem. The problem is that it's an intimidating, male dominated environment. I think the manager (or one of) is a woman, but most of the staff are laddish young men in their late teens or early twenties and clearly use it as a social place as well as one of work. They all stand in reception and chat. Rarely does anyone greet you or say goodbye, I feel judged for being female and fat (though I expect that's in my head). On top of this, the lockers are kept down in the changing rooms in an area that regularly floods (there's a sign on the wall saying this is unavoidable) and each time I've been, there have been fewer and fewer lockers with keys, just empty unsecured ones - the last time I went there wasn't a single key. I'd come from the library (as will be my normal schedule for the next 2 months) and had my laptop with me, my purse etc - there was no way I was leaving them while I worked out. So I couldn't work out, I had to go home. Furthermore, they don't have a website or email address so my only options to discuss my complaints and potential early ending of my year long contract, is face to face or over the phone. Now with my anxiety, I just have no idea how I'm going to do this. I only feel comfortable talking to the woman (I saw her once and she dealt with my membership when I joined and I think she's the manager or owner) but I can't guarantee she'll be there, and even if she was I don't know if I'd be able to pluck up the courage to speak to her. Tell me what to do darling bloggers?! I want to work out!
- I'm terrified of the amount of work I have to do between now and the end of my degree...
- I'm in such a fight with myself about food. I don't want to eat shit any more, I don't want to feel heavy and bloated and (ahem) farty and gross and keep gaining weight. And yet, I clearly want or maybe need to eat all the time, awful food, eating all day long with pauses to let the food go down. So how do I get the first one to win instead of the latter all the fucking time.
- Turns out, I really like blogging, shame I didn't blog for so many months.
- I love all of you, love your support, love your stories, I feel so inspired by the runners, the fighters, the honest accounts of slip ups, fuck up and misery. It helps us all in different ways. x