Tuesday, 5 June 2012

70th Post and a Discovery.

This is my 70th post - I think I've blogging for about 10 months - I'm 10 days off my 8 month bandiversary and I've lost just shy of 40lbs.  What pisses me off is that I had lost just shy of 40lbs 6 months ago.  Nothing has happened for nearly all of my banded life.  I can't change what has been.  I can only affect what will be.

As you will know from recent posts, I recommitted for Phase 2.  I have already fucked up Phase 2.  It went wrong two weeks ago when I went to Alton Towers, a theme park in the north of England.  We were only away for a couple of days with friends and had a great time (including me being so brave that I was able to spend an afternoon at a water park in nothing but my purple swim suit!), but after a pretty good fortnight and a loss of 4lbs, I felt out of control and started eating badly again and then some how rationalised just waiting til after my birthday (Monday 28th May) to get back on track.  So that's what I did - Wednesday 30th was Phase 2:1 and it went great for three days, I was in the gym every morning before 9am (early for me!) and eating was good again.  Until I had a really bad mental health day on Saturday and fell off the wagon again.  When I weighed in on the 30th for my restart, I had gone all the way back up to 213.6lbs!  Higher than I was when I began Phase 2 and a gain of about 5lbs in a week!  This morning I was 209.4lbs.


So what can I learn from the past month?  One mistake leads to a throwing in of the towel.  If I can't do things exactly as I planned (e.g. if I end up going out for dinner with friends rather than have my planned chicken at home or whatever), I feel like I'm no longer in control and that it'll take lots of planning and a specific date to start again.  When I have a particularly difficult mental health day (sadly they are frequent), that I'm still relying on food to make it better.  I sometimes just feel so panicked, so out of control that I have to do something to help it in the moment, in the past that has been self-harm, but I am desperately trying to make that part of my history not my present, so the only other behaviour to get past the feeling that I've learnt is to eat.


I've been really enjoying the benefits of exercising more.  I've been working really hard at the gym and I feel stronger and fitter which is AWESOME!  It's not become enough of a habit for me to jump up raring to go every day though.  I know that if I just keep going then I will get there!

I'm pretty much in charge of all the meals, my man is very easy going (obviously likes man food) but he can just have some fries with his dinner or whatever while I stick to the protein and veg - on the good days, it's been really good!  Aiming for 1200 calories, 70g protein, loads of water, loads of veg.  It's so frustrating that just a few mistakes send me off onto 2500 calorie days of chocolate and sweets and biscuits (aren't we lucky that these are our sliders!)  Generally I reckon I'm at the sweet spot.  I can't eat more than a cup of food.  I can't really eat much bread, pasta, rice or fries/potato wedges/any potato product apart from really skinny crispy fries and mash.  I'm very very happy that I can still eat salad, I've heard a lot of people have problems with lettuce in particular.  Salad is a big favourite and I eat it for lunch every day.  Pretty much the only time I PB now is when eating with other people who don't know about the band - I panic that I'm going too slowly and that someone will say something.  Obviously I try and avoid worrying about it because as we all know pb'ing is gross and horrid and can affect your ability to eat solid food without throwing up more.

What it comes down to - and this is the discovery - though it was so obvious that I should be given a dumbass award - I am scared of failure.  And so, because I'm scared I'll fail when trying my absolute hardest and putting my all into it, I create a self fulfilling prophecy by sabotaging myself.  It's not astrophysics!  This is the exact same problem I have with every other area of my life.

How do you get past this?

Love you all x


  1. Oh honey, I really feel for you. I think you need to get back into the one day at a time mentality. Every good day counts and the back on the band wagon at the weekend means x days of eating crap (or it does for me at least).
    How about some short term goals?
    3 stone in total (42 lbs) by your 8 month bandiversary? 3 1/2 (49 lbs) by 9 months?
    How big are your portions? Do you stop eating after 20 minutes or do you finish what's on your plate?
    Big hugs xx

  2. I really hear your pain in this post. I will suggest that you take time and read my blog post series on Finding the HOLY GRAIL as I have addressed much of what you are experiencing here.

    I certainly hope that it will help you some!

    Hugs and do not give up, you have come a very long way!

  3. Just lending some support here. There's no easy way to get past it. We all hit this wall...some of us just hit it earlier than others. I've lost NOTHING in the last 6 months but it's changing...one thing, one choice, one decision at a time. It's changing. We can do this!

  4. I am so glad to see that you recognize that you are struggling but you keep moving forward. There is no reason to give up now. 40lbs is 40lbs - that is fan-fricken-tastic. Keep your eyes on the prize and focus on making good decisions. I have been eating out for the past three weeks and am definitely in the sweet spot... so that makes it difficult when you go to a restaurant with huge portions and tempting choices. Try ordering an appetizer size salad, or just ordering a starter instead of an actual meal. I have also gotten into the habit of being a really picky eater - asking for half of the dinner wrapped up before hand, asking for no bun on my turkey burger, salad instead of fries, dressing on the side, etc. All of these small changes will allow you to go out and enjoy life without having to suffer the caloric consequences. You totally can do this girl, I believe in you! xxx

  5. I honestly can feel your pain. I am so frustrated with this and so far this week have daily regretted getting the band over something like the sleeve. I have made changes, exercise, got a trainer and still am stuck like you. Emotionally I am a mess as well. I understand the self sabotage too! It's so hard to work through all of this. I think like me you have a touch of the perfect or nothing mentality, and we get stuck in that and think because we aren't perfect we are fuct! Have you had a fill at all?

    Oh and Happy Birthday.. mine is May 28th as well!

  6. I really identified with you when you said you feel out of control and panicky. I have a panic disorder too and once that switch gets flipped there is not backing me down. I think it is important for you to just concentrate on the fact there with the band there is NO FAILURE! You lost 40lbs, that is awesome, that means you are automatically healthier!! You are working out and loving it, that is a hard hard thing to accomplish.

    For me I work hard on recognizing my escalation signs and getting a hold of my crazy horse before she takes off. If you know that going off the plan is a trigger for you, then as soon as you see yourself going off plan take 5-10-15 min by yourself and talk your way through it in your head. Tell yourself why its ok to go off plan, tell yourself that you can make good choices at a restaurant too, tell yourself even if you are over your calorie limit for today you wont be tomorrow. Take the time to control the anxiety before it gets to the point of no return.

  7. Hope things get better for you... I am stalled out too... but its been my shitty eating choices that are keeping me down.

  8. Sorry not sure if this went through as it came up with a no-reply email so I thought I would come here and post too 'cause I am a stalker type and that's how I roll :op

    Thanks for your comment, it's so hard to recognise your own achievements though isn't it?

    Onederland is really exciting but it's so close to the getting under 14 stone mark I am fixated on that a little bit more. Hopefully I will be back there after my biscuit idiocy by Saturday when I record all my weights.

    I had to have my surgery to coincide with half term so I got Mr Super on 23 October. I really liked his name too which was a plus. He was quite matter of fact and blah blah blah when I met him though. Who was your surgery with? THG dieticians suck. I think they need to employ successful bandsters and train them to be dieticians. Mine has no clue and her constant changing her mind is infuriating! She just needs to pick a strategy and stick with it rather than having a different opinion every time. RAGE! Do you have a clinic near you or do you come up to London for your appointments?

    Sarah xx