All Grown Up

My darling jellypuffs, I have been absent again, but I think I have had cause to be with moving house and not having internet for a few days etc.  But I am now settled into my LOVELY flat with my gorgeous boyfriend and all is going very well!  I'm just next to the town centre and five minutes from the beach (sadly it's pebbly, this is England after all!) and it's been beautifully sunny and warm.  I'm feeling very house-wifey, cleaning and tidying and organising ( I love organising, quite ocd about it), having people over to visit, generally loving my boy and revelling in having him there every morning and every night.  It's making me so happy!  So it took us three days to settle in and Ben went back to work on Tuesday, I used that day as my fresh start.  I got scared that if I didn't use this change of scenery, change of lifestyle to kick start me, then it would never happen.  As you'll know, weight loss has pretty much been on the back-burner since Christmas and I've only last 2lbs in the past couple of months.  I have thoroughly had enough of that!  Sadly I can't afford a gym membership at the moment and I'm far too wobbly to run outside, but I've got exercise dvds and a stepper and weights in the flat and I've been doing 30-45 minutes a day which has really made me feel good.  Not only because of endorphins, but because I'm actually doing it!  And food has been miles better, I'm back to tracking my MFP and not just mindlessly eating sugary food all day.  Just simply stopping and thinking before eating is really getting my mind back in the right place.  When I weighed in on Tuesday morning I was 1lb up from my lowest, at 14st12lbs (208lbs) and fingers crossed there'll be a smaller number in place of it when I weigh in next Tuesday - maybe that will be my new official weigh in day.  We'll see.  Anyway, wish me luck as I persevere through the difficult first weeks of starting again.  Any tips would be great.  And I leave you some pictures, one of me at my heaviest and one of me a couple of days ago at a gig with my best friend L.
Love you all - I've been reading, can't seem to comment at the moment, error page comes up - any advice?? x

Slipping and Sliding

Ah, crap!  I've been slacking again.  Just a quickie to whet your appetite and then I will be back with a vengeance.  Firstly, I finally made it to the 40lb lost mark!  Woo!!  But, pathetic really, I've lost 2lbs in 2 months.  All is set to change though...

Drumroll please....

I'm moving in with my boyfriend - of three months - next week!  Call me a crazy loony but it has become the best option.  I currently live with my parents and commute the two hours to uni once a week.  They've decided to move to somewhere where I'd need a car to live - I can't drive.  Ben and I were thinking about moving in together in September anyway, so now it's now!!  I'm madly excited.  I know it's pretty quick, but when you know someone's right, you just know.

So what does this move mean for my weight loss...Well - for the past couple of months, since I moved back from living at uni, I've felt like I'm in limbo, half living at mine and half at his, no real routine, I couldn't plan meals and would often have to eat what was there rather than something I would have chosen.  Also in this time I got my beast of a fill which I've decided is probably slightly too tight because I really have been relying on sliders to give me energy and to comfort me when I feel upset that I can't eat anything.  So I'm going to get a little unfill - just 0.25 - 0.5ml.  See if that helps.  Living in the new flat (which is lovely and cosy and right by the town centre and the sea!), I'll finally be able to settle in one place, plan all my meals, do all my own shopping, and get back on track.  I'm desperate to.

I'm looking forward to getting back into some kind of blog reading regimen, once internet's all set up in the flat I'll be reading and commenting and blogging to the max!  Hope you haven't all got bored of me.  Thinking of you all.  Lots of love x

My Face

Just thought I'd include a little recent picture of me for all of you.  Just so you remember who's thinking of you all!  

So I finally exercised today.  I know I said I was going to get back to the gym about 5 days ago, but that hasn't happened.  I think I'm reluctant because I can't really afford to go to the gym, but it's my workout comfort zone (compared to at home) so I feel I ought to go back there.  But I did about half an hour of step aerobics and weights today which MFP told me burned about 330 calories so I'm happy with that as a start.

Eating hasn't been great, still struggling with major sugar addiction, though I'm rarely hungry and if I'm really really slow with tiny bites I can eat good, nutritious food (like roast chicken and veggies for lunch today), I got some nachos the other day and after about 3 (far too large) bites, it was slime city, thought I wasn't going to make it to the bathroom.  I was stupid because after the first PB episode, I thought I'd be ok to try eat some more nachos, or at least just the cheese and guacamole etc.  Stupid idea - 2 more slime and pb episodes followed and I felt thoroughly sorry for myself the rest of the day.  

I'm still not sure if I'm a little bit too tight, it's getting to the point where I'm scared of food, except obviously what I know will go down, which is mostly Haribo sweets and chocolate.  Damn sugar.  

So because of all this, I'm still sitting frustrated at 14st12lbs (208lbs), hence the motivation to workout today.  Would really love to see some of your daily food diaries to get a reminder of the sort of thing bandsters eat.  Love x

New Pound!

I have finally, after a month and eight days, lost a new lb!  It may only be one so far, but it's sure to be more!  I had about 10 evil gained lbs to lose from my gluttonous month (new relationship and a huge love of Haribo = fatty Mari).  To reach a new low is a wonderful, fabulous thing, so I do not care that it is not weigh in day and that today was the first day I saw the new number, I'm taking it as mine!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 14st12lbs (208lbs)
Total Loss: 39lbs!!!

Almost at the 40lb lost mark!  I had wanted to have lost 40lbs by my 4 month anniversary which was 13 days ago, but alas, I had a month of eating like I hadn't a care in the world, and I haven't been to the gym for a month either.  So I am lucky to be where I am.  I also kind of feel humbled by it.  My latest fill is kicking my arse, and I'm slowly learning what I can and can't eat, discovering the my band is tighter in the morning, that it's not a good idea to eat anything before having a nice hot cup of tea and to STOP! as soon as I feel full or I will PB.  There have been many pb sessions this past week and a half but they are getting less frequent as I adjust to a completely new, very slow, very minimal way of eating.  But it's great.  What I wanted was to not be able to eat as much.  And I really can't eat as much as I would love to be able to sometimes.  Hopefully this support will get me back on track.  My goal for tomorrow is to get back in the gym.  I've got to.  I miss it.  But I'm kind of scared of how much my fitness levels may have slipped back.  You may remember that a couple of months ago I managed to run for 11 minutes straight.  Not sure I'll be doing that tomorrow, but I'm aiming for 5 minutes.  I think a lot of it is psychological.

Was lovely to hear from you all in your comments on my last post, thank you - and hopefully, gradually, you'll be getting comments from me.  Big love x

Absent-Gain-Fill-TooTight-PBing-butInLove!

Well hi angel faces!  I haven't blogged for a month.  There is definitely a correlation between not blogging and weight gain - I don't know which comes first, it's a chicken and egg situation.  A gain can stop you blogging, but not blogging can lead to a gain.  Anyway.  I pledge to blog again, and not let even a week, let alone a month go by.  I miss you all and often think of you.  I have been reading sporadically and I feel guilty for missing your posts and not being up to date with your lives.  But I am back to reading and will be commenting to the max!!

So, I must confess, I gained big time over the last month.  I just lost focus, band was loose, was eating chocolate, sweets, biscuits, popcorn, white toast with butter and jam for breakfast every day, just everything I shouldn't have been having and in huge quantities.  It's like I couldn't engage my brain even for a second to stop myself, I couldn't get any distance or perspective on what I was doing and was just swept along with this wild food fest.  I suppose my routine is readjusting at the moment, I'm spending about four nights a week with my boyfriend and I'm a bit all over the place.  I just need to take back control of my eating.  It's my responsibility and I can't just let it fall my the wayside because it's not convenient.

Having said all that, I had a fill on Wednesday, I got 1ml taking me up from 6ml to 7ml.  Oh dear oh dear I think I'm too tight.  Before leaving the clinic we have to finish a glass of water and a tea or coffee.  Well they went down ok, a little slow, but I wasn't worried.  Then tried some soup for dinner, about four hours later, managed about 4 spoonfuls until I realised it wasn't going anywhere.  I felt uncomfortable and then later found myself over the sink, slime and soup coming up - yuck yuck yuck.  About two hours later I tried some light hot chocolate which also came back up.  The next day I had soup which stayed down, albeit only a little bit, tea was fine, managed a bit of a protein shake.  Then stupid me, had to try a little tiny weeny piece of a Cinnabon Classic (there's just one or two stores in the UK and my boyfriend loves them so I got him some when I was in London for my fill), it was such a small piece - stupid me - PB!!  Then yesterday I managed to have some very mayonnaise-y tuna and five slices of cucumber - I went really slowly, chewing really well, and that stayed!!  But then went to dinner at my boyfriend's Dad's house where the food wasn't in my control, they served chicken curry with rice, I ate a tiny bit of the curry and felt so rude for leaving almost all of it, it was the first time I'd met his Dad!  Then tried to have a bit of lemon crumble for pudding and nope no good.  So during the evening, I had to go and PB three times, it was awful.  Two of the times, I felt saliva start to well up in my mouth and I had to race off to the bathroom.  It's so frustrating.  This is the first time I've PBd and it's in some ways not as bad as I thought it would be, but it's also dreadful, it's such a weird feeling, particularly after my month of gluttony, not to just be able to pop something in my mouth.  I've put myself back on liquids today and if it's no better by Monday I'm going to book in for an unfill.  Obviously I'm reluctant to do that, it feels like going backwards, but at the moment I'm barely getting in 600 calories a day, I feel weak and I just want to eat something!  Any advice would be very welcome.

During my month of gluttony, at my highest, I'd gained 10lbs, but I'm now only 2lbs above my highest, putting me at 211lbs.  I'm so ready to start seeing some new low numbers, it really screws with your motivation when you don't lose.  I think I've been in a love bubble.  Things are going so well with my boyfriend, we had a wonderful Valentine's Day in a hotel, he told me it feels crazy because we haven't been together that long, but he thinks I'm definitely the One!!  He is incredible!

Love you all x

But it's Thursday!

Still not up to my preferred standard of blogging, but have been reading more consistently and I WILL get there!  I finally told the boyfriend about the band.  I sent a text telling him, just couldn't get the words out face to face.  Obviously, he has absolutely no problem with it and was interested to know a little more.  I knew it wouldn't be any issue, I just couldn't make myself say the words, you know!

I had my second fill on Tuesday, got another 2ml so am now about to 6 in a 10ml band.  The nurse (who was completely awesome!) said I was an exceptional example of weight loss and that I was doing so well, she said usually people don't lose much weight if any with no restriction, so I should be very proud of myself.  I think being part of this Boobs crew skews your perceptions of normal band success because we all do SO WELL.  Don't you think?  I think blogging plays a huge part for all of us in our continued success and I'm pretty sure all our surgeons or nurses would say we're exceptional examples.  Seeing as the average weight loss in two years with the band is only about 50%, I don't think any of us aren't knocking that out of the water.  Not to say that we don't struggle, and that sometimes we gain some weight back, but we're here and we're working hard every day to reach our goal.  I don't want my goal to be only a 50% loss of my excess weight.  I'm striving for 100% no less!

I'm weighing in today because I'm going back home (from uni) tomorrow and won't be near my scale.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 14st13lbs (209lbs)
Loss this Week: 3lbs
Total Loss: 38lbs!

Very happy with that!  The joys of a hefty fill and being on liquids and mushies!  It feels really good to be back on track.  And now that I've told the boyfriend, eating with him will be easier, he'll understand why I need to make certain choices so I don't have to just eat crap because I don't want to suggest otherwise.  He's a boy so he'll eat anything.

My next mini goal is to lose the next 4lbs taking me to 205lbs which will mean 3st lost!  This is a big milestone as when I've lost weight before, I've often lost about 2st and then gained it back.  I'm aiming to reach this goal by the 4th Feb.

Love you all xxx

Friday Weigh In - First in a While!

Hi darlings!!  I know I'm a terrible slacker, but I am gradually catching up on blogs - and I'm thinking about you all.  But I must get back to regular blogging because it definitely keeps me accountable.  And I miss you otherwise.  I just wanted to say how nice it's been to see more pictures of JRD and Rachel who were closet bloggers before.  You are both SO BEAUTIFUL!  I must remember to post some more pictures, maybe I'll do a comparison shot in my undies like I did at first to see if there's any difference now that I'm pretty much a third of the way to goal!  It's Friday so...

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 15st2lbs (212lbs)
Loss This Week: 1lb
Total Loss: 35lbs!

So there you have it.  It's been very slow going over Christmas, but to be honest, I was eating like an absolute hippo for a good few weeks.  Seriously, I even had donuts and burgers, stuff that I never normally ate even before the band.  I don't know what was going on.  It's like I just wanted to be free of it for a little while.  But now I'm back up at uni after a month at home I'm back on plan, so since Tuesday I've been doing really well, getting around 100g protein, keeping calories around 1300 and exercising.  Need to get back on it with water though.  So hopefully I'll get a good weight loss next week if I can keep working hard.

So things are going very well with my boyfriend, though it's really hard now that we're apart.  It's only a couple of hours to see each other but it's expensive to go back and forth between uni and home and I have almost no money this term.  I am looking for a job though.  So I haven't told my boyfriend that I have the band yet.  I know that he'd have no problem with it at all and be completely supportive, but I just felt like I couldn't tell him because I was eating so badly the past few weeks.  How can you gorge yourself on 2 massive slices of pizza and then say, oh by the way, I have the lap band.  I just didn't know how to bring it up...  I know I just need to explain that I don't have very much restriction yet and am able to (though shouldn't) eat anything.
I have a fill on Tuesday, I'm hoping that the way I can eat will change with more restriction and then I can tell him, once I feel like I'm back on the path to success.

Sorry if it's a bit of a dull one, I'm in a hurry!  But I love you all and will write more soon and get back to commenting!! x

Holy Cankles!

It's been SO long since I posted (and read or commented on your blogs, forgive me!!) - but I have good reason!  Remember new man from my lost post, well said man is now my BOYFRIEND!!  Sorry to sound like  a soppy teenager, but I can't tell you how excited I am to have found someone.  It's all gone crazy quickly and there are moments when I wonder how on earth this all happened, one minute I barely new him, next thing you know I've been with him everyday since 23rd Dec!  He makes me feel safe, he accepts my crazy, we have fun and it's just easy.  TOO EXCITED!

Anyway,  I've barely paid any attention to what I'm eating and I did have a fair few glasses of champagne over Christmas (stressed myself out over bubbles and the band, anyone know a lot about this?) and didn't really deny myself anything, am able to eat a lot (2 weeks til my 2nd fill) but have butterflies in my stomach because of my new man, so haven't really felt bothered about eating.  And to my delight, I lost 4lbs over the last couple of weeks.  I don't know how long it's been since my last official weigh in, and I'm not going to hit my target of 14st13lbs (205lbs) by 7th Jan, but I'm currently at 15st3lbs (209lbs) so I'm out of the 2 teens, hurrah!!  (Also, I guess a bit of the old sexercise helps!!)

I feel like a TERRIBLE blogger and friend to you all (Lani, I promise I will email you back soon), I hope you've all had wonderful holidays and I will try and catch up as much as I can and blog more frequently.  But know that I love you all and I think of you daily. xxxxx

Happiness

Well hello my gorgeous girls!  Sorry I have been a little absent of late.  I must say, I have been having the most wonderful time!  I think I might have met a rather nice man!!!  And I think he's quite keen and I like him!!  Have been feeling excited and hopeful and generally happy all week because of him and spending time with wonderful old friends now that everyone's back in town for Christmas.  

On the band front:  I was meant to have a fill last Wednesday but ended up rearranging it because I had some family dramas going on and I just couldn't get away in time.  The fill now isn't until the 17th January, but I'm feeling ok.  To be honest, I haven't been paying that much attention to what I've been eating but that hasn't meant I've over eaten, I've actually not felt too bothered about it.  I don't feel any need to binge right now and am just trying to remain calm over the Christmas period and not get too stressed out.  There's going to be lots of food and things I don't usually have around me.  I'm not going to be able to always avoid it or make my usual choices but it's no big deal.  It'll pass, January will come around and I'll just keep on going, and if December ends up being a bad month on the scale, that doesn't mean that the rest of my life will be ruined.  It doesn't mean I won't keep losing weight and eventually get to my goal, because this isn't like every other time.  This time, we can all do it.  So many of you are doing it!  Just look at how incredible Ronnie looks as a great example of success!!  

Right, there's a big spurt of happiness for you, now I must go to sleep!  I'm a little behind on your blogs but I will catch up and I will do my best to leave some lovely comments for you.  Love x

Weigh In and Picking Myself Back Up

Hello my lovelies,  sorry I've been absent for a few days, really need to start posting more than once or twice a week.  But I have been reading and commenting a bit, will try to comment more.  But know that I'm reading and being inspired and thinking of you all.  Unfortunately, after my last post, things didn't get much better, and although I didn't go straight back to old habits (not completely possible so I guess there is a band in my belly!), I definitely wasn't on track and wasn't tracking (usually use myfitnesspal) and was eating too much.  So the scale was being a bitch and telling me each morning that I shouldn't be making these bad choices, I think there was one day when I was 6lbs up from last week!!  I think that was the last straw and I'm glad to say I've now had two good days and counting, tracking and staying within my calories.  I guess the scale was being extreme to help get me back on track because today's weigh in was much kinder.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 15st7lbs (217lbs)
Weight Loss this Week: 1lb
Total Loss: 30lbs.

So you'll see that I'm back where I was two weeks ago, gained a lb last week and lost it this week.  I feel very lucky that I wasn't back in the 220s this week and I frightened myself with how easy it was to lose sight of my goals.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your supportive comments last week.  I've read every single one of your blogs from start to finish (yes, even the really long ones that have been blogging for years!) and I know that everyone goes through bandster hell and that all of you are huge successes, I can be like you.  At least I hope so.  It really meant so much to me that you all responded with such kindness.  I hope I can repay it.

So here's to a better week, I will not spend another two weeks flirting with the same lb, I am going down.  Christmas will not get the better of me!!  Love x

Struggling

Ok, so I'm having a bit of a tough time with food.  I'm able to eat a lot more than I should be able to and it's so hard to not to revert back to old habits when it feels like nothing's in my way.  I try to remember why I'm doing this before eating, but it doesn't always happen.  I know everyone struggles once in a while.  I'm just afraid that this is all too much a case of willpower, and if so, how is it different from before?  I hope that once I get a couple more fills, things will change.  In the meantime, I've been trying to get my protein and water in and I've been to the gym the last two days.  In fact, on Saturday, I ran for 11 minutes!!!  Remember a couple of weeks ago I ran for 8 minutes which was the longest I'd ever run, well how's that for a 30% increase!!  I was very proud of myself, and it felt good to get moving again.  I'm heading home for the holidays tomorrow and I look forward to being active when I get there.  I'm scared that I'll gain weight again this week, maybe I should use that fear to help motivate me.  I'm just afraid that I won't be able to do this.

Grumble

So I gained a stupid lb.  It's been on the scale all week.  Then when I first stepped on the scale this morning it said 217lbs, the same weight as last week, stepped on it 3 more times and every time it showed 218lbs, 1lb up, so I had to be honest and put down on here what the scale said.  I have changed my ticker but I'm not going to pay any attention to this otherwise.  I do feel like binging because I feel upset and angry that I have lost this week and then that snowballs into being angry at myself for getting into this state.  BUT, I know that I was going over my preferred number of calories (1200) by a couple of hundred each day and I didn't go to the gym at all or do very much walking, and I'm incredibly stressed because I have a very difficult essay to write and no time left - I'm going to have to just hand it as it is, and apologise to my lecturer and myself for writing something that is a waste of time to read.  Hopefully next week will be better.  I'm going home from uni back to my family on Monday until the 8th January and so I won't have a gym just right there, I need to figure out what exercise I'm going to do in place of it.  Sorry for the boring and depressing post.  You're all fabulous. x

Beyonce

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCjALaD-K2Q - Beyonce, If I were a Boy. x

I just wanted to do a quick post about Beyonce, the real one, not the one round my stomach.  The reason I named my band Beyonce is because I had recently fallen in love with her after watching all the footage of her from Glastonbury (which I have never been to, but would love to!).  She is fierce and beautiful and inspiring and an amazing example of modern feminism and seems to be incredibly driven, moral and good.  On top of this she has the most incredible voice.  Well, for a little while, I hadn't exactly forgotten why I loved her, but I wasn't really listening to her music (some of the up tempo ones aren't really my favoured style of music) and just wasn't paying her the attention she deserves.  Until this Saturday that is when there was an hour long 'Evening with Beyonce' on tv where she sang some of her songs and answered some questions from the audience etc.  I turned the tv on and within about 3 minutes I was sobbing and I pretty much didn't stop crying until the show was over.  Now what was it about her that turned me into a snotty mascara stained hysterical mess.  I'm really not exaggerating when I say that I cried for the whole hour.  I think it's because I look at her and I see the distance between where I am and where she is.  I see her confidence and her talent and I want it.  It's not even about her phenomenal looks, but more about her freedom, and courage and her fitness.  I want to be able to move like her, to dance without fear of judgement.  The passion in her face when she dances and sings, she's telling a story.  I think the singing thing is the main thing that makes me so emotional though.  I have wanted to be a singer for a long time (with a few spells of wanting to act, write, direct etc) and many people have told me that I have a brilliant voice.  But I can't believe them.  I don't believe I'm good enough.  I know I don't sound awful, but I definitely haven't found my own singing personality, I really would like to be an interesting singer (I'm inspired by Joni Mitchell, Adele, Florence etc), not just someone who can belt out perfect notes.  And yet I can't seem to get away from the need for the perfection and instead focus on passion.  Anytime I'm at my piano when I go home, or go to the piano rooms on campus, I am so critical of myself that I sometimes forget to enjoy it.  I have performed once or twice in public and sometimes in front of my friends, but I have no where near enough self-belief or confidence despite others telling me I have the talent.  WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?  Because if I don't end up singing for the rest of my life, then I'm never going to be fulfilling my passion or the one thing I might really be good at.  I want the self-belief that Beyonce has.  I want to be brave enough to find opportunities to propel myself into a singing career.  I probably just sound like I'm whining.  But I just feel so inspired by her and so mesmerised and grateful that she exists.  I named my band Beyonce because I hope that this will finally be the route to becoming my best self.  The version of myself that I don't hate and maybe then the distance between Beyonce and I, won't feel so great.

I've been 1lb up from Friday's weigh in all week.  I'm really hoping to be at least 1lb down if not the same weight as last week to help keep morale up over the holiday season.  I've got my second fill appointment booked for 21st December, but might have to change it as it means I'll be on mushies for Christmas day which might be a bit too tricky.

Love to all x

Catch Up.

I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted!  Naughty me!  I kept thinking of things to write about and have had plenty of time, so no excuse.  I think sometimes I get nervous of posting in case it ends up being a completely lame and meaningless post.

But I suppose I have got some things to report.  Firstly, weigh in.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 15st7lbs (217lbs)
Loss this Week: 4lbs!
Total Loss: 30lbs!!!

I was not expecting a 4lb loss!!  All week my scale was showing a 1lb loss, until yesterday when it showed 3lbs lost, so I thought that was great, jumped on this morning and was greeted by this glorious number!  Funnily enough, I have eaten more calories this week.  Probably an average of about 1400 calories per day rather than 1200.  Perhaps my body just needs a bit more than I was giving it?

MAJOR NSV ALERT!!!  Ok, so on Sunday I was at the gym, doing my usual 45 minutes on the bike when I thought I'd have a go on the treadmill, just to see how long I could run for.  2.5 years ago I was training with a friend who's a personal trainer and I managed to run for 7.5 minutes, I was about 15lbs lighter then.  But more recently, I hadn't been able to run for more than about 3 minutes.  So I got on the treadmill, set it going at 4.2 mph, not fast I know, and I ran for EIGHT minutes.  This is the longest I have ever run for in my entire life!  I know it may not seem like much, and I certainly wasn't going that fast, but it is nevertheless, an AMAZING achievement for me and I really want to build on it. Unfortunately my calf muscles absolutely killed me for four days afterwards because I was stupid and didn't stretch.  I'm looking forward to getting back in the gym now that my muscles have recovered.

Now I have to admit something, I haven't been eating that well.  I know it might not seem to be the case because of my weight loss this week, but that's only because my calories were in range.  I've been eating crisps (chips) and 1 or 2 chocolate bars per day, most days.  It's the same as my old, pre-banded pattern, that I would get treats for myself and save them til I was in bed watching tv in the evening and then eat them because they make me feel good.  I feel crap admitting this, but I want to be accountable.  I think one of the problems I'm facing with this, is that at the moment, I'm still losing consistently and I'm eating comforting sugary food.  This seems like a win/win.  But I went to sleep last night feeling like something was wrong, and I know that I want to be healthy, not just thin.  And these foods aren't good for our health, it's not just about our waistlines.  So, although I'm very happy allowing myself a square or two of dark chocolate each day, I don't want to be gorging myself on low quality junk every day.  Any advice or similar problems??

It's been a strange week, I don't know if I'm ill, or just adjusting to all the changes in my body that have been happening lately, but I've been mostly asleep for the past 3 days.  I usually suffer from chronic insomnia, so if I get sleepy, no matter what time it is, I try and take advantage of it because I clearly need to catch up on sleep. But it makes me feel weird.  Only one more week until I'm off from uni for a month over Christmas!  Just need to get through the shitload of work I have to do in the next 8 days.

Love you all xxxxxxxx

I Like Weight Loss

Hi there my little turkeys!  Friday means weigh in day of course!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 15st11lbs (221lbs)
Loss this Week: 2lbs.
Total Loss: 26lbs!

I'm so happy that my weight loss has been consistent so far, and 2lbs a week (as it's been for the past 3 weeks) is absolutely ideal.  I only made it to the gym once this week so definitely want to start going more regularly to increase my fitness.  Well, I've got to run to a seminar on memory, trauma and testimony!  It's going to be depressing!

Love xxxxx

P.S. Lani, I'll reply to your email very soon!! x

Fill Me Up, Buttercup.

Hello my darling girls!  I had my first fill yesterday morning!  I wasn't too nervous because I've read so many accounts from all of you about what it's like to get a fill and that really it's no big deal.  So scooted up to London (about 40 mins from where I live at the moment) but then had to wait in the waiting room for about half an hour as the nurse was running late.  I don't like the receptionist at my clinic, he seems snooty and he doesn't smile and he doesn't put you at ease or give you any information - AND he's the one that weighs you.  Really horrid.  The clinic isn't just WLS but all sorts of cosmetic surgery as well and because it's private, I guess there's a kind of elitist feel to it.  Anyway, I finally got in to see the nurse who was LOVELY.  For some reason they didn't have all my records there, I don't think they'd been transferred over from the hospital where I had my surgery, so the nurse was really pleased with my for knowing all my information, like the size of my band etc.  She said most people don't really know what they're doing/talking about!  She was also really pleased with and complimentary about my weight loss so far.  She had me read through some information about the fill procedure and then locate myself on the yellow/green/red band scale, you know the one, to ascertain how hungry I was.  I said that I'm definitely looking for food and able to eat fairly large meals, but that I'm not that hungry that often.  So I lay down and she very quickly and efficiently found my port and stuck the needle in!  It felt a bit weird, not really painful, but like the was a bit of a popping sensation of the needle going into the port. She pulled out 2cc which had been there since surgery (thought it was empty!) and then put it back in plus another 2cc so I have 4cc in a 10cc band.  I then had to sit in the waiting room and drink a glass of water and a hot drink and if they went down fine (which they did) then I could leave.  So all good!  I'm now on liquids for a couple of days and then mushies for a couple of days and then back to normal.  I haven't noticed a difference yet but I won't really be able to get a sense of that until I'm on solid food.

In regards to my last post about what the dietician said, MandaPanda, (thank you for your nutritional advice) I've been on solid food for 2 weeks, not mushies.  I thought it seemed weird to suggest crackers which is why I flagged it up on here and I'd always heard that they were a slider.  She did say crunchy foods like raw vegetables as well.  But ultimately I've decided she must be an idiot (too harsh?)  So I'm going to still stick to 1200 calories a day and aim for as much protein as possible.

I hope everyone in the States has a wonderful Thanksgiving! x

Weigh In.

Hello beauties, thank you so much for your sweet comments, particularly about my accent, after I posted my very first vlog!  Just a quick note from me today.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 15st13lbs (223lbs)
Weight Loss this Week: 2lbs
Total Loss: 24lbs!

I'm now firmly out of the morbidly obese BMI range, I'm 39.5 and never going back up!  I had my first phone appointment with the dietician today which was fine.  I didn't really learn anything new except that I should be having crunchy foods like crackers...?  Does this sound right to you guys?  She wouldn't give me a number of calories or amount of protein or anything, she said it should all be about hunger and satiety.  My first fill is now on Tuesday morning and I'm excited!! x

First Vlog

Not sure if that has worked...  If it has, I present to you, my very first vlog.  I'm rather bad with technology so I don't really know what I'm doing with the software I'm using, I think it's a free trial...  I signed up for onetruemedia but is it right you have to pay to upload videos?  Can you vloggers out there tell me what to do?  Could I use youtube?  I feel stupid.  Secondly, sorry if my face or voice is weird. x

Meet Me on Monday

Seeing as all the cool kids are doing it.

1. Does your family/friends know about your blog?


I've told my mum that I have a blog but I never invited her to look at it and I don't think I told her the name, so I'm pretty sure she isn't reading this.  But if she is, Hi Mama, love you!  Other than that, no one else knows.

2. What is your favorite card game?


I don't know if this goes by another name in the States, but my favourite card game is called Shit Head and my dad and I played about 90 games on a very long train journey once.

3. What do you wear to bed? 


Well usually I wear some pyjama bottoms and a vest but over the past few months I've begun kicking all my clothes off during the night and my oh my what a lovely thing it is to be naked!  It's funny, I used to sleep naked all the time when I was with my ex - maybe it's weird being naked on your own!

4. What is your favorite kind of French Fry?


Well here in good old England, we call fries chips, and none are better than squidgy, vinegar covered chips from a fish and chip shop - a British classic.  Having said that, I haven't had any for probably 2 or 3 years and don't expect I'll be having some any time soon.

5. What is your usual bed time?


Much to the horror of you all I'm sure, probably on average about 3am.  I'm a complete night owl but I'm also an insomnia sufferer.  No matter how little sleep I've had I find it so difficult to get to sleep that's it's usually at least 3am.  Once asleep I'm ok, so if I don't have to get up for anything, I can happily keep on sleeping til midday or beyond.


In band news - eating is going fine, I'm definitely allowing myself too many sweets though I'm still sticking within my calorie range of up to 1200 calories a day.  I really haven't struggled with hunger at all other than when I've left it hours and hours without eating, like today when I didn't have anything except a skinny latte until 5.30pm.  Just bad planning, but I think overall I'm doing ok.  Tomorrow is my one month bandiversary, it has flown by!  I have a phone appointment with the dietician this week and hopefully my fill next week though I need to change the location of the appointment so that may screw things up a little.


Love you all and love your comments so much!  I'm sorry that I don't always comment on your blogs, sometimes I don't have enough time to read them all and comment, but know that I will when I can. x

First or maybe second NSV and Weigh In

First off, it's Friday so it's weigh in day!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st1lb (225lbs)
Loss this Week: 2lbs
Total Loss: 22lbs!

I'm very pleased with losing 2lbs this week and definitely think that drinking more water the past couple of days has helped.  I've been getting in lots of water and treating it as though it's my job!  I've also started taking the stairs up to my flat - 4 flights, 61 steps - doing that at least twice a day is a start, right!  How long after surgery did you guys wait until you started exercising again?  Either in the gym or otherwise?  I was told 4-6 weeks post op would be ok and I'm 4 weeks out tomorrow and itching to get back in the gym, do you think that'll be ok?

Secondly, I received a big, and what I thought was my first, NSV today!  There's a cafe/bar on campus that I popped into today to grab a skinny latte, and I saw a girl who works there who I vaguely know but don't see very often.  Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that I look great and had I lost a lot of weight?  I started grinning and said yes and that she was the first person who'd noticed.  She seemed surprised by this and reiterated that I was looking wonderful!  How great is that!!  My family has said I'm looking good, but they know about the surgery - this girl was the first person to notice my 22lb loss.  Funny, I thought it would take more of a loss before people noticed.
So the reason I thought this was my first NSV but in fact it wasn't is because: quite a while back, right at the beginning of my blog, probably August, I said how much I hated and couldn't bear the pain in my legs that I got when I walked anywhere.  Shooting pains like I had lead rods in my shins.  Well, they're gone!  They've been gone for a long time, I think since the second week of my pre-op diet - so probably all it took was about 10lbs to fix one of the worst physical problems I had.  I only noticed how good my legs felt as I was bounding around campus this afternoon looking for a printer.  I am SO happy to put that problem behind me forever!

Overall, a pretty good day!

Mush to Solids.

Well I seem to have made the transition from mushies to solid food a little early.  This week I've had sausages, bread, cucumber - and they've all been fine.  It's been 3.5 weeks since surgery and I'm chewing my food like crazy so it might as well be mush.  Even though I can probably eat quite a bit more than I am, I'm using myfitnesspal to track everything I eat and most days staying around 1200 calories, though yesterday I didn't even make it to 1000.  I haven't really noticed the band when I'm eating, sometimes I worry that it's not in there!  I'm sure it is, I've got the incisions (war wounds) to prove it.  My fill is scheduled for 2 weeks today.

I've been having a little bit of pain in my left side, kind of near the medium sized incision I've got there - but it feels like a pulled muscle.  I don't know if it's to do with surgery or I just stretched too far when painting my friend's hallway the other day.

I haven't been doing as well as I should with protein or water.  I don't know what the deal with water is - I used to be so good a drinking the right amount, but since being banded I don't think I've had a single day when I've reached my quota.  That will be my mission this week.

Weigh In Day Today.

Finally a new low!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st3lbs (227lbs)
Loss this Week: 4lbs
Total Loss: 20lbs.

Delighted to see a low, 1lb lower than I've seen for most of the week.  I've upped my calories a little bit, not really on purpose but because I've been having a few too many snacks.  But perhaps my body was unhappy about having 1000 or less?

Also, I hope you like my new blog design that I pilfered from the cutest blog on the block, I think it's lovely.
Happy Friday everyone x

Lots of followers and lots of award based love.

Hello my darlings...I feel like I haven't blogged for ages, but it can't be more than 5 days, surely!  I keep meaning to post and then using up all my time reading your fabulous blogs!  Because of this delay in posting, I didn't celebrate my reaching 50 followers, and now I have 51!!  I can't believe there are so many people interested in reading what I have to say - thank you so much!  And please please let me know if I'm not following you back!  I definitely want to be following you - I love reading about everyone's lives!  It's funny, because so many of you gorgeous bandsters are American, I feel like I know more and more about the USA even though I've never been there.  I'd really really love to visit.

Second of all - I was nominated for an award!!

Thank you so much to Rockband Barbie, Cat and Jessica for all nominating me, I feel all loved and cared about!  I think all these blog awards are such a lovely idea because they help promote blogs and get people more followers!

So 7 things about me:

• I absolutely love cats with all my big whole heart.  I love them.  One day I will get one and I will call her kitty.  If I get a second one, I will call her puss.  I love them.  I desperately want one but it's just not practical or possible for at least a few more years.  Sometimes I think that it'll all be ok (life) because I know that one day I'll have a kitty.  Crazy cat lady, right?
• I am a singer and pianist.  Did all my grades and everything and was trained as a classical singer but prefer singing things like Adele and Joni Mitchell, I write some of my own songs too.  I love singing, it pretty much feels like the only right thing to me, but I have so little confidence when it comes to performing or belief that I'm any good.  I'm trying to work on it though.  Now when people ask me what I want to do with my life, I tell them I want to be a singer.  For years I could never even say that.
• I study English Literature and Philosophy at university.  I love reading, my favourite novel is Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky, or maybe The Outsider by Albert Camus... But sadly studying literature isn't that enjoyable for me.  I want to read to escape and to fall into a world not my own - not dissect and ruin it all.  Stupid choice of degree really!  
• My dad lives in Australia - Melbourne to be specific, and I have 2 younger brothers and 1 little sister over there (half siblings but I don't take any notice of that distinction).  I've been to Australia 11 times and I'm desperately hoping to get over there next July as I haven't seen the kids for more than 2 years.
• I've had insomnia on and off but mostly on since I was a child.  When I was about 9, if I couldn't sleep, I used to write little biographies for all my soft toys - their names, where they were born, their family tree.  Weird right!  Insomnia really really sucks - luckily at the moment it's not very bad, most nights are ok, but this comes after an awful 8 month stretch, the longest period I've ever had.
• Although I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, I don't have a great work ethic.  I've had a number of jobs (alongside studying or during gap years) and have pretty much hated all of them.  I hated being taken for granted, getting up early, having to wear a uniform, being spoken to by managers as though I was an idiot or couldn't see through their sickly sweet but clearly condescending attitude towards staff.  I hated how mindless all the jobs I did were (retail/call centres).  I know it's a bit taboo to say this stuff because people are struggling to get jobs.  But like many people, when I've had to work to earn the money (luckily I just about get by with my student loan at the moment), you just put up with shit jobs because it's hard to find one you love.
• If I could spend my days cafe hopping, I'd be a happy girl.  A good day for me is taking a book and a notebook and my ipod and sitting in a cafe, and then maybe later going to another one and having a bit of lunch, maybe meet a friend later in the day.  Heaven!  I love coffee so much, the stronger the better, I love finding the best seat and position in the cafe and I love staying there all day, reading, writing, people watching.  Sadly, no one gets paid for doing this, misery!

Well, that was a bit long winded, sorry!  My nominations for the Versatile Blogger Award are:

Lani; Rachel and JRD - I know we're meant to choose 15 people, but really, it's just too many!  So I'm nominating three of my favourite bloggers, but certainly all of you deserve all the awards in the world!

My sneaky peeks for the last few days have shown 16st4lbs (228lbs) which is 19lbs lost and officially 3lbs down from last week's weight, but only 1lb down from the week before.  But I'll wait til Friday to post official weigh in results.  Getting bored of the scale not whooshing down like it did during pre-op.  I think I'm doing ok with food.  Sometimes it's a little tricky to decide whether a food is a mushie or just a soft-ish food.  I wonder if I'm having things I shouldn't be having.  But all seems to be fine.  On average I'm having about 1000 calories per day, is that normal?  I must confess that I've had a few pieces of chocolate in the last few days, but logged them all on my fitness pal (which is brilliant!) and they haven't sent me over the edge calories wise.  I speak to my dietician in a couple of weeks (I'm on mushies until the 12th) and she'll advise me of a diet plan, but for now I've only got basic guidelines.  I haven't been told how many calories to have or how much protein.  My first fill is on the 23rd November, 3 weeks to go.

Well done if you're still with me, that was a pretty long post.  Much love xxxxx

Silly Scale

Well I'll be damned, I got back on the scale this morning about half an hour after my first (and official) weigh in, and suddenly gone were those extra 2lbs and I was at the same weight as last week - 16st5lbs(229lbs).  I don't know how 2lbs could've melted away in half an hour, I only had a wee in between!  My scale is fairly new but it wasn't very expensive, maybe the scale is a rubbish one?

In other news, though mushies start tomorrow (though it's after midnight, so I guess it's tomorrow now), I had some tuna with mayonnaise for dinner - I thought I'd be able to eat the whole can with 2tbsp mayo, but I don't think I even managed quite half.  It's a funny thing to be full on so much less than before.  I chewed it to death and took small mouthfuls - does tuna mayo count as a mushie?  Oh dear, it's suddenly occurred to me that it might not be??

I was wondering if anyone knew how I might film a vlog?  I just recently bought a webcam because my computer doesn't have one built in - but I don't know if there's a program on my computer that lets me record things - do you have to download some software to do it?  Sorry, probably a silly question, but I'd really like to do a vlog so you can all see me!

And lastly, thank you so much for your comments and your virtual hugs - I can't tell you how much better it made me feel to have them all fly in after my post earlier.  I feel so lucky to be blogging and to 'know' you all and have your support as well as being inspired by your stories.  This community really helps me feel less alone. x

Weigh In Grump

So it's weigh in day.  As reported in my last post, I seemed to have gained 3lbs overnight.  I managed to lose 1lb of that but I still have to report a gain.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st7lbs (231lbs)
Weight Loss this Week: +2lbs
Total Loss: 16lbs.

I know that we're meant to focus on recovery, not weight loss, but I just feel so demotivated by this.  I feel so miserable all the time, I shut myself away from my friends, I don't answer my phone, I hide.  And then when I do try and contact people, I don't get much of a response, like they don't want to see me.  I was just hoping that I'd feel less miserable because I'd had the surgery and that I'd be losing weight, not gaining it.  I haven't gone over 1000kcal per day so it must just be nonsense or a scale based head fuck.  I go onto mushies tomorrow which I'm looking forward to, but I fear it'll just lead to another gain next week.  Sorry for the pity party. x

Pics and progress

Ok, it seems that the last post went through so I'm trying again with crossed fingers!

I'm now on Day Eleven since surgery and am doing just fine.  Haven't needed any painkillers for the past 5 days and have been far more mobile.  I think my incisions are healing fine, though a little stitch is sticking out of one of the small ones which is creeping me out because it's like a transparent spider's leg!

Very frustratingly, I stepped on the scale for a sneaky peek this morning and it said I was THREE pounds UP since my weigh in on Friday.  This is unacceptable.  However, for my weigh in last week I was using different scales to usual so perhaps I didn't really lose 6lbs last week.  I didn't think they were that different though, maybe a lb max.  My calorie consumption has risen by about 200kcal since week one but I'm still on liquids and not going above 1000kcal per day.  What's happening?!

Here are my starting pictures - though taken the day before surgery so I was already 12lbs down.  I don't know what possessed me to do underwear shots, but perhaps the more awful these ones are, the better I'll feel when I have some progress and goal pics to compare them with.  Sorry they're so crap, I really should've got someone else to take them.

And here's me before surgery, though I hadn't yet been adorned with my oh so sexy compression stockings!

And a gruesome one, my main incision, taken 2 days ago.  Gross!

So a nice handful of grotesque pictures for your viewing pleasure!  I'm hoping that the 3lbs I seemed to have gained in the past 5 days are just an awful mistake and that they'll disappear quickly.

I'm not too hungry, but am sick of liquids.  Only 2 more days!!  Did anyone go onto mushies a tiny bit early?  I'm not getting enough protein at the moment, and I definitely need to work on getting more water.  Also, can't wait to get back to the gym and really start feeling the benefits of losing weight and the band.  I feel kind of frustrated at the moment because I still feel so lethargic.  Hopefully changes will be noticeable soon.

Much love to you all xxx

Blogger trouble!

I've posted twice now and I don't think my posts are going through.  Very frustrating.  Let's see if this one works.  I had posted a lovely long post with pictures and everything!

Day 6 and Weigh In

I am so behind on all your blogs!  I don't know if I'm going to be able to catch up on all of them...so I'm sorry not to have commented on anything for nearly a week.  But thank you all from the absolute bottom of my heart for all your comments, they made me feel so much better.

It's Day 6 now and I'm feeling quite a lot better.  I'm still pretty tired (doesn't help that it's freezing with dark skies at 11am over here in England) and I have some pain behind my left collar bone and left side, feels like a stitch.  But other than that, much better.  I took my dressings off yesterday in the bath (how wonderful to have a bath!)  Then I decided I had to wash my hair (it'd been nearly a week, yuck!) and thought this would be easier in the shower than in the bath.  I also chose this moment to be when I took the final dressing off to reveal the biggest wound.  Now, I don't know if it's just me being a wuss again, but taking those sticky dressings off when they're so stuck to your skin, really hurts!!  So there I was standing in the shower trying not to cry whilst taking this dressing off and slowly revealing the horrible cut underneath and...I fainted!!  Fell right down into the bath bashing my knee really hard and my boob.  It was a horrible shock and I just sat there in the empty bath sobbing whilst my mum on the other side of the door tried to insist she could break the door down to help.  No way was she seeing me in all my naked glory!!  Luckily it's only my knee that hurts, I was so worried that falling down (and let's face it, it was a pretty heavy fall) so soon after surgery was going to screw everything up, that my band was going to ping off my stomach or something.  Obviously not!

On to more exciting news...weight loss!  Weigh in day seems to have moved to Fridays now so this morning meant weigh in.  I know that once I'm on mushies and then solids pre-fill I may not lose much or even gain a little but I'm taking this week's weight loss as a victory.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st5lbs (229lbs)
This Week's Loss: 6lbs
Total Loss: 1st4lbs (18lbs)

This is WONDERFUL!!!  I know I've only been existing on liquids (which is getting OLD by the way) and not getting in many calories, but I thought that might hinder rather than help my weight loss.  I'm really glad to have seen a big number because it's hard to remember why you're putting yourself through all this pain sometimes.  And one of my favourite things about weigh in day is that I get to update my ticker!

Day Three

Thank you all so so much for your comments!  Sorry not to have posted again sooner.  I've had quite a lot of pain and discomfort.  Maybe I'm just a complete wuss, but I don't tolerate pain that well and it makes me panicky.  But the pain is definitely less today.  I've spent most of the past 2 days sleeping, topping up pain meds every 4-5 hours.  I've been really struggling to eat/drink anything.  I know I need to do better.  I just hate that uncomfortable feeling in my chest!  My goals for today are more walking and more water.  I've been having little walks around the house, but I'd really like to go outside today.  I managed to have a shower today (taped a plastic bag around my belly) which was a wonderful thing!  I should be able to take my dressings off tomorrow or the next day.  I've also been having injections each day to prevent blood clotting (my sister's been doing them so far) and man, do they sting!  Only four more to go.  Did any of you find it hard to take deep breaths and struggle to get much down?

I ended up telling my sister and my best friend.  I'm glad I did, they've both been lovely and have been visiting me.  Both were quite shocked.  My friend said she thought these things were only for really big people (like 800lb men) but I told her, this is what big enough for WLS looks like.  I felt quite vulnerable telling them, but I know that they'll be supportive regardless.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll feel a lot better.  I've got quite a bit of pain in my mid section and chest and behind my left collar-bone.  I'm going to try and eat/drink more to get my strength up.

xxx

BANDED!!!

I did it!  I made it through surgery and out the other side!  I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable and am burping my head off!  Just managed to have a little bit of soup after not really eating anything for 36hrs.  Have had loads of water and am doing fine.  Propped up on the sofa at home now.  Will give you more details when I'm feeling up to it.  Thank you all for your lovely messages, love you all! x

We're on like donkey kong!

All your crossed fingers and toes and eyes and whatevers paid off!  I AM BEING BANDED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so so relieved that it all went through in time and that my diagnosis didn't mean the surgeon couldn't give me surgery.  I leave in 3 hours to drive up to Birmingham where the hospital is (only a 2-3hr drive), where mum and I will stay overnight and then I we'll get to the hospital by 7am.  I'm not allowed any food after midnight and no water after 5am (I'm going to set my alarm for 4.45am and just glug all the water I can) - the dry mouth and thirst after surgery is one of the things I'm least looking forward to, I tend to feel panicked if I'm thirsty.

The second exciting thing is that I had my end of pre-op weigh in today.  It would've been tomorrow but I'm not taking my scales.  I'm sure they'll weigh me, but it won't be the same.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st11lbs (235lbs)
Total Loss: 12lbs!!!!!

I am absolutely delighted as my aim was to lose 7lbs during pre-op.  I'm worrying my head off about my liver being too fatty because even though I lost 12lbs, I definitely didn't stick to the diet exactly and had three big sugar binges.  But overall I did ok, I've been eating so much less than I had been.  It's a relief not to be eating so much.

So, thank you so much you fantastic and brave and gorgeous women, thank you for your virtual hugs and concern and positivity.  It really helped get me through.  I'll do my best to post on Sunday afternoon just to let you know that I'm ok and home.  Wish me luck!  See you on the other side. x

Psychiatrist

Unlike in America, a psych evaluation is not a standard part of the pre-op, for most people it isn't required (though we do have to fill out depression questionnaires and reveal any mental health problems).  But because of the information sent to my surgeon about my depression, it became essential.  Terrified of delaying surgery, I went to see a private (very expensive) psychiatrist for an assessment (in general as I have been meaning to do it for years) and specifically for surgery.  He confirmed what I thought which is that he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (though the name's now being changed to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and Binge Eating disorder.  However, he didn't see any reason why surgery couldn't go ahead.  He said that I had the capacity to make the decision, that I was aware of all the pros and cons and he is going to ok me for surgery in his report.  So now - with less than 36 hours to go til surgery (booked in at 7am, Saturday), and only 21 hours until mum and I leave to drive to Birmingham, I have to be sent the report by the psychiatrist, I then have to forward it to my patient care co-ordinator, who will then forward it to my surgeon who will then *fingers crossed* approve my surgery.  So it's all dependent on the right people seeing the right information in time.  It is VERY stressful.  Right now I don't know for sure if I am having surgery on Saturday but I am just going to carry on as though that original plan is in place, otherwise I will be too upset and it might be upset over nothing.  SO - I am waiting on an email from the psychiatrist and I'm fighting the urge to pester him - it's nearly 8.30pm here and although he did say it would be evening when he sent it, it's getting quite late.  I just want to know that I'm having surgery!!

Don't read this if you're sensitive to F-Bombs.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck.  My fucking surgery date may well have been fucking pushed back due the fucking ineptitude of my GP practice and my stupid fucking mental health problems.  Fuck's sake.

Basically got a call from the nurse today saying that because of the information only just received and processed from my GP (I basically have 2, home and uni) relating to my depression and 3 trips this year to see them about suicidal feelings - including a suicide attempt in January (not sure if I should share that or not...), that I have to see a psychiatrist before I can have surgery.  Apparently the psychoanalyst who I've been seeing for nearly 18 months won't do.  To see a psychiatrist on the NHS here could take up to 3 months, I can't wait that long.  Surgery HAS to be this Saturday as planned.  Right now I'm planning to see a private psychiatrist tomorrow, costing me £600!!!!!  I don't have that kind of money.  Mum has offered to put it on her nearly empty credit card, but even then, it's not certain that I will be able to have surgery in time - depending on what the surgeon thinks about the outcome (that's even if he accepts a private psychiatrist over an NHS one) - AND - I don't know what outcome of the appointment would mean I can or cannot have surgery.  They haven't told me if surgery will be completely cancelled if I get a certain diagnosis or not.

THIS IS TOO HARD, I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS.  I'm terrified that it's all going to go wrong and I'll never be able to have surgery and I'll be this way forever.

One week down, one week to go.

Weird...I posted yesterday but I'm not sure that it went through properly...And now when I try and copy and post it, it's got a pink background.  So Weird!!  I'm just going to write the whole post again.  It said there were zero page views on the post...maybe I'm just being ignored all of a sudden...who knows?!


Anyway, my news was, that I'd had my first weigh in...and am now only 6 days from surgery!!  It's so soon!  Can't believe it!  So, I do weigh in every day (can't help it) but Saturdays are my official weigh in days for now.


Starting Weight:  17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight:  17st1lb (239lbs)
Total Loss:  8lbs!!!!!


Woohoooooooo!!  This is the most I've ever lost in a week and I now have just under 100lbs to lose!!  The pre-op diet is hard because I feel deprived.  It's not that I'm massively hungry all the time, but I just feel like I'm being punished.  I think I felt this as a child since it was very rare we had treats and all I saw was everyone around me at school being allowed a sweetie day or dessert that wasn't fruit.  But I'll get through it.  


This time next week I will be a bandit!!!

Day 5 = Success

Just wanted to quickly say thank you so much to those of you who commented on my post yesterday.  I feel so much better knowing that everyone struggles with the pre-op diet and that I will get through it.  Today was a very good day in terms of the diet, I'd say about 95% good which is enough for me.  I've been feeling a bit chirpier today too, it's been a long time since I've felt like that.  I went to a life drawing class this evening which was great, I love life drawing, especially in charcoal.  I wonder if I could ever have the body confidence to strip off like our model did in a room full of 40 strangers and friends.  Could any of you?!

Screw Up

Ok - a scary, honest account of the last 4 days.  Be gentle.

I started well and have mostly continued well.  It's not a liquid diet that I have to do but one that consists of 2 eggs for breakfast, chicken salad for lunch, and fish/chicken with green vegetables for dinner.  Plus 3 x fruit per day, s/f jelly and broth.  So I'm sure it's not as awful as the liquid diet.  BUT...it is very hard because I'm still just eating regular food with the same lack of willpower as I had last week and for the the whole rest of my life. I have cheated twice.  Not little cheats, big cheats.  First day was fine, big pat on the back.  Second day I was in a terrible emotional state (still am) about university and whether I should really be here, about where I live and generally hating all the anxiety that stops me living a normal life.  And I thought I was going to explode, to jump out of the train, to...I don't know what.  And the only way I could think of to break this cycle of thinking was to have food.  I ate a bag of chocolate and a bag of sweets.  Not individual servings.  It was a horrible thing to do after a successful start.  Not put off by this, it has happened again.  Yesterday did perfectly and most of today and then I had the same panic/stress build up and I bought more sweets.  I CANNOT afford to do this again.  The fear I have that surgery won't be performed because my liver is too fatty, or that maybe I don't deserve to have a band if I've found the first four days so hard.  But thing is that through the days it was fine, and on the good days it was fine.  I didn't have a problem with the food I was having, I wasn't even that hungry, I missed lattes and diet coke but didn't feel starved.  But it is the emotional eating that I couldn't control.  Please someone tell me they screwed up at least once on the pre-op, even in just a small way??  Or that I can get past this...  Oh dear.

Pre-Op Diet - Day One.

Today was the first day of my 2 week pre-op diet.  I can't believe that this time in 2 weeks, I will be banded.  It feels like someone else's story, I can't believe all this is actually happening.  Today was ok, though I had quite long gaps between eating so I got quite hungry before dinner.  I live in a shared flat of 8 on campus and sadly my anxiety disorder has reared its awful head and is causing me a lot of problems when it comes to going into the kitchen.  I know logically that my flatmates are just people, just like me, that they won't hate me or hurt me, but I become paralysed and I can't seem to force myself to just go to the kitchen and make food.  If I can't overcome it, it's really going to get in the way of my healthy eating.  I have to get a handle on it.

Today was my official starting weight weigh in.  It is the highest number I have ever seen on the scale, but at least it will never be there again.  It's only down from now on.  I weighed in at:

17st9lbs (247lbs)!

Oh dear oh dear.  I'm feeling very nervous and small when I think about the task in front of me.  But we all adapt don't we.  Hopefully the next two weeks will whoosh by and before I know it, I'll be out of surgery and thinner than I am right now.  I'll get around to taking some 'before' pics soon. x

Zumba!

Hello lovelies,  I hope that everyone who's off to Chicago for BooBs has an amazing time!  I am so jealous!

I went to my very first Zumba class yesterday!!!  It is SO fun!!  I loved the music and the laughing when I'd inevitably turn the wrong way of kick the wrong leg or almost trip myself (and others) over.  I used to think I was quite coordinated, despite being very clumsy, but it seems not to be so.  It was tiring and I sweated a huge amount but otherwise really enjoyed it!  Modified some moves but didn't stop once!  NSV!  I'll definitely be doing it again.  The only real draw back was my fitness level and how much my ankles hurt - they hurt when just walking too, it's incredibly upsetting for me to know that I have practically disabled myself by eating.  But...

...In more exciting news, my pre-op diet starts in 2 days, on the 1st October!!  I've been eating a lot.  And worrying that I won't be able to have things I love before I start the diet, but it will all be worth it!  I have this feeling that starting the diet and then in a little over 2 weeks having surgery, will just be such a relief!  A relief from eating this way and feeling so lethargic and sitting in bed every night surrounded by food.  And in only 2 days the change begins!  Oh no, that made it sound like I was having a sex change or something - you all know what I mean.  I am nervous as hell, but I am so sure this is the right decision.  It's pretty much just a countdown from now on!  I have to pay my bill of £5000 on Saturday (already paid the deposit) so that's a bit scary, but at least then it's real.

x

Quickie

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post.  I just quickly wanted to say that I suddenly felt really guilty for saying 'I wish I was stronger' - because not for a single second do I think any of you are weak and in no way (like many less educated about the band) think it's the easy way out, or cheating or anything.  I think you are all so strong and so brave for doing this.  For some reason I can't seem to be quite so kind about myself, even though I'm doing the exact same thing.  I plan to try to look at myself the way I look at you - with admiration, pride and love. x

Big Man

I was talking to my ex boyfriend today (long complicated history), and he was telling me that he has been dieting for the last 3-4 weeks.  He's 6'4" with a starting weight of 350lbs ish, now down to about 329lbs.  This is great for him and I'm glad he's not finding it too tough (he's never really dieted before).  I then thought, I'll just check what his starting BMI was and to my utter HORROR, it was nearly 2 points lower then mine.  Now, I'm not saying I wish his was higher, of course not - but what upset me was the fact that so many people that I know talk about his weight and how big he's gotten and how he needs to do something about it or he'll have a heart attack at 50.  He openly jokes about his weight, and it's never really bothered him much until recently, so the topic is up for a fair bit of discussion when he's around.  So to discover that I am in fact bigger than him really knocked me for six.  What it means is that everything everyone thinks about him and his size, saying how enormous he is and how much he must eat to get to that size, they must think of me.  And I am even bigger for my height than he is!  What must people think of and/or say about me if they think that of him.  Even my best friend L talks about him like that all the time - I can only assume that she does see me as that big.  And even though I am truly happy for him that he's taking charge of his weight, I am jealous that he seems to be finding it all so easy on his first try when I have struggled for so so long with my weight and am now at my last resort.  I wish I had been stronger.