The scale said 226lbs when I stood on it this morning which is up 3.2lbs from last week. I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF. Nothing seems to stop me gorging on food all day every day. My band certainly doesn't stop me. Why must the band allow all sugary junk food to slip through it? I feel like such a failure. Nearly 18 months out from surgery, I've now slipped so far backwards that I've only lost about 21lbs and I'm fucking sick and tired of it. My clothes that I had been wearing are now too small again, my back hurts. What am I going to do? Remember when you went into surgery with the fears of 'what if my last resort doesn't work?' - this is what it looks like. This is what failure looks like. Fuck.
Sorry, just had to get that out. I know it's not pleasant to read about other people's self pity and misery. I wish I could be all light and hope, but I feel hopeless.
I've made the goal to work towards this 5k, I'm meeting my personal trainer friend on Wednesday for a run and for her to give me my training plan. So right now I'm not doing anything to help my weight go in the right direction, but in two days time I am. I am doing a good thing for my health starting on Wednesday, so maybe I'm not a failure, maybe I haven't given up?
I need a food goal. I need to do something to stop the free for all I've pretty much been on for 7 months. When I joined Food Addicts Anonymous back in February, I was at rock bottom and I lasted without sugar, wheat or flour for one week before a binge caused me to lose my way. I know sugar is the enemy. But the trying and failing over the three weeks I tried to follow the FA program made me INSANE - I couldn't study, my moods were extreme, I was horrible to everyone around me. I am so damaged and mentally unbalanced that I need binging and sugar to live. I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
I'm going to make a food goal. From tomorrow, I am going to stop eating at 9pm. Seeing as my worst binging is at night, after dinner, before bed. Even if I can't stop binging or eating shit, at least I can try and minimise the time I have to do it. If I can cut out 2 hours a day (9pm - 11pm when I'll try and go to sleep), then I will in turn be consuming less overall. By giving myself an eating curfew, I hope to focus a little better on my goals, my reasons for wanting to lose weight etc. Just something to stop the free for all. And then on Wednesday, I'll see about adding my 5k training as well.
Sorry again for the melodrama and the misery, one day I'll be better.
Oh honey. Hugs. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your FA group was more about rules, rather than compassionate understanding and support. Do you have ANAD there? Maybe that would be a better place? I don't care what you weigh, and how much you have or haven't lost (of course I understand you do, and I don't mean to be unfeeling - I just mean it doesn't impact your value as a person to me one iota) but the out of control binging and gorging is what worries me, whether you are a size 2 or 20. So I hope you can get more appropriate support. (((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteAwww babe - it's heartbreaking to hear you call yourself a failure. You can still do this. I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteOh Mari, you are NOT a failure- you have not given up. This is just a section in your journey.
ReplyDeleteHave you talked to your doctor? I put off going for a fill because I feel like a failure and I was ashamed- but someone pointed out to me that I have this tool so USE IT. I told myself there was no point because the stuff I was eating would slip past the fill but it IS helping.
Your cerfew sounds good. Achievable goals- one step at a time. Set yourself up for success one small thing at a time and put yourself back in control.
Hang in there. You will figure this out for you.
You are NOT a failure. You realize that what you have been doing the last 7 months isn't working, and you are restarting....so what....that doesn't make you a failure. Giving up would make you a failure. I think you should have a heart to heart with your band doctor...let him/her know exactly what is going on. It does suck that the band lets sugary crap just slide through :(
ReplyDeleteIt isn't failing, you are just stumbling! You can do this. One step at a time.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever give up! You can do this!
So not a failure!!! You are going running in two days. Just focus on doing one thing at time - like no eating after 9pm and every time you succeed at that you will gain strength to try another thing like exercise and then once you've got that going try adding in another thing. And so on and yada yada.... I have no idea how I've been sugar free for this many days. I just know I feel good and know once I binge I feel bad..So I want to keep feeling good. I so understand what you are going through - all my clothes are tight and I couldn't get size 12 shorts to fit today...booooo.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is saying all the things I want to say. You are going to get there one step at a time. It does sound like maybe you're due for a fill? Think about that, or at least talking to the doctor or nutritionist!
ReplyDeleteIt does totally suck! I've come to realize its all about what you eat. The harsh truth and reality, I don't want to accept it, but my journey thru this process has proven it.
ReplyDeleteThis is a set back but you will get back at it. You are not a failure. Don't be yourself up. Get up, brush yourself off and start again. Do you log your food? That might help. I log every meal every day. It does seem to help me watch calories, fat, sugar and protein.
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible to fail at something you are still working on! Keep at it and you will get back on track! Any chance you may need an adjustment? I get adjustments every 4 weeks (or less) to make sure I stay on track!
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