Monday 30 July 2012


That's where I'm headed!  So after the horror of last Monday's unmentionable gain (!!!) I have now weighed in a week later to a much kinder number.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Weight a fortnight ago: 14st8.2lbs (204.2lbs)
Current Weight: 14st7lbs (203lbs)
Loss: 1.2lbs
Total Loss: 44lbs.

Only 10lbs to go until I reach half way.  I'm going to get there, no matter what.  I've been working out, did a Zumba dvd - was hilarious!  I was flailing around in hysterics because I kept getting the moves wrong or tripping over the rug or having to pause it because the plumber was calling me.  Thank goodness no one was there to witness my calamitous attempt to boogie.  But I got a good sweat on for 50 minutes and was in a really good mood afterwards!  Must make it to a class soon so I can flail around with other sweaty people with mirrors everywhere so we can all see each other humiliate ourselves!

Thursday 26 July 2012

Sleepy head

I'm writing this whilst wrapped up in my pink and white striped fluffy dressing gown, it's 9.15am, and I am sleepy!  After a night of dreams in which someone was trying to kill me over and over again, I don't think I got all that much rest.  As you can see I missed posting about my weekly weigh in on Monday.  This is because it was not nice.  We went away for the weekend to stay with Ben's family and it was just really hard to stay on track and then I lost focussed and stopped thinking about what I was doing.  I had a doughnut for God's sake!  We did have a lovely weekend though, we've decided to move back to where all our friends and family are, we're a couple of towns over at the moment so it takes about an hour to see anyone.  So come September we'll be back with all our loved ones!
So back to the weigh in...I didn't drink anywhere near enough water, I had salty chips, and I got awful sunburn.  So weigh in on Monday had me back up to 207.something and I felt totally deflated.  I weighed yesterday and was down to 204.something so hopefully next Monday's weigh in will show a new low number.  I've been struggling to get my head straight the last couple of days, but I'm not going to let the scale control my actions and I'm gonna get back in the game!
I have another post brewing, I've got a lot of family shit going on - but I'll save it for another day.  In the meantime, I dreamt about some of my bloggy friends the other night!!  Rachel, our gorgeous Parisian skinnyfish, Reggie, JRD, VickyD - they were all in my dream, we were all having lunch in a pretty garden in a stranger's house.  Weird!  But lovely because it made me feel a little but closer to you all!
Love x

Tuesday 17 July 2012

Anxiety and Exercise

I've just read our darling Drazil's post about her anxiety and recent panic attack, I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about mine a little bit.  It's not always easy to explain the anxiety, in no small part because so much of it is terribly irrational.

My anxiety makes every day difficult.  It makes everyday tasks difficult.  It makes living my life difficult.  By the end of my degree this time next year, I will have spent 5 years and 2 gap years to get through a 3 year degree.  It is so hard for me to go to my classes.  I can usually manage the lectures where there are lots of people and no one's looking at you or expecting anything of you, but the seminars made up of about 15 people are almost impossible for me.  They're also compulsory.

My anxiety makes it nearly impossible to get and/or keep a job.  I have to overcome so much to even apply for a job, I certainly couldn't make a phone call to a potential employer.  Then to get to an interview usually takes more than I have.  I have had jobs, several since I was 18, a moment of extreme boldness has got them for me, but rarely have I been able to keep them for more than a few months.  Usually I spent lunch breaks crying, chain smoking, desperately calling my mum begging for help.  The last job I had was at the end of 2010, I went on a break one day and just couldn't make myself go back in.  My legs just wouldn't carry me back in there.  Instead I found myself at the bus stop, then on the bus, then in my bed where I stayed for three days crying.  This terrifies me.  If I can't overcome this, how the hell am I going to make money, how am I going to live.  I can only just get by at the moment with my student loan and help from my mum.

I could let my anxiety get in the way of my workouts.  There are some days where I just can't leave the house.  I just sometimes don't have the courage.  I spend a lot of time on my sofa.  My gym is only a 15 minute walk away, but it sometimes feels too much to get there, stay there, and get back.  Too many people to encounter, what if I suddenly freak out or have a panic attack in front of everyone.  It's horrible to be confined to my flat, but if I'm going to be, I'm still going to get my workout in.  I do step aerobics at home, I do a resistance routine of squats and crunches and lunges and bicep curls etc, I do Jillian, I jog on the spot.  I've just borrowed some more exercise dvds from my sister, including Zumba ones.  Good to have the variety.

So today, despite it being a day where I couldn't make it to the gym, I did 60 very sweaty minutes of cardio and strength and was very proud of myself.  I'm not going to let my anxiety prevent my mission for fitness, because honestly, fitness is what I want most out of all of this.  I remember before surgery, I was so much less mobile than I'd ever been in my life.  I was 23, and couldn't walk without stabbing pains in my legs.  So mobility, freedom to move is my mission. x

Monday 16 July 2012

Still raining...

Monday - I don't always know what day it is, you know.  I have no schedule now that uni's out for summer. I weighed in this morning after a week of two halves.  Started really well but then I had a friend to stay for a couple of days (she doesn't know about the band) and it was a little harder to stick to my usual food/exercise routine and then, I don't know why but I had a little binge on Saturday, it came out of nowhere and was very sudden - but luckily it didn't derail me for the rest of the day.  It didn't lead to more binging or deprivation to make up for it which is the cycle I'm learning to refuse.  And so, I was definitely pleased with this week's weigh in.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Last Week's Weight: 14st9.6lbs (205.6lbs)
Current Weight: 14st8.2lbs (204.2lbs)
This Week's Loss: 1.4lbs
Total loss: 43lbs

Down to new territory for the second week in a row - it's been a while.  I'm happy about this and for the first time in a while I believe that I'll keep going down.  I've been working out and eating well, though could do with upping my protein.

My darling boyfriend is struggling a bit at the moment with some confidence issues, it's heart breaking to see him cry and be so hard on himself - all I can do is give him my all, be his support and help him with whatever he needs.  I love him so much, he is the kindest, sweetest man I've ever met.  I came home last week to a huge bunch of red roses, nearly cried!

Love you all, hopefully I won't get swept away in the rain and will post again soon. x

Monday 9 July 2012

Weigh In!!

Yahoooooooooooooo!  I finally lost some weight!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Weight Last Week: 14st13.4lbs (209.4lbs)
Current Weight: 14st9.6lbs (205.6lbs)
This Week's Loss: 3.8lbs!!
Total Loss: 3st (42lbs).

Lots of numbers there!  But I lost 3.8lbs this week and I finally hit 3st lost.  It's so wonderful seeing a new number on the scale and I am determined to keep going down!

Next stop - onederland!!

Saturday 7 July 2012

I'm just a teensy bit excited!

For 2 reasons :

  1. Federer/Murray Wimbledon final tomorrow - CAN'T WAIT - did I mention I LOVE tennis.  Sorry for the lack of patriotism, but I want Federer to win!
  2. I may have had a little sneaky peek at the scale and it's looking goooood!  Somewhere in the midst of my desperation and despair I found my motivation again and I'm utilising it!  I've been working out and tracking - I saw a new low on the scale and I'm just hoping it sticks for my weigh in on Monday morning.
I haven't been commenting quite as much as I would like - but I've been reading.  Can I just say - how fabulous does JRD look in her red capris!!?  Wish I had a pair.  I did buy a gorgeous new grey/brown leopard print dress made of lovely sheer layers with a cross back.  I'll get the boy to take a picture.  Must put more pics on the blog.

Love you all - have a great weekend x

Wednesday 4 July 2012

Rainy Days

From what I hear in blogland it's pretty baking hot in the States - no such luck here - it's been raining for 2 days, grim.  Despite that I have been exercising, improved my 10k on the stationary bike at the gym by 2.5 minutes taking it down to 34.44 - how does that compare?  I've also started tracking again.  I know it's not bloody rocket science, but Kristin's comment, just asking if I was tracking, made me think - just do it already.  I stopped because I got fed up of typing in all the crap I've been eating and seeing the numbers add up.  So to fix the problem, instead of not tracking, I thought maybe I'd not eat all the crap and go back to planning and tracking 1200 cals a day.  So simple.  Such a mental game.  I did good today, have been feeling pretty miserable today and didn't have much to do so was bored as well.  I really wanted to EAT all the sweet things I could find.  But I didn't, I had a big cup of tea and watched The Notebook to get some tears out.

On to more important matters - we have a wonderful new blogger in our midst!!  Please stop over at her blog - - Theresa is getting banded TOMORROW!!  She could really do with some BOOBs love and support just like we all did when we started.

Big love and Happy 4th July to all of you x