Thursday 29 September 2011


Hello lovelies,  I hope that everyone who's off to Chicago for BooBs has an amazing time!  I am so jealous!

I went to my very first Zumba class yesterday!!!  It is SO fun!!  I loved the music and the laughing when I'd inevitably turn the wrong way of kick the wrong leg or almost trip myself (and others) over.  I used to think I was quite coordinated, despite being very clumsy, but it seems not to be so.  It was tiring and I sweated a huge amount but otherwise really enjoyed it!  Modified some moves but didn't stop once!  NSV!  I'll definitely be doing it again.  The only real draw back was my fitness level and how much my ankles hurt - they hurt when just walking too, it's incredibly upsetting for me to know that I have practically disabled myself by eating.  But...

...In more exciting news, my pre-op diet starts in 2 days, on the 1st October!!  I've been eating a lot.  And worrying that I won't be able to have things I love before I start the diet, but it will all be worth it!  I have this feeling that starting the diet and then in a little over 2 weeks having surgery, will just be such a relief!  A relief from eating this way and feeling so lethargic and sitting in bed every night surrounded by food.  And in only 2 days the change begins!  Oh no, that made it sound like I was having a sex change or something - you all know what I mean.  I am nervous as hell, but I am so sure this is the right decision.  It's pretty much just a countdown from now on!  I have to pay my bill of £5000 on Saturday (already paid the deposit) so that's a bit scary, but at least then it's real.


Friday 23 September 2011


Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post.  I just quickly wanted to say that I suddenly felt really guilty for saying 'I wish I was stronger' - because not for a single second do I think any of you are weak and in no way (like many less educated about the band) think it's the easy way out, or cheating or anything.  I think you are all so strong and so brave for doing this.  For some reason I can't seem to be quite so kind about myself, even though I'm doing the exact same thing.  I plan to try to look at myself the way I look at you - with admiration, pride and love. x

Big Man

I was talking to my ex boyfriend today (long complicated history), and he was telling me that he has been dieting for the last 3-4 weeks.  He's 6'4" with a starting weight of 350lbs ish, now down to about 329lbs.  This is great for him and I'm glad he's not finding it too tough (he's never really dieted before).  I then thought, I'll just check what his starting BMI was and to my utter HORROR, it was nearly 2 points lower then mine.  Now, I'm not saying I wish his was higher, of course not - but what upset me was the fact that so many people that I know talk about his weight and how big he's gotten and how he needs to do something about it or he'll have a heart attack at 50.  He openly jokes about his weight, and it's never really bothered him much until recently, so the topic is up for a fair bit of discussion when he's around.  So to discover that I am in fact bigger than him really knocked me for six.  What it means is that everything everyone thinks about him and his size, saying how enormous he is and how much he must eat to get to that size, they must think of me.  And I am even bigger for my height than he is!  What must people think of and/or say about me if they think that of him.  Even my best friend L talks about him like that all the time - I can only assume that she does see me as that big.  And even though I am truly happy for him that he's taking charge of his weight, I am jealous that he seems to be finding it all so easy on his first try when I have struggled for so so long with my weight and am now at my last resort.  I wish I had been stronger.

Monday 19 September 2011

An Award...for moi?

Goodness!  I have received 2 nominations for the Liebster Blog Award!!  Thank you so much to JRD and Rachel for nominating me!!  It's incredible to have all this support and I absolutely love and avidly read your blogs!  I've been away from blogger for a few days so I sort of think I've missed the boat a little with the Liebster Awards so I'm not officially passing it on, as I reckon most people have one already - but know that I love reading all your blogs and you all deserve awards and praise and cuddles for your bravery and brilliance!

In other news, I've moved back to uni.  Managed to pack everything, drive up (1.5hrs) and unpack without getting too stressed.  My mum was a great help, and I didn't once want to throw her out the window!  I'm back in halls of residence on campus and my room is lovely.  It's on the fourth floor and my entire view is of beautiful autumnal leaves.  I'm in a flat of 8 and I've met a few so far - I'm quite nervous and I feel completely panicked at the idea of socializing with these new people, but I'm sure it'll be fine in a couple of weeks.

I got a few protein shake samples, one was like a shot - 25g protein, fruit punch flavour - it was DISGUSTING!!!  It tasted like some sort of lethal fruity medicine.  I only had a couple of sips and then decided there was no way I was going to buy it again.  The other two I got and haven't tried yet, one is more like a sports drink, 500ml and 40g protein (I plan to only have half at a time after all your thoughts about 25g protein being the maximum you can process at one time); and the other is a 10 serving sample pack of whey protein powder in strawberry cream flavour.  Must make some headway in trying these to make sure I've got something to drink after surgery.

Speaking of surgery - it's less than 4 weeks away!!  I start the pre-op diet in 12 days, that is so soon!!  I'm so excited!  Though I weighed myself today and I was up to 17st3lbs (241lbs), this will be the result of lots of meals out with my dad when he came to visit from Australia.  I feel awful about my weight at the moment.  I think I look terrible, my worst - I'm tired and I got pains in my legs when I walk, I go bright red and get out of breath when walking up a hill, I hate it!  But I don't need to get too down about it because change is a-coming! x

Tuesday 13 September 2011

Protein Shakes

Hello lovelies, just a quickie to ask advice about protein shakes.  The wonderful vickyd suggested that I start testing out different protein shakes to see which ones I like.  A very smart suggestion.  Now sadly, I live in England which is surely infinitely less cool and advanced than America, so protein shakes aren't that readily available, and the ones that are seem to be more hardcore muscle builders huge vats of protein powder that scare me a bit.  So I can't really ask for specific recommendations, though I will be getting most of my shakes online, so there might be some American ones that ship to the UK.  Anyway, what I was wondering was...what do you consider to make a good shake in terms of nutritional information - how many calories would you usually have for what volume of shake, and the same for grams of protein??  Lots of the ones I've seen have 20g but some even have 40g for not too high a calorie count.  Also, does anyone drink protein shots rather than a long shake?  Big love x

Sunday 11 September 2011


20 days and counting until I start my pre-op diet.  I'm lucky in that I'm not required to do a liquid diet, or (as is popular with some of the other surgeons at my provider) a milk or yoghurt only diet.  Instead I'm allowed:
  • 4 eggs per day
  • 1 chicken breast and 1 piece of fish per day
  • broth
  • 3 x fruit per day
  • green salad and green vegetables
  • sugar free jelly
How does that compare to your pre-op diets?  I'm not feeling too worried about it...yet.  What I have been thinking about though is that with three weeks until I start the diet (5 weeks til surgery), what should I do until then?  I've been eating terribly as usual and part of me feels like I should just eat whatever I want whenever I want while I still can.  But the other part is itching to get going and that time now spent not losing weight, is time wasted.  And that if I started now, getting to my goal weight is that much closer?  So I was wondering what everyone did in the lead up to their pre-op diet and surgery?  Whether you found yourselves cutting down a bit, eating less and more healthily straight away, or binging right up until the last minute?  I'm sure that whatever feels right is ok, but I just want to get this show on the road and yet I feel like I should take advantage of this time to eat eat and eat some more.

Saturday 10 September 2011


First of all I have to say a big fat weepy THANK YOU to all of you incredible and inspiring women who are following my blog and leaving me such kind and enthusiastic comments.  I am so grateful and it's truly giving me something to look forward to each day.  Am I allowed to say I love you yet?

I'm just plodding along, trying to read like a crazy person in preparation for the new year at uni starting in 2 weeks time.  I met up with an old friend today who's a fitness instructor and she runs a spin class which I some how wound up promising I'd go to on Tuesday.  I've been to spin once before and sort of enjoyed it but I have to say, it doesn't half hurt your bum!  Something about that hard saddle.  The pain in the arse (excuse the pun) is even worse than the exercise itself, but my friend has promised me a padded saddle to ease the pain.  Does anyone else go to spin?

So why am I a copycat (or kitty, one of my favourite words and one of my favourite things)?  Because I'm going to join in with the rest of you and do my very first BYOC courtesy of the fabulous Drazil!  (Thanks so much Draz for commenting on my blog!)  Here goes nothing!

1. Do you drink coffee? Decaf or regular? Cold or hot? If not – what’s your go-to morning drink?

I LOVE coffee!  I do remember a time when I hated it but really wanted to like it because I thought it was cool and grown up.  I don't know when the transition took place.  About 2 years ago I stopped putting sugar in my coffee because I wanted to taste the coffee not the sugar.  Stronger the better.  Always a latte.  Hot or cold.  YUM.

2. What are your top six characteristics in a partner if you could hand pick them. And just for kicks – if you’re in a relationship – after you make the list of six – does the person you are with possess all five?

Funny - not just a good sense of humour, but I would love to be in hysterics as much as possible with my future husband (wherever he may be, he's late!)
Passion - he's got to be excited about things, interested in learning and seeing the world and thinking.
Compassion - someone that's able to really look outside themselves and feel for another person.
Loyal/Reliable - someone who never makes me feel like he might leave.
Good Daddy material - got to be a great father.
Strong - someone who is mentally strong who can absorb all my crazy without being burdened and act as a big soothing armchair for the days I'm struggling with my anxiety etc.
(Not necessarily in that order.)

3. I’m going to pick a person – not knowing if this person even exists in your life – and you try to describe this person in 5 short words or sentences:

Paternal grandfather

My Dad's Dad is a former Methodist minister and he and my grandmother (both still alive) live a very minimal life.  I find it very difficult to spend time with them because it doesn't feel possible to have a normal conversation with them, like every question or topic is pre-planned by them and you can't veer from that.  I only see them every 4 years or so as my Dad lives in Australia and I'd rather not see them on my own.

4. What’s your signature item? Color? Piece of clothing or jewelry? Accessory? You know – that one thing people know you will ALWAYS have on?

Sadly, it is that I always wear black.  And yes, it's because I'm fat and black is slimming.  My bulges are just so much more visible in light colours.  Over the last 2 years I've been trying harder to buy more colourful clothes and I think I have made some progress, but apart from when I'm in my pj's, I'll always be wearing at least one item of black clothing.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog life.

Blog life has been amazing - I now have 36 followers which is incredible and the encouraging comments have been flying in - I could not be more grateful!!  I really enjoy blogging and am sure I'll keep it up!

Real life is ok.  I've been having a few issues with my ex (who I still see a lot of, sometimes naked) which is stressing me out.  My Dad's coming for a visit from Australia next week which I can't wait for!  VERY excited about having my surgery date but am feeling frustrated as I just wish it was now already! x

Wednesday 7 September 2011

Drumroll please...

Well, guess who's getting banded?!!  ME!!!!!  And two weeks earlier than I initially planned.  On Saturday 15th October, I'm to be banded and join the cool crew with the rest of you!  I am beyond ecstatic!!

So I went up to London for my consultation (in a very fancy area near Oxford Street), felt a bit nervous at first as the male receptionist was a bit dismissive and not very...soft - he weighed me and measured my height.  I weighed in on their scales at 17st (238lbs), and I was 161cm - I've just checked and that's actually not quite 5'3", it's like 5'2.8" but I'm rounding up.  That makes my BMI 42.2.  Yuck, but good to have a starting point.  However, my scale at home this morning said I was 16st11lbs (235lbs) and I'm sticking with my scale that has me pre-food, post-bathroom and butt naked that I'll be using most of the time.  Then I waited in the swanky waiting room feeling nervous until I was called in by my surgeon who I've decided I might just love a little bit.  He was direct and friendly and practical and called my 'my love' and asked me what degree I'm doing etc.  I felt completely at ease with him and felt that he was a good man, he has 1600 gastric band operations under his belt so I feel he's completely competent.  He said that overall complication rate is about 5% - how does this compare to the results of your surgeons?  I asked all my questions, he showed me the Lap Band and said my port will be positioned centrally above my belly button and below my chest.  He also said he doesn't put any saline in the band during surgery.  After I felt satisfied that I had all my questions answered, he sent me back out to the waiting room where I was collected by the patient care co-ordinator who was really warm and sweet and not too formal, we went through the pre-op and post-op diets and what would happen the day of surgery. I didn't feel at all like she was pushing me to sign on the dotted line which was a relief.  But I absolutely felt that I was in the right place, that all my research had paid off in as much as I didn't feel bewildered or in over my head at all.  So I did it, I paid my deposit of £500 and secured my surgery date.  I decided the sooner the better which is why I went with the 15th instead of my originally planned 29th.  I felt that the less time spent in the sugar haze of last supper syndrome the better and I felt as though it would help to quell my anxiety.  But most importantly, my mum wasn't able to come with me on the 29th and as I've decided for now not to even tell any friends, and I didn't want to go alone, Mum is the only person who can accompany me to the hospital.  The 15th October is only 5.5 weeks away!!  I'm only 3.5 weeks away from starting my pre-op diet and I'm that much closer to becoming a skinny little runner bean!

I can't wait to get the band.  I feel like it's absolutely the right thing to do, I'm completely prepared to make all the changes long term.  Thank you all so much for all the advice I've received through your blogs and as always, thank you so much for your comments and your love.  It's wonderful to have a feeling of solidarity in an adventure where I'm otherwise alone. x

Tuesday 6 September 2011

Quivering with antici...pation.

My consultation is tomorrow at 2pm.  Obviously I can't sleep because I'm SO EXCITED and nervous (and have long term insomnia) but mostly excited.  I'm in a position where if all goes well I can put down my deposit there and then and in doing so, secure my surgery date (hopefully October 29th).  I just really want to get some of this rolling, I want more info and confirmation that I'm a good candidate for surgery and once surgery is booked I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and gradually start unzipping this fat suit I've been wearing my whole life.  I'm so over it.  I'm a bit scared about going up there and having to talk about my weight and everything, it's humiliating, but I know that that's what they deal with everyday and I don't have to be embarrassed.  I can't believe this is happening.  One day...I'm going to wear a bikini.  Ha, sounds like a joke in my head right now, but I mean it.  Thank you all so much for your comments and for following me, if I'm not following you yet just comment with a link to your blog, I'm ploughing through them from start to finish, I LOVE hearing about your lives and your journeys, it's so inspiring.  I've been met with such warmth by you all, it's LOVELY!! x

Monday 5 September 2011


A moment ago, my jaw dropped, my eyes widened and I gasped - I have 21 followers!!!  I can't believe it!  I can't believe anyone would possibly be interested!  If I'm not following you (bearing in mind I can't see who my followers are at the moment), just comment with a link to your blog and I will scoot on over there.

Being a university student, my year is always interrupted by long holidays (oh woe is me, I know!) where I tend to come back home (where I am at the moment) on the south east coast of England.  It's lovely here, I truly think that my hometown is the best place in the world, even Venice didn't give me quite the same feeling.  But as of the 17th of this month, I'm heading back up to uni (about 40 minutes away from London) where I feel more like I can get on with my life.  I'm there for the majority of the year, I'm back in halls of residence this year which will be nice, not having to worry about bills or cleaning my kitchen!!  I've been faffing around with my degree for a couple of years - I'm now going into my second year (for the second time) and will graduate in 2013.  I study English Literature with Philosophy which's great, but I'm not very disciplined about reading books that I don't like and there's lots of dull compulsory reading.  But I feel motivated for the first time in 5 years to really try and work hard and attempt to leave uni with good grades and a bit of pride.  So at the moment, I'm reading as much as possible in preparation for the start of term.

So why bootylicious?  Obviously a Destiny's Child song so works perfectly with my blog title - but here it refers to the fact that I'm going to get my bum in the gym once I get back up to uni.  And get this...I literally couldn't be nearer to the gym, I can see it from where I live, my block of flats is the nearest building to the gym on campus!  SO I have absolutely zero excuse.  It'll take me 2.5 minutes probably to get from my room to the gym.  If I'm slacking, do feel free to remind me of this fact.  I've been looking at the exercise class list.  I've done about 5 group classes before, and I like them, but they make me nervous.  Especially at my uni where there are a lot of sporty types and all the girls I've seen going into the classes look thin and energetic.  But if I can get my lovely friend and gym buddy, E, to go with me, then maybe I won't be so afraid.

I want to go to: ZUMBA!!!  It's on twice a week - Tuesdays at 7pm and Fridays at 5.30pm.  the Friday might be a bit of a tight squeeze as I have a lecture that finishes at 5pm.  I also want to go to Step, Boxercise and Fat Attack.  Also, anyone have an opinion which is better, yoga or pilates?  I've done pilates before and really liked it, but what do you reckon?  Both classes are offered at my gym.  Other than that my gym is fairly small and basic but if you go at the right time it's not too busy.  There's a weights room but it's full of smelly sweaty men, I've never once seen a woman go in there.  But there are weight machines and free weights in the main room as well.  I'm planning to work on a 5k.  I started C25k a few months ago and got to week three before my diet and exercise started to go belly up.  I found it a bit frustrating, so I may not go back to it and instead set 5k on the treadmill and just try and improve my time every week.

Sunday 4 September 2011

No longer alone!

I am so unbelievably happy to not be all by my lonesome in blog land anymore.  I have been reading all your blogs like crazy (I'm a bit obsessive about reading them from start to finish, so forgive me if I haven't got round to commenting yet, it won't be long!)  I'm so excited to get to know you all, it's funny how after reading somebody's blog you feel as though you know them in real life.  Thanks again for your lovely comments - I'm glad the followers widget is working even if I can't see who's following me, I will get the problem fixed!

In other news, I think I've finally worked out how to afford the surgery.  I decided I didn't want to tell my grandparents or step-father.  I really commend the courage in those of you who tell anyone who asks about the band - but I'm just not brave enough right now.  I'm a very hyper-sensitive person and I fear that any flippant comment, even if it isn't meant in a negative way, might derail me emotionally.  So...

The wonderful woman (close friend of my mum's) who is offering to help with surgery, I shall call her J, has offered me £3000 with the option of more if I need it.  I am bowled over by her generosity with the initial amount so I feel a bit ungrateful for asking for a further £500, but that's what I'm going to have to do.  She did offer further money so I'm not doing anything wrong by asking for more - and it is a loan not a handout, so... that's £3500 sorted.

My mum is going to contribute £1000 that she'll put on her credit card.  She's such an amazing woman, I know she'd give my sister and I every last penny if she could.

So that leaves me with £1500 to find.  As I said a couple of posts ago, there are bits of money I can access:  I have  approx £250 saved, plus £360 owed to me in tax = £610.  I'm going to apply for a student credit card which I see no reason that I'd be denied for - max is £500 I believe = £1110.  All that's left is £390.  I can make this with the money I have in my current account plus a bit of student loan money and I'll hopefully get £150-£200 from doing a bit of admin work for my uncle.

What this means is...I CAN AFFORD SURGERY!!!!!!  Wahooooooooooooooooooo!!  I haven't really felt able to celebrate until now because I wasn't sure it was going to be a possibility.  But now, I don't really see any reason why it won't happen.  Obviously pending my consultation on Wednesday, in three days time!  I asked the patient care co-ordinator in the phone if there was any reason I might be turned down - she said only if I had some serious pre-existing medical problem that would make the surgery too risky.  So unless they deem me too bonkers (I have been in therapy for over a decade), I should be up up up and away!!

Saturday 3 September 2011


Yesterday, I very nervously and tentatively posted a comment on Lap Band Gal's blog - bearing in mind I have been somewhat of a band-blog lurker for about 18 months - and am so so delighted to have heard back and so grateful that she gave me a lovely shout out on her wonderful blog!!  And thank you as well to all you fabulous ladies who have posted comments, it is wonderful to hear from you all and I'll be reading your blogs at once!!  Many of you have mentioned that I need to add the followers widget to my blog which I think I have done...but for some reason my internet won't show it to me - it says page not found - anyone else had this trouble or know what it could be.  It's the same when I look at your blogs too - I can't see the followers!  However, it is maybe now you'll be able to follow me.  Do let me know if isn't working and I'll try and figure it out, or enlist the help of someone with computer smarts!  Anyone thank you all again, I really hope to become part of the incredible group of bloggers on here.  Much love x

Friday 2 September 2011

Money makes the world go round.

Oh my, I think I might just be on my way!!  I posted a letter yesterday to the dear friend of my mother's, asking if she might be able to help me with a loan and...she rang me this morning and in fact came straight over to talk to me.  Interestingly, her main question was, 'is it possible for you to lose weight?'  I explained to her that I had successfully lost some weight in the past, the most being 3.5st (49lbs).  She seemed happy to hear this and has offered to lend me a minimum of £3000.  I can't believe it, her generosity has overwhelmed me and I am so lucky to have a friend like her who understood how I must be feeling and is in a position to help.  She said that if I had trouble getting up to the full amount (£5950) that she would be able to lend me more.  I am SO EXCITED!!!  So what is the money plan??  Well, I really want to avoid telling my grandparents about my choice to have the band.  I just think that they wouldn't really understand.  That in the past there weren't options such as weight loss surgery and people just got on with their lives.  I think my grandfather might just say 'why can't you just eat less?!'  Well, if it was that easy, I'd have done it wouldn't I?  SO - my mum is going to pay the £500 deposit.  Then, once my tax rebate comes through I'll have £360 from that.  I so far have £205 saved.  5950 - 4005 = £1945 left to find.  That feels a lot more manageable than almost £6000.  But that doesn't make getting it any easier.  I was trying to think whether I owned anything that I could sell...I'm the opposite of a hoarder, I minimise and ruthlessly get rid of things that I don't need.  I feel like too much stuff equals chaos.  I've managed to do a couple of carboot sales (like a yard sale for you Americans out there) in the past, never made more than about £75 though.  Anyway, nothing left to sell.  I've got a bit of money in my account and could maybe add £350 to my total.  Then my student loan comes through in September...this isn't really very much and I still have to live for four months on £500 per month.  I wonder if mum has any more leeway on her credit card...?  I should be eligible for a £500 student credit card.  Ok so...if I could get the credit card then overall that's another £850 towards the surgery.  Leaving me with a bill of £1095...should I bite the bullet and tell my grandparents and ask them for some money, or should I ask my friend for another grand on top of the £3k she's already giving me?  I'd love some advice if anyone's out there....?  Helllooooo?  Sorry for the boring numbers, a boring post really...but I really feel like this might be happening.  I could really be thin one day?  And getting this money together is the only way I can get there.  What to do...

Thursday 1 September 2011

I am the walrus

I hope that one day, I could maybe look a little bit like Christina Hendricks. I have the same basic shape as her...I think - hiding under all this fat. I'm basically a walrus at this point. Anyway - I received the medical questionnaire from THG yesterday, it's pretty much what I expected. It asked about medical (physical and mental) history and a bit of weight history. There's also a part in it to be filled in at your consultation. There was also a very comprehensive information guide about the band and the specifics of my pre and post op diets. It was really good to get all this information under my belt. Only six days to go until my consultation! So far no news on the finance front. My mum keeps saying vaguely but assuredly, that it'll be fine, that we'll find a way, that I don't need to worry. Although I'm sure she's trying to reassure me, this seems like a pretty flimsy thing to say. I ask how, and she says, things always come together. The fact is, that if I want surgery at the end of October, I need to come up with nearly £6000 in 6 weeks. I'm sending the letter I've written to my mum's close friend who I think may help me. It will be very good to hear back from her. On top of these financial worries, I'm having a NIGHTMARE with the student finance company who are saying they won't pay my fees for this year because it's a repeated year. I'm having to repeat the year because my mental health, which had been particularly low this past year, prevented me from completing the year. There is meant to be a mechanism in place that allows people with medical (mental and physical) problems extra year funding. So I also have to come up with £1700 in 2.5 weeks so that I can enrol. I swear they are trying to kill me with stress. In other news, my weight today is 16st12lbs (236lbs). This is good I guess, but I haven't put down a starting weight as I haven't technically started. But all of last week my weight was 17st(238lbs) so I was planning to take that as my starting weight. Height: 5'3" Age: 23 Starting Weight: 17st (238lbs) Goal Weight: 10st (140lbs) Holy Shit Goal: 9st (126lbs) I guess I'll do measurements soon as well. I can't wait for my thick 'cankles' to disappear!