Tuesday 10 April 2012


Thank you all so so much for your comments on my last post - meant so much to me and I'm really going to try and take on board what you said and just blog for me!  Love you all!

I've been incredibly emotional the past couple of days.  Some might say hysterical at moments.  With my mental illness, I know that these lows will come and go, it's probably the worst that Ben's seen me, so that's a bit scary.  He's assured me he isn't going anywhere though.  I'm doing my best to believe him.  No, I do believe him, it's just the irrational crazies in my head that try and tell me otherwise.

It's weigh in day today.  Whereas in the past this was an exciting day with a new low to report, sadly I'm up a lb, back to where I was 2 weeks ago when I supposedly 'got back on track'.  Part of me just wants to bitch and moan and say all the usual, why aren't I losing weight, why isn't the band working for me (my least favourite saying!) blah blah blah - but instead - I'm going to tell you what I've been doing.

Probably half the week on average, I've been doing better.  This is a positive thing.  It means, a lot more of the time (than in the past few months) I'm trying to keep in the forefront of my mind what I'm doing and why.  I've been tracking on MFP a lot more - probably 4 days a week.  But some days I just don't have the strength.  I feel so overwhelmed emotionally, that sometimes I feel like I need to do anything to prevent me from falling apart and never recovering.  Sadly this sometimes means I don't know where else to turn except to food.  I'm working on it.

Big positive though:  I've been working out!  I've been doing 40 minutes on my little stepper, incorporating squats, lunges and weights during that time.  And I've just started doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - I love her so much, and I miss her on the Biggest Loser.  It's tough and my body hurt for 2 days, but I love it.  So maybe I'm gaining muscle?  Anything to make me feel better about this gain.  A gain or a stay the same can be so so demotivating.  And a loss can be the opposite.  Frustrated and cross.  Boo Shitty Boo.


  1. Stay the course my dear, you will get there. Just remember it is not a race. When we put time limits on ourselves, we set ourselves up for failure I do believe.


  2. Mari, honey, you can do this. Honestly. It is your journey, and you will do it in your time, ok? You are making changes, really complex, difficult changes, and so much of this journey is the mental part of it. You just keep chipping away at it, you are doing well. Sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other, and keep plowing forward! And good for you for tracking more often, and getting in your stepper and weights!! HUGS!

  3. Chin up! You see your blog ticker up there?Yup look at it... You are almost half way there! You got this!