Silly Scale

Well I'll be damned, I got back on the scale this morning about half an hour after my first (and official) weigh in, and suddenly gone were those extra 2lbs and I was at the same weight as last week - 16st5lbs(229lbs).  I don't know how 2lbs could've melted away in half an hour, I only had a wee in between!  My scale is fairly new but it wasn't very expensive, maybe the scale is a rubbish one?

In other news, though mushies start tomorrow (though it's after midnight, so I guess it's tomorrow now), I had some tuna with mayonnaise for dinner - I thought I'd be able to eat the whole can with 2tbsp mayo, but I don't think I even managed quite half.  It's a funny thing to be full on so much less than before.  I chewed it to death and took small mouthfuls - does tuna mayo count as a mushie?  Oh dear, it's suddenly occurred to me that it might not be??

I was wondering if anyone knew how I might film a vlog?  I just recently bought a webcam because my computer doesn't have one built in - but I don't know if there's a program on my computer that lets me record things - do you have to download some software to do it?  Sorry, probably a silly question, but I'd really like to do a vlog so you can all see me!

And lastly, thank you so much for your comments and your virtual hugs - I can't tell you how much better it made me feel to have them all fly in after my post earlier.  I feel so lucky to be blogging and to 'know' you all and have your support as well as being inspired by your stories.  This community really helps me feel less alone. x

Weigh In Grump

So it's weigh in day.  As reported in my last post, I seemed to have gained 3lbs overnight.  I managed to lose 1lb of that but I still have to report a gain.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st7lbs (231lbs)
Weight Loss this Week: +2lbs
Total Loss: 16lbs.

I know that we're meant to focus on recovery, not weight loss, but I just feel so demotivated by this.  I feel so miserable all the time, I shut myself away from my friends, I don't answer my phone, I hide.  And then when I do try and contact people, I don't get much of a response, like they don't want to see me.  I was just hoping that I'd feel less miserable because I'd had the surgery and that I'd be losing weight, not gaining it.  I haven't gone over 1000kcal per day so it must just be nonsense or a scale based head fuck.  I go onto mushies tomorrow which I'm looking forward to, but I fear it'll just lead to another gain next week.  Sorry for the pity party. x

Pics and progress

Ok, it seems that the last post went through so I'm trying again with crossed fingers!

I'm now on Day Eleven since surgery and am doing just fine.  Haven't needed any painkillers for the past 5 days and have been far more mobile.  I think my incisions are healing fine, though a little stitch is sticking out of one of the small ones which is creeping me out because it's like a transparent spider's leg!

Very frustratingly, I stepped on the scale for a sneaky peek this morning and it said I was THREE pounds UP since my weigh in on Friday.  This is unacceptable.  However, for my weigh in last week I was using different scales to usual so perhaps I didn't really lose 6lbs last week.  I didn't think they were that different though, maybe a lb max.  My calorie consumption has risen by about 200kcal since week one but I'm still on liquids and not going above 1000kcal per day.  What's happening?!

Here are my starting pictures - though taken the day before surgery so I was already 12lbs down.  I don't know what possessed me to do underwear shots, but perhaps the more awful these ones are, the better I'll feel when I have some progress and goal pics to compare them with.  Sorry they're so crap, I really should've got someone else to take them.

And here's me before surgery, though I hadn't yet been adorned with my oh so sexy compression stockings!

And a gruesome one, my main incision, taken 2 days ago.  Gross!

So a nice handful of grotesque pictures for your viewing pleasure!  I'm hoping that the 3lbs I seemed to have gained in the past 5 days are just an awful mistake and that they'll disappear quickly.

I'm not too hungry, but am sick of liquids.  Only 2 more days!!  Did anyone go onto mushies a tiny bit early?  I'm not getting enough protein at the moment, and I definitely need to work on getting more water.  Also, can't wait to get back to the gym and really start feeling the benefits of losing weight and the band.  I feel kind of frustrated at the moment because I still feel so lethargic.  Hopefully changes will be noticeable soon.

Much love to you all xxx

Blogger trouble!

I've posted twice now and I don't think my posts are going through.  Very frustrating.  Let's see if this one works.  I had posted a lovely long post with pictures and everything!

Day 6 and Weigh In

I am so behind on all your blogs!  I don't know if I'm going to be able to catch up on all of them...so I'm sorry not to have commented on anything for nearly a week.  But thank you all from the absolute bottom of my heart for all your comments, they made me feel so much better.

It's Day 6 now and I'm feeling quite a lot better.  I'm still pretty tired (doesn't help that it's freezing with dark skies at 11am over here in England) and I have some pain behind my left collar bone and left side, feels like a stitch.  But other than that, much better.  I took my dressings off yesterday in the bath (how wonderful to have a bath!)  Then I decided I had to wash my hair (it'd been nearly a week, yuck!) and thought this would be easier in the shower than in the bath.  I also chose this moment to be when I took the final dressing off to reveal the biggest wound.  Now, I don't know if it's just me being a wuss again, but taking those sticky dressings off when they're so stuck to your skin, really hurts!!  So there I was standing in the shower trying not to cry whilst taking this dressing off and slowly revealing the horrible cut underneath and...I fainted!!  Fell right down into the bath bashing my knee really hard and my boob.  It was a horrible shock and I just sat there in the empty bath sobbing whilst my mum on the other side of the door tried to insist she could break the door down to help.  No way was she seeing me in all my naked glory!!  Luckily it's only my knee that hurts, I was so worried that falling down (and let's face it, it was a pretty heavy fall) so soon after surgery was going to screw everything up, that my band was going to ping off my stomach or something.  Obviously not!

On to more exciting news...weight loss!  Weigh in day seems to have moved to Fridays now so this morning meant weigh in.  I know that once I'm on mushies and then solids pre-fill I may not lose much or even gain a little but I'm taking this week's weight loss as a victory.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st5lbs (229lbs)
This Week's Loss: 6lbs
Total Loss: 1st4lbs (18lbs)

This is WONDERFUL!!!  I know I've only been existing on liquids (which is getting OLD by the way) and not getting in many calories, but I thought that might hinder rather than help my weight loss.  I'm really glad to have seen a big number because it's hard to remember why you're putting yourself through all this pain sometimes.  And one of my favourite things about weigh in day is that I get to update my ticker!

Day Three

Thank you all so so much for your comments!  Sorry not to have posted again sooner.  I've had quite a lot of pain and discomfort.  Maybe I'm just a complete wuss, but I don't tolerate pain that well and it makes me panicky.  But the pain is definitely less today.  I've spent most of the past 2 days sleeping, topping up pain meds every 4-5 hours.  I've been really struggling to eat/drink anything.  I know I need to do better.  I just hate that uncomfortable feeling in my chest!  My goals for today are more walking and more water.  I've been having little walks around the house, but I'd really like to go outside today.  I managed to have a shower today (taped a plastic bag around my belly) which was a wonderful thing!  I should be able to take my dressings off tomorrow or the next day.  I've also been having injections each day to prevent blood clotting (my sister's been doing them so far) and man, do they sting!  Only four more to go.  Did any of you find it hard to take deep breaths and struggle to get much down?

I ended up telling my sister and my best friend.  I'm glad I did, they've both been lovely and have been visiting me.  Both were quite shocked.  My friend said she thought these things were only for really big people (like 800lb men) but I told her, this is what big enough for WLS looks like.  I felt quite vulnerable telling them, but I know that they'll be supportive regardless.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll feel a lot better.  I've got quite a bit of pain in my mid section and chest and behind my left collar-bone.  I'm going to try and eat/drink more to get my strength up.

xxx

BANDED!!!

I did it!  I made it through surgery and out the other side!  I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable and am burping my head off!  Just managed to have a little bit of soup after not really eating anything for 36hrs.  Have had loads of water and am doing fine.  Propped up on the sofa at home now.  Will give you more details when I'm feeling up to it.  Thank you all for your lovely messages, love you all! x

We're on like donkey kong!

All your crossed fingers and toes and eyes and whatevers paid off!  I AM BEING BANDED TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so so relieved that it all went through in time and that my diagnosis didn't mean the surgeon couldn't give me surgery.  I leave in 3 hours to drive up to Birmingham where the hospital is (only a 2-3hr drive), where mum and I will stay overnight and then I we'll get to the hospital by 7am.  I'm not allowed any food after midnight and no water after 5am (I'm going to set my alarm for 4.45am and just glug all the water I can) - the dry mouth and thirst after surgery is one of the things I'm least looking forward to, I tend to feel panicked if I'm thirsty.

The second exciting thing is that I had my end of pre-op weigh in today.  It would've been tomorrow but I'm not taking my scales.  I'm sure they'll weigh me, but it won't be the same.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight: 16st11lbs (235lbs)
Total Loss: 12lbs!!!!!

I am absolutely delighted as my aim was to lose 7lbs during pre-op.  I'm worrying my head off about my liver being too fatty because even though I lost 12lbs, I definitely didn't stick to the diet exactly and had three big sugar binges.  But overall I did ok, I've been eating so much less than I had been.  It's a relief not to be eating so much.

So, thank you so much you fantastic and brave and gorgeous women, thank you for your virtual hugs and concern and positivity.  It really helped get me through.  I'll do my best to post on Sunday afternoon just to let you know that I'm ok and home.  Wish me luck!  See you on the other side. x

Psychiatrist

Unlike in America, a psych evaluation is not a standard part of the pre-op, for most people it isn't required (though we do have to fill out depression questionnaires and reveal any mental health problems).  But because of the information sent to my surgeon about my depression, it became essential.  Terrified of delaying surgery, I went to see a private (very expensive) psychiatrist for an assessment (in general as I have been meaning to do it for years) and specifically for surgery.  He confirmed what I thought which is that he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder (though the name's now being changed to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) and Binge Eating disorder.  However, he didn't see any reason why surgery couldn't go ahead.  He said that I had the capacity to make the decision, that I was aware of all the pros and cons and he is going to ok me for surgery in his report.  So now - with less than 36 hours to go til surgery (booked in at 7am, Saturday), and only 21 hours until mum and I leave to drive to Birmingham, I have to be sent the report by the psychiatrist, I then have to forward it to my patient care co-ordinator, who will then forward it to my surgeon who will then *fingers crossed* approve my surgery.  So it's all dependent on the right people seeing the right information in time.  It is VERY stressful.  Right now I don't know for sure if I am having surgery on Saturday but I am just going to carry on as though that original plan is in place, otherwise I will be too upset and it might be upset over nothing.  SO - I am waiting on an email from the psychiatrist and I'm fighting the urge to pester him - it's nearly 8.30pm here and although he did say it would be evening when he sent it, it's getting quite late.  I just want to know that I'm having surgery!!

Don't read this if you're sensitive to F-Bombs.

Fucking fuck fuck fuck.  My fucking surgery date may well have been fucking pushed back due the fucking ineptitude of my GP practice and my stupid fucking mental health problems.  Fuck's sake.

Basically got a call from the nurse today saying that because of the information only just received and processed from my GP (I basically have 2, home and uni) relating to my depression and 3 trips this year to see them about suicidal feelings - including a suicide attempt in January (not sure if I should share that or not...), that I have to see a psychiatrist before I can have surgery.  Apparently the psychoanalyst who I've been seeing for nearly 18 months won't do.  To see a psychiatrist on the NHS here could take up to 3 months, I can't wait that long.  Surgery HAS to be this Saturday as planned.  Right now I'm planning to see a private psychiatrist tomorrow, costing me £600!!!!!  I don't have that kind of money.  Mum has offered to put it on her nearly empty credit card, but even then, it's not certain that I will be able to have surgery in time - depending on what the surgeon thinks about the outcome (that's even if he accepts a private psychiatrist over an NHS one) - AND - I don't know what outcome of the appointment would mean I can or cannot have surgery.  They haven't told me if surgery will be completely cancelled if I get a certain diagnosis or not.

THIS IS TOO HARD, I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS.  I'm terrified that it's all going to go wrong and I'll never be able to have surgery and I'll be this way forever.

One week down, one week to go.

Weird...I posted yesterday but I'm not sure that it went through properly...And now when I try and copy and post it, it's got a pink background.  So Weird!!  I'm just going to write the whole post again.  It said there were zero page views on the post...maybe I'm just being ignored all of a sudden...who knows?!


Anyway, my news was, that I'd had my first weigh in...and am now only 6 days from surgery!!  It's so soon!  Can't believe it!  So, I do weigh in every day (can't help it) but Saturdays are my official weigh in days for now.


Starting Weight:  17st9lbs (247lbs)
Current Weight:  17st1lb (239lbs)
Total Loss:  8lbs!!!!!


Woohoooooooo!!  This is the most I've ever lost in a week and I now have just under 100lbs to lose!!  The pre-op diet is hard because I feel deprived.  It's not that I'm massively hungry all the time, but I just feel like I'm being punished.  I think I felt this as a child since it was very rare we had treats and all I saw was everyone around me at school being allowed a sweetie day or dessert that wasn't fruit.  But I'll get through it.  


This time next week I will be a bandit!!!

Day 5 = Success

Just wanted to quickly say thank you so much to those of you who commented on my post yesterday.  I feel so much better knowing that everyone struggles with the pre-op diet and that I will get through it.  Today was a very good day in terms of the diet, I'd say about 95% good which is enough for me.  I've been feeling a bit chirpier today too, it's been a long time since I've felt like that.  I went to a life drawing class this evening which was great, I love life drawing, especially in charcoal.  I wonder if I could ever have the body confidence to strip off like our model did in a room full of 40 strangers and friends.  Could any of you?!

Screw Up

Ok - a scary, honest account of the last 4 days.  Be gentle.

I started well and have mostly continued well.  It's not a liquid diet that I have to do but one that consists of 2 eggs for breakfast, chicken salad for lunch, and fish/chicken with green vegetables for dinner.  Plus 3 x fruit per day, s/f jelly and broth.  So I'm sure it's not as awful as the liquid diet.  BUT...it is very hard because I'm still just eating regular food with the same lack of willpower as I had last week and for the the whole rest of my life. I have cheated twice.  Not little cheats, big cheats.  First day was fine, big pat on the back.  Second day I was in a terrible emotional state (still am) about university and whether I should really be here, about where I live and generally hating all the anxiety that stops me living a normal life.  And I thought I was going to explode, to jump out of the train, to...I don't know what.  And the only way I could think of to break this cycle of thinking was to have food.  I ate a bag of chocolate and a bag of sweets.  Not individual servings.  It was a horrible thing to do after a successful start.  Not put off by this, it has happened again.  Yesterday did perfectly and most of today and then I had the same panic/stress build up and I bought more sweets.  I CANNOT afford to do this again.  The fear I have that surgery won't be performed because my liver is too fatty, or that maybe I don't deserve to have a band if I've found the first four days so hard.  But thing is that through the days it was fine, and on the good days it was fine.  I didn't have a problem with the food I was having, I wasn't even that hungry, I missed lattes and diet coke but didn't feel starved.  But it is the emotional eating that I couldn't control.  Please someone tell me they screwed up at least once on the pre-op, even in just a small way??  Or that I can get past this...  Oh dear.

Pre-Op Diet - Day One.

Today was the first day of my 2 week pre-op diet.  I can't believe that this time in 2 weeks, I will be banded.  It feels like someone else's story, I can't believe all this is actually happening.  Today was ok, though I had quite long gaps between eating so I got quite hungry before dinner.  I live in a shared flat of 8 on campus and sadly my anxiety disorder has reared its awful head and is causing me a lot of problems when it comes to going into the kitchen.  I know logically that my flatmates are just people, just like me, that they won't hate me or hurt me, but I become paralysed and I can't seem to force myself to just go to the kitchen and make food.  If I can't overcome it, it's really going to get in the way of my healthy eating.  I have to get a handle on it.

Today was my official starting weight weigh in.  It is the highest number I have ever seen on the scale, but at least it will never be there again.  It's only down from now on.  I weighed in at:

17st9lbs (247lbs)!

Oh dear oh dear.  I'm feeling very nervous and small when I think about the task in front of me.  But we all adapt don't we.  Hopefully the next two weeks will whoosh by and before I know it, I'll be out of surgery and thinner than I am right now.  I'll get around to taking some 'before' pics soon. x

Zumba!

Hello lovelies,  I hope that everyone who's off to Chicago for BooBs has an amazing time!  I am so jealous!

I went to my very first Zumba class yesterday!!!  It is SO fun!!  I loved the music and the laughing when I'd inevitably turn the wrong way of kick the wrong leg or almost trip myself (and others) over.  I used to think I was quite coordinated, despite being very clumsy, but it seems not to be so.  It was tiring and I sweated a huge amount but otherwise really enjoyed it!  Modified some moves but didn't stop once!  NSV!  I'll definitely be doing it again.  The only real draw back was my fitness level and how much my ankles hurt - they hurt when just walking too, it's incredibly upsetting for me to know that I have practically disabled myself by eating.  But...

...In more exciting news, my pre-op diet starts in 2 days, on the 1st October!!  I've been eating a lot.  And worrying that I won't be able to have things I love before I start the diet, but it will all be worth it!  I have this feeling that starting the diet and then in a little over 2 weeks having surgery, will just be such a relief!  A relief from eating this way and feeling so lethargic and sitting in bed every night surrounded by food.  And in only 2 days the change begins!  Oh no, that made it sound like I was having a sex change or something - you all know what I mean.  I am nervous as hell, but I am so sure this is the right decision.  It's pretty much just a countdown from now on!  I have to pay my bill of £5000 on Saturday (already paid the deposit) so that's a bit scary, but at least then it's real.

x

Quickie

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last post.  I just quickly wanted to say that I suddenly felt really guilty for saying 'I wish I was stronger' - because not for a single second do I think any of you are weak and in no way (like many less educated about the band) think it's the easy way out, or cheating or anything.  I think you are all so strong and so brave for doing this.  For some reason I can't seem to be quite so kind about myself, even though I'm doing the exact same thing.  I plan to try to look at myself the way I look at you - with admiration, pride and love. x

Big Man

I was talking to my ex boyfriend today (long complicated history), and he was telling me that he has been dieting for the last 3-4 weeks.  He's 6'4" with a starting weight of 350lbs ish, now down to about 329lbs.  This is great for him and I'm glad he's not finding it too tough (he's never really dieted before).  I then thought, I'll just check what his starting BMI was and to my utter HORROR, it was nearly 2 points lower then mine.  Now, I'm not saying I wish his was higher, of course not - but what upset me was the fact that so many people that I know talk about his weight and how big he's gotten and how he needs to do something about it or he'll have a heart attack at 50.  He openly jokes about his weight, and it's never really bothered him much until recently, so the topic is up for a fair bit of discussion when he's around.  So to discover that I am in fact bigger than him really knocked me for six.  What it means is that everything everyone thinks about him and his size, saying how enormous he is and how much he must eat to get to that size, they must think of me.  And I am even bigger for my height than he is!  What must people think of and/or say about me if they think that of him.  Even my best friend L talks about him like that all the time - I can only assume that she does see me as that big.  And even though I am truly happy for him that he's taking charge of his weight, I am jealous that he seems to be finding it all so easy on his first try when I have struggled for so so long with my weight and am now at my last resort.  I wish I had been stronger.

An Award...for moi?

Goodness!  I have received 2 nominations for the Liebster Blog Award!!  Thank you so much to JRD and Rachel for nominating me!!  It's incredible to have all this support and I absolutely love and avidly read your blogs!  I've been away from blogger for a few days so I sort of think I've missed the boat a little with the Liebster Awards so I'm not officially passing it on, as I reckon most people have one already - but know that I love reading all your blogs and you all deserve awards and praise and cuddles for your bravery and brilliance!

In other news, I've moved back to uni.  Managed to pack everything, drive up (1.5hrs) and unpack without getting too stressed.  My mum was a great help, and I didn't once want to throw her out the window!  I'm back in halls of residence on campus and my room is lovely.  It's on the fourth floor and my entire view is of beautiful autumnal leaves.  I'm in a flat of 8 and I've met a few so far - I'm quite nervous and I feel completely panicked at the idea of socializing with these new people, but I'm sure it'll be fine in a couple of weeks.

I got a few protein shake samples, one was like a shot - 25g protein, fruit punch flavour - it was DISGUSTING!!!  It tasted like some sort of lethal fruity medicine.  I only had a couple of sips and then decided there was no way I was going to buy it again.  The other two I got and haven't tried yet, one is more like a sports drink, 500ml and 40g protein (I plan to only have half at a time after all your thoughts about 25g protein being the maximum you can process at one time); and the other is a 10 serving sample pack of whey protein powder in strawberry cream flavour.  Must make some headway in trying these to make sure I've got something to drink after surgery.

Speaking of surgery - it's less than 4 weeks away!!  I start the pre-op diet in 12 days, that is so soon!!  I'm so excited!  Though I weighed myself today and I was up to 17st3lbs (241lbs), this will be the result of lots of meals out with my dad when he came to visit from Australia.  I feel awful about my weight at the moment.  I think I look terrible, my worst - I'm tired and I got pains in my legs when I walk, I go bright red and get out of breath when walking up a hill, I hate it!  But I don't need to get too down about it because change is a-coming! x

Protein Shakes

Hello lovelies, just a quickie to ask advice about protein shakes.  The wonderful vickyd suggested that I start testing out different protein shakes to see which ones I like.  A very smart suggestion.  Now sadly, I live in England which is surely infinitely less cool and advanced than America, so protein shakes aren't that readily available, and the ones that are seem to be more hardcore muscle builders huge vats of protein powder that scare me a bit.  So I can't really ask for specific recommendations, though I will be getting most of my shakes online, so there might be some American ones that ship to the UK.  Anyway, what I was wondering was...what do you consider to make a good shake in terms of nutritional information - how many calories would you usually have for what volume of shake, and the same for grams of protein??  Lots of the ones I've seen have 20g but some even have 40g for not too high a calorie count.  Also, does anyone drink protein shots rather than a long shake?  Big love x

Pre-pre-op.

20 days and counting until I start my pre-op diet.  I'm lucky in that I'm not required to do a liquid diet, or (as is popular with some of the other surgeons at my provider) a milk or yoghurt only diet.  Instead I'm allowed:

• 4 eggs per day
• 1 chicken breast and 1 piece of fish per day
• broth
• 3 x fruit per day
• green salad and green vegetables
• sugar free jelly

How does that compare to your pre-op diets?  I'm not feeling too worried about it...yet.  What I have been thinking about though is that with three weeks until I start the diet (5 weeks til surgery), what should I do until then?  I've been eating terribly as usual and part of me feels like I should just eat whatever I want whenever I want while I still can.  But the other part is itching to get going and that time now spent not losing weight, is time wasted.  And that if I started now, getting to my goal weight is that much closer?  So I was wondering what everyone did in the lead up to their pre-op diet and surgery?  Whether you found yourselves cutting down a bit, eating less and more healthily straight away, or binging right up until the last minute?  I'm sure that whatever feels right is ok, but I just want to get this show on the road and yet I feel like I should take advantage of this time to eat eat and eat some more.

CopyKitty

First of all I have to say a big fat weepy THANK YOU to all of you incredible and inspiring women who are following my blog and leaving me such kind and enthusiastic comments.  I am so grateful and it's truly giving me something to look forward to each day.  Am I allowed to say I love you yet?

I'm just plodding along, trying to read like a crazy person in preparation for the new year at uni starting in 2 weeks time.  I met up with an old friend today who's a fitness instructor and she runs a spin class which I some how wound up promising I'd go to on Tuesday.  I've been to spin once before and sort of enjoyed it but I have to say, it doesn't half hurt your bum!  Something about that hard saddle.  The pain in the arse (excuse the pun) is even worse than the exercise itself, but my friend has promised me a padded saddle to ease the pain.  Does anyone else go to spin?

So why am I a copycat (or kitty, one of my favourite words and one of my favourite things)?  Because I'm going to join in with the rest of you and do my very first BYOC courtesy of the fabulous Drazil!  (Thanks so much Draz for commenting on my blog!)  Here goes nothing!

1. Do you drink coffee? Decaf or regular? Cold or hot? If not – what’s your go-to morning drink?


I LOVE coffee!  I do remember a time when I hated it but really wanted to like it because I thought it was cool and grown up.  I don't know when the transition took place.  About 2 years ago I stopped putting sugar in my coffee because I wanted to taste the coffee not the sugar.  Stronger the better.  Always a latte.  Hot or cold.  YUM.


2. What are your top six characteristics in a partner if you could hand pick them. And just for kicks – if you’re in a relationship – after you make the list of six – does the person you are with possess all five?


Funny - not just a good sense of humour, but I would love to be in hysterics as much as possible with my future husband (wherever he may be, he's late!)
Passion - he's got to be excited about things, interested in learning and seeing the world and thinking.
Compassion - someone that's able to really look outside themselves and feel for another person.
Loyal/Reliable - someone who never makes me feel like he might leave.
Good Daddy material - got to be a great father.
Strong - someone who is mentally strong who can absorb all my crazy without being burdened and act as a big soothing armchair for the days I'm struggling with my anxiety etc.
(Not necessarily in that order.)


3. I’m going to pick a person – not knowing if this person even exists in your life – and you try to describe this person in 5 short words or sentences:

Paternal grandfather


My Dad's Dad is a former Methodist minister and he and my grandmother (both still alive) live a very minimal life.  I find it very difficult to spend time with them because it doesn't feel possible to have a normal conversation with them, like every question or topic is pre-planned by them and you can't veer from that.  I only see them every 4 years or so as my Dad lives in Australia and I'd rather not see them on my own.


4. What’s your signature item? Color? Piece of clothing or jewelry? Accessory? You know – that one thing people know you will ALWAYS have on?


Sadly, it is that I always wear black.  And yes, it's because I'm fat and black is slimming.  My bulges are just so much more visible in light colours.  Over the last 2 years I've been trying harder to buy more colourful clothes and I think I have made some progress, but apart from when I'm in my pj's, I'll always be wearing at least one item of black clothing.


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog life.


Blog life has been amazing - I now have 36 followers which is incredible and the encouraging comments have been flying in - I could not be more grateful!!  I really enjoy blogging and am sure I'll keep it up!


Real life is ok.  I've been having a few issues with my ex (who I still see a lot of, sometimes naked) which is stressing me out.  My Dad's coming for a visit from Australia next week which I can't wait for!  VERY excited about having my surgery date but am feeling frustrated as I just wish it was now already! x

Drumroll please...

Well, guess who's getting banded?!!  ME!!!!!  And two weeks earlier than I initially planned.  On Saturday 15th October, I'm to be banded and join the cool crew with the rest of you!  I am beyond ecstatic!!

So I went up to London for my consultation (in a very fancy area near Oxford Street), felt a bit nervous at first as the male receptionist was a bit dismissive and not very...soft - he weighed me and measured my height.  I weighed in on their scales at 17st (238lbs), and I was 161cm - I've just checked and that's actually not quite 5'3", it's like 5'2.8" but I'm rounding up.  That makes my BMI 42.2.  Yuck, but good to have a starting point.  However, my scale at home this morning said I was 16st11lbs (235lbs) and I'm sticking with my scale that has me pre-food, post-bathroom and butt naked that I'll be using most of the time.  Then I waited in the swanky waiting room feeling nervous until I was called in by my surgeon who I've decided I might just love a little bit.  He was direct and friendly and practical and called my 'my love' and asked me what degree I'm doing etc.  I felt completely at ease with him and felt that he was a good man, he has 1600 gastric band operations under his belt so I feel he's completely competent.  He said that overall complication rate is about 5% - how does this compare to the results of your surgeons?  I asked all my questions, he showed me the Lap Band and said my port will be positioned centrally above my belly button and below my chest.  He also said he doesn't put any saline in the band during surgery.  After I felt satisfied that I had all my questions answered, he sent me back out to the waiting room where I was collected by the patient care co-ordinator who was really warm and sweet and not too formal, we went through the pre-op and post-op diets and what would happen the day of surgery. I didn't feel at all like she was pushing me to sign on the dotted line which was a relief.  But I absolutely felt that I was in the right place, that all my research had paid off in as much as I didn't feel bewildered or in over my head at all.  So I did it, I paid my deposit of £500 and secured my surgery date.  I decided the sooner the better which is why I went with the 15th instead of my originally planned 29th.  I felt that the less time spent in the sugar haze of last supper syndrome the better and I felt as though it would help to quell my anxiety.  But most importantly, my mum wasn't able to come with me on the 29th and as I've decided for now not to even tell any friends, and I didn't want to go alone, Mum is the only person who can accompany me to the hospital.  The 15th October is only 5.5 weeks away!!  I'm only 3.5 weeks away from starting my pre-op diet and I'm that much closer to becoming a skinny little runner bean!

I can't wait to get the band.  I feel like it's absolutely the right thing to do, I'm completely prepared to make all the changes long term.  Thank you all so much for all the advice I've received through your blogs and as always, thank you so much for your comments and your love.  It's wonderful to have a feeling of solidarity in an adventure where I'm otherwise alone. x

Quivering with antici...pation.

My consultation is tomorrow at 2pm.  Obviously I can't sleep because I'm SO EXCITED and nervous (and have long term insomnia) but mostly excited.  I'm in a position where if all goes well I can put down my deposit there and then and in doing so, secure my surgery date (hopefully October 29th).  I just really want to get some of this rolling, I want more info and confirmation that I'm a good candidate for surgery and once surgery is booked I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and gradually start unzipping this fat suit I've been wearing my whole life.  I'm so over it.  I'm a bit scared about going up there and having to talk about my weight and everything, it's humiliating, but I know that that's what they deal with everyday and I don't have to be embarrassed.  I can't believe this is happening.  One day...I'm going to wear a bikini.  Ha, sounds like a joke in my head right now, but I mean it.  Thank you all so much for your comments and for following me, if I'm not following you yet just comment with a link to your blog, I'm ploughing through them from start to finish, I LOVE hearing about your lives and your journeys, it's so inspiring.  I've been met with such warmth by you all, it's LOVELY!! x

Bootylicious

A moment ago, my jaw dropped, my eyes widened and I gasped - I have 21 followers!!!  I can't believe it!  I can't believe anyone would possibly be interested!  If I'm not following you (bearing in mind I can't see who my followers are at the moment), just comment with a link to your blog and I will scoot on over there.

Being a university student, my year is always interrupted by long holidays (oh woe is me, I know!) where I tend to come back home (where I am at the moment) on the south east coast of England.  It's lovely here, I truly think that my hometown is the best place in the world, even Venice didn't give me quite the same feeling.  But as of the 17th of this month, I'm heading back up to uni (about 40 minutes away from London) where I feel more like I can get on with my life.  I'm there for the majority of the year, I'm back in halls of residence this year which will be nice, not having to worry about bills or cleaning my kitchen!!  I've been faffing around with my degree for a couple of years - I'm now going into my second year (for the second time) and will graduate in 2013.  I study English Literature with Philosophy which is...it's great, but I'm not very disciplined about reading books that I don't like and there's lots of dull compulsory reading.  But I feel motivated for the first time in 5 years to really try and work hard and attempt to leave uni with good grades and a bit of pride.  So at the moment, I'm reading as much as possible in preparation for the start of term.

So why bootylicious?  Obviously a Destiny's Child song so works perfectly with my blog title - but here it refers to the fact that I'm going to get my bum in the gym once I get back up to uni.  And get this...I literally couldn't be nearer to the gym, I can see it from where I live, my block of flats is the nearest building to the gym on campus!  SO I have absolutely zero excuse.  It'll take me 2.5 minutes probably to get from my room to the gym.  If I'm slacking, do feel free to remind me of this fact.  I've been looking at the exercise class list.  I've done about 5 group classes before, and I like them, but they make me nervous.  Especially at my uni where there are a lot of sporty types and all the girls I've seen going into the classes look thin and energetic.  But if I can get my lovely friend and gym buddy, E, to go with me, then maybe I won't be so afraid.

I want to go to: ZUMBA!!!  It's on twice a week - Tuesdays at 7pm and Fridays at 5.30pm.  the Friday might be a bit of a tight squeeze as I have a lecture that finishes at 5pm.  I also want to go to Step, Boxercise and Fat Attack.  Also, anyone have an opinion which is better, yoga or pilates?  I've done pilates before and really liked it, but what do you reckon?  Both classes are offered at my gym.  Other than that my gym is fairly small and basic but if you go at the right time it's not too busy.  There's a weights room but it's full of smelly sweaty men, I've never once seen a woman go in there.  But there are weight machines and free weights in the main room as well.  I'm planning to work on a 5k.  I started C25k a few months ago and got to week three before my diet and exercise started to go belly up.  I found it a bit frustrating, so I may not go back to it and instead set 5k on the treadmill and just try and improve my time every week.

No longer alone!

I am so unbelievably happy to not be all by my lonesome in blog land anymore.  I have been reading all your blogs like crazy (I'm a bit obsessive about reading them from start to finish, so forgive me if I haven't got round to commenting yet, it won't be long!)  I'm so excited to get to know you all, it's funny how after reading somebody's blog you feel as though you know them in real life.  Thanks again for your lovely comments - I'm glad the followers widget is working even if I can't see who's following me, I will get the problem fixed!

In other news, I think I've finally worked out how to afford the surgery.  I decided I didn't want to tell my grandparents or step-father.  I really commend the courage in those of you who tell anyone who asks about the band - but I'm just not brave enough right now.  I'm a very hyper-sensitive person and I fear that any flippant comment, even if it isn't meant in a negative way, might derail me emotionally.  So...

The wonderful woman (close friend of my mum's) who is offering to help with surgery, I shall call her J, has offered me £3000 with the option of more if I need it.  I am bowled over by her generosity with the initial amount so I feel a bit ungrateful for asking for a further £500, but that's what I'm going to have to do.  She did offer further money so I'm not doing anything wrong by asking for more - and it is a loan not a handout, so... that's £3500 sorted.

My mum is going to contribute £1000 that she'll put on her credit card.  She's such an amazing woman, I know she'd give my sister and I every last penny if she could.

So that leaves me with £1500 to find.  As I said a couple of posts ago, there are bits of money I can access:  I have  approx £250 saved, plus £360 owed to me in tax = £610.  I'm going to apply for a student credit card which I see no reason that I'd be denied for - max is £500 I believe = £1110.  All that's left is £390.  I can make this with the money I have in my current account plus a bit of student loan money and I'll hopefully get £150-£200 from doing a bit of admin work for my uncle.

What this means is...I CAN AFFORD SURGERY!!!!!!  Wahooooooooooooooooooo!!  I haven't really felt able to celebrate until now because I wasn't sure it was going to be a possibility.  But now, I don't really see any reason why it won't happen.  Obviously pending my consultation on Wednesday, in three days time!  I asked the patient care co-ordinator in the phone if there was any reason I might be turned down - she said only if I had some serious pre-existing medical problem that would make the surgery too risky.  So unless they deem me too bonkers (I have been in therapy for over a decade), I should be up up up and away!!

Wow!!

Yesterday, I very nervously and tentatively posted a comment on Lap Band Gal's blog - bearing in mind I have been somewhat of a band-blog lurker for about 18 months - and am so so delighted to have heard back and so grateful that she gave me a lovely shout out on her wonderful blog!!  And thank you as well to all you fabulous ladies who have posted comments, it is wonderful to hear from you all and I'll be reading your blogs at once!!  Many of you have mentioned that I need to add the followers widget to my blog which I think I have done...but for some reason my internet won't show it to me - it says page not found - anyone else had this trouble or know what it could be.  It's the same when I look at your blogs too - I can't see the followers!  However, it is there...so maybe now you'll be able to follow me.  Do let me know if isn't working and I'll try and figure it out, or enlist the help of someone with computer smarts!  Anyone thank you all again, I really hope to become part of the incredible group of bloggers on here.  Much love x

Money makes the world go round.

Oh my, I think I might just be on my way!!  I posted a letter yesterday to the dear friend of my mother's, asking if she might be able to help me with a loan and...she rang me this morning and in fact came straight over to talk to me.  Interestingly, her main question was, 'is it possible for you to lose weight?'  I explained to her that I had successfully lost some weight in the past, the most being 3.5st (49lbs).  She seemed happy to hear this and has offered to lend me a minimum of £3000.  I can't believe it, her generosity has overwhelmed me and I am so lucky to have a friend like her who understood how I must be feeling and is in a position to help.  She said that if I had trouble getting up to the full amount (£5950) that she would be able to lend me more.  I am SO EXCITED!!!  So what is the money plan??  Well, I really want to avoid telling my grandparents about my choice to have the band.  I just think that they wouldn't really understand.  That in the past there weren't options such as weight loss surgery and people just got on with their lives.  I think my grandfather might just say 'why can't you just eat less?!'  Well, if it was that easy, I'd have done it wouldn't I?  SO - my mum is going to pay the £500 deposit.  Then, once my tax rebate comes through I'll have £360 from that.  I so far have £205 saved.  5950 - 4005 = £1945 left to find.  That feels a lot more manageable than almost £6000.  But that doesn't make getting it any easier.  I was trying to think whether I owned anything that I could sell...I'm the opposite of a hoarder, I minimise and ruthlessly get rid of things that I don't need.  I feel like too much stuff equals chaos.  I've managed to do a couple of carboot sales (like a yard sale for you Americans out there) in the past, never made more than about £75 though.  Anyway, nothing left to sell.  I've got a bit of money in my account and could maybe add £350 to my total.  Then my student loan comes through in September...this isn't really very much and I still have to live for four months on £500 per month.  I wonder if mum has any more leeway on her credit card...?  I should be eligible for a £500 student credit card.  Ok so...if I could get the credit card then overall that's another £850 towards the surgery.  Leaving me with a bill of £1095...should I bite the bullet and tell my grandparents and ask them for some money, or should I ask my friend for another grand on top of the £3k she's already giving me?  I'd love some advice if anyone's out there....?  Helllooooo?  Sorry for the boring numbers, a boring post really...but I really feel like this might be happening.  I could really be thin one day?  And getting this money together is the only way I can get there.  What to do...

I am the walrus

I hope that one day, I could maybe look a little bit like Christina Hendricks. I have the same basic shape as her...I think - hiding under all this fat. I'm basically a walrus at this point. Anyway - I received the medical questionnaire from THG yesterday, it's pretty much what I expected. It asked about medical (physical and mental) history and a bit of weight history. There's also a part in it to be filled in at your consultation. There was also a very comprehensive information guide about the band and the specifics of my pre and post op diets. It was really good to get all this information under my belt. Only six days to go until my consultation! So far no news on the finance front. My mum keeps saying vaguely but assuredly, that it'll be fine, that we'll find a way, that I don't need to worry. Although I'm sure she's trying to reassure me, this seems like a pretty flimsy thing to say. I ask how, and she says, things always come together. The fact is, that if I want surgery at the end of October, I need to come up with nearly £6000 in 6 weeks. I'm sending the letter I've written to my mum's close friend who I think may help me. It will be very good to hear back from her. On top of these financial worries, I'm having a NIGHTMARE with the student finance company who are saying they won't pay my fees for this year because it's a repeated year. I'm having to repeat the year because my mental health, which had been particularly low this past year, prevented me from completing the year. There is meant to be a mechanism in place that allows people with medical (mental and physical) problems extra year funding. So I also have to come up with £1700 in 2.5 weeks so that I can enrol. I swear they are trying to kill me with stress. In other news, my weight today is 16st12lbs (236lbs). This is good I guess, but I haven't put down a starting weight as I haven't technically started. But all of last week my weight was 17st(238lbs) so I was planning to take that as my starting weight. Height: 5'3" Age: 23 Starting Weight: 17st (238lbs) Goal Weight: 10st (140lbs) Holy Shit Goal: 9st (126lbs) I guess I'll do measurements soon as well. I can't wait for my thick 'cankles' to disappear!

Fatty Pic and Finance Fail.

So here's another oh so delightful picture of me from mid June when I was in Madrid. I was probably about 10lbs lighter then than I am now just 2.5 months later.

I got an email from the finance company I'd applied to. It's a no go. Not unexpected. They require you to have an income of £1000 per month minimum and be a home owner if you're applying for more than £4k. I barely had a hope that I'd be approved for it so I'm not upset. I was looking at credit union loans with my mum and we were getting hopeful, but then I discovered the the first loan they issue isn't very much and is again income assessed. I expect it's impossible to get a loan without an income. Once I'm back at uni I'm going to try to get a job, but I still won't earn very much because I can't do many hours (due to uni work and my poor mental health).

In brighter news, I've begun to compile a folder of my journey and write everything beautifully in a note book. This satisfies my love of stationary and having things organised. I've written a whole long list of questions to ask my surgeon and patient care co-ordinator at my consultation which is only a week tomorrow. I really hope to have some idea of my money situation by then so that I don't feel overexcited by the consultation only to have my dreams destroyed by lack of immediate funds.

Fatty Pic.

Forgive the stupid face. This photo was taken about 6 weeks ago when I went to Wales to visit a friend of mine. I wear a lot of black - I have a kind of basic uniform of leggings and a black vest top that I wear pretty much every day. I haven't worn trousers or jeans for...10 months? And only then it was because I had to wear trousers to work. I don't wear them because I'm short and my belly is very large and I don't want to wear my trousers up to my waist for fear of the dreaded too tight around the crotch problem. It's funny, I've not missed wearing jeans particularly (I love leggings, nothing is as comfy), until the last couple of days when I just wished I could slip on a pair of black skinny jeans to go with a couple of nice tops I have.

I'm starting to hope. This might just happen. I've booked and paid for my consultation - no going back from that. I know that my ideal surgery date is free. My mum has said that one way or another, we'll find the money. I won't breathe a sigh of relief until surgery is booked and paid for though (needs to be paid a fortnight before surgery). Could I really be thin? It's absolutely overwhelming thinking about being at my goal weight. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it!

Progress = EXCITEMENT!!!

Firstly I must say thank you to Alison for my first comment! I've read your blog from start to finish and really enjoyed learning about your journey with the band - especially as we're both UK based. Thanks again!

Second of all - I spoke to the head patient care co-ordinator at THG this morning. She was very nice and friendly and although it was clear she goes through a lot of these phone calls, I didn't feel as though she was bored or was treating me in any way other than as an individual.

I have booked my consultation!!! On the 7th of September (9 days from now) I will be heading up to the London clinic to meet with my surgeon and patient care co-ordinator. I do wonder whether me choosing this particular surgeon was a bit of an arbitrary choice though. It was partly that he was in the right place at the right time. I really wanted to get an appointment in London (nearest for me), as soon as possible - but I don't think there's any real difference between the surgeon's in terms of qualifications - and he has been working privately and with the NHS for a long time. Obviously if I don't get a good vibe from him on the 7th, then I can change. But to be honest, I don't want to go through all the faff of having another consultation and meeting another surgeon etc. So fingers crossed that he's lovely and brilliant! AND - he is available to perform surgery on my ideal date - 29th October - exactly 2 months from today!! But in order to secure that date I have to pay the £500 deposit - we'll see what happens in 9 days time.

I have suffered an awful lot with depression, anxiety etc and that's been at an all time low this year - but today I feel really, truly excited. I don't think I've felt this excited since Wimbledon was on at the beginning of July (I'm a MASSIVE tennis fan btw). I'm taking steps to change my life. To change the thing that affects me all day every day, affects my decisions, everything. I wish the consultation was today and the surgery a week from now, but I mustn't be greedy. Although gluttony is certainly my most prominent sin!

Oh, and another thing - my surgeon's pre-op diet (not sure how long, 1-2 weeks?) isn't a milk and yoghurt or liquid only diet!! It's a healthy, high protein diet instead. Part of me wanted the liquid diet because it might help me lose weight more quickly, but I know it would be very difficult and doesn't teach me how to eat in the long term. I do feel like I want to start losing weight now. RIGHT NOW. But then another part of me can feel last supper syndrome coming on.

I just can't believe that this might really be happening.

Finance.

Mega Stress! Went on a nice walk in the woods with my mum and my sister's dog, and, as we usually do when on walks, we discussed my 'issues' (of which there are many). The subject de jour was of course the surgery and how we might be able to afford it. The problem with having to ask others for money, is that you kinda have to tell them what it's for. I don't want to tell my grandparents. I don't want to tell my step dad (he tactless and a blabbermouth), I don't want to tell my Dad (and therefore can't really ask his brother, my uncle, especially as I've only met him once - he's rich though...) I, for some reason, don't mind telling my mum's friend who has quite a bit of money and no family to speak of (she's in her 70s) who has been a great financial help to me over the past year or so, helping me to afford my therapy sessions. Maybe because I feel as though she'd be the greatest help to me in this situation (most money and has openly said she's happy to help with medical or educational purposes). It's like I owe it to her to explain the situation.

So, why don't I want to tell anyone...not because I'm ashamed of the choice to get the band, I'm certainly not. But I do worry that others who know less about it will see it as the easy way out and will think I'm weak and pathetic and lazy...do I think I'm those things and am projecting/transferring them? Perhaps. I long for the day when I don't think so badly of myself. I don't want to tell anyone because ultimately I'd be drawing attention to my weight and thus my eating habits and my slothful nature and the gross things that are sadly associated with being morbidly obese such as chafing, sweating, smelling, misery... I don't want those things to pop into people's heads and affect their opinion of me. Though of course it's silly because they can all see how overweight I am anyway.

It's funny how others perceive you though. I'm pretty sure none of my friends would guess that I'm morbidly obese. One of my closest and dearest friends L is so sweet and has said to me (as has my sister) that they just don't see my size. L said that she couldn't really see the difference between me now and me five years ago when I went from 15st7lbs (217lbs) to 12st1lbs (165lbs). She must be blind! That's 5st (70lbs) difference from my smallest to my current biggest. My biggest ever has been 17st4lbs (242lbs) but that's not far away from where I am now.

Back to finance. I've just applied online for a medical loan through the company connected to my chosen provider. I'm not hopeful. I'm sure they're income assessed (the form asked for income/employer etc) and seeing as I'm a student and have to live on about £6000 a year (that's all my year's money gone with the cost of surgery if I was paying for it myself), it's unlikely that they'll deem me suitable as they have no proof that I'd be able to pay it back. BUT - if they do approve me then I am gonna be one hell of a happy kitty. Mustn't get hopes up. Dashed hopes are like dashed heads - painful.

Beyonce.

If (or rather a big fat WHEN) I get my band, the tool I need to build my house of dreams etc - I am going to name her Beyonce. I've seen that lots of people name their bands, I'm not sure how everyone decides though. My love for Beyonce is a fairly new thing. Over the last year I've begun to admire her more and more, and then finally, some time after the event, I saw the footage of her headlining Glastonbury on youtube and completely fell in love. She is AMAZING. Brilliant, inspiring, powerful. I aspire to be like her and I want to love myself that way she does herself. Only then will I have enough respect for myself, my body, to stop treating so badly and really live my life. So as my inspiration, my role model I suppose, my tribute to Beyonce is to name my life changing band after her.

I do hope I'm not jumping the gun...I haven't even had my consultation yet...
Btw...I think it's a sign...If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it...halo...these are shaped like a BAND no less!! It's practically written in the stars!

Bonkers.

This isn't my first blog. I started one up about 18 months ago after I got my first rejection from the NHS regarding funding for weight loss surgery. I'd already begun reading hoards of lap-band blogs and thought that even though I wasn't getting a band, that blogging might help me lose weight. It didn't. So I have deleted that blog in favour of this b(r)and (ha!) spanking new one.

Why you may ask!?!

Well, it looks like I just might be getting myself banded. Yup, joining the club of bandsters and bandits all around the globe. I am DESPERATE. I feel like I'm not living. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm struggling to see the point in living without confidence, without self-belief, without the mobility I should have. And believe me I have tried. I have worked my arse off to lose weight and I've been successful to some degree every time. But never enough. And never lasting. I wouldn't go down this route unless it was a last resort (now I've got that Papa Roach song stuck in my head!) However, I'm not currently anywhere near being certain that this surgery is going ahead. I mustn't get my hopes up too soon! About three weeks ago I sent my mum an email telling her that I was desperate, that I felt the only way I could lose weight was with the help of the band and would she please help me. I couldn't say these things to her face. I'm too ashamed. Too humiliated about my size and my failures. The reason I had to discuss it with her is that I need help to put the money together to fund this venture. I'm a mere university student and I don't even have a part time job (yet!). I know she's got only a little money herself, but she believes there are sources that could loan us the money. My grandparents and a wealthy close friend of my mother's. In order to borrow money from these people, I have to explain why I need it. This is one hell of a challenge, bearing in mind the best I could was send an email to my own mother (who I'm very close to) discussing my weight. Now I have to go to people I'm not as close with and ask for money. I feel ashamed. I have been saving and I've currently got enough for the consultation and the £500 deposit (total cost £5950) which is a start at least. Mum thinks she could put a bit of the cost on a credit card and I might be eligible for some sort of finance/credit card (though I'm not hoping for much as they're often income assessed and I have no income). Perhaps it seems wrong for me to be attempting to have surgery when it is beyond my financial means - but if I don't do it now, if I wait for three or even five years until I've saved up enough money to pay for it on my own, I have no doubt that I will be far heavier than I am today and with a good handful of failures to add to my list. I can't go through another failure, as I'm sure anyone with a weight problem will know, the failure of every diet is one of the absolute worst parts of being obese.

Speaking of weight... I suppose I should go for the big reveal...much like whipping your clothes off when skinny dipping (or chunky dunking as I shall insist on calling it whilst there ain't no skinny here!). Drumroll....

17st (238lbs) of chubba chubba, gotta get that down to at least 10st (140lbs) to be within a healthy bmi and much more hubba hubba than chubba chubba! I've never been thin. I don't know if 10st will look best. Might be too big (I'm 5'3") or might be too small (I do have a pair of fabulously heavy fake breasts), I just don't know. So my goal is 10st, but my 'holy shit' goal is much more like 9st so I can be slap bang in the middle of my healthy bmi and not have to worry about slipping into the overweight category.

So...plan of action:
Call The Hospital Group (THG) to arrange a consultation ASAP.
Devise a letter to the people I'm appealing to for financial support.
Speak to the financial group associated with THG to discuss my options.

Ideally (and we do not live in a world of ideals, do we?!) I would have my surgery somewhere on or around 29th October - that's two months tomorrow. I'd be off uni for reading week so would be able to recover with no distractions or commitments, it would be perfect. But I don't know how long it usually takes between consultation and surgery. I would have it as soon as possible if I could. I don't mind missing a few days of classes if needs be, but most likely I'd be able to attend seeing as I'll be living on campus no more than 5 minutes from anywhere I'd need to be!

I will keep you posted! I love blogging and I'm so hoping to get some followers and make some friends on here - I've read close to 60 blogs of bandsters and I can't wait to join the club. x