Tuesday 23 October 2012

Bad State of Mind

Dearest Jellybeans,  oh how I wish I could regale you with tales of success and weight loss and happiness and fun, but I'm afraid that's just not really life right now.  I'm so bored of promising to get 'back on the wagon' and catch up with everyone's blogs (though I have just caught up a bit), and then failing at everything I've said I'll do.  I've basically been living on copious amounts of sliders - last time I checked I was up 6lbs from my lowest.  That's horrifying!  And yet, seeing 203lbs on the scale didn't change anything, I can't seem to connect my head.  All the family difficulties we're going through at the moment with my sister and my mum and stepdad being so close to divorce are too much for me to handle with my already very limited capacity for stress.  My mental health is hard enough to battle without anything going wrong around me, so when so much shit falls around my ears all at once, I just go into desperate survival mode, which unfortunately means almost constant eating of high sugar foods.  All the while I'm eating, I'm distracted from the pain.
So I've compiled a list of the sliders I've been living on that I no longer want to be part of my diet:

Sliders That Are Ruining My Life:

Sweets – primarily Haribo Tangfastics

Chocolate – Dairy Milk/Buttons/Twirl Bites/Chocolate Bars





(Snack a Jacks/KitKats) – in brackets because I feel that planned consumption of these helps me stay on track rather than derail me.

And these are the foods that I want to be eating because they make me feel good, they will help with my weight loss and I won't have to feel like a failure anymore.  I still have nearly 60lbs to lose for goodness' sake!

Foods I Need To Be Eating to Lose Weight:

Low Fat Sausages
Extra Lean Mince Beef
Vegetables – carrots, broccoli, green beans, peas, sweetcorn, courgettes, cucumber etc.
Fruit – grapes, strawberries, bananas, raspberries, melon.
Cheese – low fat mozzarella, babybel, half fat cheese, light Philadelphia
Yoghurt – low fat, petit filous, greek/fromage frais
Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes

And definitely the most important thing of all and the thing the band is there to help us with:


If I did this then I would be losing weight, because I'm rarely hungry.  Actual tummy rumbling to tell me I'm hungry.  Not just, oh, I'm not so full I'm going to pb any more so I can stuff something else in my mouth.  This keeps me at a constant level of full, but because they're sliders they don't cause me to pb or get stuck the way a lot of other, non-slidery food does.  I don't know if I'm too tight because I mostly eat sliders.  I suspect I might be.  The only way for me to test my fill level is to eat proper food and assess whether I can eat properly without pbing.  If I can't then I'll get a small unfill.  Being too tight pushes us to eat sliders because we feel deprived and in need of food.

So step 2 is exercise.  I so admire fellow bandsters like LapBand Gal and adorkbl for their commitment to exercise.  I want 'Every Damn Day' to be my motto and yet I haven't worked out in maybe 2 months??  I feel like jelly and crap because of it.  My muscles have decreased, I don't feel as strong, I just know that my first run after this hiatus will be so hard and set me back a good few months of training.  I was getting so close to running for half an hour and now I need to accept that just 5 or 10 minutes will be a struggle.  I've got my iphone now, I've got the Nike+ running app to track my runs, I've got some new running tights and a new sports bra.  I've got time today.  I should go and run shouldn't I... in the back of my stupid head I'm like, oh but you've already ruined today by eating sweets all morning, why not just ruin the rest of the day.  But that's useless thinking.  I won't get anywhere if I think like that.  Oh dear, help!  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to go for a run.  So there.  Even if it's ever so brief, I'm going to get out there and do it.  I need to pop to the shop to get some milk anyway.  Skinny milk of course!

Ok, I'm so sorry for the psychobabble, nonsense rambling post - just had to get some stuff out of my head.
Love you all xxx


  1. I do hope your run is petter than you expect. It will help you sort out all those feelings, stress and general yuckiness. Good luck and know we are all sending you happy thoughts! Take it minute by minute, girlie.

  2. Don't apologize for the rambling, we all need to do it at one time or another. I know that feeling of why bother when you've already messed up today, but you can change it. You just take tiny baby steps and you´ll be on the right track in no time. Hope the run turns out better than you thought :)

  3. emotional eating is a terrible thing, I know I struggle. You need to find some other outlet for you emotions....saying your going to eat better is a great plan but you need to develop a plan on how you are going to deal with those emotions on a daily basis and have a couple backup plans to use. Good luck I know you have this!

  4. Oh darling, my heart goes out to you.....I'm sending you a big hug - you can do this! Just keep getting up and trying again, that is all we can do. Love you girl...

  5. First off **hugs**

    We all have hard times. Moments where we slip back into old habits. Where we reach for sliders over a healthier choice. If anyone says they don't... well shit... good for them. But I am not perfect. I just strive to learn from the slip ups and move forward. Pick myself up once more.

    Fall 7 times. Get up 8.

    Time to get up. Go for that run. It will suck. I'm not gonna lie. It sucked HARD CORE for me to start back up after my break a few weeks ago. But you wanna know something? It was NOT like starting over. Sure I had to ratchet back a bit. but I didn't fall back to the point wher eI could barely run 30 seconds.

    You got this. You CAN DO THIS!

    Go for the run. Email me that you did it. :)

    On day at a time girl. Commit to no sliders today. commit to that run. Just think about today. It won't be so overwhelming.

  6. The Bright Side: You know what you need to do and you've laid it out so well.

    The Down Side: Knowing what we need to do and actually doing it are two different things. The emotional eating is the hardest part to address.

    Hang in there sweetie!

  7. HELLO LOVELY LADY, I HAVE NOMINATED YOU ;O) http://bsbandedmama.blogspot.com/2012/11/leibster-award.html

  8. Don't feel too bad... I just finished finals about 5 pounds up! I spent alot of time dipping almonds into Nutella (don't ever try this stuff it is like meth or something... (or whatever gateway drug is big in the UK), oh and french fries... mmmmm.... But I have pushed aside the stress of school and family and have hit up the gym again starting today... let's do this together!