Betty Boo!

I get to see my beautiful niece, Betty, today!  She was adopted by my mum's second cousins who live in the Midlands, in December and I've seen her once since then at the beginning of March.  I miss her every day.  However, I know she's in a wonderful environment and she's so loved and it's better than anything my sister could have offered her.  In terms of stability, safety, opportunity etc.  After I visited her in March, I just found myself at peace with the whole situation.  It had been agony, but seeing what a wonderful place she lives in (a farm, converted barn, sheep, pigs, dogs, quiet and beautiful village, with her new Italian grandparents living in an annexe of the house, and three big siblings (in their late teens/twenties) to love her and dote on her.  I am just so happy she wasn't adopted out of the family and into a situation that meant we'd never see her again.  My sister fucked up, and to some degree I'll never forgive her.  But on the other hand, her mental illness is a bitch and she suffers every day.
Anyway, I can't wait to see that gorgeous girl today - she turned one two weeks ago and she's crawling and doing all sorts of new things I can't wait to see.  Very excited.
Thank you for your lovely comments on my previous post - love xxx

And Back to the Surface I Ascend!!

My gorgeous jellybeans, how I've missed you!  How I've missed rest, watching TV, seeing friends, doing anything other than furiously reading and writing essays in the darkened cubicles of the library alongside hundreds of other desperate, feverishly studying peers!  But I can officially announce...

I FINISHED MY DEGREE!!!!!!!

Ok, so this is a big deal.  It has taken me two gap years and five years studying (for a degree that should have taken three years), several house moves, a suicide attempt, abusive relationships, bereavement, oh my god and so much more.  My niece being adopted last December and losing my dear friend, Zac in November were the worst things I have ever experienced (and I'd already been through so horrifying shit), but I made it, I did it.  I don't want to dwell on everything that's happened over the last seven years, I don't want to come across as a victim.  But I just need to put this achievement into perspective.  There were so many times I never thought I'd finish.  And I can't quite believe I made it.  I wrote 30,000 heavily researched words in the past two months and I can BREATHE for the first time in weeks and weeks.
I finished on Monday and went up to uni (5 hour round trip) to hand in the final essay.  It was so unceremonious, you just plonk the essay in a basket marked 'All Undergraduate Essays', no fanfare, no medal, nothing!  Ha!  But then, when I got home, exhausted and emotional, my incredible boyfriend had put congratulations decorations up, balloons, my favourite flowers (yellow roses), chocolates (naughty!), champagne - AND - he'd cleaned the whole flat top to bottom.  He then proceeded to take me out to dinner at a great tapas place nearby, and then for cocktails.  I didn't expect any of it and was just bowled over - damn, I love that man!
So since Monday, Ben's sister had a little girl, Lily to add to her little brood of two boys.  I consider those kids my nephews and niece and I love them with all my heart.  I went to the hospital with the boys and Ben's mum just 4 hours after she'd been born - such a gorgeous little one!
On Thursday I passed my driving theory test with 96%, very happy about that!  My bestie took me out for cocktails that afternoon to celebrate that and finishing my degree.
I've been applying to jobs and have had interest back from a recruitment agency that want to hire me on a temp basis to start with whilst looking for a full time job for me.  It's incredible that I'm making this progress and taking these steps with my anxiety disorder.  I think necessity is boosting me.  I know I may not always be able to function like someone with good mental health, but I don't ever want to use it as an excuse to just laze around and not try.  I have to try.  I don't want to have to live off the government when I am capable of working with perhaps just some adjustments to help me overcome my anxiety in unfamiliar situations and with new people.  I just need a little more help.
So, on to band news.  I had a fill 10 days ago of 0.2mls so that's just 0.05 less than my highest fill level that I got taken out in January.  Immediately I feel more in control, I can't eat bread or pasta or pizza any more and I have to be really careful taking tiny bites and leaving ample time between them.  I've been avoiding binge foods (apart from divulging in all those celebratory chocolates, a few crisps - that's chips for you stateside, and the cocktails and champagne - though they're not binge foods for me, but they're still a bit naughty) and haven't had any binge episodes since my fill.  The ugly side of it though, was the weigh in I had at the band appointment...I'll just say it - 231lbs.  I want to be sick.  My lowest was 197lbs and that makes for a total gain of 34lbs since November.  I hate it, I wish it hadn't happened.  The timing of all that misery that began at the end of last year combined with having an unfill that I see now was a terrible mistake - means that it is what it is.  I survived on chocolate chip cookies, chocolate, sweets, cakes - even eating pizza and lots of pasta.  I have to own it.  I will not let myself just blame the traumatic time I experienced and say it's understandable.  Because in life there will be more traumas, more loss, more pain - and I have to find a way to deal with it, get through it somehow, without food.  The only thing food can fix is hunger.  Nothing else.
I've joined our gorgeous Robyn in her quest to get Coke free - I don't drink soda because it gives me hellish shoulder and band pain, (though champagne, gin and tonic, things with much smaller bubbles are ok) - but I really want to avoid sugar where possible.  I'm still having a bit in things like flavoured yoghurts (only one a day at about 70 calories, ain't so bad), but generally I'm avoiding.  I know for certain, and it's taken a long time for me to learn, or rather accept this, that sugar is my demon and it always will be and I have to find a way of not letting it control me and instead learn to leave it.  It adds nothing good to me or my life.  It only takes away good things, happiness, my body, my mind - it takes them all as prisoners.  I've avoided the scale since the fill apart from once, a couple of days ago.  The scale said 228.2lbs, 2.8lbs down in a week.  I'm excited by that - I haven't lost any weight for so long.  Gaining for 6 months is so so demoralising.  And although I hate that I'm so near my starting weight (247lbs), and I have to re-lose so many previously hard earned lbs, I just gotta suck it up, accept the situation, and get losing.
I've got my 5k in just over 5 weeks - I have SO MUCH TRAINING TO DO!  I haven't run in weeks (I completely blame my degree), but if I'm going to complete that race, I've got to get going.  My wonderful personal trainer friend who set me going with my 5k so kindly bought me a heart rate monitor - it plugs into my iphone and records all the data on an app.  I haven't used it yet but I'm really excited to use it to motivate me and track accurate results.  Stay tuned for more on the running...
I've missed you all so much and hope you haven't forgotten me, and I'll hopefully be able to rev up my commenting.  Big love to all xxx

Degree Stress

Hi lovelies, got a bit behind with reading your blogs but all caught up now, sorry for minimal commenting.  I have been wildly busy getting my degree finished.  Still got just over two weeks to go so I expect to be pretty absent til then.  Wish I could be blogging more right now, but just have an insane amount of work to get done.  My first deadline is this Monday when I'll be handing three essays in (that I haven't finished yet!), then one a week for two weeks.
My weight is still upsettingly high, none of my clothes fit, and I'm closer to where I started than I can bear.  However, I got in contact with my band office and have a phone appointment with the dietician on the 1st May, and then on 7th I'm going in for a fill.  I can definitely eat way too much, pizza, pasta, bread, and much too much.  I don't know about hunger because I never leave it long enough between eating to feel it.  So I'm going for a fill, aiming for about 0.2ml, I had 0.25ml taken out about 7 months ago, which coincides with the start of my weight gain, I don't know how I didn't put two and two together - stupid!
I still believe I can do this.  Once my degree is done I'm going to get back to training for my 5k, got a heart rate monitor that connects to my iphone which I'm excited to use.  I will not give up.
Love to you all xxx

Hoarders

Missing some bloggers at the moment - Andrea, Cat, Rachel, Sarah, JRD - thinking of you all - don't know if you're reading, but hope all's well.  LOVE!

It felt really good to get that last post out.  It was good and felt really positive compared to a lot of the negativity of late.  I haven't bought binge foods for the last four days now.  That's not to say I have eaten all that well, still had some things like ice cream and kitkats at home, but the I haven't spent the last 4 evenings surrounded by my chocolate and my sweets in binge quantities like I usually do.  This is a huge achievement. The evenings need to change from binge fests, to relaxation without food.  I am full after dinner, I don't need to eat.  So the habit needs to change.  And so far I'm doing that.
I've got a cold (though it's getting better) so haven't run for 6 days, but hopefully will get back to it tomorrow.

I'm on my eighth hour of learning to drive, it's going well but is stressful and scary (it's all manual/stick shift over here don't forget!)  I'm having about 4 lessons a week.

I realised that in my last post I mentioned that one of the things I like doing is researching and watching programs on hoarding but didn't explain this.  Once my degree is over (less than a month, people!) I plan to set up my own business as a professional organiser/declutterer with a focus on hoarding and life/home organisation.  I am very organised, love cleaning and organising, creating functional systems for the smooth running of home and life.  It's all very exciting.  It's the first time I've really felt motivated and excited about a potential career that is at the same time realistic (compared to previous plans of being a rockstar or A-list actress).  Just thought I'd clear that up in case you thought I was a hoarder (I'm the opposite, in fact).

Must dash.  Love xxx

Epiphany

I have a big post for you - I just free wrote a monologue and I'm not going to edit it, I'm just going to put it out there.  I didn't weigh in this week because the number was just going up.  Today I have done really well stopping, thinking, and asking whether my actions take me towards my goals.  I didn't buy any binge food and so far, apart from a bit of ketchup, haven't had any sugar.  Feeling ok.  So here goes...

"I am always going to have a problem with food.  Accept it.  Whether I’m thin or morbidly obese, food will be my battle.  This does not define me.  It does not mean I am destined to a life of binging and obesity.  I will not be normal when I reach my goal weight, I will not be able to forget everything I’ve learnt and eat like the people around me, it will require constant maintenance.  That’s ok.  That’s my deal in life and I can handle it.  I can handle it.  My size therefore, is not my lot in life.  It is changeable.  It is not who I am.  My obesity does not spell out other personality traits.  Just because I am currently obese, it does not mean that I am greedy or lazy or disgusting or weak.  It does not mean I am worthless or without motivation.  Just like if I was thin it would not mean any of those things.  My personality is separate to my body.  My personality is separate to my size.  My weight does not dictate who I am.  Just because many fat people do not like exercise and would rather sit than move, just because a lot of fat people eat huge amounts, don’t care about their bodies and would never want to run, does not mean I am like that.  It is not their fat that makes them that way, that is their personality.  My personality does not look like my body.  I am very strong.  I have overcome a huge amount in my life and have tackled some trauma that means my life isn’t easy, but I am still here.  I have not given up.  And I will not.  I am strong.  Strong people can lift and move and walk tall and move obstacles out of their way.  I am kind.  I am kind to those around me, I like doing things for people.  I am patient and considerate and gentle and loving to my friends and family.  Some wonderful people want to be around me, and they could choose to be around anyone.  But they want me.  I have a positive influence on their lives.  I instinctively want to help others and make them happy.  I can also, therefore, be kind to myself.  I would never treat anyone the way I treat myself.  I wouldn’t speak to anyone the way I speak to myself and I wouldn’t give up on any one the way I do to myself.  I would never tell anyone they were worthless and that their dreams were unachievable.  I don’t need to say those things to myself anymore.  I can say kind things to myself.  I can act kindly towards myself.  I can behave in a way that makes me truly happy and supports wellness and a good life.  Just like I would do to my loved ones.  I am funny and enthusiastic and with that comes energy.  I don’t always feel energetic, but I have to the capacity and capability to be.  The more fun I have and the more I do, the more that comes.  Enthusiasm leads to positive experiences.  The more of those I look for and embrace the better I’ll feel.  I’m intelligent.  I am close to getting my degree, I can play the piano, I understand Freud and even some Kant (not Derrida though, but who needs to?!)  I’m well read and passionate about literature.  I love reading.  I can figure things out, I can understand what is being explained to me, I know a lot of wonderful vocabulary to describe all the amazing things I see and think.  I’m intelligent and smart people often make smart decisions.  I can make those smart decisions about my life and my happiness.  Just because my body is currently this size, does not mean I don’t like exercise or healthy food, it just means I’ve taken a beating and have had a very negative and depressive attitude that does not serve me anymore.  The behaviours that I have adopted to help me through the trauma in my life are no longer useful, helpful or kind.  I don’t need those behaviours anymore.  I am strong enough to do anything and I don’t need dysfunctional and harmful behaviours to hold me down anymore, I don’t want to be held down.  I have things to do, a wonderful life to create with a fulfilling career and a wonderful family of my own to have.  I got stuff to do and I don’t need any of that pain holding me down anymore.  I can find strength in pain.  I will find the strength.

The second part of this is about want.  What do you naturally want to do?  Ask: do you want to go for a run right now?  No.  Do you want to watch a Gerard Butler film right now?  Yes.  Do you want to watch or read hoarding research?  Yes.  Do you want to do your uni work?  No.  Understanding the immediate and delayed gratification and focussing on the benefits of both, transferring the want, I will begin to make some behavioural changes.

Every time I make a decision I want to and will ask myself:  Does this take you closer to, or further away from your goals?

It’s as simple as that.  You may know the right answer but take the opposite action, but it’s a start.  But for this to work I must figure out my goals.  Goals will take a variety of forms, long term, short time and lifetime.  For now:

Finish my degree and get a 2:1.  This has to come first because of the time limit.  I can and must finish my degree in one month.  I have let my schedule slip but that does not mean all is lost.  I am smart enough to do it.  I am brave enough to do it.  Procrastinating makes me feel sad, lost, angry and pathetic.  Completing a day of studying or an essay makes me feel proud, capable and relieved.  Which would I rather feel?  I love the literature, get excited about figuring it out and enjoy it rather than feeling afraid of it.  This is your last opportunity to get stuck in because in a month it’ll be done and you will have achieved the most amazing thing.  You may even miss it once it’s gone.  You can do this.  You got this. 

Get a hold on my binge eating.  Start eating proper meals when hungry that give me nutrition, energy and satiety.  I would prefer this to eating chocolate for breakfast (leftover from the night before’s binge.)  I would like to feel hunger.  I would like to feel that my digestion is healthy.  I like the way clean eating makes me feel clean inside and clean minded. 

Get fit.  I really want to be able to run the whole 5k at the end of June.  I want to achieve my weekly goal of running 4x a week and increasing my running time a little every session (approximately one extra minute running per session).  I want to continue increasing my fitness, adding weights and resistance to my repertoire and eventually, maybe even in 2014, run a marathon.  The sense of achievement I will get from this will be immense and I would love to know what my body can do and how it will feel when physically fit and looked after."

Love to you all xxx

Run Things Run Day

1. I had my meeting with my personal training friend, R, yesterday.  We went for a run along the seafront in Brighton - 2 mins on, 1 min off x 5; 1 min on, 1 min off x 5 - it was tough, and cold which left me coughing for about half an hour afterwards.  We then spent an hour and a half chatting, I told her about my band, I admitted and wrote down my binges and all the awful eating of the last few months.  I felt really emotional but, for the first time in a while, hopeful.  She was really caring and helpful.
2. We decided to focus on non-food related behaviour changes to start with to give me a chance it success to begin with (food being my biggest obstacle).  So the changes that we worked on:
3. Get up at the same time each day.  I'm not a morning person and my time is very flexible, so I've decided to set my alarm for 9am every day and do my best not to go back to sleep.  Don't judge for the late alarm.  I always feel like shit when I wake up to an alarm, I'd LOVE to naturally wake up by 8am every day...one day perhaps.  
4. Also - for at least 30 mins before bed, to switch off the TV, computer, stop studying and just relax, read a magazine, chill.
5. Every Sunday night I've got to take my resting heart rate and send it to her.  I guess as my cardiovascular health goes up, that number should get better.
6. And in preparation for my 5k in June, I've chosen to run 4 days a week.  I'd rather do more days rather than fewer so it becomes more of a daily habit.  I was achy after running yesterday, but I went for another run today as planned.  Initially I was going to do the same program as yesterday but I didn't want to be looking at my watch every couple of minutes.  Instead I downloaded C25K and did Week 2, Day 1.  I did fine and I was really glad I did it (outside even though there were flakes of snow falling from the sky!) but it was less than planned.  Next run (planned for Saturday), I'm going to do Week 3, Day 1. 
7. Got my second driving lesson tomorrow!  Excited and nervous.
8. I'm still really struggling with my eating and I'm very upset about the gained weight I can see on my body.  But I'm starting to take steps towards a healthier life at least.
9.  This is me after my run before my shower.
10. I'm reading and following lots of new blogs, hi everyone xxx

Late BYOC

For a bit of light relief, I thought I'd join this week's BYOC (thanks darling Draz), I don't even care that it's so late!

1. What's your first reaction when you get really angry?

I don't really know how to deal with anger.  My whole life I've witnessed my mum get into a completely hysterical, apoplectic state during arguments with my step-dad.  From a young age my sister and I had to literally pick her up off the floor where she would have slumped herself, exhausted from screaming her head off in fury.  The arguments never warranted such a reaction, but she would just lose it - she would shoot off into the limbic part of her brain (the little centre where you lose your shit) and not come back until she was exhausted.  I swore I'd never be like her.  I swore I'd never get into that state, because what if I did and could never get back again?  What if one day my children had to pick me up off the floor, a sobbing, hysterical mess.  So I shut down, I turned all my anger inwards.  After my Dad moved to Australia when I was 10, the anger, the grief and the horror of abandonment left me traumatised, angry, ashamed, self-hating and depressed.  But I became nicer and nicer to those around me.  I turned all that anger inwards and the result was 4 years of self-harm that got worse and worse by the day.  I have made peace with the fact my dad left over the past couple of years.  I had it out with him in 2011, and although we've always been close, I had hidden all the anger I felt towards him until then.  Since then I've done my best to not shy away from anger so much, though if I feel angry with a loved one I rarely project it onto them.  I am so afraid of people not liking me or perceiving me badly (because I assume they already do because of my weight), that I keep my anger in.  It doesn't stop me feeling it though.  And I'm pretty sure it's toxic.  I'd really like to work on just processing it normally instead of stuffing it down and inevitably eating it.

2. When is the last time you cried in sadness or in joy?

I am a crier.  I gotta say, I am one weepy little mush bag.  Can't help it.  Adverts, goodbyes, kindness, people achieving things (Oscars, Olympics, singing talent shows) are the worst!  Loving people (sometimes with Ben or my bestie Lizzie I just cry because I love them so much and because they love me.)  Having said that, I can't remember specifically the last time I cried.  It was probably in the last 3 days.

3. If the stars aligned and everything was perfect from your partner to your job and income and everything- how many kids would you choose to have?

Well, I'm not quite at the baby making stage yet, though I go through periods of extreme broodiness!  Ben and I definitely want kids.  I was thinking two, one for each hand, and also I grew up with just my sister whereas Ben has two older sisters so he wants three.  I think it's quite common to want what you grew up with, that's what's familiar to you.  I think I'd be happy to have three in a perfect world.  Realistically I don't know what our lives (and incomes) hold.  We'll see.  I'm thinking the first one in the next 4-5 years.

4. If you won the lottery- what is the first purchase you'd make?

Oh my gosh, I think about winning the lottery all the time.  I would really love to win the lottery, I know it sounds so greedy and superficial, but goodness me it would be wonderful.  There are so many things I'd want to buy, a house, a kitten, a Boxer dog for Ben, rehab for my sister, back surgery for Ben's sister who has a terrible slipped disc situation and has to wait at least two months for her surgery whilst being in agony all the time, a round the world plane ticket, all the things.  But maybe the first thing would be an all day full body massage.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

In blog land, I'm so happy to be blogging again.  I've received so much support from you all lately, particularly for my last post.  It means so so much and makes me feel less alone.  I've been reading every day and would like to be blogging at least once more per week.

In real life, well, the last post speaks for itself in terms of where I'm at mentally with my eating and my weight.  Apart from that I had a busy but lovely Easter weekend.  Spent Saturday at a spa for a friend's hen do (bachelorette party), got a half hour back massage, swam, sat in the (rather violent) jacuzzi.  There was a steam room and sauna too but I had a ton of essay writing to do while I was there so I just lay on a lounger by the (indoor) pool (it's like 0 degrees here) and worked.  Was lovely and relaxing.  Then we went out for Turkish food (hummus, tzatziki, flat bread, chicken, lamb, harissa etc - yum), and then for cocktails in the evening.  On Sunday we spent the morning at my mum's with my sister and her boyfriend, my step-sister, her husband and daughter and my grandparents.  Ben did me a little easter egg hunt in the morning (because they are one of my favourite things!) and then we had another one for my niece in the afternoon.  We then went to Ben's mum's where all his family were including his two nephews, who are 2 and 4.  I adore them, such rascals!!  Then yesterday we went to Ben's dad's for more family, more eating and more eater egg hunts.  Unfortunately I pb'd both days, I get nervous and eat too quickly at family events - stupid really.

Now it's back to reality, I've got a lot of work to do - there's not really going to be any let up for the next 6 weeks until 13th May when I finish my degree!!!

Anyway, love to you all, thank you again for all your kind messages.  I'll let you know how the curfew goes starting tonight xxx

Curfew

The scale said 226lbs when I stood on it this morning which is up 3.2lbs from last week.  I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF.  Nothing seems to stop me gorging on food all day every day.  My band certainly doesn't stop me.  Why must the band allow all sugary junk food to slip through it?  I feel like such a failure.  Nearly 18 months out from surgery, I've now slipped so far backwards that I've only lost about 21lbs and I'm fucking sick and tired of it.  My clothes that I had been wearing are now too small again, my back hurts.  What am I going to do?  Remember when you went into surgery with the fears of 'what if my last resort doesn't work?' - this is what it looks like.  This is what failure looks like.  Fuck.

Sorry, just had to get that out.  I know it's not pleasant to read about other people's self pity and misery.  I wish I could be all light and hope, but I feel hopeless.

I've made the goal to work towards this 5k, I'm meeting my personal trainer friend on Wednesday for a run and for her to give me my training plan.  So right now I'm not doing anything to help my weight go in the right direction, but in two days time I am.  I am doing a good thing for my health starting on Wednesday, so maybe I'm not a failure, maybe I haven't given up?

I need a food goal.  I need to do something to stop the free for all I've pretty much been on for 7 months.  When I joined Food Addicts Anonymous back in February, I was at rock bottom and I lasted without sugar, wheat or flour for one week before a binge caused me to lose my way.  I know sugar is the enemy.  But the trying and failing over the three weeks I tried to follow the FA program made me INSANE - I couldn't study, my moods were extreme, I was horrible to everyone around me.  I am so damaged and mentally unbalanced that I need binging and sugar to live.  I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

I'm going to make a food goal.  From tomorrow, I am going to stop eating at 9pm.  Seeing as my worst binging is at night, after dinner, before bed.  Even if I can't stop binging or eating shit, at least I can try and minimise the time I have to do it.  If I can cut out 2 hours a day (9pm - 11pm when I'll try and go to sleep), then I will in turn be consuming less overall.  By giving myself an eating curfew, I hope to focus a little better on my goals, my reasons for wanting to lose weight etc.  Just something to stop the free for all.  And then on Wednesday, I'll see about adding my 5k training as well.

Sorry again for the melodrama and the misery, one day I'll be better.

I'll be a runner yet...

Drumroll please.......

I just entered my first ever 5k!!!!  It's on 23rd June, 11am - I'm raising money for Cancer Research UK - I am so excited.  Now, let's just cast our minds back to August, I ran for 22 minutes (a mile and a half I think) - half way to a 5k.  I've enlisted the help of a dear friend (she's marrying her long term girlfriend next summer and has asked me to be a bridesmaid!!!) who is a personal trainer - she's going to set me a program and try and workout with me once or twice a week.  She lives an hour away so it's not super convenient, but she can at least set me going.  She said, not only could she help me finish the race, she'd have me running the whole thing with a smile on my face!!  Not only that, but we talked about the possibility of using this as a starting point to lead up to....running a MARATHON April 2014.  Me?  A marathon runner?  I weigh 220lbs, I am a lazy slob (at the moment) - but I WILL beat this hellish disease of obesity.

In other news, I had my first driving lesson on Wednesday!  Was so nervous (I know 24's pretty late to start learning) but it went really well.  The instructor was really friendly and very clear and reassuring.  It was a big deal for me to not only start learning something new, but to put myself in a situation where I'm one on one with a stranger, but I beat my anxiety this time!  I'm hoping to be done with lessons in about 12-14 weeks.  My sister is giving me a car (for free!), though it's only a crap little Nissan Micra, insurance shouldn't be too high on it though as its got a little engine.

Love to all xxx

Avoid This Pity-Party

Because I decided that I was going to commit to blogging and being honest and weighing in every Monday and posting the results - I weighed in this morning.  I was met with a 1.8lb gain.
Things I've been doing this week to warrant this (it's not like it's a surprise) -
Not exercising; not going for my daily walks as planned; not wearing my shiny new pedometer; not tracking my calories or even food journalling for that matter; binging; eating sweets, chocolate, crisps, cakes and biscuits pretty much daily (that's all those things everyday for those of you who thought maybe it wasn't that bad); feeling sorry for myself; crying; avoiding the world; feeling distant from my boyfriend; feeling very very angry and hateful towards myself.

Now this might all just sound like a big load of self pitying puke - but it has a purpose.  By identifying everything I'm doing wrong, I should be able to make it right.  I have deja vu right now.  I don't want to be so negative and I don't want to keep gaining weight, but I just can't seem to stop.  I feel like I have no self control, my band does its job, but I just wait til there's space and carry on eating.

If you made it this far without immediately closing your browser, sickened by the ego-centric self-pitying drivel, then I admire you and wondered if you had any advice for a very lost little bandster.

xxx

Ten Things Thursday

Thanks lovely Mama Laura Belle x

1. I have been a slug today.  Worse than a slug, a sloth or a mollusc.  I often feel like a pathetic little mollusc, not worth a thing.  How sad.  
2. Thursday night is Boy's Night in our flat, Ben has 3 best male friends who are wonderful, gorgeous sweethearts and I love having them round.  Unfortunately, because I feel sluglike, I will mostly be hiding away in my bedroom studying and eating chocolate.
3. My attendance at uni has been despicable.  I find the seminar setting too much for my anxiety, I hate it, I feel claustrophobic and like I can't leave if I need to.  And because I feel so anxious, I can't concentrate and don't learn anything making me feel frustrated and stupid.  It also feels like a waste of my time when I could instead be in the library reading and actually making progress.  However, tomorrow is my last ever lecture and seminar and I WILL ATTEND!
4. I'm going to a screening of Casablanca in London tomorrow in a fab 40s themed cafe/bar where we have to dress up and join in and sing and hopefully drink cocktails.  I'm going with a couple of my uni friends that I don't see anything near enough of, they're fun, high energy, very tall and gorgeous.  I tend to feel like a very fat micro pig around them.  But it's such a waste of time thinking like that so I'm going to focus on what I'm sure will be a wonderful night.  I was in a outfit quandary not having time, energy or funds to shop, so although not fully in fitting with the theme, I'll be wearing a blue dress with white polka dots and a heart shaped cut out at the back, with a black blazer and (low) heels (can't walk in high and my fat feet like horrid in them).  I'll try and remember to take photos when we're there.
5. I've never been a heavy smoker, the most I probably smoked was in my first year at uni when I found it a great social gateway, I probably smoked about 10 on an average day.  In more recent years I'd gone down to only smoking about three days a week, 4-5 cigarettes a day.  Anyway, I had never, since a started smoking as a teenager, made the decision to quit.  I felt I was a social smoker rather than a proper smoker, I like it, it made me feel rebellious and antisocial which got me through moments of anxiety by keeping people away from me (I don't think it really did that, it was psychological).  So, I decided to quit on 26th Jan, had my last one that night during Ben's birthday party...And I haven't had one since.  So we're getting on for two months.  I rarely miss it, I don't even like smelling it any more.  I decided not to replace it with an electronic cigarette and I am smoke free. It's funny how I can stick to this so easily, seeing as according to the world, tobacco is more addictive than sugar, yet I can't give up sugar...
6. I'm not happy with my gym.  I signed up for a year because it meant the cheapest monthly rate.  That was only three months ago.  The equipment is fine and there's enough of it despite it being a very small gym, that's not the problem.  The problem is that it's an intimidating, male dominated environment.  I think the manager (or one of) is a woman, but most of the staff are laddish young men in their late teens or early twenties and clearly use it as a social place as well as one of work.  They all stand in reception and chat.  Rarely does anyone greet you or say goodbye, I feel judged for being female and fat (though I expect that's in my head).  On top of this, the lockers are kept down in the changing rooms in an area that regularly floods (there's a sign on the wall saying this is unavoidable) and each time I've been, there have been fewer and fewer lockers with keys, just empty unsecured ones - the last time I went there wasn't a single key.  I'd come from the library (as will be my normal schedule for the next 2 months) and had my laptop with me, my purse etc - there was no way I was leaving them while I worked out.  So I couldn't work out, I had to go home.  Furthermore, they don't have a website or email address so my only options to discuss my complaints and potential early ending of my year long contract, is face to face or over the phone.  Now with my anxiety, I just have no idea how I'm going to do this.  I only feel comfortable talking to the woman (I saw her once and she dealt with my membership when I joined and I think she's the manager or owner) but I can't guarantee she'll be there, and even if she was I don't know if I'd be able to pluck up the courage to speak to her.  Tell me what to do darling bloggers?!  I want to work out!
7. I'm terrified of the amount of work I have to do between now and the end of my degree...
8. I'm in such a fight with myself about food.  I don't want to eat shit any more, I don't want to feel heavy and bloated and (ahem) farty and gross and keep gaining weight.  And yet, I clearly want or maybe need to eat all the time, awful food, eating all day long with pauses to let the food go down.  So how do I get the first one to win instead of the latter all the fucking time.
9. Turns out, I really like blogging, shame I didn't blog for so many months.
10. I love all of you, love your support, love your stories, I feel so inspired by the runners, the fighters, the honest accounts of slip ups, fuck up and misery.  It helps us all in different ways.  x

Soup and Drills

According to my pedometer, I took 14628 steps yesterday which equates to 10.5km (over 6 miles) and 656 calories burnt!  It was the second day of setting my alarm for 8am (early for me!  Don't judge!) and going for a walk.  I walked for about 80 minutes before I had to head to an appointment with the the dentist.  I had to have FOUR fillings, do you know how much drilling that takes!!  Dreadful - I was blessed with fairly nice looking teeth, I never needed braces or anything, but I also inherited terrible dental health from both parents and am prone to problems.  Plus it doesn't help that I hadn't been to the dentist for 2 years!  My poor face felt all weird and numb for about three hours from the anaesthetic (administered by a big fat needle into the roof of my mouth!)  The silver lining of it all however, was that I made some delicious carrot and sweet potato soup, the leftovers of which I'll have today.  I know we're told not to have soup but I usually fell fairly satiated for a good few hours on a big bowl of soup.

We went out last night to a comedy club venue where Ben and others from the region (he's a supervisor in a supermarket) put on acts to raise money for Comic Relief (a big charity fundraiser that is on every year in the UK - I think the total raised was about £70 million).  It was all a bit cringe worthy and led to me drinking a couple of large bottles of fruity cider and then giving in to chocolate on the way home, but it was nice to get out and do something a bit different.  I've been spending so much time with my head in books lately as I try and finish my degree.  I'm not mad at myself about the indulgence because I'm just taking it easy at the moment with my food, choosing instead to focus on movement and exercise.  My eating disorder is such a psychological problem that the more I try and battle it through diet alone, the more twisted and knotted it gets in my head.  At least exercise is more straight forward - though still requires motivation, an internal battle with laziness (to which I am shamefully prone) and an organization of my time.  I'm hoping that I can gradually increase my exercise and fitness levels and have this in turn motivate me to improve my diet.

I'm very happy to be blogging again, I love reading all your blogs, I get such a wonderful feeling of solidarity from your all.  Love xxx

The Ugly Truth

I'm not going to dwell on it - but...my official first Monday weigh in revealed:
Weight 221lbs
Total gain since September = 24lbs.
Well shit and bollocks.  That is a LOT to have gained back, my BMI's back up to 39, my jeans don't fit and it's all stupid rubbish shittywankballs.

BUT(t)!  I did great today, ate well (close but with a few adjustments to what I had planned) and I did half an hour of exercise.  Not at the gym as planned because I arrived there and hadn't brought my sports bra or my headphones.  The gym was packed and I just couldn't face it - but I didn't let it derail me and worked out as soon as I got home. Pat on back!

Happy to be back blogging xxx

Move Monday

Thank you for the warm welcome back dearest bloggy friends.  Would you believe it, this is my 100th post!!
I've been blogging for over 18 months (with the occasional hiatus, ahem...), nevertheless it has been a wonderful thing sharing journeys and stories and struggles.

So my first pledge in getting on track is to move more.  From tomorrow I will be wearing my pedometer every day trying to clock as many steps as possible by generally taking opportunities to move as well as going for brisk, purposeful walks.  Plus, to let off steam, to raise my energy levels, to raise my serotonin levels (lord knows my depression needs it!), to increase my fitness and to decrease my big fatty fatness, I will be going to the gym as often as possible (aiming for 4x a week).

I also want to get consistent with when I wake up.  Because my schedule is very flexible (despite having a LOT of work to do for my degree), combined with my not being a morning person, means I struggle to get up in the morning.  On top of this, all three of my 'mental health meds' cause drowsiness.  But I've started sleeping in later and later and it affects my mood, my work and my energy.  So my aim now is to set my alarm for 8am and be up, showered, dressed and breakfasted by 9am (obviously it takes us some time to eat brekkie) so that I can get on with my day which will be made up of studying and exercising!

Tomorrow - 18th March

• 8am alarm
• Breakfast - porridge with skinny milk and raisins
• Walk - 1hr
• Lunch - leftover pulled pork with some salad
• Study at the library 1-6pm - (snack: roasted edamame beans, apple)
• Gym - 30 mins walk/jog on the treadmill (would love to be 50/50); 30 mins random setting on recumbent bike - Level 7; weights - all areas including 60 crunches, 30 squats, 30 lunges.
• Dinner - chicken, carrots, peas, sweetcorn, sweet potato mash, yoghurt.
• Aim to be in bed by 11pm

Wish me luck! I've got to start taking forward steps! x

YooHooo

My sweet jellybeans, I have been MIA for so so long now.  But today, after 4 months, we finally have internet installed in our flat!  I didn't read any blogs between mid November and mid Feb but I'm now as caught up as I can be, I miss you all.  Amazing things have happened since I've been away - Laura Belle's having a little one!  Ronnie and Andrea are engaged!  So exciting.  I've also seen a drop in bandsters blogging (including me of course!), but I know and hope everyone knows, that you can come back any time.

Now for the bad...I was down 50lbs, I'm now only down 28lbs.  I've gained back 22lbs and I HATE it.  I feel so so angry with myself and so frustrated and terrified that despite having surgery, I'm going to fail.  I'm 17 months out from surgery and I'm still in the same headfuck food addict's mess.  I have tried everything.  I recently started going to Food Addict's Anonymous and attempted to completely give up sugar, flour and wheat, I lasted about a week.  Then back to the cycle.  The band is doing its job, I'm at a good restriction level, and when I eat the correct portions of good high protein bandster food, I'm kept in check.  But, alas, the old adage, sliders go down oh so easy.  My binge foods (chocolate, sweets, biscuits and crisps) all go down and I eat them in binge quantities every day.  I feel sick.  I feel so fat and thick and weary.  I haven't been exercising.  I have been crying, desperate.  I've got two very very tough, work packed months til I finish my degree, I am all over the place - always been bonkers, but I reckon its only going to get crazier while I write the 33,000/8weeks that'll get me my degree.

But...I WILL NOT GIVE UP - EVER.  So no matter what I say, I will never give up.  I can't stay fat and I can't remain in a state of hopeless food addiction that provides so much noise in my head leaving little room for anything more interesting and important.

I am going to start blogging again, commenting, reading to keep focussed.  I am going to focus on high protein, high fibre, low sugar.  I think these three things are the way to good health.  Everyone who is successful with the band and with weight loss, consistently exercises.  I want to be that person.  So I am going to commit right now and book my first 5k.  I have a gym membership, I just bought a brilliant new Omron pedometer (the two days I've worn it I averaged 8,000 steps without trying, so I'm aiming for 10,000 minimum every day).  I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel good about my body and I really want to be fit and healthy.

I'm also going to make a short term goal:  I graduate on 17th July.  Between now and then, I want to lose 30lbs.  It's a stretch goal, but I've got to get the scale moving down again and by having a goal to work towards I hope to motivate myself with weekly weigh ins (how frickin long has it been!)
Graduation Goal - 189lbs - coming to get ya!

And here's a picture of Ben and I in case you forgot what I looked like xxx