Hell

It has been such a long time since I blogged or read any blogs or ate the way I should be.  I don't have the internet at the moment since we moved into our lovely new flat and it may be another month or so til we get it so I can't imagine that my frequency of blogging will improve just yet.
I feel like I've been in hell, my sister lost custody of my niece and she's being adopted by some relatives of ours who live in the north, about 4 hours drive away.  We'll still be able to see her thank goodness, but not as often as I've become used to.  My sister is in a terrible state.
On top of this a close friend of mine committed suicide and few weeks ago, he is the first person close to me whose died and I'm struggling with discovering what grief feels like.

All I ask is that you don't forget about me.  I miss you all and miss reading your funny and heart warming posts.  I WILL BE BACK!  Fighting.  I just need to get through the next few weeks, terrified that my sister is going to kill herself, get used to Betty having moved away, learn from my grief.  I will come back fighting and I will lose the last 60+lbs.

Love you all xxx

Bad State of Mind

Dearest Jellybeans,  oh how I wish I could regale you with tales of success and weight loss and happiness and fun, but I'm afraid that's just not really life right now.  I'm so bored of promising to get 'back on the wagon' and catch up with everyone's blogs (though I have just caught up a bit), and then failing at everything I've said I'll do.  I've basically been living on copious amounts of sliders - last time I checked I was up 6lbs from my lowest.  That's horrifying!  And yet, seeing 203lbs on the scale didn't change anything, I can't seem to connect my head.  All the family difficulties we're going through at the moment with my sister and my mum and stepdad being so close to divorce are too much for me to handle with my already very limited capacity for stress.  My mental health is hard enough to battle without anything going wrong around me, so when so much shit falls around my ears all at once, I just go into desperate survival mode, which unfortunately means almost constant eating of high sugar foods.  All the while I'm eating, I'm distracted from the pain.
So I've compiled a list of the sliders I've been living on that I no longer want to be part of my diet:

Sliders That Are Ruining My Life:

Sweets – primarily Haribo Tangfastics

Chocolate – Dairy Milk/Buttons/Twirl Bites/Chocolate Bars

Biscuits/Cookies

Cake

Crisps

Popcorn

(Snack a Jacks/KitKats) – in brackets because I feel that planned consumption of these helps me stay on track rather than derail me.

And these are the foods that I want to be eating because they make me feel good, they will help with my weight loss and I won't have to feel like a failure anymore.  I still have nearly 60lbs to lose for goodness' sake!

Foods I Need To Be Eating to Lose Weight:

Chicken/Turkey/Ham

Low Fat Sausages

Extra Lean Mince Beef

Vegetables – carrots, broccoli, green beans, peas, sweetcorn, courgettes, cucumber etc.

Fruit – grapes, strawberries, bananas, raspberries, melon.

Cheese – low fat mozzarella, babybel, half fat cheese, light Philadelphia

Yoghurt – low fat, petit filous, greek/fromage frais

Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes

And definitely the most important thing of all and the thing the band is there to help us with:

ONLY EAT WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I did this then I would be losing weight, because I'm rarely hungry.  Actual tummy rumbling to tell me I'm hungry.  Not just, oh, I'm not so full I'm going to pb any more so I can stuff something else in my mouth.  This keeps me at a constant level of full, but because they're sliders they don't cause me to pb or get stuck the way a lot of other, non-slidery food does.  I don't know if I'm too tight because I mostly eat sliders.  I suspect I might be.  The only way for me to test my fill level is to eat proper food and assess whether I can eat properly without pbing.  If I can't then I'll get a small unfill.  Being too tight pushes us to eat sliders because we feel deprived and in need of food.

So step 2 is exercise.  I so admire fellow bandsters like LapBand Gal and adorkbl for their commitment to exercise.  I want 'Every Damn Day' to be my motto and yet I haven't worked out in maybe 2 months??  I feel like jelly and crap because of it.  My muscles have decreased, I don't feel as strong, I just know that my first run after this hiatus will be so hard and set me back a good few months of training.  I was getting so close to running for half an hour and now I need to accept that just 5 or 10 minutes will be a struggle.  I've got my iphone now, I've got the Nike+ running app to track my runs, I've got some new running tights and a new sports bra.  I've got time today.  I should go and run shouldn't I... in the back of my stupid head I'm like, oh but you've already ruined today by eating sweets all morning, why not just ruin the rest of the day.  But that's useless thinking.  I won't get anywhere if I think like that.  Oh dear, help!  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to go for a run.  So there.  Even if it's ever so brief, I'm going to get out there and do it.  I need to pop to the shop to get some milk anyway.  Skinny milk of course!

Ok, I'm so sorry for the psychobabble, nonsense rambling post - just had to get some stuff out of my head.

Love you all xxx

One year Bandiversary!

This is a post we all publish - we have so many expectations and fantasies and goals in mind when we first set out on this path or weight loss with the help of the band.  But I think for most it's always different to what we imagine.

I wanted to be much nearer goal by now and I am feeling a bit forlorn.  I just got Ben to take some comparison pictures of me in my undies (aren't you lucky!) and at first I just felt disgusted and horrified by my big jiggly belly, and the rest.  But then I looked at the photos I took of myself this time last year and the difference is definitely a significant one.

With my mental health being what it is, I think I should feel madly proud of myself.  I am certainly an emotional eater.  I still am.  The band has not changed that.  And the fact that my emotional needs are great, having lost 50lbs (still at 197lbs this morning) is an incredible achievement.

So despite just a bit of disappointment about not being somewhere nearer my goal, I am damn proud and happy with my accomplishments.  And that bit of disappointment shouldn't go to waste, I want to use it to motivate me into getting to goal in my second year of being banded.  I think I accept now that it's just going to take more time than I want it to.  But the wonderful thing about the band is that it (for the most part) keeps you in enough control not to gain everything back as soon as you (temporarily) give up, and that's what has led me to be successful so far.

I wish this had a happier tone, but I'm poorly with a cold, sitting in bed, still trying to shake the negative feelings that bubbled up when I looked at my pictures.  Despite that, I'm posting them so that I can look back and see where I've come from.  And hopefully the photos I take this time next year will make me proud.

Certainly one of the greatest things about this year and the band has been all of you.  I feel like I know you, I think and even sometimes dream about you.  I feel loved and supported and informed by all your stories.  We're all very lucky to have each other through this.  Thank you so much to all my 91 followers, and please, if I'm not following you, leave me a comment with a link to your blog, because I want to be following you back.  And finally to anyone who is recently banded or pre-op or just trying to decide - for me, getting the band was one of the best decisions I've ever made, I haven't regretted it even once and I know that not only would I not have lost 50lbs, but I would've gained and been bigger than ever and more miserable than ever.  So go for it!  Now don't cringe at my photos!

October 2011:

October 2012:

Times of Strife

Darling ones,

I know I have been MIA - been really struggling with shitty family situation - my sister being responsible for the care of her daughter, my beautiful 5 month old niece, Betty - whilst drinking and taking hard drugs.  Totally unbearable and I am furious and disgusted at my sister's behaviour.  I just want to take my niece and give her the loving environment she deserves.

I have been seriously tight the last few weeks and have been surviving on sliders mostly, which is just crap and makes me feel crap.  My bandiversary is on Monday and although I won't have quite reached halfway, my weight had gone back up to over 200lbs and I've managed to lose 3lbs getting me back to my lowest of 197lbs.  Maybe I can make that 196lbs by Monday to at least have a new low to celebrate a year banded.

I haven't done any exercise in a LONG TIME!  I feel like I'm in limbo because we're living with Ben's parents and waiting to find our own place.  Ideally we'll be moving in 3-4 weeks if we manage to find somewhere.  I haven't wanted to blog because I feel like such a failure.  Like I'm not trying hard enough and complaining all the time.  I was up to date with everyone's blogs until about a week ago when I just ran out of time - so much reading to do for uni - but from today I'll be back on track reading and do my best to comment when I can.  If you think of it, send some good vibes my way.  Thinking of you all.

LOVE xxx

A year since Pre-Op

Tomorrow marks one year since the start of my pre-op diet.  TO mark the occasion, I am going to start tracking again.  Haven't tracked for a good while now, not consistently at least.  The move went smoothly but my anxiety and wackybonks went into full overdrive and I was really suffering for a week or so.  Feel a little bit better now but uni starts back up tomorrow so I have more challenges to face.  As a result of all the stress my band was as tight as...a tiger?  I was so sick and stupid, desperate to eat to soothe my misery but pbing everything I put in my mouth til I could hardly tolerate liquids.  Duh, that's the quickest way to fucking up your band.  So I pulled myself together and started taking things slowly slowly, tiniest mouthfuls imaginable.  Sadly, sliders were my only friends in a very gloomy period where I was desperate to eat so I haven't lost any weight due to the tightness, but I haven't gained any either.  After three days of constant pbing, I'm glad to say those days are now a week behind me and I'm doing well.  My portions are little and I can't eat much of anything solid in the mornings.

My aim is to plan and pack everything I need for my days at uni - I have a 2.5hr commute each way but classes are only three days a week and I'll be staying up there on a Thursday night with friends.  That way I know that if I only eat what I've packed then I will be sticking to my calories.  It's also a money saving exercise because money is almost as tight as my band was!!

Our darling Sarah at Fat on the Inside reminded me that I'd set myself a goal to reach half way by my bandiversary.  It's still do-able if I put my head down.  15 days, 3.5lbs.  Bring it.

After a month...

I have lost 0.4lbs - PATHETIC!!  But I am now 50lbs down with a month to go til my 1yr bandiversary.  Not where I wanted to be - BUT - I'm not going to play down the fact I have lost 50lbs, I feel so much better, I look better, I'm fitter and healthier.  57lbs to go...

Get your sweat on!

Please excuse the tan lines and lack of make up!  I look tired, but happy-ish! It's been a little while since I worked out and I'm definitely just coasting along in premature maintenance at the moment.  My flat is full of boxes and all our stuff is packed into the middle of the living room.  I hate it!  I hate clutter and mess.  Only 4 more days til we move though.  My plan is to start running outside once we move in with Ben's mum.  They live in a residential area and once my iphone arrives (YES I FINALLY GOT ONE, CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO GET HERE!!!), I can use running apps to help me along!  And I'll be able to take more pictures for my blog which I'm afraid has been terribly dull of late!  Love x

Another wasted week for weight loss

So the scale is still a lb or two up from my lowest recorded which was 197.8lbs.  I haven't exercised for about a week and a half and I have had such an irritated band all week.  I went on a little trip with my mum to Dorset and it was so lovely, but I find it hard eating out because I don't go as slowly or take small enough bites like I do at home.  I think I get stressed out that the waiting staff will point out my slow eating or try and take my plate before I've finished and it just makes me anxious.  And you know what it's like, if you get stuck and pb then your band is cross with you and it makes everything you eat after that difficult.  Because I was away, I didn't do what I should've done which is to go on liquids for at least a day, so I just kept trying to eat things and kept throwing up - STUPID!  Anyway, that is over with.  I'm home, on liquids and soft foods until I feel better.  I don't usually pb, but I'm not one of the clever/lucky ones who never have or only have once or twice.  I'm certain I've not damaged my band or anything, I just don't want to rely on sliders to feel like I've eaten anything such as I have the last couple of days.

I spent about 4 hours last night catching up on 4 days worth of blogs so my apologies for not commenting for a while, but I'm all caught up now.

I'm moving in a week and a half, my gym membership expires in 4 days, so I really want to go to make the most of the last few days I can get on the treadmill.  Everything's going to be a bit up in the air - my plan not to go off the rails is to track.  Must track and not just eat with wild abandon.

I feel frustrated.

BUT - I have NSVs - went shopping and bought 2 pairs of size 18 (US 14 I think) skinny jeans.  I've never really managed to get skinny jeans on before and if I have they've made me look like a Russian doll, small at the top and bottom and big and round in the middle.  But these look pretty good I think, got a dark blue and a black pair.  I also tried on a load of tops and bought a few, some of which were a size down from my usual 16 to a 14 (US 10) so that's very exciting.  Never in my life have I bought or worn a size 12 (US 8) so that's going to be a very very good day.  I also found it easy peasy walking around for much of the time we were on holiday, this time last year, with the shooting leg pain I used to get, I probably wouldn't have even gone on that holiday for fear of the walking.

LOVE x

Weekends in Blogland

Oh how dull my newsfeed is at the weekend, all of you off enjoying your lives and so few blog posts to keep me entertained.  It's raining and Ben's at work.  I'm going for coffee with one of my best friends in about an hour at our favourite cafe - I think he might be bringing his little dog, Poppy the puppy!  I don't mind the rain at all, in fact I rather like it.  I like feeling cosy, and comfy.  My mum always calls me the princess and the pea (do you know that kid's story?) because I get annoyed if my environment is anything but completely comfortable.  We went to see a couple of movies yesterday, Ted and the Expendables 2 - liked both, the second was just brilliant, total tongue in cheek explosion fest - loved all the references to the actors' most famous movies and I've only just realised how hot Sylvester Stallone is!  I know he's about 40yrs older than me but still!  I watched the original Judge Dredd the other day and he was smokin'!

Food has been increasingly worse the past couple of days - don't know what's the matter with me.  I was so focussed.  I worked out three times this week at home - felt really good about that.  But want to be in the gym, running.  So tomorrow's another Monday, back to basics I shall go.  I must remember it's not about how much I can get away with eating, it's how little.  I'm taking a little trip with my mum this week - Wednesday to Friday - we're going to the West country to visit the birthplace and home of my favourite author Thomas Hardy.  I'm really looking forward to it though it'll be the first time I've spent a night apart from Ben since we moved in together!  Nearly 6 months!  Goodness me I love him!  Hopefully the trip won't send me too much off track and we're going to be doing lots of walking.  My mum's a pretty health conscious person too, so that'll help.  Anyway, weigh in tomorrow is going to be shit.  I just have to pick myself up and learn from it.  Love to you all xxx

Where's your head at?

I don't know what's going on these past couple of days - I don't know where my head is - just can't seem to focus.  I make a food decision like making flapjacks "for Ben" and then eating shit loads of them before I've even thought about it - like I'm not conscious during the decision making process.  It's so frustrating.  I'm not trying to back out of responsibility for my actions, not at all - it's just that my mind needs to catch up with my hands and mouth otherwise these stupid foods are going to keep being eaten!

Weekly Goals

So the scale was up this week, a lb and a bit.  It's ok - I can deal with it.  I pb'd a couple of times, still getting used to this fill and that led to uber tight irritated band which made it hard to eat properly so I resorted to sliders (chips and salsa anyone?!) and I only got in one work out and had three family events in three days.  So it's a blip and I'm ok about it.

Goals for this week:

No alcohol - I'm not a big drinker, but I get very anxious in social situations and find myself drinking to calm down which is silly.  So I'm just gonna say no.
Gym - I'm going to aim for 4 x this week - but may substitute for a home work out if I'm feeling like I can't leave the house.  I want to work more consistently on my running because when I don't do it regularly it's impossible to make any progress and then I feel like a failure when I can't run as long as I did the time before.
Tracking - I start each day well, tracking my breakfast etc, but particularly if I'm out and don't know the exact calorie count of my meal, I give up tracking for the day and then it turns into a bit of a free for all.  So my new plan is, if you're not willing to track it, don't eat it!
Water - Because I've been really tight this week I've found it hard to get my water in.  3 litres a day, no excuses.

Love to you all, Jellybeans xxx

FTF

Hey jellybeans, I didn't manage to do a TTT yesterday, so we'll have Five Things Friday instead.

1. I haven't worked out at all this week - pathetic!  To be fair I had a really busy Mon-Wed, but yesterday I was just a complete slug and did nothing all day!  To make up for it, after I've finished this post I am heading out the door (best put some clothes on first!) and hitting the gym for at least an hour of cardio and some strength.
2. Got my hair cut - doesn't look much different, just more layers and a bit more shaping round my face.  I like.  Planning to get the colour done soon too, bit darker with some coppery tones.
3. I've been having some shoulder pain like the post-surgery gas pains, and the occasional band/stomach pain at the same time.  I had half a diet coke on Wednesday and was in agony all evening so maybe it was the bubbles but there have been a bunch of other times I've had something fizzy and haven't had pain.  Have any of you had shoulder pain since surgery?
4. I've got a busy weekend coming up, Ben's mum's birthday on Saturday, his Dad coming for dinner on Sunday and a party at my Mum's on Monday for the bank holiday.  Busy busy - hoping to fit at least one gym session in, probably Sunday morning.
5. Haven't seen anything as low as last week's weigh in on the scale from all my sneaky peeks - it's getting me a bit down.  My eating hasn't been perfect every day, had lunch and dinner out on Tuesday, but my recent fill is definitely helping me eat less at mealtimes.  I guess no exercise isn't helping and I haven't got all my water in the last couple of days.  I'm hoping for a loss of at least 0.8lbs so I can reach my 50lbs lost goal.  Fingers crossed! xxx

ONEDERLAND!!!

I made it!!  Hurrah!!  I didn't see anything lower than 201lbs all week, until Sunday morning and was desperate for it to stick - and it did!!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Last Week's Weight: 14st4.2lbs (200.2lbs)
Current Weight: 14st1.8lbs (197.8lbs)
Loss: 2.4lbs!!
Total Loss: 49.2lbs!




I am so so pleased with 2.4lbs - not only to I ace my way into the 100s, I'm also only 0.8lbs away from having lost 50lbs, 2lbs away from being in the 13 stones, and 5lbs away from being halfway!!!  Some exciting achievements coming my way in the next couple of weeks!!

Binge

Hey jellybeans - I'm feeling a bit deflated.  Have had a crappy few days on the eating front.  I ate a lot of homemade cookies.  They were meant to be for Ben but I scoffed them, despite them giving me heartburn.  I just couldn't resist the craving, knowing they were in the kitchen.  I should've just thrown them away.  But I didn't, I used myself as a human dustbin instead.  And when I eat crap, I stop tracking and use it as an excuse to overeat at all other meals.  I had cheesecake for fuck's sake!

BUT...

I'm putting a stop to that now.  The cookies are all gone, I've weighed out and tracked my breakfast so far, I'm going to go to the gym later (4th time this week - very happy about that!) and I've planned out my food for the rest of the day.  So I probably won't be seeing onederland this week, I might even see a gain.  But I'm not going to let that be an excuse to give up.  I'm going forwards because I am not done.  Not yet. x

So Close!

Arghhh!  I was so close to Onederland - in fact I saw it one day last week.  But alas, it was not to remain.  For now!  You just wait onderland and all of you who reside there, I'm a'comin'!

HOWEVER - I did have an awesome weight loss week compared to ALL the weeks of this year.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Weight Last Week: 14st7.4lbs (203.4lbs)
Current Weight: 14st4.2lbs (200.2lbs)
This Week's Loss: 3.2lbs!!!
Total Loss: 3st5lbs (47lbs)

I was 0.4lbs away!!  No matter.  My fill is good!  I had one day where I got stuck and pb'd at lunch time, but had soup for dinner and am all better now.  I'm now much tighter in the morning and get gradually looser until the evening when I can eat more or less like I did before the fill, maybe slightly less.  However, I didn't work out for a whole week.  I don't know why really.  Was much busier than usual (which is by no means as busy as most people) but with business comes extreme stress and an exacerbation of my wacky-bonks (that's what I call my mental health issues) - and I think I felt I needed to just rest.  But that didn't get me to onederland and I want to lose the weight through diet and exercise not just diet.  Not just because it helps speed up the weight loss - but also because I want, more than anything, to be fit, and to be toned and to help my mind feel better.  So today I went to the gym, ran for 15 minutes (was aiming for 22 but just lost it and couldn't carry on), 30mins on the bike keeping my RPM between 70 - 80 the whole time.  Then did 10 minutes on the arm-cycle thing - anyone know the real name for this?  Then 50 squats (mixture of normal and sumo with the exercise ball between me and the wall), 50 crunches (mixture of normal, side and reverse) and 15 girl press-ups.  I was SWEATY.  Felt fantastic. Drank loads of water.  Actually speaking of water, I'm really good at drinking lots of it.  I hate even the hint of thirstiness, so try and keep really hydrated - I probably drink 3-3.5litres a day.  Gross as it may sound, I frequently check my wee colour to make sure it's as close to see through as possible.  If it is, I know I'm drinking enough.  Anyone else do this or am I super weird?

Love you all xxx

Mon Visage

What a difference a year makes!  On the left is me last August, almost at my heaviest - I was probably about 240lbs.  And on the right is me last night at a lovely balcony bbq.  It would seem I didn't really have a neck back then, now my face looks much thinner thank goodness!!  I've got a long way to go but I can really see the changes.

TTT - or 'titty' as I like to call it!

Hi there you hard working and gorgeous jelly beans!  Why thank you lovely Laura Belle for TITTY!!!

1. I had fill number 4 on Tuesday - my nurse (who I LOVE) said she thought that was very few fills for someone 10 months out.  She also said other nice things - I was being down on myself because I'd only lost a few lbs since my last appointment all the way back in FEBRUARY - a hundred million years ago - but she said I was doing well, the scale had gone down not up and I should be happy that I've lost nearly 50% of my excess weight in less than a year.  I got 0.5cc for a total of 7.5cc in my 10cc band.  So far so good.  I was told to do liquids for 24hrs and mushies for 24hrs and I was HUNGRY on liquids.  Today though, 1/2 can of tuna and a plum kept me happy for nearly 4 hours.  I'm happy with that!
2. As a reward of my self control the scale is getting exciting...but you're just going to have to wait and see!!!
3. I just ate some spicy chicken and some ratatouille - yum - I was eating for about 35 minutes - I've read that a lot of people stop after 20 or 30 mins - what do you all do and does limiting your time help?
4. The boy and I will be moving out of our current flat by 23rd september and have decided to move in with his mum and step-dad for 4-6 weeks before getting our own place.  At the moment we're just struggling so much with money, that a month or so rent and bills free (lovely parents!) will help us pay off a bit of overdraft/debt and make life a bit more comfortable when we do move.  It'll also give enough time for us to get our deposit back from the current flat and time to look for flats without travelling an hour at a time to get over there while we still live here.  Luckily, my "in laws" are the sweetest, least judgemental, friendliest people so although it's not ideal, I am very happy to have such lovely new family.
5. After my 1.5 mile run I've found myself a busy busy bee and haven't worked out (apart from walking) for three days - tomorrow I'm making that treadmill my bitch!
6. I really love you all.  Just saying.
7. Oh yes!  Some of our favourite bloggers (Ronnie and MandaPanda, I mean you!) blogged about making fitness goals to work towards - others have since followed suit and I am INSPIRED!  So here we go:  I want to be able to run a 5k on the treadmill by Christmas - I don't really mind how long it takes, if I stay at my current 14 minute mile it'll take 42 minutes, but I'd love to get my speed up a couple of points as well.  That's it for starters.  There will be more.
8. I spent some of today with my niece, Betty.  She's 3 months old and just amazing - I'm totally in love with her.
9. Sadly my sister who suffers from bipolar and alcoholism and struggled to cope after Betty was born because she was taken off one of her essential medications, a mood stabiliser in order to breastfeed.  Unfortunately she went quickly down hill and has now been admitted to a psychiatric mother and baby care unit.  They've been there for nearly 2 weeks and the average stay is 6 weeks.  It's been very painful for me and my family.  Every instinct in my body tells me I must protect Betty, and I just can't...I have to accept that she's my sister's priority not mine, and that I have to trust my sister to take care of her.  But she hasn't been...she's struggled to look after her and it makes me practically writhe in agony that I can't just take Betty off her hands for a while, to bring her home and take care of her until my sister's better.  It's all very tough.
10. On a lighter note - I'm feeling motivated and excited about my weight loss - fingers crossed I can continue to work hard and will shoot down the scale like a wild goose in a bobsled! x

Ta Da!

Good morning jellybeans,

As expected, I was up on the scale today, but only by 0.4lbs (making me 203.4lbs) so not as bad as the last couple of days which were showing a lb higher than that.  It's easy to blame it all on the TOM but I had some good days and some bad days.  I had some days where every meal was on point but I ate a bag of sweets in a mad hurry on the train because I felt very upset (a LOT of shit going on with my sister at the moment).  So it wasn't a perfect week, but every day that is better than the last is progress.  

Anyway, so instead of being pissed off or upset by the scale not being down this week, an hour after seeing the number, at 9am ( I am NOT a morning person), I went to the gym - and guess what........

I RAN 1.5 miles!!!  It took me just over 21 minutes (might as well have been walking!) but I did it, and the whole time I was on the treadmill, I told myself I could do it.  Over and over again.  It is such a mental game with me.  If I get on that treadmill and baby myself, saying 'oh, you're a bit tired today and at least you're here - you probably won't last more than 10 minutes so it's ok to stop there' - I will never progress.  Instead, with my new sports bra in place (good though less supportive of the big girls than my other one), I just went for it and conquered!!!  

So I'm feeling rather smug.  I'm really looking forward to getting my fill tomorrow, I've been in a bit of, let's see how much we can get away with eating, mode and what I really want is to see how little the band helps me to survive on whilst still nourishing me and giving me the energy I need to live and exercise.

Big love to all x

About time!

After seven months at my current fill level, I'm heading to London on Tuesday for a fill.  I constantly want to eat and pretty much can.  I had a good chat with my dietician and she agreed that the right portion size isn't satisfying me which is leading me to seek more food.  I'm nervous because when I first got this fill back in Feb I was really tight for the first few weeks.  Though the tightness was exacerbated by pb-ing and going back to solids too soon.  I'm hoping for just a little fill - I think I've got quite a bit in my 10cc band, 6 or 7ccs I think.  But I think it will help kick start me again and remind me of the basic bandster rules and a drop on the scale due to liquids will hopefully provide a psychological boost.  It's TOM and I'm feeling bloated and sorry for myself and the scale is reporting more than a lb up from last week which completely demotivated me and led to me eating more.  Stupid scale.  I'm desperate to get past the half way point.  Sooner rather than later but at least by my 1 year bandiversary on the 15th October.  But I'd really like to be further along. I worked out 4 days in a row this week, and then when I saw that period induced gain on friday I kind of gave up with everything, isn't that silly!  But an NSV - I beat my longest run!  Previously it had been 15 mins and I got it up to 16.5 mins on Thursday!  I really want to be able to run 5k by Christmas.  Love x

Downtown

That's where I'm headed!  So after the horror of last Monday's unmentionable gain (!!!) I have now weighed in a week later to a much kinder number.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Weight a fortnight ago: 14st8.2lbs (204.2lbs)
Current Weight: 14st7lbs (203lbs)
Loss: 1.2lbs
Total Loss: 44lbs.

Only 10lbs to go until I reach half way.  I'm going to get there, no matter what.  I've been working out, did a Zumba dvd - was hilarious!  I was flailing around in hysterics because I kept getting the moves wrong or tripping over the rug or having to pause it because the plumber was calling me.  Thank goodness no one was there to witness my calamitous attempt to boogie.  But I got a good sweat on for 50 minutes and was in a really good mood afterwards!  Must make it to a class soon so I can flail around with other sweaty people with mirrors everywhere so we can all see each other humiliate ourselves!

Sleepy head

I'm writing this whilst wrapped up in my pink and white striped fluffy dressing gown, it's 9.15am, and I am sleepy!  After a night of dreams in which someone was trying to kill me over and over again, I don't think I got all that much rest.  As you can see I missed posting about my weekly weigh in on Monday.  This is because it was not nice.  We went away for the weekend to stay with Ben's family and it was just really hard to stay on track and then I lost focussed and stopped thinking about what I was doing.  I had a doughnut for God's sake!  We did have a lovely weekend though, we've decided to move back to where all our friends and family are, we're a couple of towns over at the moment so it takes about an hour to see anyone.  So come September we'll be back with all our loved ones!
So back to the weigh in...I didn't drink anywhere near enough water, I had salty chips, and I got awful sunburn.  So weigh in on Monday had me back up to 207.something and I felt totally deflated.  I weighed yesterday and was down to 204.something so hopefully next Monday's weigh in will show a new low number.  I've been struggling to get my head straight the last couple of days, but I'm not going to let the scale control my actions and I'm gonna get back in the game!
I have another post brewing, I've got a lot of family shit going on - but I'll save it for another day.  In the meantime, I dreamt about some of my bloggy friends the other night!!  Rachel, our gorgeous Parisian skinnyfish, Reggie, JRD, VickyD - they were all in my dream, we were all having lunch in a pretty garden in a stranger's house.  Weird!  But lovely because it made me feel a little but closer to you all!
Love x

Anxiety and Exercise

I've just read our darling Drazil's post about her anxiety and recent panic attack, I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about mine a little bit.  It's not always easy to explain the anxiety, in no small part because so much of it is terribly irrational.

My anxiety makes every day difficult.  It makes everyday tasks difficult.  It makes living my life difficult.  By the end of my degree this time next year, I will have spent 5 years and 2 gap years to get through a 3 year degree.  It is so hard for me to go to my classes.  I can usually manage the lectures where there are lots of people and no one's looking at you or expecting anything of you, but the seminars made up of about 15 people are almost impossible for me.  They're also compulsory.

My anxiety makes it nearly impossible to get and/or keep a job.  I have to overcome so much to even apply for a job, I certainly couldn't make a phone call to a potential employer.  Then to get to an interview usually takes more than I have.  I have had jobs, several since I was 18, a moment of extreme boldness has got them for me, but rarely have I been able to keep them for more than a few months.  Usually I spent lunch breaks crying, chain smoking, desperately calling my mum begging for help.  The last job I had was at the end of 2010, I went on a break one day and just couldn't make myself go back in.  My legs just wouldn't carry me back in there.  Instead I found myself at the bus stop, then on the bus, then in my bed where I stayed for three days crying.  This terrifies me.  If I can't overcome this, how the hell am I going to make money, how am I going to live.  I can only just get by at the moment with my student loan and help from my mum.

I could let my anxiety get in the way of my workouts.  There are some days where I just can't leave the house.  I just sometimes don't have the courage.  I spend a lot of time on my sofa.  My gym is only a 15 minute walk away, but it sometimes feels too much to get there, stay there, and get back.  Too many people to encounter, what if I suddenly freak out or have a panic attack in front of everyone.  It's horrible to be confined to my flat, but if I'm going to be, I'm still going to get my workout in.  I do step aerobics at home, I do a resistance routine of squats and crunches and lunges and bicep curls etc, I do Jillian, I jog on the spot.  I've just borrowed some more exercise dvds from my sister, including Zumba ones.  Good to have the variety.

So today, despite it being a day where I couldn't make it to the gym, I did 60 very sweaty minutes of cardio and strength and was very proud of myself.  I'm not going to let my anxiety prevent my mission for fitness, because honestly, fitness is what I want most out of all of this.  I remember before surgery, I was so much less mobile than I'd ever been in my life.  I was 23, and couldn't walk without stabbing pains in my legs.  So mobility, freedom to move is my mission. x

Still raining...

Monday - I don't always know what day it is, you know.  I have no schedule now that uni's out for summer. I weighed in this morning after a week of two halves.  Started really well but then I had a friend to stay for a couple of days (she doesn't know about the band) and it was a little harder to stick to my usual food/exercise routine and then, I don't know why but I had a little binge on Saturday, it came out of nowhere and was very sudden - but luckily it didn't derail me for the rest of the day.  It didn't lead to more binging or deprivation to make up for it which is the cycle I'm learning to refuse.  And so, I was definitely pleased with this week's weigh in.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Last Week's Weight: 14st9.6lbs (205.6lbs)
Current Weight: 14st8.2lbs (204.2lbs)
This Week's Loss: 1.4lbs
Total loss: 43lbs

Down to new territory for the second week in a row - it's been a while.  I'm happy about this and for the first time in a while I believe that I'll keep going down.  I've been working out and eating well, though could do with upping my protein.

My darling boyfriend is struggling a bit at the moment with some confidence issues, it's heart breaking to see him cry and be so hard on himself - all I can do is give him my all, be his support and help him with whatever he needs.  I love him so much, he is the kindest, sweetest man I've ever met.  I came home last week to a huge bunch of red roses, nearly cried!

Love you all, hopefully I won't get swept away in the rain and will post again soon. x

Weigh In!!

Yahoooooooooooooo!  I finally lost some weight!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Weight Last Week: 14st13.4lbs (209.4lbs)
Current Weight: 14st9.6lbs (205.6lbs)
This Week's Loss: 3.8lbs!!
Total Loss: 3st (42lbs).

Lots of numbers there!  But I lost 3.8lbs this week and I finally hit 3st lost.  It's so wonderful seeing a new number on the scale and I am determined to keep going down!

Next stop - onederland!!

I'm just a teensy bit excited!

For 2 reasons :

1. Federer/Murray Wimbledon final tomorrow - CAN'T WAIT - did I mention I LOVE tennis.  Sorry for the lack of patriotism, but I want Federer to win!
2. I may have had a little sneaky peek at the scale and it's looking goooood!  Somewhere in the midst of my desperation and despair I found my motivation again and I'm utilising it!  I've been working out and tracking - I saw a new low on the scale and I'm just hoping it sticks for my weigh in on Monday morning.

I haven't been commenting quite as much as I would like - but I've been reading.  Can I just say - how fabulous does JRD look in her red capris!!?  Wish I had a pair.  I did buy a gorgeous new grey/brown leopard print dress made of lovely sheer layers with a cross back.  I'll get the boy to take a picture.  Must put more pics on the blog.

Love you all - have a great weekend x

Rainy Days

From what I hear in blogland it's pretty baking hot in the States - no such luck here - it's been raining for 2 days, grim.  Despite that I have been exercising, improved my 10k on the stationary bike at the gym by 2.5 minutes taking it down to 34.44 - how does that compare?  I've also started tracking again.  I know it's not bloody rocket science, but Kristin's comment, just asking if I was tracking, made me think - just do it already.  I stopped because I got fed up of typing in all the crap I've been eating and seeing the numbers add up.  So to fix the problem, instead of not tracking, I thought maybe I'd not eat all the crap and go back to planning and tracking 1200 cals a day.  So simple.  Such a mental game.  I did good today, have been feeling pretty miserable today and didn't have much to do so was bored as well.  I really wanted to EAT all the sweet things I could find.  But I didn't, I had a big cup of tea and watched The Notebook to get some tears out.

On to more important matters - we have a wonderful new blogger in our midst!!  Please stop over at her blog - http://bsbandedmama.blogspot.co.uk/ - Theresa is getting banded TOMORROW!!  She could really do with some BOOBs love and support just like we all did when we started.

Big love and Happy 4th July to all of you x

TTT/TTF

1. It's been ages since I posted - again - I'm bored of myself, apologising for not posting in ages or commenting enough - so I'm just gonna get on with it and post and not apologise for my absence - I have been reading though - I'm here and loving and missing you all.
2. I haven't lost any real weight for about 6 months.
3. This makes me really miserable and I feel stuck and hopeless and a failure and like I can't even do this despite surgery and therefore I will be obese forever.
4. I discovered Pinterest which may explain my absence from blogland - I am obsessed!
5. My gym visits have been sporadic at best but I'm still trying and mostly succeeding to run a mile in under 15 minutes each time I go - plus using the stationary bike etc.
6. I can't seem to control my eating - I still think I have a fairly good level of restriction though I notice I can definitely eat more than I could in the first few months after my fill (back in Feb)
7. Maybe I should get a fill?
8. It's summer - I don't have anything to do.  I'm finished at uni until October.  I need to get a job, but my anxiety and mental health makes it so so difficult - if I could change just one thing, it would be this.
9. Wimbledon!!!  I am the BIGGEST tennis fan I know, favourites being Rafa and Roger, devastated the Rafa got knocked out yesterday but will of course continue to watch avidly much to my boyfriend's disappointment.
10. I really want to lose more weight - why can't I get my head in gear?  But on the plus side, I kick arse at maintaining. x

Mental Shift and an Uber-NSV

My darling flaffodils (my preferred word for daffodils, so what?!), but seeing as I now have my first male follower ( Hi Jim!), I should also address him with a manlier flower, like...a dandelion, or a cactus!

Anywaaaaaay...weird.  My first port of call today is to say thank you to you all for your lovely, supportive, encouraging comments on my last post.  I was so pissed off.  In particular, I want to thank Kristin (http://myjourneybeingbanded.blogspot.co.uk/) for her kind words and for directing me to her series of 'Holy Grail' posts which have done so much to help me this week.  If you haven't read them, go read them.  I think that over time, and with re-reading, different things about Kristin's posts will inspire me and become significant, but for now, the thing I want to focus on, the thing I feel I need the most, is to find some semblance of balance.
Our fabulous JRD just mentioned in her most recent about needing to find balance because life and our motivation and our moods, are ALWAYS going to go up and down.  As is life.

I am a complete all or nothing person.  With everything.  And I also believe I'll fail at everything (great self-esteem right?!)  SO - if I'm going to fail, and thus not do anything perfectly, why do anything at all.  This is why I'm half-arseing my way through my degree, because if I try my best and don't do it 'perfectly' then it seems like the end of the world or something.  In terms of my band and losing weight, in my head I'm either perfectly on track - not going over my calories (not even once), exercising 5 days a week and losing 2lbs religiously (and you can't even guarantee that last one no matter what you do!) - OR - off the wagon and using that as a justification for eating everything and anything (within the band's limits of course).  For example, when I'm not on track and I'm at the supermarket, I look at the things that are really bad for me, that if I'm honest, generally make me feel ill (too much fat since banding makes me feel quite nauseas), and think, I best get them now and eat them all at once while I'm off track because I can't have it when I'm on track.

All that this all or nothing madness is doing is causing failure and self-hatred.  Whenever I thought of the classic Einstein quote (the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results), I always thought it just applied to my binge/fat self - but actually I have to apply it to the bigger picture - if I continue the all or nothing self, I'm always going to get the same results, which currently is this maintenance I've been experiencing for 6 months.  And yes it's good that I've pretty much maintained, apart from those few pesky lbs, but this isn't how I want to do it when I do finally get to goal.

SO - with all this in mind - I have to come up with a new strategy and mindset.  For now, I'm changing three things:

1. Only weigh in once a week (instead of every day as per usual).  I never wanted to admit that I was affected intensely by the number on the scale, but I am.  If it's up, I hate it and want to give up.  Instead of looking at my daily fluctuations, I'm going to hope for an overall downward trend.  Any loss is a loss.  I've got to stop looking at 2lbs a week as the only success.  A gentle, gradual decrease in my weight is ok.  It has to be ok because the way I was looking at it before was hurting me.
2. Exercise to make me happy.  I want to achieve things in my exercise and fitness.  I want to succeed through hard work and perseverance.  I really like the feeling when I finish my workout, knowing that I did a positive thing for my body and my mind, I took a step in the right direction.
3. Just for now, I'm not going to count calories or necessarily track, just for now I want to get out of the rigid diet perfectly mentality.  I'm really going to try and listen to what my body wants and needs.  I particularly want to get rid of 'last chance' binges which make me feel like shit, are no good for my band or for my mental health.  I know I'm an emotional eater, so I'm just going to try and slow down and think and address those moments when they come.  I'm going to try and stick to bandster portions, 3 meals a day, 2 snacks and do my best to get my protein and fruit and veg in, and hopefully just feed my body with what it needs, not what my tastebuds of my emotions desire.

I don't expect this necessarily to lead to weight loss straight away, and that hard for me to come to terms with, but in the long run, I'm addressing what has been wrong and finding a new way to go about things.

So last Wednesday I weighed in, 208.6lbs, only 0.8lbs from my recent lowest, and I'll update you this coming Wednesday as to what the scale has to say.

I leave you with my biggest NSV to date...

I RAN A MILE!!!

My first ever mile, about 14.5mins, so hardly the speed of light, but it's the furthest I've ever run and I stopped at 15 minutes, 4 minutes longer than my longest run of 11mins back in January.  I am beyond proud of myself and I'm going to try and do it again tomorrow!!

LOVE x

70th Post and a Discovery.

This is my 70th post - I think I've blogging for about 10 months - I'm 10 days off my 8 month bandiversary and I've lost just shy of 40lbs.  What pisses me off is that I had lost just shy of 40lbs 6 months ago.  Nothing has happened for nearly all of my banded life.  I can't change what has been.  I can only affect what will be.

As you will know from recent posts, I recommitted for Phase 2.  I have already fucked up Phase 2.  It went wrong two weeks ago when I went to Alton Towers, a theme park in the north of England.  We were only away for a couple of days with friends and had a great time (including me being so brave that I was able to spend an afternoon at a water park in nothing but my purple swim suit!), but after a pretty good fortnight and a loss of 4lbs, I felt out of control and started eating badly again and then some how rationalised just waiting til after my birthday (Monday 28th May) to get back on track.  So that's what I did - Wednesday 30th was Phase 2:1 and it went great for three days, I was in the gym every morning before 9am (early for me!) and eating was good again.  Until I had a really bad mental health day on Saturday and fell off the wagon again.  When I weighed in on the 30th for my restart, I had gone all the way back up to 213.6lbs!  Higher than I was when I began Phase 2 and a gain of about 5lbs in a week!  This morning I was 209.4lbs.

I AM SO FED UP OF ALL THIS!

So what can I learn from the past month?  One mistake leads to a throwing in of the towel.  If I can't do things exactly as I planned (e.g. if I end up going out for dinner with friends rather than have my planned chicken at home or whatever), I feel like I'm no longer in control and that it'll take lots of planning and a specific date to start again.  When I have a particularly difficult mental health day (sadly they are frequent), that I'm still relying on food to make it better.  I sometimes just feel so panicked, so out of control that I have to do something to help it in the moment, in the past that has been self-harm, but I am desperately trying to make that part of my history not my present, so the only other behaviour to get past the feeling that I've learnt is to eat.

I WANT TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT.  I WANT TO GET TO GOAL.

I've been really enjoying the benefits of exercising more.  I've been working really hard at the gym and I feel stronger and fitter which is AWESOME!  It's not become enough of a habit for me to jump up raring to go every day though.  I know that if I just keep going then I will get there!

I'm pretty much in charge of all the meals, my man is very easy going (obviously likes man food) but he can just have some fries with his dinner or whatever while I stick to the protein and veg - on the good days, it's been really good!  Aiming for 1200 calories, 70g protein, loads of water, loads of veg.  It's so frustrating that just a few mistakes send me off onto 2500 calorie days of chocolate and sweets and biscuits (aren't we lucky that these are our sliders!)  Generally I reckon I'm at the sweet spot.  I can't eat more than a cup of food.  I can't really eat much bread, pasta, rice or fries/potato wedges/any potato product apart from really skinny crispy fries and mash.  I'm very very happy that I can still eat salad, I've heard a lot of people have problems with lettuce in particular.  Salad is a big favourite and I eat it for lunch every day.  Pretty much the only time I PB now is when eating with other people who don't know about the band - I panic that I'm going too slowly and that someone will say something.  Obviously I try and avoid worrying about it because as we all know pb'ing is gross and horrid and can affect your ability to eat solid food without throwing up more.

What it comes down to - and this is the discovery - though it was so obvious that I should be given a dumbass award - I am scared of failure.  And so, because I'm scared I'll fail when trying my absolute hardest and putting my all into it, I create a self fulfilling prophecy by sabotaging myself.  It's not astrophysics!  This is the exact same problem I have with every other area of my life.

How do you get past this?

Love you all x

Weigh In

Dearest daisies, I'm a day late on posting my Week 2 of Phase 2 weigh in, but here it is

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 14st11.8lbs (207.8lbs)
Loss this Week: 1.4lbs
Total Loss: 39.2lbs

So it's a loss - and I'm very happy with that.  That's two weeks down with weight loss each week.  I had a binge on Sunday - was in a terrible state and ate a load of cookies and stuff.  So to still get a weight loss is great.  Other than that moment of stress induced weakness, I've been continuing to do well, been focusing on getting lots of salad and fruit and veg as well as meeting my protein quota every day.  It's good.  I've been exercising, but I'd like to make it a bit more regular, give myself more of a routine, so I know that at a specific time on a specific day I'll be working out.

I'm going to make a pledge today to comment more on your posts, because I've just about got back up to speed with reading them.  I feel a bit out of the loop and hopefully once I get my commenting back on I'll hear more from you guys and really benefit from the accountability blogging provides.

Big smoochy wet kissy love x

BYOCray-Cray

1. What religion were you raised as a child, if any, and are you still a member of that faith today? Why or why not?


I wasn't brought up with any religion, though I went to a Church of England school so there was a light presence.  My parents aren't religious and despite a few trips to church to see if it made me feel anything, I felt nothing and so have not pursued it.  My sister however, became a Christian about 7 or 8 years ago and I do my best to respect her faith and do my best to understand it.  In order to make sure I'm maintaining respect for her and all other believers, instead of just saying that God doesn't exist (my opinion), I try to imagine the the existence of God is both true (for believers like my sister) and not true (for me) at the same time.  HOWEVER, I'm talking here about a Christian God, or a God of any organised religion - but I like to imagine that there is some designer and some one in charge of the fate of us all.


2. Do you have an all time favorite candy or do you change favorites often?


Oh my goodness - CANDY!!  Not that we call it that here, but sweets and chocolate are my crack!  I've probably mentioned Haribo Tangfastics on here before, I don't know if you have these in the States - they're sour!!  I could eat sour fizzy sweets all day forever!  But I don't anymore!  I also love Cadbury's chocolate in all forms.


3. Are you a green thumb? Do you landscape your yard or plant any flowers or a garden? Do you pay someone to do it for you? Do you not plant a single thing?


I don't know if I've ever done any gardening, I've never even mown a lawn.  We only had a little garden at my parent's house and since then I've either not had a garden or the one house I lived in that did have one, had a gardener come once a month.  I think I might like it.  I love flowers, they're beautiful and I like the idea of growing some veg...one day when I have a garden of my own!  But from the amount of work Draz has to do on hers, I may keep it simple!


4. Let’s just say you were a tattoo junkie and you were planning your next tat and it had to be words only. What words would you choose? A quote? Phrase? One word? Would you do it in English or a different language?


Well, I have one wordy tattoo already, it says 'Temporarily Lost at Sea' in beautiful Edwardian Script on my right shoulder blade.  I got it Jan '11 and I love it so much!  I really want more tattoos and all of them are words rather than pictures, I don't feel connected to images in the same way I do words.  A couple of things I want... from a song by 'Beirut' called 'Nantes' - 'I will gamble away my frights' and 'Away from you I hold hands with the air' from a poem by Carol Ann Duffy, our poet laureate.  


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.


Have so enjoyed spending time with my new niece!  Since I moved in March I'm now 40mins away on the train so I haven't been able to see her every day, but she is gorgeous and getting more and more animated and responsive by the day!
I've got my final exam on Monday and it's a really really difficult one that I don't know anything about, I'm procrastinating as usual - don't want to do it, hate it, get rid of it for me...please?
My darling man has been struggling a bit at work and it's made him pretty miserable and he feels a bit distant at the moment, so just trying to deal with that - find a way to help up and us through it.
Been eating great every day since I began phase 2, no fuck ups!  I think planned treats are helping!  And exercise is getting better and better, I was in the gym at 8am this morning!  I ran for 10 mins out of 16 to make up a mile and I'm aiming to improve on that time every time I go.
Love you all pickles xxx

Workout Wednesday!

I've been doing...THIS!

And I am IMPROVING!!!  Any of you use Jillian?  I think I love her!  I'm still only on Level 1, but after a week and a half of it and the gym and using my stepper at home, I'm starting to feel fitter and stronger and the exercises are becoming more manageable.  This is very exciting because it means changes are happening, forwards is where I'm going!  At last!  After months of stagnancy!  

On the food side of things - also going VERY WELL.  Sticking to 1200kcal per day, 60-80g protein.  Been eating Greek yoghurt, chicken, lots of salad, tuna, grapes, babybel cheeses, yoghurt - yum!  Plus a treat every day if I've got calories left for it.  

Hope everyone's feeling good on this, Workout Wednesday (thanks Cat!)

Weigh In One of Phase Two

Ok...so I did good - but! the scale is 1.4lbs up from what it said yesterday which is pissing me off because I don't know what to put it down to and it had to be on weigh in day that my weight was up.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 14st13lbs (209.2lbs)
Loss this Week: 2.6lbs
Total loss: 37.8lbs

Yesterday the scale said 207.8lbs and I really wanted to claim that today because I was so close to being rid of the weight I'd gained in my time off the bandwagon.  But - never fear, I'm not giving up!!  I'm going to just keep on going and working out and planning my meals and sticking to my calories and the scale will keep going down.  And hey, I can't possible turn my nose up at 2.6lbs lost can I.  It's the first week I've lost that much since maybe January or even December!  And the weeks will add up and one day, I won't see the fat mess I see in the mirror right now, I'll see a fit and strong and healthy version of myself.  And I'll be proud because I know I worked hard for it.  It's just so exhausting not feeding my emotions.  I've been such a mess the past couple of days.  It's scary to lose your vice, your crutch and have nothing to replace it with.
I'm gradually catching up with you all and will keep going and get back to commenting.  Love x

Phase 2 - Woohoo!

Hi there gorgeous tulips!  I gotta say, phase 2 is going REALLY well!!!  I'm so so relieved because over the last 3-4 months that I've been off track, I've often decided to recommit only to screw up by the end of the first day and give up.  Sound familiar?  That's exactly what we all did over and over again pre-band.  I can't pinpoint why this time is working, but I'm not going to question it!  I've been planning my food for the next day every night before bed and have been sticking to 1200-1300kcal a day, thoroughly tracked, no sneaky extras! I'm also really focussing on protein, getting at least 60g, but aiming for 80g.

One of the reasons for this strong focus on protein is because, to my horror, my hair is falling out!!  OH NO!  I have fine hair, but a lot of it, so luckily I haven't had any patches or any baldy bits (THANK GOD) but my pony tail feels a lot thinner than it used to.  I'm trying not to panic, and from what I've read up online, it should just be a cycle and will be ok, as long as I address the protein deficiency.  I'm sure I was getting hardly anywhere near enough protein during my off track months, where I was eating plenty of calories but most of it was sweets and chocolate and popcorn.

So as you can see from my ticker, I gained 5lbs from my lowest of 14st11lbs (207lbs) - on Monday when I weighed in for the start of phase 2, I was 15st2lbs (212lbs).  I'm weighing each day, can't seem to help it, and the scale is going down!!  I'm always using the lbs function instead of the stones because it measures to the nearest .2 of a lb.  So in fact I was 211.8lbs on Monday.

Exercise is going pretty well, it started slow at the beginning of the week, but I joined the gym on Monday, it's a great membership that gives you access to 4 different gyms, swimming and loads of exercise classes including a weight loss bootcamp and zumba.  It's going to take a bit of courage to start going to the classes, just coz I don't know what to expect and going on my own is scary, and what if I can't keep up!?  Do you worry about whether or not you'll be able to keep up and whether you'll embarrass yourself when you go to a new class?  But anyway, I was at the gym at 8am this morning (the time it opens) - and I am not a morning person!  But I did good!  Just got to keep going, harness this motivation and remind myself constantly of why I'm doing this.  I've spent too many months not losing weight and I'm so up for phase 2 to carry on! x

I'm Back!

Well hi gorgeous ladies, I have returned!  I'm sorry for my absence and lack of reading and commenting, it's been a pretty hellish few weeks, but I'm starting to feel better now that I only have one exam left, the pressure is less for now.  While I was away I became an Aunty!!  My big sister gave birth to tiny Betty, just 5lb5oz on 5/5/12.  She's perfect and gorgeous!

So now that I'm back, I've decided that this is Phase 2 - I'm completely fed up of not losing weight, not using my band, not following bandster rules, not working out.  Some of it is self-sabotage I guess, I wasn't doing it perfectly so why do it at all mentality.  But also I have to remember that I suffer greatly with my mental health and so my comfort eating is off the charts a lot of the time and that I'm not always going to be able to control it, I'm not always going to feel happy, I'm not always going to know where else to turn other than to food.  But I can do my very best the rest of the time.  I'm not going to let a few depression led binges take control and cause me to just eat whatever I want all the time (which is what I've been doing).  So, Phase 2 of my band journey goes as follows:

Exercise: minimum 45mins cardio, 15mins resistance 5 x per week.  Plus walking at least 30 mins per day.
Food: 1200-1300kcal per day, 60-80g protein, eat from my lovely new small square plate and with my lovely new little baby cutlery (why it's taken me so long to purchase these, I don't know!  Should've got them as soon as I was banded!)  Measure everything including milk in tea etc.  Plan all meals in advance and track everything.

I'm going to allow myself treats occasionally, and I'm going to have 2 snacks or so per day.  There's no way I can eat enough at one time (of healthy food) to meet my calorie goal with just 3 meals a day.

I'm going to catch up with all your blogs as much as I can today, I'm thinking of you and missing you.  Thank you for your kind comments on my last post, and extra special thanks to Morgan who emailed me to let me know I was an her thoughts, thank you so much, Morgan, meant the world to me.
Lots of love x

Poorly

Dear dear petals, I'm sorry I've been absent this week.  I'm very ill at the moment.  I have a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or sometimes called Unstable Emotional Personality Disorder - and with the stress of all the uni work I have to do (huge deadlines coming up), it's flared up very badly.  I can't even begin to think about losing weight at the moment, it's all I can do to get through each day.  Sorry to be a big old misery guts.  Love you all xxx

BYOC - Late like the white rabbit.

Thanks lovely beauty Draz for BYOC once again!


1. Whether you’re a parent or not….what do you think the appropriate age is to talk to a child about “the birds and the bees”?

Well, I'm not a parent yet - I'm so excited about having children.  I'm in no hurry, I'm only 23 and my relationship is also young, but I know I'm meant to be a parent one day!!  So, sexy time chat, huh?  Well, I was first taught sex ed at school when I was only 7, just basics I guess - I can't really remember, and then again much more in depth when I was 10.  So I think school got there before my mum did.  I also had an older sister (5yrs older) which I think played a part in me maturing quickly.  I got my period when I was 10 and definitely really really fancied boys (not really sexually, but like I was just obsessed with them) from about age 8/9.  My mum has always been very prudish, calling things 'down-belows' rather than by their real names.  So I think it's important to be frank and open about names of things, not make anything to do with the body or sex taboo - but just pay attention to each individual child's maturity and always answer their questions truthfully.

2. What’s the color scheme in your bedroom?

We're renting and the decor of the whole flat is neutral creams, beiges and browns.  I wouldn't choose brown, but cream/white for carpets and walls is nice.  My bedding (thankfully the boy doesn't mind) is pretty pale florals with pink cushions.

3. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use on your hair?

I don't always use the same thing, depends on what's going cheap in the shops when I need some more.  But Herbal Essences often features, particularly the moisturising conditioner which smells like coconuts, and usually something for coloured hair to keep my blonde looking pretty.

4. And since it’s nearly summer time…do you paint your own toes, go some place for pedicures or not paint your toes at all? What’s your fave toe color?

Well - I used to hate feet, everyone's and my own.  But over the last few years I've become a lot more tolerant of them and by taking better care of mine, I like them more.  I've never had a pedicure because I always thought feet were gross and was scared that I'd be laughed at (silly I know!)  But just lately, I really really want to get one!!  I paint my toes, usually in whore red, and their painted most of the time.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week!


Good week in one way because my darling man has the week off work and I'm lucky enough to have him here for lovely times.  But I've got an absolute crapload of uni work to do, about 10,000 words to write and 3 exams all very imminent.  I've been in meltdown mode for a while now.  My mental health is really suffering.  Yuck.
Blog land - blogging more is going good and I've been reading consistently and loving your comments.  LOVE x

Workout Wednesday!!

I really want to thank Cat for Workout Wednesday.  For quite a while, I saw everyone else enthusiastically reporting their workouts, inspiring each other - and I couldn't participate because I just wasn't working out.  But now - mwahhhaaa!  I am!  I've been doing really well pretty consistently doing at least half an hour at home with my stepper and weights and yesterday and today I really kicked it up a notch and realised just plodding slowly up and down wasn't enough - that I could essentially 'run' (in bursts, not for the whole half hour) which made for MUCH better cardio, kept my heart rate up the whole time and made me sweat like a cow in a sauna.  When the 'running' (like running upstairs I guess) got too much, I'd have a break from that and start doing crunches, press ups, bicep curls, tricep dips, lunges, squats etc until I was done with that and then back to the stepper.  FEELS SO GOOD!!  Actually I have a bit of a headache now, but I think that's coz I didn't drink quite enough water this morning.  I am hydrating to the max now!

Speaking of working out and water - after reading Draz's post about weighing in heavier after working out (as in the morning after) because muscles retain water or something - I wonder if that's happening, I saw an EVIL number on the scale this morning - and couldn't possibly have eaten enough to warrant it (despite an abundance of Easter eggs entering my body).  Anyone else experience this?  Is it just a case of drinking more water to combat it?  TELL ME!!

FORGOT TO TELL YOU A BIG NSV FROM LAST WEEK!  So exciting that I had to shout that last sentence.  I bought a pair of jeans!!  Now this might sound like a very routine activity, indeed wearing jeans may be a near on daily occurrence for many of you.  Backstory:  I haven't bought a pair of jeans for about 4 years.  I haven't worn a pair of jeans for about 2 years.  I haven't worn a pair of trousers in a year and half.  This is because I just seemed to be the wrong shape for them.  I wear leggings, every single day.  With a skirt mostly (black of course) and occasionally a dress.  In the UK, most high street shops go up to a size 18 (I think that's a US 14??)  And in tops and dresses and skirts, that's the size I was (now a 16 in those items - yay!) - but when it came to trousers/jeans, I just couldn't admit to myself that I was bigger than that.  If I'm to admit it now, I think in trousers I would've been about a UK size 22.  And you can pretty much only buy a 22 in the few and far between plus size stores - somewhere I try and avoid going because they make me sad with their expense, lack of variety/style etc.  So, I went into a nice high street shop for a browse last week, and picked up an armful of jeans to try on - all bootcut, size 18 short (I'm only 5'3") - I tried on 2 pairs and both fit - not only did they fit, they looked GOOD!!  I bought a dark denim pair and have very much enjoyed wearing them since.  I've had compliments from friends and family and my darling boyfriend said I look great in them.  Periodically over the last few years I've done this, picked up a load of jeans in a size 18 feeling sure that they'd fit, and only just getting them over my knees and wanting to cry/die.  And this achievement, this NSV is such a great, tangible measure of my success.  Every time I wear them, I am proud of myself.

I know I've been pretty down on myself the past few posts, but after reading such kind comments from you all, I just feel so much better.  I'm not doing perfectly with my eating, but I'm working out.  And I'm getting there.  I've always been such an all or nothing person that I forget about progress and see anything but perfection as complete failure that is always all my fault.  I've gotta get over that.  Exercise is my friend and so are all of you. xxx

Grumplestiltskin.

Thank you all so so much for your comments on my last post - meant so much to me and I'm really going to try and take on board what you said and just blog for me!  Love you all!

I've been incredibly emotional the past couple of days.  Some might say hysterical at moments.  With my mental illness, I know that these lows will come and go, it's probably the worst that Ben's seen me, so that's a bit scary.  He's assured me he isn't going anywhere though.  I'm doing my best to believe him.  No, I do believe him, it's just the irrational crazies in my head that try and tell me otherwise.

It's weigh in day today.  Whereas in the past this was an exciting day with a new low to report, sadly I'm up a lb, back to where I was 2 weeks ago when I supposedly 'got back on track'.  Part of me just wants to bitch and moan and say all the usual, why aren't I losing weight, why isn't the band working for me (my least favourite saying!) blah blah blah - but instead - I'm going to tell you what I've been doing.

Probably half the week on average, I've been doing better.  This is a positive thing.  It means, a lot more of the time (than in the past few months) I'm trying to keep in the forefront of my mind what I'm doing and why.  I've been tracking on MFP a lot more - probably 4 days a week.  But some days I just don't have the strength.  I feel so overwhelmed emotionally, that sometimes I feel like I need to do anything to prevent me from falling apart and never recovering.  Sadly this sometimes means I don't know where else to turn except to food.  I'm working on it.

Big positive though:  I've been working out!  I've been doing 40 minutes on my little stepper, incorporating squats, lunges and weights during that time.  And I've just started doing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred - I love her so much, and I miss her on the Biggest Loser.  It's tough and my body hurt for 2 days, but I love it.  So maybe I'm gaining muscle?  Anything to make me feel better about this gain.  A gain or a stay the same can be so so demotivating.  And a loss can be the opposite.  Frustrated and cross.  Boo Shitty Boo.

Blog Fog.

I want to be blogging more.  I really do.  And I read your blogs and am so entertained and love being updated frequently on your lives and never do I find it a drag hearing about your lives and bands.  And yet, I've convinced myself I have nothing interesting to say, that you'll read my blog with a sigh - BORING - I hear you say.  Now, I know this is all silly and irrational, I'm prone to this sort of paranoia - and so really, what I need to do, is re-evaluate blogging, what it's for, why I do it, what it means to me.

1. Accountability - checking blogs everyday keeps the band, weight loss, exercise etc in the forefront of my mind - I am prevented from disappearing into the abyss of denial where I pretend none of this is happening to me, that I don't have a weight problem and that I can eat whatever I like and be skinny (MADNESS!!)
2. Friends - a really love you all.  There I said it.  Don't care if it's unrequited, it's too late, it's out there like romantic puke.  I feel really connected to so many of you bloggers, our gorgeous JRD for example, who I'm convinced would be my bestie if we lived in the same place.  And I love all your comments, it's so wonderful to know that so many people follow and comment and care!  (Maybe I should remember this when dipping into the silly paranoia - see above.)
3. Tips/Advice - there are lots of seasoned bandsters on here whose advice is invaluable, but whether someone is as far along as me (nearly 6 months) or only just starting out, there is always something to be learned.  Whether it's recipe ideas, problems that others are maybe too shy to talk about (bodily or mental) or good workouts.
4. Inspiration - seeing the progress that everyone is making is so inspiring and heart warming and I feel so proud of everyone and want to be like them.

So, I want to be part of this community.  Blogging for me hasn't been particularly cathartic in the way I was hoping it would be because I'm so anxious of what everyone thinks of me and I'm censoring myself in all sorts of ways because of this - what a terrible bore!  So maybe that should be my first blogging challenge.  To write whatever I damn well want.  Sound good??

Now, to finish, off, I'm sure you've all been just dying to see what my gorgeous boyfriend (and roomie!) looks like - here's a photo of the two of us from a couple of weeks ago.  Living with him is heaven so far!