Betty Boo!

I get to see my beautiful niece, Betty, today!  She was adopted by my mum's second cousins who live in the Midlands, in December and I've seen her once since then at the beginning of March.  I miss her every day.  However, I know she's in a wonderful environment and she's so loved and it's better than anything my sister could have offered her.  In terms of stability, safety, opportunity etc.  After I visited her in March, I just found myself at peace with the whole situation.  It had been agony, but seeing what a wonderful place she lives in (a farm, converted barn, sheep, pigs, dogs, quiet and beautiful village, with her new Italian grandparents living in an annexe of the house, and three big siblings (in their late teens/twenties) to love her and dote on her.  I am just so happy she wasn't adopted out of the family and into a situation that meant we'd never see her again.  My sister fucked up, and to some degree I'll never forgive her.  But on the other hand, her mental illness is a bitch and she suffers every day.
Anyway, I can't wait to see that gorgeous girl today - she turned one two weeks ago and she's crawling and doing all sorts of new things I can't wait to see.  Very excited.
Thank you for your lovely comments on my previous post - love xxx

And Back to the Surface I Ascend!!

My gorgeous jellybeans, how I've missed you!  How I've missed rest, watching TV, seeing friends, doing anything other than furiously reading and writing essays in the darkened cubicles of the library alongside hundreds of other desperate, feverishly studying peers!  But I can officially announce...

I FINISHED MY DEGREE!!!!!!!

Ok, so this is a big deal.  It has taken me two gap years and five years studying (for a degree that should have taken three years), several house moves, a suicide attempt, abusive relationships, bereavement, oh my god and so much more.  My niece being adopted last December and losing my dear friend, Zac in November were the worst things I have ever experienced (and I'd already been through so horrifying shit), but I made it, I did it.  I don't want to dwell on everything that's happened over the last seven years, I don't want to come across as a victim.  But I just need to put this achievement into perspective.  There were so many times I never thought I'd finish.  And I can't quite believe I made it.  I wrote 30,000 heavily researched words in the past two months and I can BREATHE for the first time in weeks and weeks.
I finished on Monday and went up to uni (5 hour round trip) to hand in the final essay.  It was so unceremonious, you just plonk the essay in a basket marked 'All Undergraduate Essays', no fanfare, no medal, nothing!  Ha!  But then, when I got home, exhausted and emotional, my incredible boyfriend had put congratulations decorations up, balloons, my favourite flowers (yellow roses), chocolates (naughty!), champagne - AND - he'd cleaned the whole flat top to bottom.  He then proceeded to take me out to dinner at a great tapas place nearby, and then for cocktails.  I didn't expect any of it and was just bowled over - damn, I love that man!
So since Monday, Ben's sister had a little girl, Lily to add to her little brood of two boys.  I consider those kids my nephews and niece and I love them with all my heart.  I went to the hospital with the boys and Ben's mum just 4 hours after she'd been born - such a gorgeous little one!
On Thursday I passed my driving theory test with 96%, very happy about that!  My bestie took me out for cocktails that afternoon to celebrate that and finishing my degree.
I've been applying to jobs and have had interest back from a recruitment agency that want to hire me on a temp basis to start with whilst looking for a full time job for me.  It's incredible that I'm making this progress and taking these steps with my anxiety disorder.  I think necessity is boosting me.  I know I may not always be able to function like someone with good mental health, but I don't ever want to use it as an excuse to just laze around and not try.  I have to try.  I don't want to have to live off the government when I am capable of working with perhaps just some adjustments to help me overcome my anxiety in unfamiliar situations and with new people.  I just need a little more help.
So, on to band news.  I had a fill 10 days ago of 0.2mls so that's just 0.05 less than my highest fill level that I got taken out in January.  Immediately I feel more in control, I can't eat bread or pasta or pizza any more and I have to be really careful taking tiny bites and leaving ample time between them.  I've been avoiding binge foods (apart from divulging in all those celebratory chocolates, a few crisps - that's chips for you stateside, and the cocktails and champagne - though they're not binge foods for me, but they're still a bit naughty) and haven't had any binge episodes since my fill.  The ugly side of it though, was the weigh in I had at the band appointment...I'll just say it - 231lbs.  I want to be sick.  My lowest was 197lbs and that makes for a total gain of 34lbs since November.  I hate it, I wish it hadn't happened.  The timing of all that misery that began at the end of last year combined with having an unfill that I see now was a terrible mistake - means that it is what it is.  I survived on chocolate chip cookies, chocolate, sweets, cakes - even eating pizza and lots of pasta.  I have to own it.  I will not let myself just blame the traumatic time I experienced and say it's understandable.  Because in life there will be more traumas, more loss, more pain - and I have to find a way to deal with it, get through it somehow, without food.  The only thing food can fix is hunger.  Nothing else.
I've joined our gorgeous Robyn in her quest to get Coke free - I don't drink soda because it gives me hellish shoulder and band pain, (though champagne, gin and tonic, things with much smaller bubbles are ok) - but I really want to avoid sugar where possible.  I'm still having a bit in things like flavoured yoghurts (only one a day at about 70 calories, ain't so bad), but generally I'm avoiding.  I know for certain, and it's taken a long time for me to learn, or rather accept this, that sugar is my demon and it always will be and I have to find a way of not letting it control me and instead learn to leave it.  It adds nothing good to me or my life.  It only takes away good things, happiness, my body, my mind - it takes them all as prisoners.  I've avoided the scale since the fill apart from once, a couple of days ago.  The scale said 228.2lbs, 2.8lbs down in a week.  I'm excited by that - I haven't lost any weight for so long.  Gaining for 6 months is so so demoralising.  And although I hate that I'm so near my starting weight (247lbs), and I have to re-lose so many previously hard earned lbs, I just gotta suck it up, accept the situation, and get losing.
I've got my 5k in just over 5 weeks - I have SO MUCH TRAINING TO DO!  I haven't run in weeks (I completely blame my degree), but if I'm going to complete that race, I've got to get going.  My wonderful personal trainer friend who set me going with my 5k so kindly bought me a heart rate monitor - it plugs into my iphone and records all the data on an app.  I haven't used it yet but I'm really excited to use it to motivate me and track accurate results.  Stay tuned for more on the running...
I've missed you all so much and hope you haven't forgotten me, and I'll hopefully be able to rev up my commenting.  Big love to all xxx

Degree Stress

Hi lovelies, got a bit behind with reading your blogs but all caught up now, sorry for minimal commenting.  I have been wildly busy getting my degree finished.  Still got just over two weeks to go so I expect to be pretty absent til then.  Wish I could be blogging more right now, but just have an insane amount of work to get done.  My first deadline is this Monday when I'll be handing three essays in (that I haven't finished yet!), then one a week for two weeks.
My weight is still upsettingly high, none of my clothes fit, and I'm closer to where I started than I can bear.  However, I got in contact with my band office and have a phone appointment with the dietician on the 1st May, and then on 7th I'm going in for a fill.  I can definitely eat way too much, pizza, pasta, bread, and much too much.  I don't know about hunger because I never leave it long enough between eating to feel it.  So I'm going for a fill, aiming for about 0.2ml, I had 0.25ml taken out about 7 months ago, which coincides with the start of my weight gain, I don't know how I didn't put two and two together - stupid!
I still believe I can do this.  Once my degree is done I'm going to get back to training for my 5k, got a heart rate monitor that connects to my iphone which I'm excited to use.  I will not give up.
Love to you all xxx

Hoarders

Missing some bloggers at the moment - Andrea, Cat, Rachel, Sarah, JRD - thinking of you all - don't know if you're reading, but hope all's well.  LOVE!

It felt really good to get that last post out.  It was good and felt really positive compared to a lot of the negativity of late.  I haven't bought binge foods for the last four days now.  That's not to say I have eaten all that well, still had some things like ice cream and kitkats at home, but the I haven't spent the last 4 evenings surrounded by my chocolate and my sweets in binge quantities like I usually do.  This is a huge achievement. The evenings need to change from binge fests, to relaxation without food.  I am full after dinner, I don't need to eat.  So the habit needs to change.  And so far I'm doing that.
I've got a cold (though it's getting better) so haven't run for 6 days, but hopefully will get back to it tomorrow.

I'm on my eighth hour of learning to drive, it's going well but is stressful and scary (it's all manual/stick shift over here don't forget!)  I'm having about 4 lessons a week.

I realised that in my last post I mentioned that one of the things I like doing is researching and watching programs on hoarding but didn't explain this.  Once my degree is over (less than a month, people!) I plan to set up my own business as a professional organiser/declutterer with a focus on hoarding and life/home organisation.  I am very organised, love cleaning and organising, creating functional systems for the smooth running of home and life.  It's all very exciting.  It's the first time I've really felt motivated and excited about a potential career that is at the same time realistic (compared to previous plans of being a rockstar or A-list actress).  Just thought I'd clear that up in case you thought I was a hoarder (I'm the opposite, in fact).

Must dash.  Love xxx

Epiphany

I have a big post for you - I just free wrote a monologue and I'm not going to edit it, I'm just going to put it out there.  I didn't weigh in this week because the number was just going up.  Today I have done really well stopping, thinking, and asking whether my actions take me towards my goals.  I didn't buy any binge food and so far, apart from a bit of ketchup, haven't had any sugar.  Feeling ok.  So here goes...

"I am always going to have a problem with food.  Accept it.  Whether I’m thin or morbidly obese, food will be my battle.  This does not define me.  It does not mean I am destined to a life of binging and obesity.  I will not be normal when I reach my goal weight, I will not be able to forget everything I’ve learnt and eat like the people around me, it will require constant maintenance.  That’s ok.  That’s my deal in life and I can handle it.  I can handle it.  My size therefore, is not my lot in life.  It is changeable.  It is not who I am.  My obesity does not spell out other personality traits.  Just because I am currently obese, it does not mean that I am greedy or lazy or disgusting or weak.  It does not mean I am worthless or without motivation.  Just like if I was thin it would not mean any of those things.  My personality is separate to my body.  My personality is separate to my size.  My weight does not dictate who I am.  Just because many fat people do not like exercise and would rather sit than move, just because a lot of fat people eat huge amounts, don’t care about their bodies and would never want to run, does not mean I am like that.  It is not their fat that makes them that way, that is their personality.  My personality does not look like my body.  I am very strong.  I have overcome a huge amount in my life and have tackled some trauma that means my life isn’t easy, but I am still here.  I have not given up.  And I will not.  I am strong.  Strong people can lift and move and walk tall and move obstacles out of their way.  I am kind.  I am kind to those around me, I like doing things for people.  I am patient and considerate and gentle and loving to my friends and family.  Some wonderful people want to be around me, and they could choose to be around anyone.  But they want me.  I have a positive influence on their lives.  I instinctively want to help others and make them happy.  I can also, therefore, be kind to myself.  I would never treat anyone the way I treat myself.  I wouldn’t speak to anyone the way I speak to myself and I wouldn’t give up on any one the way I do to myself.  I would never tell anyone they were worthless and that their dreams were unachievable.  I don’t need to say those things to myself anymore.  I can say kind things to myself.  I can act kindly towards myself.  I can behave in a way that makes me truly happy and supports wellness and a good life.  Just like I would do to my loved ones.  I am funny and enthusiastic and with that comes energy.  I don’t always feel energetic, but I have to the capacity and capability to be.  The more fun I have and the more I do, the more that comes.  Enthusiasm leads to positive experiences.  The more of those I look for and embrace the better I’ll feel.  I’m intelligent.  I am close to getting my degree, I can play the piano, I understand Freud and even some Kant (not Derrida though, but who needs to?!)  I’m well read and passionate about literature.  I love reading.  I can figure things out, I can understand what is being explained to me, I know a lot of wonderful vocabulary to describe all the amazing things I see and think.  I’m intelligent and smart people often make smart decisions.  I can make those smart decisions about my life and my happiness.  Just because my body is currently this size, does not mean I don’t like exercise or healthy food, it just means I’ve taken a beating and have had a very negative and depressive attitude that does not serve me anymore.  The behaviours that I have adopted to help me through the trauma in my life are no longer useful, helpful or kind.  I don’t need those behaviours anymore.  I am strong enough to do anything and I don’t need dysfunctional and harmful behaviours to hold me down anymore, I don’t want to be held down.  I have things to do, a wonderful life to create with a fulfilling career and a wonderful family of my own to have.  I got stuff to do and I don’t need any of that pain holding me down anymore.  I can find strength in pain.  I will find the strength.

The second part of this is about want.  What do you naturally want to do?  Ask: do you want to go for a run right now?  No.  Do you want to watch a Gerard Butler film right now?  Yes.  Do you want to watch or read hoarding research?  Yes.  Do you want to do your uni work?  No.  Understanding the immediate and delayed gratification and focussing on the benefits of both, transferring the want, I will begin to make some behavioural changes.

Every time I make a decision I want to and will ask myself:  Does this take you closer to, or further away from your goals?

It’s as simple as that.  You may know the right answer but take the opposite action, but it’s a start.  But for this to work I must figure out my goals.  Goals will take a variety of forms, long term, short time and lifetime.  For now:

Finish my degree and get a 2:1.  This has to come first because of the time limit.  I can and must finish my degree in one month.  I have let my schedule slip but that does not mean all is lost.  I am smart enough to do it.  I am brave enough to do it.  Procrastinating makes me feel sad, lost, angry and pathetic.  Completing a day of studying or an essay makes me feel proud, capable and relieved.  Which would I rather feel?  I love the literature, get excited about figuring it out and enjoy it rather than feeling afraid of it.  This is your last opportunity to get stuck in because in a month it’ll be done and you will have achieved the most amazing thing.  You may even miss it once it’s gone.  You can do this.  You got this. 

Get a hold on my binge eating.  Start eating proper meals when hungry that give me nutrition, energy and satiety.  I would prefer this to eating chocolate for breakfast (leftover from the night before’s binge.)  I would like to feel hunger.  I would like to feel that my digestion is healthy.  I like the way clean eating makes me feel clean inside and clean minded. 

Get fit.  I really want to be able to run the whole 5k at the end of June.  I want to achieve my weekly goal of running 4x a week and increasing my running time a little every session (approximately one extra minute running per session).  I want to continue increasing my fitness, adding weights and resistance to my repertoire and eventually, maybe even in 2014, run a marathon.  The sense of achievement I will get from this will be immense and I would love to know what my body can do and how it will feel when physically fit and looked after."

Love to you all xxx

Run Things Run Day

1. I had my meeting with my personal training friend, R, yesterday.  We went for a run along the seafront in Brighton - 2 mins on, 1 min off x 5; 1 min on, 1 min off x 5 - it was tough, and cold which left me coughing for about half an hour afterwards.  We then spent an hour and a half chatting, I told her about my band, I admitted and wrote down my binges and all the awful eating of the last few months.  I felt really emotional but, for the first time in a while, hopeful.  She was really caring and helpful.
2. We decided to focus on non-food related behaviour changes to start with to give me a chance it success to begin with (food being my biggest obstacle).  So the changes that we worked on:
3. Get up at the same time each day.  I'm not a morning person and my time is very flexible, so I've decided to set my alarm for 9am every day and do my best not to go back to sleep.  Don't judge for the late alarm.  I always feel like shit when I wake up to an alarm, I'd LOVE to naturally wake up by 8am every day...one day perhaps.  
4. Also - for at least 30 mins before bed, to switch off the TV, computer, stop studying and just relax, read a magazine, chill.
5. Every Sunday night I've got to take my resting heart rate and send it to her.  I guess as my cardiovascular health goes up, that number should get better.
6. And in preparation for my 5k in June, I've chosen to run 4 days a week.  I'd rather do more days rather than fewer so it becomes more of a daily habit.  I was achy after running yesterday, but I went for another run today as planned.  Initially I was going to do the same program as yesterday but I didn't want to be looking at my watch every couple of minutes.  Instead I downloaded C25K and did Week 2, Day 1.  I did fine and I was really glad I did it (outside even though there were flakes of snow falling from the sky!) but it was less than planned.  Next run (planned for Saturday), I'm going to do Week 3, Day 1. 
7. Got my second driving lesson tomorrow!  Excited and nervous.
8. I'm still really struggling with my eating and I'm very upset about the gained weight I can see on my body.  But I'm starting to take steps towards a healthier life at least.
9.  This is me after my run before my shower.
10. I'm reading and following lots of new blogs, hi everyone xxx

Late BYOC

For a bit of light relief, I thought I'd join this week's BYOC (thanks darling Draz), I don't even care that it's so late!

1. What's your first reaction when you get really angry?

I don't really know how to deal with anger.  My whole life I've witnessed my mum get into a completely hysterical, apoplectic state during arguments with my step-dad.  From a young age my sister and I had to literally pick her up off the floor where she would have slumped herself, exhausted from screaming her head off in fury.  The arguments never warranted such a reaction, but she would just lose it - she would shoot off into the limbic part of her brain (the little centre where you lose your shit) and not come back until she was exhausted.  I swore I'd never be like her.  I swore I'd never get into that state, because what if I did and could never get back again?  What if one day my children had to pick me up off the floor, a sobbing, hysterical mess.  So I shut down, I turned all my anger inwards.  After my Dad moved to Australia when I was 10, the anger, the grief and the horror of abandonment left me traumatised, angry, ashamed, self-hating and depressed.  But I became nicer and nicer to those around me.  I turned all that anger inwards and the result was 4 years of self-harm that got worse and worse by the day.  I have made peace with the fact my dad left over the past couple of years.  I had it out with him in 2011, and although we've always been close, I had hidden all the anger I felt towards him until then.  Since then I've done my best to not shy away from anger so much, though if I feel angry with a loved one I rarely project it onto them.  I am so afraid of people not liking me or perceiving me badly (because I assume they already do because of my weight), that I keep my anger in.  It doesn't stop me feeling it though.  And I'm pretty sure it's toxic.  I'd really like to work on just processing it normally instead of stuffing it down and inevitably eating it.

2. When is the last time you cried in sadness or in joy?

I am a crier.  I gotta say, I am one weepy little mush bag.  Can't help it.  Adverts, goodbyes, kindness, people achieving things (Oscars, Olympics, singing talent shows) are the worst!  Loving people (sometimes with Ben or my bestie Lizzie I just cry because I love them so much and because they love me.)  Having said that, I can't remember specifically the last time I cried.  It was probably in the last 3 days.

3. If the stars aligned and everything was perfect from your partner to your job and income and everything- how many kids would you choose to have?

Well, I'm not quite at the baby making stage yet, though I go through periods of extreme broodiness!  Ben and I definitely want kids.  I was thinking two, one for each hand, and also I grew up with just my sister whereas Ben has two older sisters so he wants three.  I think it's quite common to want what you grew up with, that's what's familiar to you.  I think I'd be happy to have three in a perfect world.  Realistically I don't know what our lives (and incomes) hold.  We'll see.  I'm thinking the first one in the next 4-5 years.

4. If you won the lottery- what is the first purchase you'd make?

Oh my gosh, I think about winning the lottery all the time.  I would really love to win the lottery, I know it sounds so greedy and superficial, but goodness me it would be wonderful.  There are so many things I'd want to buy, a house, a kitten, a Boxer dog for Ben, rehab for my sister, back surgery for Ben's sister who has a terrible slipped disc situation and has to wait at least two months for her surgery whilst being in agony all the time, a round the world plane ticket, all the things.  But maybe the first thing would be an all day full body massage.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

In blog land, I'm so happy to be blogging again.  I've received so much support from you all lately, particularly for my last post.  It means so so much and makes me feel less alone.  I've been reading every day and would like to be blogging at least once more per week.

In real life, well, the last post speaks for itself in terms of where I'm at mentally with my eating and my weight.  Apart from that I had a busy but lovely Easter weekend.  Spent Saturday at a spa for a friend's hen do (bachelorette party), got a half hour back massage, swam, sat in the (rather violent) jacuzzi.  There was a steam room and sauna too but I had a ton of essay writing to do while I was there so I just lay on a lounger by the (indoor) pool (it's like 0 degrees here) and worked.  Was lovely and relaxing.  Then we went out for Turkish food (hummus, tzatziki, flat bread, chicken, lamb, harissa etc - yum), and then for cocktails in the evening.  On Sunday we spent the morning at my mum's with my sister and her boyfriend, my step-sister, her husband and daughter and my grandparents.  Ben did me a little easter egg hunt in the morning (because they are one of my favourite things!) and then we had another one for my niece in the afternoon.  We then went to Ben's mum's where all his family were including his two nephews, who are 2 and 4.  I adore them, such rascals!!  Then yesterday we went to Ben's dad's for more family, more eating and more eater egg hunts.  Unfortunately I pb'd both days, I get nervous and eat too quickly at family events - stupid really.

Now it's back to reality, I've got a lot of work to do - there's not really going to be any let up for the next 6 weeks until 13th May when I finish my degree!!!

Anyway, love to you all, thank you again for all your kind messages.  I'll let you know how the curfew goes starting tonight xxx

Curfew

The scale said 226lbs when I stood on it this morning which is up 3.2lbs from last week.  I AM SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF.  Nothing seems to stop me gorging on food all day every day.  My band certainly doesn't stop me.  Why must the band allow all sugary junk food to slip through it?  I feel like such a failure.  Nearly 18 months out from surgery, I've now slipped so far backwards that I've only lost about 21lbs and I'm fucking sick and tired of it.  My clothes that I had been wearing are now too small again, my back hurts.  What am I going to do?  Remember when you went into surgery with the fears of 'what if my last resort doesn't work?' - this is what it looks like.  This is what failure looks like.  Fuck.

Sorry, just had to get that out.  I know it's not pleasant to read about other people's self pity and misery.  I wish I could be all light and hope, but I feel hopeless.

I've made the goal to work towards this 5k, I'm meeting my personal trainer friend on Wednesday for a run and for her to give me my training plan.  So right now I'm not doing anything to help my weight go in the right direction, but in two days time I am.  I am doing a good thing for my health starting on Wednesday, so maybe I'm not a failure, maybe I haven't given up?

I need a food goal.  I need to do something to stop the free for all I've pretty much been on for 7 months.  When I joined Food Addicts Anonymous back in February, I was at rock bottom and I lasted without sugar, wheat or flour for one week before a binge caused me to lose my way.  I know sugar is the enemy.  But the trying and failing over the three weeks I tried to follow the FA program made me INSANE - I couldn't study, my moods were extreme, I was horrible to everyone around me.  I am so damaged and mentally unbalanced that I need binging and sugar to live.  I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

I'm going to make a food goal.  From tomorrow, I am going to stop eating at 9pm.  Seeing as my worst binging is at night, after dinner, before bed.  Even if I can't stop binging or eating shit, at least I can try and minimise the time I have to do it.  If I can cut out 2 hours a day (9pm - 11pm when I'll try and go to sleep), then I will in turn be consuming less overall.  By giving myself an eating curfew, I hope to focus a little better on my goals, my reasons for wanting to lose weight etc.  Just something to stop the free for all.  And then on Wednesday, I'll see about adding my 5k training as well.

Sorry again for the melodrama and the misery, one day I'll be better.

I'll be a runner yet...

Drumroll please.......

I just entered my first ever 5k!!!!  It's on 23rd June, 11am - I'm raising money for Cancer Research UK - I am so excited.  Now, let's just cast our minds back to August, I ran for 22 minutes (a mile and a half I think) - half way to a 5k.  I've enlisted the help of a dear friend (she's marrying her long term girlfriend next summer and has asked me to be a bridesmaid!!!) who is a personal trainer - she's going to set me a program and try and workout with me once or twice a week.  She lives an hour away so it's not super convenient, but she can at least set me going.  She said, not only could she help me finish the race, she'd have me running the whole thing with a smile on my face!!  Not only that, but we talked about the possibility of using this as a starting point to lead up to....running a MARATHON April 2014.  Me?  A marathon runner?  I weigh 220lbs, I am a lazy slob (at the moment) - but I WILL beat this hellish disease of obesity.

In other news, I had my first driving lesson on Wednesday!  Was so nervous (I know 24's pretty late to start learning) but it went really well.  The instructor was really friendly and very clear and reassuring.  It was a big deal for me to not only start learning something new, but to put myself in a situation where I'm one on one with a stranger, but I beat my anxiety this time!  I'm hoping to be done with lessons in about 12-14 weeks.  My sister is giving me a car (for free!), though it's only a crap little Nissan Micra, insurance shouldn't be too high on it though as its got a little engine.

Love to all xxx

Avoid This Pity-Party

Because I decided that I was going to commit to blogging and being honest and weighing in every Monday and posting the results - I weighed in this morning.  I was met with a 1.8lb gain.
Things I've been doing this week to warrant this (it's not like it's a surprise) -
Not exercising; not going for my daily walks as planned; not wearing my shiny new pedometer; not tracking my calories or even food journalling for that matter; binging; eating sweets, chocolate, crisps, cakes and biscuits pretty much daily (that's all those things everyday for those of you who thought maybe it wasn't that bad); feeling sorry for myself; crying; avoiding the world; feeling distant from my boyfriend; feeling very very angry and hateful towards myself.

Now this might all just sound like a big load of self pitying puke - but it has a purpose.  By identifying everything I'm doing wrong, I should be able to make it right.  I have deja vu right now.  I don't want to be so negative and I don't want to keep gaining weight, but I just can't seem to stop.  I feel like I have no self control, my band does its job, but I just wait til there's space and carry on eating.

If you made it this far without immediately closing your browser, sickened by the ego-centric self-pitying drivel, then I admire you and wondered if you had any advice for a very lost little bandster.

xxx

Ten Things Thursday

Thanks lovely Mama Laura Belle x

1. I have been a slug today.  Worse than a slug, a sloth or a mollusc.  I often feel like a pathetic little mollusc, not worth a thing.  How sad.  
2. Thursday night is Boy's Night in our flat, Ben has 3 best male friends who are wonderful, gorgeous sweethearts and I love having them round.  Unfortunately, because I feel sluglike, I will mostly be hiding away in my bedroom studying and eating chocolate.
3. My attendance at uni has been despicable.  I find the seminar setting too much for my anxiety, I hate it, I feel claustrophobic and like I can't leave if I need to.  And because I feel so anxious, I can't concentrate and don't learn anything making me feel frustrated and stupid.  It also feels like a waste of my time when I could instead be in the library reading and actually making progress.  However, tomorrow is my last ever lecture and seminar and I WILL ATTEND!
4. I'm going to a screening of Casablanca in London tomorrow in a fab 40s themed cafe/bar where we have to dress up and join in and sing and hopefully drink cocktails.  I'm going with a couple of my uni friends that I don't see anything near enough of, they're fun, high energy, very tall and gorgeous.  I tend to feel like a very fat micro pig around them.  But it's such a waste of time thinking like that so I'm going to focus on what I'm sure will be a wonderful night.  I was in a outfit quandary not having time, energy or funds to shop, so although not fully in fitting with the theme, I'll be wearing a blue dress with white polka dots and a heart shaped cut out at the back, with a black blazer and (low) heels (can't walk in high and my fat feet like horrid in them).  I'll try and remember to take photos when we're there.
5. I've never been a heavy smoker, the most I probably smoked was in my first year at uni when I found it a great social gateway, I probably smoked about 10 on an average day.  In more recent years I'd gone down to only smoking about three days a week, 4-5 cigarettes a day.  Anyway, I had never, since a started smoking as a teenager, made the decision to quit.  I felt I was a social smoker rather than a proper smoker, I like it, it made me feel rebellious and antisocial which got me through moments of anxiety by keeping people away from me (I don't think it really did that, it was psychological).  So, I decided to quit on 26th Jan, had my last one that night during Ben's birthday party...And I haven't had one since.  So we're getting on for two months.  I rarely miss it, I don't even like smelling it any more.  I decided not to replace it with an electronic cigarette and I am smoke free. It's funny how I can stick to this so easily, seeing as according to the world, tobacco is more addictive than sugar, yet I can't give up sugar...
6. I'm not happy with my gym.  I signed up for a year because it meant the cheapest monthly rate.  That was only three months ago.  The equipment is fine and there's enough of it despite it being a very small gym, that's not the problem.  The problem is that it's an intimidating, male dominated environment.  I think the manager (or one of) is a woman, but most of the staff are laddish young men in their late teens or early twenties and clearly use it as a social place as well as one of work.  They all stand in reception and chat.  Rarely does anyone greet you or say goodbye, I feel judged for being female and fat (though I expect that's in my head).  On top of this, the lockers are kept down in the changing rooms in an area that regularly floods (there's a sign on the wall saying this is unavoidable) and each time I've been, there have been fewer and fewer lockers with keys, just empty unsecured ones - the last time I went there wasn't a single key.  I'd come from the library (as will be my normal schedule for the next 2 months) and had my laptop with me, my purse etc - there was no way I was leaving them while I worked out.  So I couldn't work out, I had to go home.  Furthermore, they don't have a website or email address so my only options to discuss my complaints and potential early ending of my year long contract, is face to face or over the phone.  Now with my anxiety, I just have no idea how I'm going to do this.  I only feel comfortable talking to the woman (I saw her once and she dealt with my membership when I joined and I think she's the manager or owner) but I can't guarantee she'll be there, and even if she was I don't know if I'd be able to pluck up the courage to speak to her.  Tell me what to do darling bloggers?!  I want to work out!
7. I'm terrified of the amount of work I have to do between now and the end of my degree...
8. I'm in such a fight with myself about food.  I don't want to eat shit any more, I don't want to feel heavy and bloated and (ahem) farty and gross and keep gaining weight.  And yet, I clearly want or maybe need to eat all the time, awful food, eating all day long with pauses to let the food go down.  So how do I get the first one to win instead of the latter all the fucking time.
9. Turns out, I really like blogging, shame I didn't blog for so many months.
10. I love all of you, love your support, love your stories, I feel so inspired by the runners, the fighters, the honest accounts of slip ups, fuck up and misery.  It helps us all in different ways.  x

Soup and Drills

According to my pedometer, I took 14628 steps yesterday which equates to 10.5km (over 6 miles) and 656 calories burnt!  It was the second day of setting my alarm for 8am (early for me!  Don't judge!) and going for a walk.  I walked for about 80 minutes before I had to head to an appointment with the the dentist.  I had to have FOUR fillings, do you know how much drilling that takes!!  Dreadful - I was blessed with fairly nice looking teeth, I never needed braces or anything, but I also inherited terrible dental health from both parents and am prone to problems.  Plus it doesn't help that I hadn't been to the dentist for 2 years!  My poor face felt all weird and numb for about three hours from the anaesthetic (administered by a big fat needle into the roof of my mouth!)  The silver lining of it all however, was that I made some delicious carrot and sweet potato soup, the leftovers of which I'll have today.  I know we're told not to have soup but I usually fell fairly satiated for a good few hours on a big bowl of soup.

We went out last night to a comedy club venue where Ben and others from the region (he's a supervisor in a supermarket) put on acts to raise money for Comic Relief (a big charity fundraiser that is on every year in the UK - I think the total raised was about £70 million).  It was all a bit cringe worthy and led to me drinking a couple of large bottles of fruity cider and then giving in to chocolate on the way home, but it was nice to get out and do something a bit different.  I've been spending so much time with my head in books lately as I try and finish my degree.  I'm not mad at myself about the indulgence because I'm just taking it easy at the moment with my food, choosing instead to focus on movement and exercise.  My eating disorder is such a psychological problem that the more I try and battle it through diet alone, the more twisted and knotted it gets in my head.  At least exercise is more straight forward - though still requires motivation, an internal battle with laziness (to which I am shamefully prone) and an organization of my time.  I'm hoping that I can gradually increase my exercise and fitness levels and have this in turn motivate me to improve my diet.

I'm very happy to be blogging again, I love reading all your blogs, I get such a wonderful feeling of solidarity from your all.  Love xxx

The Ugly Truth

I'm not going to dwell on it - but...my official first Monday weigh in revealed:
Weight 221lbs
Total gain since September = 24lbs.
Well shit and bollocks.  That is a LOT to have gained back, my BMI's back up to 39, my jeans don't fit and it's all stupid rubbish shittywankballs.

BUT(t)!  I did great today, ate well (close but with a few adjustments to what I had planned) and I did half an hour of exercise.  Not at the gym as planned because I arrived there and hadn't brought my sports bra or my headphones.  The gym was packed and I just couldn't face it - but I didn't let it derail me and worked out as soon as I got home. Pat on back!

Happy to be back blogging xxx

Move Monday

Thank you for the warm welcome back dearest bloggy friends.  Would you believe it, this is my 100th post!!
I've been blogging for over 18 months (with the occasional hiatus, ahem...), nevertheless it has been a wonderful thing sharing journeys and stories and struggles.

So my first pledge in getting on track is to move more.  From tomorrow I will be wearing my pedometer every day trying to clock as many steps as possible by generally taking opportunities to move as well as going for brisk, purposeful walks.  Plus, to let off steam, to raise my energy levels, to raise my serotonin levels (lord knows my depression needs it!), to increase my fitness and to decrease my big fatty fatness, I will be going to the gym as often as possible (aiming for 4x a week).

I also want to get consistent with when I wake up.  Because my schedule is very flexible (despite having a LOT of work to do for my degree), combined with my not being a morning person, means I struggle to get up in the morning.  On top of this, all three of my 'mental health meds' cause drowsiness.  But I've started sleeping in later and later and it affects my mood, my work and my energy.  So my aim now is to set my alarm for 8am and be up, showered, dressed and breakfasted by 9am (obviously it takes us some time to eat brekkie) so that I can get on with my day which will be made up of studying and exercising!

Tomorrow - 18th March

• 8am alarm
• Breakfast - porridge with skinny milk and raisins
• Walk - 1hr
• Lunch - leftover pulled pork with some salad
• Study at the library 1-6pm - (snack: roasted edamame beans, apple)
• Gym - 30 mins walk/jog on the treadmill (would love to be 50/50); 30 mins random setting on recumbent bike - Level 7; weights - all areas including 60 crunches, 30 squats, 30 lunges.
• Dinner - chicken, carrots, peas, sweetcorn, sweet potato mash, yoghurt.
• Aim to be in bed by 11pm

Wish me luck! I've got to start taking forward steps! x

YooHooo

My sweet jellybeans, I have been MIA for so so long now.  But today, after 4 months, we finally have internet installed in our flat!  I didn't read any blogs between mid November and mid Feb but I'm now as caught up as I can be, I miss you all.  Amazing things have happened since I've been away - Laura Belle's having a little one!  Ronnie and Andrea are engaged!  So exciting.  I've also seen a drop in bandsters blogging (including me of course!), but I know and hope everyone knows, that you can come back any time.

Now for the bad...I was down 50lbs, I'm now only down 28lbs.  I've gained back 22lbs and I HATE it.  I feel so so angry with myself and so frustrated and terrified that despite having surgery, I'm going to fail.  I'm 17 months out from surgery and I'm still in the same headfuck food addict's mess.  I have tried everything.  I recently started going to Food Addict's Anonymous and attempted to completely give up sugar, flour and wheat, I lasted about a week.  Then back to the cycle.  The band is doing its job, I'm at a good restriction level, and when I eat the correct portions of good high protein bandster food, I'm kept in check.  But, alas, the old adage, sliders go down oh so easy.  My binge foods (chocolate, sweets, biscuits and crisps) all go down and I eat them in binge quantities every day.  I feel sick.  I feel so fat and thick and weary.  I haven't been exercising.  I have been crying, desperate.  I've got two very very tough, work packed months til I finish my degree, I am all over the place - always been bonkers, but I reckon its only going to get crazier while I write the 33,000/8weeks that'll get me my degree.

But...I WILL NOT GIVE UP - EVER.  So no matter what I say, I will never give up.  I can't stay fat and I can't remain in a state of hopeless food addiction that provides so much noise in my head leaving little room for anything more interesting and important.

I am going to start blogging again, commenting, reading to keep focussed.  I am going to focus on high protein, high fibre, low sugar.  I think these three things are the way to good health.  Everyone who is successful with the band and with weight loss, consistently exercises.  I want to be that person.  So I am going to commit right now and book my first 5k.  I have a gym membership, I just bought a brilliant new Omron pedometer (the two days I've worn it I averaged 8,000 steps without trying, so I'm aiming for 10,000 minimum every day).  I want my clothes to fit, I want to feel good about my body and I really want to be fit and healthy.

I'm also going to make a short term goal:  I graduate on 17th July.  Between now and then, I want to lose 30lbs.  It's a stretch goal, but I've got to get the scale moving down again and by having a goal to work towards I hope to motivate myself with weekly weigh ins (how frickin long has it been!)
Graduation Goal - 189lbs - coming to get ya!

And here's a picture of Ben and I in case you forgot what I looked like xxx

Hell

It has been such a long time since I blogged or read any blogs or ate the way I should be.  I don't have the internet at the moment since we moved into our lovely new flat and it may be another month or so til we get it so I can't imagine that my frequency of blogging will improve just yet.
I feel like I've been in hell, my sister lost custody of my niece and she's being adopted by some relatives of ours who live in the north, about 4 hours drive away.  We'll still be able to see her thank goodness, but not as often as I've become used to.  My sister is in a terrible state.
On top of this a close friend of mine committed suicide and few weeks ago, he is the first person close to me whose died and I'm struggling with discovering what grief feels like.

All I ask is that you don't forget about me.  I miss you all and miss reading your funny and heart warming posts.  I WILL BE BACK!  Fighting.  I just need to get through the next few weeks, terrified that my sister is going to kill herself, get used to Betty having moved away, learn from my grief.  I will come back fighting and I will lose the last 60+lbs.

Love you all xxx

Bad State of Mind

Dearest Jellybeans,  oh how I wish I could regale you with tales of success and weight loss and happiness and fun, but I'm afraid that's just not really life right now.  I'm so bored of promising to get 'back on the wagon' and catch up with everyone's blogs (though I have just caught up a bit), and then failing at everything I've said I'll do.  I've basically been living on copious amounts of sliders - last time I checked I was up 6lbs from my lowest.  That's horrifying!  And yet, seeing 203lbs on the scale didn't change anything, I can't seem to connect my head.  All the family difficulties we're going through at the moment with my sister and my mum and stepdad being so close to divorce are too much for me to handle with my already very limited capacity for stress.  My mental health is hard enough to battle without anything going wrong around me, so when so much shit falls around my ears all at once, I just go into desperate survival mode, which unfortunately means almost constant eating of high sugar foods.  All the while I'm eating, I'm distracted from the pain.
So I've compiled a list of the sliders I've been living on that I no longer want to be part of my diet:

Sliders That Are Ruining My Life:

Sweets – primarily Haribo Tangfastics

Chocolate – Dairy Milk/Buttons/Twirl Bites/Chocolate Bars

Biscuits/Cookies

Cake

Crisps

Popcorn

(Snack a Jacks/KitKats) – in brackets because I feel that planned consumption of these helps me stay on track rather than derail me.

And these are the foods that I want to be eating because they make me feel good, they will help with my weight loss and I won't have to feel like a failure anymore.  I still have nearly 60lbs to lose for goodness' sake!

Foods I Need To Be Eating to Lose Weight:

Chicken/Turkey/Ham

Low Fat Sausages

Extra Lean Mince Beef

Vegetables – carrots, broccoli, green beans, peas, sweetcorn, courgettes, cucumber etc.

Fruit – grapes, strawberries, bananas, raspberries, melon.

Cheese – low fat mozzarella, babybel, half fat cheese, light Philadelphia

Yoghurt – low fat, petit filous, greek/fromage frais

Potatoes/Sweet Potatoes

And definitely the most important thing of all and the thing the band is there to help us with:

ONLY EAT WHEN YOU’RE HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I did this then I would be losing weight, because I'm rarely hungry.  Actual tummy rumbling to tell me I'm hungry.  Not just, oh, I'm not so full I'm going to pb any more so I can stuff something else in my mouth.  This keeps me at a constant level of full, but because they're sliders they don't cause me to pb or get stuck the way a lot of other, non-slidery food does.  I don't know if I'm too tight because I mostly eat sliders.  I suspect I might be.  The only way for me to test my fill level is to eat proper food and assess whether I can eat properly without pbing.  If I can't then I'll get a small unfill.  Being too tight pushes us to eat sliders because we feel deprived and in need of food.

So step 2 is exercise.  I so admire fellow bandsters like LapBand Gal and adorkbl for their commitment to exercise.  I want 'Every Damn Day' to be my motto and yet I haven't worked out in maybe 2 months??  I feel like jelly and crap because of it.  My muscles have decreased, I don't feel as strong, I just know that my first run after this hiatus will be so hard and set me back a good few months of training.  I was getting so close to running for half an hour and now I need to accept that just 5 or 10 minutes will be a struggle.  I've got my iphone now, I've got the Nike+ running app to track my runs, I've got some new running tights and a new sports bra.  I've got time today.  I should go and run shouldn't I... in the back of my stupid head I'm like, oh but you've already ruined today by eating sweets all morning, why not just ruin the rest of the day.  But that's useless thinking.  I won't get anywhere if I think like that.  Oh dear, help!  I'm going to do it.  I'm going to go for a run.  So there.  Even if it's ever so brief, I'm going to get out there and do it.  I need to pop to the shop to get some milk anyway.  Skinny milk of course!

Ok, I'm so sorry for the psychobabble, nonsense rambling post - just had to get some stuff out of my head.

Love you all xxx

One year Bandiversary!

This is a post we all publish - we have so many expectations and fantasies and goals in mind when we first set out on this path or weight loss with the help of the band.  But I think for most it's always different to what we imagine.

I wanted to be much nearer goal by now and I am feeling a bit forlorn.  I just got Ben to take some comparison pictures of me in my undies (aren't you lucky!) and at first I just felt disgusted and horrified by my big jiggly belly, and the rest.  But then I looked at the photos I took of myself this time last year and the difference is definitely a significant one.

With my mental health being what it is, I think I should feel madly proud of myself.  I am certainly an emotional eater.  I still am.  The band has not changed that.  And the fact that my emotional needs are great, having lost 50lbs (still at 197lbs this morning) is an incredible achievement.

So despite just a bit of disappointment about not being somewhere nearer my goal, I am damn proud and happy with my accomplishments.  And that bit of disappointment shouldn't go to waste, I want to use it to motivate me into getting to goal in my second year of being banded.  I think I accept now that it's just going to take more time than I want it to.  But the wonderful thing about the band is that it (for the most part) keeps you in enough control not to gain everything back as soon as you (temporarily) give up, and that's what has led me to be successful so far.

I wish this had a happier tone, but I'm poorly with a cold, sitting in bed, still trying to shake the negative feelings that bubbled up when I looked at my pictures.  Despite that, I'm posting them so that I can look back and see where I've come from.  And hopefully the photos I take this time next year will make me proud.

Certainly one of the greatest things about this year and the band has been all of you.  I feel like I know you, I think and even sometimes dream about you.  I feel loved and supported and informed by all your stories.  We're all very lucky to have each other through this.  Thank you so much to all my 91 followers, and please, if I'm not following you, leave me a comment with a link to your blog, because I want to be following you back.  And finally to anyone who is recently banded or pre-op or just trying to decide - for me, getting the band was one of the best decisions I've ever made, I haven't regretted it even once and I know that not only would I not have lost 50lbs, but I would've gained and been bigger than ever and more miserable than ever.  So go for it!  Now don't cringe at my photos!

October 2011:

October 2012:

Times of Strife

Darling ones,

I know I have been MIA - been really struggling with shitty family situation - my sister being responsible for the care of her daughter, my beautiful 5 month old niece, Betty - whilst drinking and taking hard drugs.  Totally unbearable and I am furious and disgusted at my sister's behaviour.  I just want to take my niece and give her the loving environment she deserves.

I have been seriously tight the last few weeks and have been surviving on sliders mostly, which is just crap and makes me feel crap.  My bandiversary is on Monday and although I won't have quite reached halfway, my weight had gone back up to over 200lbs and I've managed to lose 3lbs getting me back to my lowest of 197lbs.  Maybe I can make that 196lbs by Monday to at least have a new low to celebrate a year banded.

I haven't done any exercise in a LONG TIME!  I feel like I'm in limbo because we're living with Ben's parents and waiting to find our own place.  Ideally we'll be moving in 3-4 weeks if we manage to find somewhere.  I haven't wanted to blog because I feel like such a failure.  Like I'm not trying hard enough and complaining all the time.  I was up to date with everyone's blogs until about a week ago when I just ran out of time - so much reading to do for uni - but from today I'll be back on track reading and do my best to comment when I can.  If you think of it, send some good vibes my way.  Thinking of you all.

LOVE xxx

A year since Pre-Op

Tomorrow marks one year since the start of my pre-op diet.  TO mark the occasion, I am going to start tracking again.  Haven't tracked for a good while now, not consistently at least.  The move went smoothly but my anxiety and wackybonks went into full overdrive and I was really suffering for a week or so.  Feel a little bit better now but uni starts back up tomorrow so I have more challenges to face.  As a result of all the stress my band was as tight as...a tiger?  I was so sick and stupid, desperate to eat to soothe my misery but pbing everything I put in my mouth til I could hardly tolerate liquids.  Duh, that's the quickest way to fucking up your band.  So I pulled myself together and started taking things slowly slowly, tiniest mouthfuls imaginable.  Sadly, sliders were my only friends in a very gloomy period where I was desperate to eat so I haven't lost any weight due to the tightness, but I haven't gained any either.  After three days of constant pbing, I'm glad to say those days are now a week behind me and I'm doing well.  My portions are little and I can't eat much of anything solid in the mornings.

My aim is to plan and pack everything I need for my days at uni - I have a 2.5hr commute each way but classes are only three days a week and I'll be staying up there on a Thursday night with friends.  That way I know that if I only eat what I've packed then I will be sticking to my calories.  It's also a money saving exercise because money is almost as tight as my band was!!

Our darling Sarah at Fat on the Inside reminded me that I'd set myself a goal to reach half way by my bandiversary.  It's still do-able if I put my head down.  15 days, 3.5lbs.  Bring it.

After a month...

I have lost 0.4lbs - PATHETIC!!  But I am now 50lbs down with a month to go til my 1yr bandiversary.  Not where I wanted to be - BUT - I'm not going to play down the fact I have lost 50lbs, I feel so much better, I look better, I'm fitter and healthier.  57lbs to go...

Get your sweat on!

Please excuse the tan lines and lack of make up!  I look tired, but happy-ish! It's been a little while since I worked out and I'm definitely just coasting along in premature maintenance at the moment.  My flat is full of boxes and all our stuff is packed into the middle of the living room.  I hate it!  I hate clutter and mess.  Only 4 more days til we move though.  My plan is to start running outside once we move in with Ben's mum.  They live in a residential area and once my iphone arrives (YES I FINALLY GOT ONE, CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO GET HERE!!!), I can use running apps to help me along!  And I'll be able to take more pictures for my blog which I'm afraid has been terribly dull of late!  Love x

Another wasted week for weight loss

So the scale is still a lb or two up from my lowest recorded which was 197.8lbs.  I haven't exercised for about a week and a half and I have had such an irritated band all week.  I went on a little trip with my mum to Dorset and it was so lovely, but I find it hard eating out because I don't go as slowly or take small enough bites like I do at home.  I think I get stressed out that the waiting staff will point out my slow eating or try and take my plate before I've finished and it just makes me anxious.  And you know what it's like, if you get stuck and pb then your band is cross with you and it makes everything you eat after that difficult.  Because I was away, I didn't do what I should've done which is to go on liquids for at least a day, so I just kept trying to eat things and kept throwing up - STUPID!  Anyway, that is over with.  I'm home, on liquids and soft foods until I feel better.  I don't usually pb, but I'm not one of the clever/lucky ones who never have or only have once or twice.  I'm certain I've not damaged my band or anything, I just don't want to rely on sliders to feel like I've eaten anything such as I have the last couple of days.

I spent about 4 hours last night catching up on 4 days worth of blogs so my apologies for not commenting for a while, but I'm all caught up now.

I'm moving in a week and a half, my gym membership expires in 4 days, so I really want to go to make the most of the last few days I can get on the treadmill.  Everything's going to be a bit up in the air - my plan not to go off the rails is to track.  Must track and not just eat with wild abandon.

I feel frustrated.

BUT - I have NSVs - went shopping and bought 2 pairs of size 18 (US 14 I think) skinny jeans.  I've never really managed to get skinny jeans on before and if I have they've made me look like a Russian doll, small at the top and bottom and big and round in the middle.  But these look pretty good I think, got a dark blue and a black pair.  I also tried on a load of tops and bought a few, some of which were a size down from my usual 16 to a 14 (US 10) so that's very exciting.  Never in my life have I bought or worn a size 12 (US 8) so that's going to be a very very good day.  I also found it easy peasy walking around for much of the time we were on holiday, this time last year, with the shooting leg pain I used to get, I probably wouldn't have even gone on that holiday for fear of the walking.

LOVE x

Weekends in Blogland

Oh how dull my newsfeed is at the weekend, all of you off enjoying your lives and so few blog posts to keep me entertained.  It's raining and Ben's at work.  I'm going for coffee with one of my best friends in about an hour at our favourite cafe - I think he might be bringing his little dog, Poppy the puppy!  I don't mind the rain at all, in fact I rather like it.  I like feeling cosy, and comfy.  My mum always calls me the princess and the pea (do you know that kid's story?) because I get annoyed if my environment is anything but completely comfortable.  We went to see a couple of movies yesterday, Ted and the Expendables 2 - liked both, the second was just brilliant, total tongue in cheek explosion fest - loved all the references to the actors' most famous movies and I've only just realised how hot Sylvester Stallone is!  I know he's about 40yrs older than me but still!  I watched the original Judge Dredd the other day and he was smokin'!

Food has been increasingly worse the past couple of days - don't know what's the matter with me.  I was so focussed.  I worked out three times this week at home - felt really good about that.  But want to be in the gym, running.  So tomorrow's another Monday, back to basics I shall go.  I must remember it's not about how much I can get away with eating, it's how little.  I'm taking a little trip with my mum this week - Wednesday to Friday - we're going to the West country to visit the birthplace and home of my favourite author Thomas Hardy.  I'm really looking forward to it though it'll be the first time I've spent a night apart from Ben since we moved in together!  Nearly 6 months!  Goodness me I love him!  Hopefully the trip won't send me too much off track and we're going to be doing lots of walking.  My mum's a pretty health conscious person too, so that'll help.  Anyway, weigh in tomorrow is going to be shit.  I just have to pick myself up and learn from it.  Love to you all xxx

Where's your head at?

I don't know what's going on these past couple of days - I don't know where my head is - just can't seem to focus.  I make a food decision like making flapjacks "for Ben" and then eating shit loads of them before I've even thought about it - like I'm not conscious during the decision making process.  It's so frustrating.  I'm not trying to back out of responsibility for my actions, not at all - it's just that my mind needs to catch up with my hands and mouth otherwise these stupid foods are going to keep being eaten!

Weekly Goals

So the scale was up this week, a lb and a bit.  It's ok - I can deal with it.  I pb'd a couple of times, still getting used to this fill and that led to uber tight irritated band which made it hard to eat properly so I resorted to sliders (chips and salsa anyone?!) and I only got in one work out and had three family events in three days.  So it's a blip and I'm ok about it.

Goals for this week:

No alcohol - I'm not a big drinker, but I get very anxious in social situations and find myself drinking to calm down which is silly.  So I'm just gonna say no.
Gym - I'm going to aim for 4 x this week - but may substitute for a home work out if I'm feeling like I can't leave the house.  I want to work more consistently on my running because when I don't do it regularly it's impossible to make any progress and then I feel like a failure when I can't run as long as I did the time before.
Tracking - I start each day well, tracking my breakfast etc, but particularly if I'm out and don't know the exact calorie count of my meal, I give up tracking for the day and then it turns into a bit of a free for all.  So my new plan is, if you're not willing to track it, don't eat it!
Water - Because I've been really tight this week I've found it hard to get my water in.  3 litres a day, no excuses.

Love to you all, Jellybeans xxx

FTF

Hey jellybeans, I didn't manage to do a TTT yesterday, so we'll have Five Things Friday instead.

1. I haven't worked out at all this week - pathetic!  To be fair I had a really busy Mon-Wed, but yesterday I was just a complete slug and did nothing all day!  To make up for it, after I've finished this post I am heading out the door (best put some clothes on first!) and hitting the gym for at least an hour of cardio and some strength.
2. Got my hair cut - doesn't look much different, just more layers and a bit more shaping round my face.  I like.  Planning to get the colour done soon too, bit darker with some coppery tones.
3. I've been having some shoulder pain like the post-surgery gas pains, and the occasional band/stomach pain at the same time.  I had half a diet coke on Wednesday and was in agony all evening so maybe it was the bubbles but there have been a bunch of other times I've had something fizzy and haven't had pain.  Have any of you had shoulder pain since surgery?
4. I've got a busy weekend coming up, Ben's mum's birthday on Saturday, his Dad coming for dinner on Sunday and a party at my Mum's on Monday for the bank holiday.  Busy busy - hoping to fit at least one gym session in, probably Sunday morning.
5. Haven't seen anything as low as last week's weigh in on the scale from all my sneaky peeks - it's getting me a bit down.  My eating hasn't been perfect every day, had lunch and dinner out on Tuesday, but my recent fill is definitely helping me eat less at mealtimes.  I guess no exercise isn't helping and I haven't got all my water in the last couple of days.  I'm hoping for a loss of at least 0.8lbs so I can reach my 50lbs lost goal.  Fingers crossed! xxx

ONEDERLAND!!!

I made it!!  Hurrah!!  I didn't see anything lower than 201lbs all week, until Sunday morning and was desperate for it to stick - and it did!!

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Last Week's Weight: 14st4.2lbs (200.2lbs)
Current Weight: 14st1.8lbs (197.8lbs)
Loss: 2.4lbs!!
Total Loss: 49.2lbs!




I am so so pleased with 2.4lbs - not only to I ace my way into the 100s, I'm also only 0.8lbs away from having lost 50lbs, 2lbs away from being in the 13 stones, and 5lbs away from being halfway!!!  Some exciting achievements coming my way in the next couple of weeks!!

Binge

Hey jellybeans - I'm feeling a bit deflated.  Have had a crappy few days on the eating front.  I ate a lot of homemade cookies.  They were meant to be for Ben but I scoffed them, despite them giving me heartburn.  I just couldn't resist the craving, knowing they were in the kitchen.  I should've just thrown them away.  But I didn't, I used myself as a human dustbin instead.  And when I eat crap, I stop tracking and use it as an excuse to overeat at all other meals.  I had cheesecake for fuck's sake!

BUT...

I'm putting a stop to that now.  The cookies are all gone, I've weighed out and tracked my breakfast so far, I'm going to go to the gym later (4th time this week - very happy about that!) and I've planned out my food for the rest of the day.  So I probably won't be seeing onederland this week, I might even see a gain.  But I'm not going to let that be an excuse to give up.  I'm going forwards because I am not done.  Not yet. x

So Close!

Arghhh!  I was so close to Onederland - in fact I saw it one day last week.  But alas, it was not to remain.  For now!  You just wait onderland and all of you who reside there, I'm a'comin'!

HOWEVER - I did have an awesome weight loss week compared to ALL the weeks of this year.

Starting Weight: 17st9lbs (247lbs)
Weight Last Week: 14st7.4lbs (203.4lbs)
Current Weight: 14st4.2lbs (200.2lbs)
This Week's Loss: 3.2lbs!!!
Total Loss: 3st5lbs (47lbs)

I was 0.4lbs away!!  No matter.  My fill is good!  I had one day where I got stuck and pb'd at lunch time, but had soup for dinner and am all better now.  I'm now much tighter in the morning and get gradually looser until the evening when I can eat more or less like I did before the fill, maybe slightly less.  However, I didn't work out for a whole week.  I don't know why really.  Was much busier than usual (which is by no means as busy as most people) but with business comes extreme stress and an exacerbation of my wacky-bonks (that's what I call my mental health issues) - and I think I felt I needed to just rest.  But that didn't get me to onederland and I want to lose the weight through diet and exercise not just diet.  Not just because it helps speed up the weight loss - but also because I want, more than anything, to be fit, and to be toned and to help my mind feel better.  So today I went to the gym, ran for 15 minutes (was aiming for 22 but just lost it and couldn't carry on), 30mins on the bike keeping my RPM between 70 - 80 the whole time.  Then did 10 minutes on the arm-cycle thing - anyone know the real name for this?  Then 50 squats (mixture of normal and sumo with the exercise ball between me and the wall), 50 crunches (mixture of normal, side and reverse) and 15 girl press-ups.  I was SWEATY.  Felt fantastic. Drank loads of water.  Actually speaking of water, I'm really good at drinking lots of it.  I hate even the hint of thirstiness, so try and keep really hydrated - I probably drink 3-3.5litres a day.  Gross as it may sound, I frequently check my wee colour to make sure it's as close to see through as possible.  If it is, I know I'm drinking enough.  Anyone else do this or am I super weird?

Love you all xxx

Mon Visage

What a difference a year makes!  On the left is me last August, almost at my heaviest - I was probably about 240lbs.  And on the right is me last night at a lovely balcony bbq.  It would seem I didn't really have a neck back then, now my face looks much thinner thank goodness!!  I've got a long way to go but I can really see the changes.

TTT - or 'titty' as I like to call it!

Hi there you hard working and gorgeous jelly beans!  Why thank you lovely Laura Belle for TITTY!!!

1. I had fill number 4 on Tuesday - my nurse (who I LOVE) said she thought that was very few fills for someone 10 months out.  She also said other nice things - I was being down on myself because I'd only lost a few lbs since my last appointment all the way back in FEBRUARY - a hundred million years ago - but she said I was doing well, the scale had gone down not up and I should be happy that I've lost nearly 50% of my excess weight in less than a year.  I got 0.5cc for a total of 7.5cc in my 10cc band.  So far so good.  I was told to do liquids for 24hrs and mushies for 24hrs and I was HUNGRY on liquids.  Today though, 1/2 can of tuna and a plum kept me happy for nearly 4 hours.  I'm happy with that!
2. As a reward of my self control the scale is getting exciting...but you're just going to have to wait and see!!!
3. I just ate some spicy chicken and some ratatouille - yum - I was eating for about 35 minutes - I've read that a lot of people stop after 20 or 30 mins - what do you all do and does limiting your time help?
4. The boy and I will be moving out of our current flat by 23rd september and have decided to move in with his mum and step-dad for 4-6 weeks before getting our own place.  At the moment we're just struggling so much with money, that a month or so rent and bills free (lovely parents!) will help us pay off a bit of overdraft/debt and make life a bit more comfortable when we do move.  It'll also give enough time for us to get our deposit back from the current flat and time to look for flats without travelling an hour at a time to get over there while we still live here.  Luckily, my "in laws" are the sweetest, least judgemental, friendliest people so although it's not ideal, I am very happy to have such lovely new family.
5. After my 1.5 mile run I've found myself a busy busy bee and haven't worked out (apart from walking) for three days - tomorrow I'm making that treadmill my bitch!
6. I really love you all.  Just saying.
7. Oh yes!  Some of our favourite bloggers (Ronnie and MandaPanda, I mean you!) blogged about making fitness goals to work towards - others have since followed suit and I am INSPIRED!  So here we go:  I want to be able to run a 5k on the treadmill by Christmas - I don't really mind how long it takes, if I stay at my current 14 minute mile it'll take 42 minutes, but I'd love to get my speed up a couple of points as well.  That's it for starters.  There will be more.
8. I spent some of today with my niece, Betty.  She's 3 months old and just amazing - I'm totally in love with her.
9. Sadly my sister who suffers from bipolar and alcoholism and struggled to cope after Betty was born because she was taken off one of her essential medications, a mood stabiliser in order to breastfeed.  Unfortunately she went quickly down hill and has now been admitted to a psychiatric mother and baby care unit.  They've been there for nearly 2 weeks and the average stay is 6 weeks.  It's been very painful for me and my family.  Every instinct in my body tells me I must protect Betty, and I just can't...I have to accept that she's my sister's priority not mine, and that I have to trust my sister to take care of her.  But she hasn't been...she's struggled to look after her and it makes me practically writhe in agony that I can't just take Betty off her hands for a while, to bring her home and take care of her until my sister's better.  It's all very tough.
10. On a lighter note - I'm feeling motivated and excited about my weight loss - fingers crossed I can continue to work hard and will shoot down the scale like a wild goose in a bobsled! x

Ta Da!

Good morning jellybeans,

As expected, I was up on the scale today, but only by 0.4lbs (making me 203.4lbs) so not as bad as the last couple of days which were showing a lb higher than that.  It's easy to blame it all on the TOM but I had some good days and some bad days.  I had some days where every meal was on point but I ate a bag of sweets in a mad hurry on the train because I felt very upset (a LOT of shit going on with my sister at the moment).  So it wasn't a perfect week, but every day that is better than the last is progress.  

Anyway, so instead of being pissed off or upset by the scale not being down this week, an hour after seeing the number, at 9am ( I am NOT a morning person), I went to the gym - and guess what........

I RAN 1.5 miles!!!  It took me just over 21 minutes (might as well have been walking!) but I did it, and the whole time I was on the treadmill, I told myself I could do it.  Over and over again.  It is such a mental game with me.  If I get on that treadmill and baby myself, saying 'oh, you're a bit tired today and at least you're here - you probably won't last more than 10 minutes so it's ok to stop there' - I will never progress.  Instead, with my new sports bra in place (good though less supportive of the big girls than my other one), I just went for it and conquered!!!  

So I'm feeling rather smug.  I'm really looking forward to getting my fill tomorrow, I've been in a bit of, let's see how much we can get away with eating, mode and what I really want is to see how little the band helps me to survive on whilst still nourishing me and giving me the energy I need to live and exercise.

Big love to all x

About time!

After seven months at my current fill level, I'm heading to London on Tuesday for a fill.  I constantly want to eat and pretty much can.  I had a good chat with my dietician and she agreed that the right portion size isn't satisfying me which is leading me to seek more food.  I'm nervous because when I first got this fill back in Feb I was really tight for the first few weeks.  Though the tightness was exacerbated by pb-ing and going back to solids too soon.  I'm hoping for just a little fill - I think I've got quite a bit in my 10cc band, 6 or 7ccs I think.  But I think it will help kick start me again and remind me of the basic bandster rules and a drop on the scale due to liquids will hopefully provide a psychological boost.  It's TOM and I'm feeling bloated and sorry for myself and the scale is reporting more than a lb up from last week which completely demotivated me and led to me eating more.  Stupid scale.  I'm desperate to get past the half way point.  Sooner rather than later but at least by my 1 year bandiversary on the 15th October.  But I'd really like to be further along. I worked out 4 days in a row this week, and then when I saw that period induced gain on friday I kind of gave up with everything, isn't that silly!  But an NSV - I beat my longest run!  Previously it had been 15 mins and I got it up to 16.5 mins on Thursday!  I really want to be able to run 5k by Christmas.  Love x