Friday 29 June 2012


  1. It's been ages since I posted - again - I'm bored of myself, apologising for not posting in ages or commenting enough - so I'm just gonna get on with it and post and not apologise for my absence - I have been reading though - I'm here and loving and missing you all.
  2. I haven't lost any real weight for about 6 months.
  3. This makes me really miserable and I feel stuck and hopeless and a failure and like I can't even do this despite surgery and therefore I will be obese forever.
  4. I discovered Pinterest which may explain my absence from blogland - I am obsessed!
  5. My gym visits have been sporadic at best but I'm still trying and mostly succeeding to run a mile in under 15 minutes each time I go - plus using the stationary bike etc.
  6. I can't seem to control my eating - I still think I have a fairly good level of restriction though I notice I can definitely eat more than I could in the first few months after my fill (back in Feb)
  7. Maybe I should get a fill?
  8. It's summer - I don't have anything to do.  I'm finished at uni until October.  I need to get a job, but my anxiety and mental health makes it so so difficult - if I could change just one thing, it would be this.
  9. Wimbledon!!!  I am the BIGGEST tennis fan I know, favourites being Rafa and Roger, devastated the Rafa got knocked out yesterday but will of course continue to watch avidly much to my boyfriend's disappointment.
  10. I really want to lose more weight - why can't I get my head in gear?  But on the plus side, I kick arse at maintaining. x

Sunday 10 June 2012

Mental Shift and an Uber-NSV

My darling flaffodils (my preferred word for daffodils, so what?!), but seeing as I now have my first male follower ( Hi Jim!), I should also address him with a manlier flower, like...a dandelion, or a cactus!

Anywaaaaaay...weird.  My first port of call today is to say thank you to you all for your lovely, supportive, encouraging comments on my last post.  I was so pissed off.  In particular, I want to thank Kristin ( for her kind words and for directing me to her series of 'Holy Grail' posts which have done so much to help me this week.  If you haven't read them, go read them.  I think that over time, and with re-reading, different things about Kristin's posts will inspire me and become significant, but for now, the thing I want to focus on, the thing I feel I need the most, is to find some semblance of balance.
Our fabulous JRD just mentioned in her most recent about needing to find balance because life and our motivation and our moods, are ALWAYS going to go up and down.  As is life.

I am a complete all or nothing person.  With everything.  And I also believe I'll fail at everything (great self-esteem right?!)  SO - if I'm going to fail, and thus not do anything perfectly, why do anything at all.  This is why I'm half-arseing my way through my degree, because if I try my best and don't do it 'perfectly' then it seems like the end of the world or something.  In terms of my band and losing weight, in my head I'm either perfectly on track - not going over my calories (not even once), exercising 5 days a week and losing 2lbs religiously (and you can't even guarantee that last one no matter what you do!) - OR - off the wagon and using that as a justification for eating everything and anything (within the band's limits of course).  For example, when I'm not on track and I'm at the supermarket, I look at the things that are really bad for me, that if I'm honest, generally make me feel ill (too much fat since banding makes me feel quite nauseas), and think, I best get them now and eat them all at once while I'm off track because I can't have it when I'm on track.

All that this all or nothing madness is doing is causing failure and self-hatred.  Whenever I thought of the classic Einstein quote (the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results), I always thought it just applied to my binge/fat self - but actually I have to apply it to the bigger picture - if I continue the all or nothing self, I'm always going to get the same results, which currently is this maintenance I've been experiencing for 6 months.  And yes it's good that I've pretty much maintained, apart from those few pesky lbs, but this isn't how I want to do it when I do finally get to goal.

SO - with all this in mind - I have to come up with a new strategy and mindset.  For now, I'm changing three things:

  1. Only weigh in once a week (instead of every day as per usual).  I never wanted to admit that I was affected intensely by the number on the scale, but I am.  If it's up, I hate it and want to give up.  Instead of looking at my daily fluctuations, I'm going to hope for an overall downward trend.  Any loss is a loss.  I've got to stop looking at 2lbs a week as the only success.  A gentle, gradual decrease in my weight is ok.  It has to be ok because the way I was looking at it before was hurting me.
  2. Exercise to make me happy.  I want to achieve things in my exercise and fitness.  I want to succeed through hard work and perseverance.  I really like the feeling when I finish my workout, knowing that I did a positive thing for my body and my mind, I took a step in the right direction.
  3. Just for now, I'm not going to count calories or necessarily track, just for now I want to get out of the rigid diet perfectly mentality.  I'm really going to try and listen to what my body wants and needs.  I particularly want to get rid of 'last chance' binges which make me feel like shit, are no good for my band or for my mental health.  I know I'm an emotional eater, so I'm just going to try and slow down and think and address those moments when they come.  I'm going to try and stick to bandster portions, 3 meals a day, 2 snacks and do my best to get my protein and fruit and veg in, and hopefully just feed my body with what it needs, not what my tastebuds of my emotions desire.

I don't expect this necessarily to lead to weight loss straight away, and that hard for me to come to terms with, but in the long run, I'm addressing what has been wrong and finding a new way to go about things.

So last Wednesday I weighed in, 208.6lbs, only 0.8lbs from my recent lowest, and I'll update you this coming Wednesday as to what the scale has to say.

I leave you with my biggest NSV to date...


My first ever mile, about 14.5mins, so hardly the speed of light, but it's the furthest I've ever run and I stopped at 15 minutes, 4 minutes longer than my longest run of 11mins back in January.  I am beyond proud of myself and I'm going to try and do it again tomorrow!!


Tuesday 5 June 2012

70th Post and a Discovery.

This is my 70th post - I think I've blogging for about 10 months - I'm 10 days off my 8 month bandiversary and I've lost just shy of 40lbs.  What pisses me off is that I had lost just shy of 40lbs 6 months ago.  Nothing has happened for nearly all of my banded life.  I can't change what has been.  I can only affect what will be.

As you will know from recent posts, I recommitted for Phase 2.  I have already fucked up Phase 2.  It went wrong two weeks ago when I went to Alton Towers, a theme park in the north of England.  We were only away for a couple of days with friends and had a great time (including me being so brave that I was able to spend an afternoon at a water park in nothing but my purple swim suit!), but after a pretty good fortnight and a loss of 4lbs, I felt out of control and started eating badly again and then some how rationalised just waiting til after my birthday (Monday 28th May) to get back on track.  So that's what I did - Wednesday 30th was Phase 2:1 and it went great for three days, I was in the gym every morning before 9am (early for me!) and eating was good again.  Until I had a really bad mental health day on Saturday and fell off the wagon again.  When I weighed in on the 30th for my restart, I had gone all the way back up to 213.6lbs!  Higher than I was when I began Phase 2 and a gain of about 5lbs in a week!  This morning I was 209.4lbs.


So what can I learn from the past month?  One mistake leads to a throwing in of the towel.  If I can't do things exactly as I planned (e.g. if I end up going out for dinner with friends rather than have my planned chicken at home or whatever), I feel like I'm no longer in control and that it'll take lots of planning and a specific date to start again.  When I have a particularly difficult mental health day (sadly they are frequent), that I'm still relying on food to make it better.  I sometimes just feel so panicked, so out of control that I have to do something to help it in the moment, in the past that has been self-harm, but I am desperately trying to make that part of my history not my present, so the only other behaviour to get past the feeling that I've learnt is to eat.


I've been really enjoying the benefits of exercising more.  I've been working really hard at the gym and I feel stronger and fitter which is AWESOME!  It's not become enough of a habit for me to jump up raring to go every day though.  I know that if I just keep going then I will get there!

I'm pretty much in charge of all the meals, my man is very easy going (obviously likes man food) but he can just have some fries with his dinner or whatever while I stick to the protein and veg - on the good days, it's been really good!  Aiming for 1200 calories, 70g protein, loads of water, loads of veg.  It's so frustrating that just a few mistakes send me off onto 2500 calorie days of chocolate and sweets and biscuits (aren't we lucky that these are our sliders!)  Generally I reckon I'm at the sweet spot.  I can't eat more than a cup of food.  I can't really eat much bread, pasta, rice or fries/potato wedges/any potato product apart from really skinny crispy fries and mash.  I'm very very happy that I can still eat salad, I've heard a lot of people have problems with lettuce in particular.  Salad is a big favourite and I eat it for lunch every day.  Pretty much the only time I PB now is when eating with other people who don't know about the band - I panic that I'm going too slowly and that someone will say something.  Obviously I try and avoid worrying about it because as we all know pb'ing is gross and horrid and can affect your ability to eat solid food without throwing up more.

What it comes down to - and this is the discovery - though it was so obvious that I should be given a dumbass award - I am scared of failure.  And so, because I'm scared I'll fail when trying my absolute hardest and putting my all into it, I create a self fulfilling prophecy by sabotaging myself.  It's not astrophysics!  This is the exact same problem I have with every other area of my life.

How do you get past this?

Love you all x