Sunday 28 August 2011


Mega Stress! Went on a nice walk in the woods with my mum and my sister's dog, and, as we usually do when on walks, we discussed my 'issues' (of which there are many). The subject de jour was of course the surgery and how we might be able to afford it. The problem with having to ask others for money, is that you kinda have to tell them what it's for. I don't want to tell my grandparents. I don't want to tell my step dad (he tactless and a blabbermouth), I don't want to tell my Dad (and therefore can't really ask his brother, my uncle, especially as I've only met him once - he's rich though...) I, for some reason, don't mind telling my mum's friend who has quite a bit of money and no family to speak of (she's in her 70s) who has been a great financial help to me over the past year or so, helping me to afford my therapy sessions. Maybe because I feel as though she'd be the greatest help to me in this situation (most money and has openly said she's happy to help with medical or educational purposes). It's like I owe it to her to explain the situation.

So, why don't I want to tell anyone...not because I'm ashamed of the choice to get the band, I'm certainly not. But I do worry that others who know less about it will see it as the easy way out and will think I'm weak and pathetic and I think I'm those things and am projecting/transferring them? Perhaps. I long for the day when I don't think so badly of myself. I don't want to tell anyone because ultimately I'd be drawing attention to my weight and thus my eating habits and my slothful nature and the gross things that are sadly associated with being morbidly obese such as chafing, sweating, smelling, misery... I don't want those things to pop into people's heads and affect their opinion of me. Though of course it's silly because they can all see how overweight I am anyway.

It's funny how others perceive you though. I'm pretty sure none of my friends would guess that I'm morbidly obese. One of my closest and dearest friends L is so sweet and has said to me (as has my sister) that they just don't see my size. L said that she couldn't really see the difference between me now and me five years ago when I went from 15st7lbs (217lbs) to 12st1lbs (165lbs). She must be blind! That's 5st (70lbs) difference from my smallest to my current biggest. My biggest ever has been 17st4lbs (242lbs) but that's not far away from where I am now.

Back to finance. I've just applied online for a medical loan through the company connected to my chosen provider. I'm not hopeful. I'm sure they're income assessed (the form asked for income/employer etc) and seeing as I'm a student and have to live on about £6000 a year (that's all my year's money gone with the cost of surgery if I was paying for it myself), it's unlikely that they'll deem me suitable as they have no proof that I'd be able to pay it back. BUT - if they do approve me then I am gonna be one hell of a happy kitty. Mustn't get hopes up. Dashed hopes are like dashed heads - painful.

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