My sweet jellybeans, I have been MIA for so so long now. But today, after 4 months, we finally have internet installed in our flat! I didn't read any blogs between mid November and mid Feb but I'm now as caught up as I can be, I miss you all. Amazing things have happened since I've been away - Laura Belle's having a little one! Ronnie and Andrea are engaged! So exciting. I've also seen a drop in bandsters blogging (including me of course!), but I know and hope everyone knows, that you can come back any time.
Now for the bad...I was down 50lbs, I'm now only down 28lbs. I've gained back 22lbs and I HATE it. I feel so so angry with myself and so frustrated and terrified that despite having surgery, I'm going to fail. I'm 17 months out from surgery and I'm still in the same headfuck food addict's mess. I have tried everything. I recently started going to Food Addict's Anonymous and attempted to completely give up sugar, flour and wheat, I lasted about a week. Then back to the cycle. The band is doing its job, I'm at a good restriction level, and when I eat the correct portions of good high protein bandster food, I'm kept in check. But, alas, the old adage, sliders go down oh so easy. My binge foods (chocolate, sweets, biscuits and crisps) all go down and I eat them in binge quantities every day. I feel sick. I feel so fat and thick and weary. I haven't been exercising. I have been crying, desperate. I've got two very very tough, work packed months til I finish my degree, I am all over the place - always been bonkers, but I reckon its only going to get crazier while I write the 33,000/8weeks that'll get me my degree.
But...I WILL NOT GIVE UP - EVER. So no matter what I say, I will never give up. I can't stay fat and I can't remain in a state of hopeless food addiction that provides so much noise in my head leaving little room for anything more interesting and important.
I am going to start blogging again, commenting, reading to keep focussed. I am going to focus on high protein, high fibre, low sugar. I think these three things are the way to good health. Everyone who is successful with the band and with weight loss, consistently exercises. I want to be that person. So I am going to commit right now and book my first 5k. I have a gym membership, I just bought a brilliant new Omron pedometer (the two days I've worn it I averaged 8,000 steps without trying, so I'm aiming for 10,000 minimum every day). I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel good about my body and I really want to be fit and healthy.
I'm also going to make a short term goal: I graduate on 17th July. Between now and then, I want to lose 30lbs. It's a stretch goal, but I've got to get the scale moving down again and by having a goal to work towards I hope to motivate myself with weekly weigh ins (how frickin long has it been!)
Graduation Goal - 189lbs - coming to get ya!
And here's a picture of Ben and I in case you forgot what I looked like xxx